iiiii Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I don't care if he's slept with his female friends in the past - not a biggie for me. The past is the past. It's not an issue currently, because my SO hasn't ever slept with his one good female friend. However, early in our relationship he did let his long-ago ex (mother of his child) move into his house for a month when she was in a real financial fix. That was... challenging. But I decided to make the leap and trust him. And I ended up with a good man. One I know I can trust 100%. And one with a compassionate, generous nature. 2
littleplanet Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Even if he's been with them before? Do you really want to meet and hang out with people that he's been with? It's a lot easier to involuntarily picture them together that way. At that point why don't they make it as easy as possible for you to understand what happened and have sex again right in front of you? Otherwise, if it's someone that he hasn't been with, he wouldn't have to "dump" them. They either become a mutual friend of the relationship, or they turn into an acquaintance. So let's say you've had a stretch being single. During that time a good old friend who you've never slept with and never wanted to kinda keeps you company and this friendship over time becomes more important to you for that reason. Let's say they're single too. That's just how it is. Then one fine day, along comes a very good candidate for an SO. As things often go, you don't see much of this good friend, or any friends for awhile (for obvious reasons.) But friends are ok with this. They understand, because they're friends. They're happy for you. Then you make the big step up and become real solid with that new SO. All your friends are suddenly going to turn into "acquaintances?" You're going to tell me yeah, if the SO demands it (from jealousy, insecurity, etc etc.) I'd fire the SO. In my life, in my dabblings in the the music biz, which is show biz - I've had a gazzillion acquaintances. Can't swing a guitar without knocking one over. Thick as thieves. That's why I really value my friends. My friends do not constitute disprespect for my SO. My friends on the other hand, respect my SO very much. a funny thing..... a couple of my good friends (I suspect) like my SO more than they like me. I could almost get jealous over that. But I don't. A rule I've never broken in my life, nor will I ever. An ex..........stays exed. (no matter how re-friended) I just love flexing my will, sometimes. My SO just drools over those muscles....... 1
marcjb Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 So let's say you've had a stretch being single. During that time a good old friend who you've never slept with and never wanted to kinda keeps you company and this friendship over time becomes more important to you for that reason. Let's say they're single too. That's just how it is. Then one fine day, along comes a very good candidate for an SO. As things often go, you don't see much of this good friend, or any friends for awhile (for obvious reasons.) But friends are ok with this. They understand, because they're friends. They're happy for you. Then you make the big step up and become real solid with that new SO. All your friends are suddenly going to turn into "acquaintances?" You're going to tell me yeah, if the SO demands it (from jealousy, insecurity, etc etc.) I'd fire the SO. In my life, in my dabblings in the the music biz, which is show biz - I've had a gazzillion acquaintances. Can't swing a guitar without knocking one over. Thick as thieves. That's why I really value my friends. My friends do not constitute disprespect for my SO. My friends on the other hand, respect my SO very much. a funny thing..... a couple of my good friends (I suspect) like my SO more than they like me. I could almost get jealous over that. But I don't. A rule I've never broken in my life, nor will I ever. An ex..........stays exed. (no matter how re-friended) I just love flexing my will, sometimes. My SO just drools over those muscles....... No, as I said before, any true opposite gender friends (this is rare anyway) where there was no intimacy involved, should either turn into an equal friend of the relationship and if not, then turn into an acqaintance of the individual.
FitnessRN Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I'd find it kind of sad if my SO dumped his female friends when he started going out with me, so that I didn't feel jealous. I would think that: a) he's a bad friend, so I'd wonder if he was likely to be a bad partner. b) he obviously thinks I don't trust him for some reason, which is a worry - since I do, and try to demonstrate it by both words & actions. -If a girl ever told me to drop my friends..I'd tell her "NO" -Don't you think it would be a little ummm.. awkward...if you two got married and there were people at the wedding he slept with before? Recently, a guy in my HS class married a girl who messed around with a whole circle of his buddies and a whole frat house in the past...they were at the wedding lol...I would never be with someone who messed around with my buddies in the past or with someone who slept around with people I know.
iiiii Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 -Don't you think it would be a little ummm.. awkward...if you two got married and there were people at the wedding he slept with before? Er... no, not necessarily. Why would it be awkward? I would have no issue with my partner inviting the mother of his children to our wedding, for example, if we were all on good terms.
