Why can't women and men be friends again?

[AnyaNova]

I am truly confused on this issue.

 

I hear a lot of men saying that they won't date a woman who has friends that are men. Particularly one whose friends are mostly men. As if somehow she is more of a cheating risk than one whose friends are all women.

 

Have any studies actually found any such correlation, and even moreso, any sense of causation?

 

My friends do tend to be men. I grew up in a family where clear communication was the norm and accepted. Where if you were angry at someone, you told them, and you told them why, and clearly worked out the issue.

 

Women tend to do these massive passive aggressive campaigns where they won't tell you they are mad at you (maybe you were concentrating so hard on your next test, that when you passed them in the hall you didn't see them and they felt slighted), and then get all of your other friends mad at you and it just spirals down from there.

 

I do have and have had friends that are women. Mostly they are women who are also driven crazy by such lack of communication.

 

Out of all my men friends, I would only ever consider a relationship with one of them, and only if he was able to lose a healthy amount of weight (not only for the attraction, but also because I don't want to be a widow at 40) but also..if I'm in a relationship with a man, he is the one I see. He is the only one I see (like that).

 

I am one of the most painfully loyal women you'd ever want to meet. The idea of having sex outside of a committed relationship to me is repulsive beyond words to me.

 

Yet many of you men would reject me on the sole basis that I tend to get along better with men than with women? I guess I am just trying to understand why.

 

Your thoughts on this?

[Arabellad25]

I prefer male company too. I have female friends but find starting friendships with men is much easier... maybe I'm a tomboy at heart.

 

I do know my exes have often been jealous and it has caused issues.

 

I'd just rather have a good time and sometimes a big group of females can be a nightmare

[ponchsox]

If they reject you because of this they are not confident in themselves and are jealous people. I doesn't matter to me at all if a girlfriend or female friend has other male friends. I only care about our relationship. I trust them until I have a reason not to.

[Always Pondering]

Personally, I don't have an issue with it if I feel my partner is mature and trustworthy. The reason being, I naturally expect other men to attempt to flirt or secretly pursue something but I do not see this being an issue if she respects her relationship and is able to set clear boundaries.

 

I've had situations where my partner would thrive on the attention and flirt back (that was a disaster) but also situations where she is able to make it clear on her own that she's happily in a relationship.

 

I'd like to at least give the woman a chance first and get to know what kind of personality she has before making that kind of judgment or not. It'd be strange to me if she had say, a 200:1 male-female friend ratio or something of the sorts but otherwise I don't see an issue in it if there's trust.

[littleplanet]

I am truly confused on this issue.

 

I hear a lot of men saying that they won't date a woman who has friends that are men. Particularly one whose friends are mostly men. As if somehow she is more of a cheating risk than one whose friends are all women.

 

Have any studies actually found any such correlation, and even moreso, any sense of causation?

 

My friends do tend to be men. I grew up in a family where clear communication was the norm and accepted. Where if you were angry at someone, you told them, and you told them why, and clearly worked out the issue.

 

Women tend to do these massive passive aggressive campaigns where they won't tell you they are mad at you (maybe you were concentrating so hard on your next test, that when you passed them in the hall you didn't see them and they felt slighted), and then get all of your other friends mad at you and it just spirals down from there.

 

I do have and have had friends that are women. Mostly they are women who are also driven crazy by such lack of communication.

 

Out of all my men friends, I would only ever consider a relationship with one of them, and only if he was able to lose a healthy amount of weight (not only for the attraction, but also because I don't want to be a widow at 40) but also..if I'm in a relationship with a man, he is the one I see. He is the only one I see (like that).

 

I am one of the most painfully loyal women you'd ever want to meet. The idea of having sex outside of a committed relationship to me is repulsive beyond words to me.

 

Yet many of you men would reject me on the sole basis that I tend to get along better with men than with women? I guess I am just trying to understand why.

 

Your thoughts on this?

 

Interesting thread, OP.

