Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Anyone in a relationship should not be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about their relationship for advice unless its someone that is family. I would not confide in anybody who wasn't truly trustworthy, about my relationship, whether male or female. And any man who truly respectz and loves me will trust me enough to trust the choice of whoever I choose to confide in. I tend towards friends who are able to be highly objective and balanced no matter the circumstance. And I am sure any SO who met my friends, Nd truly knew me, would have no problems with my choices.
Priv Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I really did mean to be out of this thread, but where my own character and choices are impugned, I really feel the need to speak. Most of the rest of what I am about to tell you, isn't technically, anybody's business but my own. Certainly not yours. However, since you seem to think that I am being "reckless" and "self-serving" let me present you a different picture. Haha, well, I guess this thread is still alluring, even to you. But ummmmm... I didn´t ask about your personal situation. And neither do I believe that male/female friendship do not work. Nor did I say you are self serving, I said at most your explanations about why potential love interests in your life should be ok with your circumstances are at most self serving in the sense that nothing should be changed or at least reckless in the sense that it is not detrimental given That multiple friends have a secret agenda You have a romantic history with at least some of them You see one as a potential love interest too You talk to said fellas about your relationship ups and downs and seek comfort in them Surely you can agree that those are not ideal circumstances for a thriving relationship, and could very well scare a potential suitor off. I am not reading platonic, equal firendships here and went in depth about this on page 3. I am not personally invested in your social life, and my opinion is just my own, and I still stand by saying that I think that you are an intelligent, trustworthy person. But I also know with personal experience that the above issues are relationship wreckers, especially early in the game.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Haha, well, I guess this thread is still alluring, even to you. But ummmmm... I didn´t ask about your personal situation. And neither do I believe that male/female friendship do not work. Nor did I say you are self serving, I said at most your explanations about why potential love interests in your life should be ok with your circumstances are at most self serving in the sense that nothing should be changed or at least reckless in the sense that it is not detrimental given That multiple friends have a secret agenda You have a romantic history with at least some of them You see one as a potential love interest too You talk to said fellas about your relationship ups and downs and seek comfort in them Surely you can agree that those are not ideal circumstances for a thriving relationship, and could very well scare a potential suitor off. I am not reading platonic, equal firendships here and went in depth about this on page 3. I am not personally invested in your social life, and my opinion is just my own, and I still stand by saying that I think that you are an intelligent, trustworthy person. But I also know with personal experience that the above issues are relationship wreckers, especially early in the game. Let me ask this. If they truly love me and trust me, if they truly respect me, my intelligence, my ethical capabilities, and my moral agency in the world, then why would whether my friends have equipment that dangles or equipment that is nicely tucked away fundamentally matter? Particularly, if I am upfront enough to make sure that my significant other meets any and all of these friends that he wants to, and is invited to anything and everything we do when spending time together, and my male friends and I don't spend time alone in private (at least, not while I'm in another relationship)?
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Haha, well, I guess this thread is still alluring, even to you. But ummmmm... I didn´t ask about your personal situation. And neither do I believe that male/female friendship do not work. Nor did I say you are self serving, I said at most your explanations about why potential love interests in your life should be ok with your circumstances are at most self serving in the sense that nothing should be changed or at least reckless in the sense that it is not detrimental given That multiple friends have a secret agenda You have a romantic history with at least some of them You see one as a potential love interest too You talk to said fellas about your relationship ups and downs and seek comfort in them Surely you can agree that those are not ideal circumstances for a thriving relationship, and could very well scare a potential suitor off. I am not reading platonic, equal firendships here and went in depth about this on page 3. I am not personally invested in your social life, and my opinion is just my own, and I still stand by saying that I think that you are an intelligent, trustworthy person. But I also know with personal experience that the above issues are relationship wreckers, especially early in the game. p.s.-No you did not ask for it, you only put me in a place where the only way that I could begin to respond to your assertions of me as reckless (as pertaining to this subject) or self-serving in my reasoning was to share. Also, the fact that no male friend ever broke up my first six month relationship, my thirteen year relationship, or my last relationship that brought me here doesn't matter. My own loyalty doesn't matter. Just the fact of me having one male friend who if he was able to lose the weight in some future time and if we were both single we might consider it, and the fact that I am friends with an ex of mine, negates every bit of the strong loyalty that seems to run through my very cells? And makes me some kind of a relationship red flag? Really? Edited June 30, 2014 by AnyaNova