somedude81 Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I used to be more friendly with guys, rather than girls. I have a lot girlfriends for sure, but I get bored with the shallowness of what we talk about sometimes. I'd rather talk about sports, tech, current events with guys. Plus I work with mostly guys. But when I met my boyfriend, I don't feel the need to connect with guys anymore, as my boyfriend is enough. What i'm saying is, I do have guy acquaintances, but not any guy close friends that I maintain relationship with. I don't get too close with them not like my girlfriends. What I can get emotionally from a guy as a friend, I can get from my boyfriend. The only time I hang out with a guy, is as a couple. For me, this is simple and less complicated. I'd also want me to be enough for him and for him to not look for anything else from a woman friend. That sums up how I feel. Once a girl has a boyfriend, why does she need to have male friends? I also believe that the only guy a girl in a relationship should hang out one-on-one with is her boyfriend. Of course I feel the same way for guys in relationships. They shouldn't be spending time alone with other girls. 3
Author AnyaNova Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 That sums up how I feel. Once a girl has a boyfriend, why does she need to have male friends? I also believe that the only guy a girl in a relationship should hang out one-on-one with is her boyfriend. Of course I feel the same way for guys in relationships. They shouldn't be spending time alone with other girls. This assumes, though, that the only thing men and women can be together, is somehow romantically attached. A woman can and I do have male friends who have fascinating minds, whose thoughts I appreciate, who often think of things in ways that I couldn't, and vice versa. They are very much only platonic though. And, I do agree, that unless all know each other very well and trust is high, they shouldn't be alone in private with opposite sex friends. However, I see no problem with being alone in public with opposite sex friends. Going to a movie or a diner.
littleplanet Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 No, as I said before, any true opposite gender friends (this is rare anyway) where there was no intimacy involved, should either turn into an equal friend of the relationship and if not, then turn into an acqaintance of the individual. Okay - I get it. Good to clarify that exact point. I guess with me, it was always pretty much a given that a good friend of mine would also become a good friend of the relationship. I've never really had the experience where that wasn't so. Except for way........way back when - a couple of musician friends who had a little bit of a problem with - substances? But that behavior - was too much drinkin' and druggin'. So it was specific to that particular problem.....not any other. And also, that kind of behavior ran my own patience thin.....I didn't really need spousal disapproval to drive home the point. Although because initially they were more friends of mine, I might have been a little more tolerant than she was. But anyhow, that was then. This is now. I always......gig on coffee. It's work. Professional behavior.
littleplanet Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 This assumes, though, that the only thing men and women can be together, is somehow romantically attached. A woman can and I do have male friends who have fascinating minds, whose thoughts I appreciate, who often think of things in ways that I couldn't, and vice versa. They are very much only platonic though. And, I do agree, that unless all know each other very well and trust is high, they shouldn't be alone in private with opposite sex friends. However, I see no problem with being alone in public with opposite sex friends. Going to a movie or a diner. Interesting. I hang out with a lot of librarians (because that's where I work) and a lot of musicians (because that is what I do for R&R) and these are the people in my life with whom I share much in common. My missus swings neither of those ways......(doesn't read as much as I wish she did....and although loves music, does not participate musically - although she has great ears!) But understands that these things on a professional level need to be shared by like-minded people (some, female.) Add to that artists, writers, poets, and all manner of eccentric creative types - that's the spread. On her side? Skiing. (I hate skiing. Would rather skate and play hockey - though skating together is something we do often enough.) Floral arrangement: (though not many straight men do this)...........Politics (I'm learning) - and that is one of the big things that the majority of her oldest male friends discuss with her (to my eternal boredom.) So we stay sharp at the farthestcorners of many things we don't share directly - and meet in the middle on what we do. But. One of my best musical friends is someone I'm in a band with. We often rehearse alone together. Because it is the best way to get that work done. But it is work! (sometimes, quite emotional work.) However, we're not snuggled on a couch watching movies......or having romantic dinners......or (big one) flirting. Although...... flirting is something that we do once in awhile on stage. (But that's for the audience) - and yeah, here comes the obvious question......is my missus in that audience? Yes she most certainly is. And is the Queen displeased? Not at all. Why? Because that's a colleague I'm up there on stage with. The minute I step down off that stage - I'm back in the real world. Every time. 1
littleplanet Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) That sums up how I feel. Once a girl has a boyfriend, why does she need to have male friends? I also believe that the only guy a girl in a relationship should hang out one-on-one with is her boyfriend. Of course I feel the same way for guys in relationships. They shouldn't be spending time alone with other girls. Assuming we're talking about girls and boys (women and men in training) I don't know that I'd disagree....then again, maybe I would. I'll ask a simple question: what is it that you value in a friend? What are they good for? What actual purpose do they serve? What "box" do they need to be kept in? I recall much earlier in life, back when I was 17, and my girlfriend was 16. We were both of us in our first (ahem) "serious" relationship. More or less. We discussed at length, at that time - the pitfalls of two people spiralling down and caving into each other - morphing into some blended blob joined at the hip like Siamese twins. So we decided not to. And even then, that young - we leaned on friends to help us not do that. I liked her guy friends. She liked my girl friends. (We had excellent taste.) The rules of engagement were straight. What broke us up was not at all cheating or jealousy. (It was her righteously irate parents, because I was a fool of a young rebel. They didn't take kindly to that disrespect.) But I learned..................... Edited July 4, 2014 by littleplanet 1
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