 

I've never really made friends with a gender. I've made friends with interesting people. The gender just happens to fall with the chips.

 

My whole life I've had at least as many women as men friends.

I'm a Libra. I guess I like things balanced.

 

But to chew on this a little. Yes, there is a conventional notion that a woman with a lot of men friends and few women friends supposedly presents a "risk."

But why? A fabulous little question.

 

Conventionals will all immediately sit up like dogs at suppertime and bark: the reason should be bloody obvious. (too much "temptation?)

Or - all her men friends secretly want to do the horizontal hootchi kootchie with her and would jump like hormonal heroes at the slightest mere chance. (boys will be boys, after all, apparently.)

 

But I figure it is an insecurity thing. Some boys do grow into men.

 

In my life, the thing that makes a woman friend, or a woman I'm having a relationship with - fascinating to me......are the very traits that cause her to choose men friends in the first place.

And I'll pull no punches: Those traits have often made for infinitely better communication. I've always hated the fact that the majority of my most favourite things to talk about - must somehow be reduced to conversation with men. (As if......women just don't understand these things, the poor dears.) Balderdash.

 

The patterns you describe make perfect sense to me.

Choosing your friends in order to make a man feel less insecure - is rather counter-productive.

The women who taught me about this taught me rather young in life.....with trust. The magic ingredient.

And because that pendulum swings both ways (I've had women friends since high school).......then there's no pot calling a kettle - you know?

 

Perhaps this whole issue is another one of those "gender wars" things.

Divided camps.

But if you don't tend to fit into either camp.....then you can be neutral.

Not a bad place to be.

[Justaguy30]

I have noticed that women that are only friends with men tend to have more of a wondering eye. The other questions is why are they not able to be friends with females?

[Priv]

I guess because it spells drama? Or does a lot of the times anyway. I am ill equipped to deal with man to man drama of the romantic rivalry kind so I just pretend my nose bleeds (something I should be working in picking the right woman but like littleplanet said about boy to men, the same goes for girls to women in choosing friends and establishing boundaries) up to a point.

 

 

Luckily, it is kind of thing that tends to get itself sorted one way or another once an established relationship. So I agree with above posters, it is no red flag or dealbreaker.

 

 

My main theory, because this is not something I ever thought about before joining LS, is that people make ambigious relationships when single. Perfectly fine ofcourse, but those relationships need to be redefined when entering a relationship. That's where these kind of problems come in.

 

 

The way you post I don't see any problems with you having mostly male friends. Except maybe you seeing yourself seeing yourself in a relationship with your friend once he changes x or x. But that's because I have encountered that a few times in relationships where people are judged by specific traits and being a romantic interest, even while seeing me. It is a kind of sexualized or romantised view (not sure what to call it) of people and the world which is completely foreign to me. But that's a whole other thing that I should probably create my own topic about. Enough rambling for tonight

Edited June 28, 2014 by Priv

[carhill]

Yet many of you men would reject me on the sole basis that I tend to get along better with men than with women? I guess I am just trying to understand why.

 

Your thoughts on this?

 

I would say I learned this in the trial by fire with MW's who were 'collectors'. I heard a lot of down-talk about women and how women were impossible to be friends with (at the time I had some wonderful female friends so was ) and started watching how women, in my demographic anyway, collected orbiters, generally men waiting for a bobble by their H or BF. At the start, I was black and white about this, feeling it was inappropriate to orbit in such a manner but then, more and more, saw how the orbiters succeeded, so gave it a try but was lousy at it!

 

Anyway, after much life experience, I came to value women who had balanced relationships, both with men and women, and had close female friends. I saw the reverse in my own life, often having closer friendships with women than men, since our emotional styles (men of that era were pretty closed emotionally) were more compatible; however, women I dated saw this as a red flag and it caused me dating issues until I lost most of the female friends, with my last, and best one, going right around the time I met my exW. Part of my 'like' for my exW was that she had close, and long-lasting, female friends, as well as male friends, and I interacted with both and some became my friends as well over the years.