Priv Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Let me ask this. If they truly love me and trust me, if they truly respect me, my intelligence, my ethical capabilities, and my moral agency in the world, then why would whether my friends have equipment that dangles or equipment that is nicely tucked away fundamentally matter? I wouldn´t, but you are describing platonic friendships. Though I think you should stop with the ´if they trust me and respect me etc. etc.´ argument. Because that has little to do with it at this point. Particularly, if I am upfront enough to make sure that my significant other meets any and all of these friends that he wants to, and is invited to anything and everything we do when spending time together, and my male friends and I don't spend time alone in private (at least, not while I'm in another relationship)? Ok. Let´s do a movie night with your friends. The guy that just shook my hand greeting me at the door and introducing himself, he couldn´t stop looking at your date. The overweight fella that put the dvd in the VCR, your new date just told you last night she would have been with him if he lost a few pounds. The guy that won´t acknowledge your presense while sitting across the table, he was her last ex of 2 years. And finally, the guy sitting next to you at the couch, him and your date kissed last Christmas in a silly drunken mood. And you just know, that little fight you had last week with your date about being late due to work meeting at a restaurant, they all know about it and spent that night apping about it. This is actually eerily the same as a situation/s I and more have been in, and probably a dramatization to your group of friends, but I think you get the point as to why somebody would walk from this. I am nog going to sway you and you are not going to sway me. I think platonic friendships are fine and agreed fully with your first post, but all those points added up is what is making it difficult. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with feeling uncomfortable in your new social group and knowing it is not going to end without a bang. 1
Priv Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Also, i have never walked away in similar situations, and can´t honestly say that these circumstances are what caused the relationship to demise though it might have facilitated it, but looking back I maybe should have. But that doesnt pertain to you.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I wouldn´t, but you are describing platonic friendships. Though I think you should stop with the ´if they trust me and respect me etc. etc.´ argument. Because that has little to do with it at this point. Ok. Let´s do a movie night with your friends. The guy that just shook my hand greeting me at the door and introducing himself, he couldn´t stop looking at your date. The overweight fella that put the dvd in the VCR, your new date just told you last night she would have been with him if he lost a few pounds. The guy that won´t acknowledge your presense while sitting across the table, he was her last ex of 2 years. And finally, the guy sitting next to you at the couch, him and your date kissed last Christmas in a silly drunken mood. And you just know, that little fight you had last week with your date about being late due to work meeting at a restaurant, they all know about it and spent that night apping about it. This is actually eerily the same as a situation/s I and more have been in, and probably a dramatization to your group of friends, but I think you get the point as to why somebody would walk from this. I am nog going to sway you and you are not going to sway me. I think platonic friendships are fine and agreed fully with your first post, but all those points added up is what is making it difficult. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with feeling uncomfortable in your new social group and knowing it is not going to end without a bang. Actually, it has everything to do with it. Because the guy and I never crossed platonic boundaries. Because we both agreed that we would be definitely interested in the possibility if it weren't for the weight, BUT we didn't make any statements nor have we crossed any platonic boundaries whatsoever. Because my ex and I both definitely believe that we make better friends than anything else and any spark there was between us died long ago. Because if you knew either of these men in real life, you'd know them well enough to know that they would rather take their own lives than get between a relationship. Because if you knew them, and you knew me, you would know that all three of us are highly honorable people who would not betray your trust. So the three men who have all of them at least spent months dating me and fine with my male friends are all somehow wrong? You know me and my relative trustworthiness better than they do? And again, you'll say that you don't care about the details of my personal life, while coloring them to a sufficient degree that the only way I can portray a much more accurate picture is to again delve into the details. 1
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I'm sure everyone ends up saying the same thing before they actually cheat.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 The transformative powers of the internet are amazing! From shy, fiercely loyal, intelligent, with years of relationship experience but little sexual experience woman to torrid, conniving, ex and friend luring highly sexualized siren in the space of a single thread. *eye roll* :p 1