 

IMO, it's about balance, transparency and prioritizing one's relationship. Friends of each partner are friends of the couple and demonstrate that love and support for the couple, whether they be men or women.

[AnyaNova]

I have noticed that women that are only friends with men tend to have more of a wondering eye. The other questions is why are they not able to be friends with females?

 

In many cases, women are taught absolutely hideous communication patterns that make relationships of any kind difficult. I'm not trying to stereotype here, just pointing out an unfortunate cultural pattern.

 

Men are so much easier (and the females who communicate similarly, of which I have had a couple female friends) to communicate with.

 

And I can't buy that. I don't have a wandering eye in my entire body. So, I can't be the only one. Perhaps it depends on the reason. Perhaps there are some women who aren't so much truly friends with the men for their thoughts and their personalities, but like all the male attention, and that is what they value. I could see women like this, with egos that need such constant superficial flattery, having more of a wandering eye.

 

However, women that dig male friends who get excited about hearing your cool research project idea, or about each others' latest theories, etc...when the friendship is real and true, probably aren't any more likely to cheat than any other.

[MikeyBe]

Yet many of you men would reject me on the sole basis that I tend to get along better with men than with women? I guess I am just trying to understand why.

 

Your thoughts on this?

Its not just men, women don't like their guys having female friends either. Its more about people not trusting their own gender. Men, do not trust other men around their girl because they know how men think. I'd assume women feel the same if their guy has female friends around.

 

But, this is just a generalization. I have both female and male friends. I don't see it as such a big problem, though girls I've dated have had problems with my female friends. My male friends just aren't good company for certain activities.

[todreaminblue]

I have been cut down by women many times.......with guys i can just be me and they respect that....i have no interest in having sex with them......if a guy doesnt get to know me and see how loyal i am and would be...obviously thats not the guy i should be with.......when i am in a relationship the guy i am with gets to meet all my male friends and then he knows he has nothing to worry about.......i am not a cheat never will be never was...i dont like cattiness or the way women have treated me in the past....i am not here one earth for them to dump on so they feel good about their own existence...i do have female friends.......but they are loyal too.....i am more about loyalty than gender....and i have met a group of women i click with.....they dont have that cattiness.......and they accept me......i really loathe cattiness and spiteful behaviors in any gender......i am a tomboy at heart......love paintball..fishing.......love geeky things...and i love the outdoors..i love mud runs getiing dirty and joyful all at the same time....i ahev a feminine side cant sew for crap though even though my nanna tried her hardest.....i also have had really strong loyal faith full men and women in my life....whom i adore and have adored.....my grandpas,my nannas my mum and my sis and a few close female friends .....so a good mix.......of loyal people.....thats what i admire respect and loyalty and acceptance so i make friends with those people, male or female....happens to be that I have more male friends.......i am no less loyal because of that...in fact ...more so...and any guy i am with.....will see that loyalty..........deb

Edited June 28, 2014 by todreaminblue

[gaius]

Depends on the definition of friends. There's a big difference between exchanging a message or two with someone occasionally and hanging out with them extensively. Even if you're not doing anything wrong the latter is a form of disrespect for your partner. You make him look like a cuckold even if he's not. And a lot of times there is something of some level going on when a man and woman are spending a lot of time together. It's just nature.

[thefooloftheyear]

Life experience. Read these forums and you'll see plenty of reasons why many men don't date women with mostly male friends.

 

 

 

So, you would possibly date one of them. That doesn't help your cause. I wonder how many of them would like to date you.

 

 

Most "regular"(non gay) guys dont really keep company with women unless there is a whiff of getting laid..Women try to kid themselves about this, but its pretty much been my experience..

 

None of the guys I regularly hang with have female friends...None of the stuff we are into are the type of stuff that women would find interesting, so there wouldnt be too much to talk about..Some of these guys might have a FWB...but actual friends...? Nah..

 

Ive only really had one true female friend in my life, and she works for me...She is very attractive and we get along great...But id say she is like a sister to me as she has been with me for a long time and is almost like family..

 

As for the OP, I agree with the others...A guy doesnt want a bunch of other guys hanging with their gf...I dont think most women would take too kindly to a guy they are seeing having a bunch of women ringing him up, either...So no gender bias on this topic..

 

My experiences anyway....

 

TFY

[littleplanet]

In many cases, women are taught absolutely hideous communication patterns that make relationships of any kind difficult. I'm not trying to stereotype here, just pointing out an unfortunate cultural pattern.

 

Men are so much easier (and the females who communicate similarly, of which I have had a couple female friends) to communicate with.

 

And I can't buy that. I don't have a wandering eye in my entire body. So, I can't be the only one. Perhaps it depends on the reason. Perhaps there are some women who aren't so much truly friends with the men for their thoughts and their personalities, but like all the male attention, and that is what they value. I could see women like this, with egos that need such constant superficial flattery, having more of a wandering eye.

 

However, women that dig male friends who get excited about hearing your cool research project idea, or about each others' latest theories, etc...when the friendship is real and true, probably aren't any more likely to cheat than any other.

 

Good points. The hideous communication patterns can be found true on both sides of the ledger. These I suppose, are the conventional conditionings designed to keep things 'gender-specific.'

 

I recall when about 27, one of my best buds (male) pointed out to me what he thought my 'perfect match' would be (and I was in a relationship at the time.)

What he described was the kind of woman who would have bored me to tears. Well okay, maybe not tears.

Beers?

 

Many of my women friends are musicians. So am I.

Many of them are writers. So am I.

Many of them are pretty iconoclastic and don't settle for conventional philosophies. Neither do I.

And many of them also like to challenge presumptions and stereotypes. So do I.

I've never had a good friendship with a man who does not respect women.

I've never had a good friendship with a man-hater.

So it does swing both ways.

 

But yes, those unfortunate cultural patterns do persist. As far as we've come with modern more egalitarian attitudes, some things die hard.

And yet I meet women in clubs that I play in who show up dressed all girlie, playing the part.......but when engaged in conversation, betray brilliant wit and high intelligence. Their "look" is for whatever their romantic agenda happens to be (which isn't me....I'm taken.)

But their good brains are a delight.....for a man who has no agenda.

 

I think our world has become quite caustic, sarcastic.....and betrays far too much pseudo-sophistication and worldly all-knowing pop-psychology, yet often I get the feeling that many don't really understand human nature at all. It's just quick fix and easy assumptions - based on superficial impressions.

 

But to stick to the topic: there probably are good reasons why so many see opposite-gender friendships as red flags. Not because they necessarily are, but because their own experiences reflect this.

Does this mean that we've become a less-trusting society?

Trust is a thing that is worked on a whole lifetime.

 

That statement: trust that takes five years to build can be destroyed in five minutes.

 

Could it be that those most comfortable with opposite gender friendships are also ones most trustworthy?

Like freedom in a vaccum. Freedom is easy, when it's never tested.

 

I think a wandering eye is what it is.

And if it tends to wander........many friends or none at all isn't really going to change that.

Perhaps......it's a control thing.

And being controlled is just a gilded cage.......be it male or female plumage.

[Revolver]

Because more times than not, a woman's male "friends" are simply guys who are waiting in the wings to be the next in line for sex

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have never had a good male friend without some sexual tension being present. That also includes guys that are married or in relationships. That's why I wouldn't become close friends with a taken man.

[salparadise]

But to chew on this a little. Yes, there is a conventional notion that a woman with a lot of men friends and few women friends supposedly presents a "risk." But why? A fabulous little question.

 

Risk may be a good word for extreme cases, but let's just assume that it's not about risk per se, but more about the nature and quality of the relationships. (although we can't separate it completely––the jealousy gene did not proliferate without reason.) When people are in relationship, the relationship is affected by other relationships (ref. Murray Bowen, family systems - triangulation). What guy in his right mind wants to be with a woman who takes her anxiety and relationship frustrations to a third party rather than working through it within the primary relationship? It's bad enough if that third party is a close relative or female friend, but if it's another male... well, it's obvious so no need to go into it.