Priv Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Actually, it has everything to do with it. Because the guy and I never crossed platonic boundaries. Because we both agreed that we would be definitely interested in the possibility if it weren't for the weight, BUT we didn't make any statements nor have we crossed any platonic boundaries whatsoever. Because my ex and I both definitely believe that we make better friends than anything else and any spark there was between us died long ago. Because if you knew either of these men in real life, you'd know them well enough to know that they would rather take their own lives than get between a relationship. Because if you knew them, and you knew me, you would know that all three of us are highly honorable people who would not betray your trust. So the three men who have all of them at least spent months dating me and fine with my male friends are all somehow wrong? You know me and my relative trustworthiness better than they do? And again, you'll say that you don't care about the details of my personal life, while coloring them to a sufficient degree that the only way I can portray a much more accurate picture is to again delve into the details. No, noone is wrong, you arent and your friends arent. I am not attacking you, I am trying to describe what an outsider, someone new to this group, who doesnt know you nor them, would experience. I think this is getting rather personal instead of hypothetical and we should stop this. 1
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I'm sure everyone ends up saying the same thing before they actually cheat. I know you don't know me and my past and why it is so hard for me to trust even one man enough to be willing to have sex with him, or why even without those things in my past, my own personal makeup makes the very idea of sex outside of a committed relationship with anyone, no matter how close a friend they may be, utterly revolting to me, but please. Seriously. Many of us can control ourselves enough to not cheat. Many men, even, can control themselves enough to not cheat no matter how much in certain circumstances they don't want to. They only reasons people cheat are that they only had thin veils of inhibition anyway which they chose to remove through alcohol, or because they wanted to cheat. Cheating is NOT some slippery slope that just happens to you and any one can get caught in it. It is a choice that people make. 2
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 No, noone is wrong, you arent and your friends arent. I am not attacking you, I am trying to describe what an outsider, someone new to this group, who doesnt know you nor them, would experience. I think this is getting rather personal instead of hypothetical and we should stop this. I definitely agree on that. I think perhaps you might not have been aware how much your hypothetical scenario would actually hurt me, or what in fact, that viewpoint says about what you think someone who doesn't know me would think about me.
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 So it was incredibly hard for you to learn to trust, yet you are open to creating scenarios which probably make it difficult for whoever your SO is to trust you? To anyone that likes to pull the projection blame game and "trust" card, this is where blind trust gets you: http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png
Priv Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I definitely agree on that. I think perhaps you might not have been aware how much your hypothetical scenario would actually hurt me, or what in fact, that viewpoint says about what you think someone who doesn't know me would think about me. Well, hurting you wasn´t what I was after. And the case you made the first few pages is a lot worse than the actual situation. And you shouldn´t cut those men out of your life, since they obviously mean a great deal to you. What I do think would make the situation a lot better is kill those feelings for the overweight friend, noone should or can accept that your SO has feelings for someone else. And keep the relationship talk to your girlfriends, I wouldn´t like it if I knew my GF was talking about ´us´ to her ex or the guy she has feelings for and I think most wouldn´t either.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 So it was incredibly hard for you to learn to trust, yet you are open to creating scenarios which probably make it difficult for whoever your SO is to trust you? To anyone that likes to pull the projection blame game and "trust" card, this is where blind trust gets you: http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png Since none of my previous partners have ever had a problem trusting me, I think perhaps you might be wrong in asserting that how I am living my life makes it hard for potential partners to trust me. I am not pulling any projection or blame cards. This thread has somehow turned into instead of attacking my ideas, which are sound. If people truly love and trust each other, why should what equipment their friends have matter for either gender, into attacking me and my personal life. And this is probably the worst example.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Well, hurting you wasn´t what I was after. And the case you made the first few pages is a lot worse than the actual situation. And you shouldn´t cut those men out of your life, since they obviously mean a great deal to you. What I do think would make the situation a lot better is kill those feelings for the overweight friend, noone should or can accept that your SO has feelings for someone else. And keep the relationship talk to your girlfriends, I wouldn´t like it if I knew my GF was talking about ´us´ to her ex or the guy she has feelings for and I think most wouldn´t either. I don't have any feelings like that toward my friend. We are only and strictly platonic. That's all we've ever been. That's what I've been trying to say for pages. Recognizing intellectually that you could be good with someone is not the same as actually having feelings for them. Geesh. And I will confide in the people I find trustworthy. Just as I trust my partner implicitly in who he chooses to confide in, so too, I would ask the same of him.