 

If a woman has a bunch of male (but no female) friends then it's apparent that the basis of these friendships do not fall under what we'd term strictly platonic friendships. There is some type of sexual component regardless of whether it's conscious or subconscious, or ever actually results in a physical or emotional affair. The energy, intention and dedication that should be exclusive to the primary relationship is being siphoned off and distributed across multiple males. It has to do with her need to be desired by many, keeping backups in place, and having multiple channels for getting her needs met in one way or another.

 

Friendships have some type of basis––hobby, professional, special interest, drugs or vices, etc. People can be acquaintances and friendly all of their lives, but if they're spending much time together there is more going on than being interested in whether or not the other person is having a good day. If no other reason is apparent for opposite sex friends to be that tight, then you can bet your sweet ass that there is a sexual basis... the guy is attracted and the woman likes being desired, or visa versa, or something along those lines.

 

Why would anyone want to put up with this stuff? Best just to chooses people who have more normal assortments of friends with appropriate boundaries. It's hard enough to make a relationship work without the layers of complications.

 

Choosing your friends in order to make a man feel less insecure - is rather counter-productive.

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that women should do this. It not about her editing/deleting her male friends to appease. It's about the basic predispositions, the woman's essential motivation for collecting orbiters and why her friendship overtures don't stick with well-balanced people of the same gender.

 

Anyone who doesn't recognize that there is an underlying issue is probably rationalizing rather than trying to see things objectively.

[AnyaNova]

Depends on the definition of friends. There's a big difference between exchanging a message or two with someone occasionally and hanging out with them extensively. Even if you're not doing anything wrong the latter is a form of disrespect for your partner. You make him look like a cuckold even if he's not. And a lot of times there is something of some level going on when a man and woman are spending a lot of time together. It's just nature.

 

?

 

If, when in a relationship, all of your interactions with these other male friends is either together (you and your significant other plus the friend(s)), or out in public and your behavior is always above board, how in the world have you made him look like a cuckold?

 

And I can tell you, from being in a relationship and having mostly male friends, that there usually isn't some level of "something" going on when friends hang out, not with me. Not when I'm in a relationship with someone else.

[AnyaNova]

Life experience. Read these forums and you'll see plenty of reasons why many men don't date women with mostly male friends.

 

 

 

So, you would possibly date one of them. That doesn't help your cause. I wonder how many of them would like to date you.

 

I would, but only and ever if I was single and he'd been able to take care of the particular issue in the way. Otherwise he will always and forever only be a friend.

 

When I am in a relationship with someone, they are the person that I love with my entire being. My heart and my soul. And I am fiercely loyal to them. Anybody that can't see that about me, probably doesn't know me well enough to be in a relationship with me anyway.

 

And several of my male friends are gay. I'm pretty sure that they do not, actually, want to sleep with me.

 

Just saying.

[AnyaNova]

Good points. The hideous communication patterns can be found true on both sides of the ledger. These I suppose, are the conventional conditionings designed to keep things 'gender-specific.'

 

I recall when about 27, one of my best buds (male) pointed out to me what he thought my 'perfect match' would be (and I was in a relationship at the time.)

What he described was the kind of woman who would have bored me to tears. Well okay, maybe not tears.

Beers?

 

Many of my women friends are musicians. So am I.

Many of them are writers. So am I.

Many of them are pretty iconoclastic and don't settle for conventional philosophies. Neither do I.

And many of them also like to challenge presumptions and stereotypes. So do I.

I've never had a good friendship with a man who does not respect women.

I've never had a good friendship with a man-hater.

So it does swing both ways.

 

But yes, those unfortunate cultural patterns do persist. As far as we've come with modern more egalitarian attitudes, some things die hard.