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Since none of my previous partners have ever had a problem trusting me, I think perhaps you might be wrong in asserting that how I am living my life makes it hard for potential partners to trust me. I am not pulling any projection or blame cards. This thread has somehow turned into instead of attacking my ideas, which are sound. If people truly love and trust each other, why should what equipment their friends have matter for either gender, into attacking me and my personal life. And this is probably the worst example. I'm not attacking you, I'm just replying to the thread you created with my own experience. If this topic has not caused any of your partners to mistrust you then why did you create the thread?
Author AnyaNova Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I'm not attacking you, I'm just replying to the thread you created with my own experience. If this topic has not caused any of your partners to mistrust you then why did you create the thread? Im pretty sure the blame and projection accusatik. Even if i directly sated constiues an attack. and i made this thrad based off other posts I saw here. And one person's comment in a dating profile who id never date anyway.
littleplanet Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 There's a big difference between friends and acquaintances. To have a successful longterm relationship, any friends of the oppossite sex need to turn into friends of the relationship and any "friends" that are not, need to turn into aquaintances or get lost. Any "friends" that someone was intimate with before also need to get lost. - can agree with the first part. not the bolded part. If intimacy is over, it's over. Friendship may not be. The friendship may even be valued and unique, because of that intimacy. The trick is, of course....to understand what is over, why, and keep it that way. Impossible? No, it isn't. 1
littleplanet Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Anyone in a relationship should not be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about their relationship for advice unless its someone that is family. Why? Good lord, I do this all the time! What exactly are the pitfalls? Tell me I have unterior motives. Tell me she has ulterior motives. No matter how much you want, need, crave this to be true..... it just ain't. sorry.............. 1
FitnessRN Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Most "regular"(non gay) guys dont really keep company with women unless there is a whiff of getting laid..Women try to kid themselves about this, but its pretty much been my experience.. None of the guys I regularly hang with have female friends...None of the stuff we are into are the type of stuff that women would find interesting, so there wouldnt be too much to talk about..Some of these guys might have a FWB...but actual friends...? Nah.. Ive only really had one true female friend in my life, and she works for me...She is very attractive and we get along great...But id say she is like a sister to me as she has been with me for a long time and is almost like family.. As for the OP, I agree with the others...A guy doesnt want a bunch of other guys hanging with their gf...I dont think most women would take too kindly to a guy they are seeing having a bunch of women ringing him up, either...So no gender bias on this topic.. My experiences anyway.... TFY -Not all guys hang out with women and just think about their dipstick...I use logic and would never put a friendship on the line trying to get action. I use logic, not emotions. -If a girl has 2x more guy friends than girl friends, that can be a big red flag. If she can't hold a friendship with the same sex's and says "she's one of the guys" she's never "one of the guys" -One girl I dated hung out with a guy who was going with PTSD problems from the war, I don't see anything wrong with that. He friend was going through a crisis. -Recently, I've been hanging out with a friend going through a divorce. She knows that I wont pursue her and she is off limits. I don't mind talking to her about problems. I've been friends with her for years. We even went Dutch at dinner a few times...man is she gorgeous! 1
FitnessRN Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I don't have any feelings like that toward my friend. We are only and strictly platonic. That's all we've ever been. That's what I've been trying to say for pages. Recognizing intellectually that you could be good with someone is not the same as actually having feelings for them. Geesh. And I will confide in the people I find trustworthy. Just as I trust my partner implicitly in who he chooses to confide in, so too, I would ask the same of him. I agree with all of your posts and you have used logic. I'm sure you tell the person who you are dating about what your plans are ahead of time and you are in good shape. 1
littleplanet Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 So it was incredibly hard for you to learn to trust, yet you are open to creating scenarios which probably make it difficult for whoever your SO is to trust you? To anyone that likes to pull the projection blame game and "trust" card, this is where blind trust gets you: http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png Last I looked, trust isn't blind. No, it isn't blind at all. One does not trust with a white cane. They do well to trust with eyes very wide open. (and not just the ones above your nose, either) 1
marcjb Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Why? Good lord, I do this all the time! What exactly are the pitfalls? Tell me I have unterior motives. Tell me she has ulterior motives. No matter how much you want, need, crave this to be true..... it just ain't. sorry.............. The person you are confiding in might. The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration
littleplanet Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 No, noone is wrong, you arent and your friends arent. I am not attacking you, I am trying to describe what an outsider, someone new to this group, who doesnt know you nor them, would experience. I think this is getting rather personal instead of hypothetical and we should stop this. Standing ovation :bunny: Good man, Priv. :cool: We are all.........outsiders, no?
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