And yet I meet women in clubs that I play in who show up dressed all girlie, playing the part.......but when engaged in conversation, betray brilliant wit and high intelligence. Their "look" is for whatever their romantic agenda happens to be (which isn't me....I'm taken.)

But their good brains are a delight.....for a man who has no agenda.

 

I think our world has become quite caustic, sarcastic.....and betrays far too much pseudo-sophistication and worldly all-knowing pop-psychology, yet often I get the feeling that many don't really understand human nature at all. It's just quick fix and easy assumptions - based on superficial impressions.

 

But to stick to the topic: there probably are good reasons why so many see opposite-gender friendships as red flags. Not because they necessarily are, but because their own experiences reflect this.

Does this mean that we've become a less-trusting society?

Trust is a thing that is worked on a whole lifetime.

 

That statement: trust that takes five years to build can be destroyed in five minutes.

 

Could it be that those most comfortable with opposite gender friendships are also ones most trustworthy?

Like freedom in a vaccum. Freedom is easy, when it's never tested.

 

I think a wandering eye is what it is.

And if it tends to wander........many friends or none at all isn't really going to change that.

Perhaps......it's a control thing.

And being controlled is just a gilded cage.......be it male or female plumage.

 

Not that gilded. You make some very good points here. Particularly regarding the wandering eye. If you have one it doesn't matter who your friends are, you're going to (unless paired with a high degree of self-control and high conscientiousness) likely wander. If you don't have one, you won't. Again, regardless of who your friends are.

[AnyaNova]

Because more times than not, a woman's male "friends" are simply guys who are waiting in the wings to be the next in line for sex

 

Hmm. So a man can't appreciate a woman for her intelligence, her compassion, her personality? He can't choose to be friends with her and be satisfied completely with friendship for time and all eternity?

 

So what you are saying is that men are essentially and entirely slaves to their libido, who can't use their intellect, their emotions, and their entire personality to make decisions about who their friends are?

[AnyaNova]

Risk may be a good word for extreme cases, but let's just assume that it's not about risk per se, but more about the nature and quality of the relationships. (although we can't separate it completely––the jealousy gene did not proliferate without reason.) When people are in relationship, the relationship is affected by other relationships (ref. Murray Bowen, family systems - triangulation). What guy in his right mind wants to be with a woman who takes her anxiety and relationship frustrations to a third party rather than working through it within the primary relationship? It's bad enough if that third party is a close relative or female friend, but if it's another male... well, it's obvious so no need to go into it.

 

If a woman has a bunch of male (but no female) friends then it's apparent that the basis of these friendships do not fall under what we'd term strictly platonic friendships. There is some type of sexual component regardless of whether it's conscious or subconscious, or ever actually results in a physical or emotional affair. The energy, intention and dedication that should be exclusive to the primary relationship is being siphoned off and distributed across multiple males. It has to do with her need to be desired by many, keeping backups in place, and having multiple channels for getting her needs met in one way or another.

 

Friendships have some type of basis––hobby, professional, special interest, drugs or vices, etc. People can be acquaintances and friendly all of their lives, but if they're spending much time together there is more going on than being interested in whether or not the other person is having a good day. If no other reason is apparent for opposite sex friends to be that tight, then you can bet your sweet ass that there is a sexual basis... the guy is attracted and the woman likes being desired, or visa versa, or something along those lines.

 

Why would anyone want to put up with this stuff? Best just to chooses people who have more normal assortments of friends with appropriate boundaries. It's hard enough to make a relationship work without the layers of complications.

 

 

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that women should do this. It not about her editing/deleting her male friends to appease. It's about the basic predispositions, the woman's essential motivation for collecting orbiters and why her friendship overtures don't stick with well-balanced people of the same gender.

 

Anyone who doesn't recognize that there is an underlying issue is probably rationalizing rather than trying to see things objectively.

 

Why is it apparent? I mean, even if seven out of ten or more of the men have some sort of under the table agenda, even if...If she is good and pure and true to her lover, and her heart, mind, and soul are in the right place and she is only friends with these other men, what does it matter?

 

I mean in this instance either you have to admit that it doesn't and shouldn't, or you have to suggest that this woman is so incredibly dumb, that sweet and naïve as she may be (in your mind to believe that these friends of hers who are men only want friendship), that these men could easily sway her, talk her out of, or otherwise lead her from her chosen relationship path like a little child offered candy.

 

To me, the fact that if her heart is in the right place, you think that she would be at risk to be swayed away seems to demonstrate a remarkably dim view of women, our ability to think, our ability to make choices, and particularly, our ability to stick with the choices we have made.

[FrostBlaze]

Most people are not you, what i mean by that is loyalty wich is rare. If you say you truly are so loyal.

 

Life experience has shown me this more than once.

 

Me being close friends with girls, they break up with boyfriends at some point in their life. Suddently come to me to say " you know i always had a thing for you...even back then" and yes she was flirting with me even before. So she was emotionally cheating on her BF by wanting me while being friends. Probably felt like this for more of her male friends, not just me. ANd this happaned so far to me...twice.

 

And here is the reversed version, as me being the boyfriend, with a girl that had way to many male friends. I trusted her, i was confident she loved me. Sure she loved me, but while i was gone long days at work and she had time to spare to get to know her male friends better, what else could she do but flirt, like them and fall in love with one of her friends... xD, bah.

 

I could go on about the flirting at work betwen supposed friends, all of them being married n such. IN this day and age it's hard to trust.

 

THe only way i trust a woman with male "friends" is if the contact is very low betwen them. Once every few days or only when with me, not long prolongued chats about god knows what, or console her problems...whatever xD. She needs to have some other hobby when i'm not with her, not her male friends haha.

[fortyninethousand322]

I am truly confused on this issue.

 

I hear a lot of men saying that they won't date a woman who has friends that are men. Particularly one whose friends are mostly men. As if somehow she is more of a cheating risk than one whose friends are all women.

 

Have any studies actually found any such correlation, and even moreso, any sense of causation?

 

My friends do tend to be men. I grew up in a family where clear communication was the norm and accepted. Where if you were angry at someone, you told them, and you told them why, and clearly worked out the issue.

 

Women tend to do these massive passive aggressive campaigns where they won't tell you they are mad at you (maybe you were concentrating so hard on your next test, that when you passed them in the hall you didn't see them and they felt slighted), and then get all of your other friends mad at you and it just spirals down from there.

 

I do have and have had friends that are women. Mostly they are women who are also driven crazy by such lack of communication.

 

Out of all my men friends, I would only ever consider a relationship with one of them, and only if he was able to lose a healthy amount of weight (not only for the attraction, but also because I don't want to be a widow at 40) but also..if I'm in a relationship with a man, he is the one I see. He is the only one I see (like that).

 

I am one of the most painfully loyal women you'd ever want to meet. The idea of having sex outside of a committed relationship to me is repulsive beyond words to me.

 

Yet many of you men would reject me on the sole basis that I tend to get along better with men than with women? I guess I am just trying to understand why.

 

Your thoughts on this?

 

I would never reject a woman solely because she had a lot (or only) guy friends.

 

I would feel very intimidated though. Just being honest.

[KathyM]

I think men generally desire friendships with women one-on-one, because they hope it will lead to more. I think the same is true of women who desire male one-on-one friends. Some men and women will keep orbiters for attention purposes, despite knowing the person has a romantic/sexual interest in them. The problem with opposite sex one-on-one friendships when in a romantic relationship with someone else is also that it fosters an emotional intimacy that can undermine or interfere with the primary romantic relationship, especially when the primary couple is going through a rough patch and confides in the "friend" about his troubles with his SO. Even people with good boundaries and good values can find themselves developing an emotional attachment to the "friend" whom he shares his time with one-on-one. Many affairs have started from initial friendship. I think any opposite sex friends should be kept in the category of couple friends or group friends, rather than spending one-one-one time with them when in a relationship.