KaliLove Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 First thing I thought when I read the title of this thread was YIKES. After reading the whole thing, my reaction is YIKES TIMES INFINITY!!! You're not his girlfriend, you're his mommy. What is he studying for exactly if he never plans to work again? You've given him 6 years of freedom to become a successful writer..what does he have to show for those 6 years? Most successful writers have to work until they are successful. This dude isn't a writer. He's a sponge. 1
Tressugar Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 You're too old to be going through this drama. You can do bad all by yourself.
mickleb Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 What do you think about my boyfriend's plan to pay me rent if we split up? I see it as him recognizing that this would be a fairer exchange. As someone said before, if he can pay you rent when you split up, why can't he pay it now?! I see you asking the question as another way of asking: Is there any way I can keep his company and make this a little healthier? I'll ask you: Why are you so terrified of being alone?
littleplanet Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Oh my...........I've seen this before, and it never works out well, in the end. OP, if you can take a good hard look at your future, what is it that you see? Whatever this man is and isn't - he is obviously a huge safety blanket for you. As carhill mentioned, if the plusses add up to more than the minuses, then it's entirely up to you how to proceed. But it doesn't sound from the tone of your opening post, that you're happy with the situation. You are still quite young enough for another look at life. A very different kind of life. In which, a relationship will better serve your needs. You obviously must be a very loving and giving person, to have stood this for six years. A good hardworking man would find you a catch, I'd say. You are being used, OP. And you are also being emotionally blackmailed. You are being manipulated. By someone who knows exactly how to play the game. He is either a helpless manchild, or a hound, or both. If your blinders paint him in this picture of some glorious esthetic whom you have saved from (starving? himself? facing the real world? etc....) then you might want to seriously consider what those blinders do for you. You do what you do for love (of course - no denying) Yet you do not receive that same love back. So what exactly is the point? You are tossing the most valuable thing you possess.....away for nothing. Crumbs. Table scraps. He doesn't love you. He won't marry you. You have replaced a lover with a dependent. Better the devil you do know (this unhappy situation) than the devil you don't? The lonliness of a life without him..... and perhaps - a very decent chance for a better life. Before it finally does become too late.
isisisweeping Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 If you had hosen as a loving couple for you to do the paid work while he focuses on writing and household stuff, that would be A-Okay. Personal choice in a relationship. Whatever works for a couple. But... he doesn't love you. If he doesn't love you now that won't change. There is no reason to put up with this. Leave him and find someone who will. And no ,no moving in together... That's just going to have him still leaching and scaring off anyone with real intentions.
2sunny Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 What would it look like if it were a balanced relationship? Most people get a sense of being proud of what they accomplish each day - what is that for him? Having him there, under these conditions - may actually be stunting his personal growth - he has no need to challenge himself each day? That's a question... If he's studying - that's reading/research - and a far cry from actually writing. If he hasn't produced evidence of his writing - you may be helping him do nothing. Motivation comes from within. If nothing changes - nothing changes. He's exchanging a hug and groceries for rent - is that balanced?
FitChick Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Kick him out and rent out his room. You will have company and extra cash. The Sponge can join the Army. They'll teach him a thing or two. Tell him he will get some great story ideas... 1
guest569 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 This is so frustrating for me to read, as a child of a similar relationship where the lazy "artist" was carried along and used tantrums or threats to remain there. Sorry, he is 31. Writing is his passion or hobby but he needs a job. A job at the supermarket stacking shelves, or data entry in an office.. plenty of time for thinking up story lines in that sort of job, I have found. You may think you are helping him, but you're not. If he leaves you simply because you ask him to pay for his own living, i am not sure he is in the relationship for the right reasons. No matter how busy a person is, if they are passionate and dedicated about something and truly want it, they will find the time to work on it. 1
2sunny Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 You feared losing him so you agreed he can date others while he lives with you free? Honey, you've made it EASY for him to use you... He can move and find someone else to use and blackmail.
lavenderlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) The great news is once you get your strength up and start clearing up your life even the smallest things will feel wonderful to you. Such as having twice as much disposable cash to spend on yourself, or even cutting down working hours so you can write. You will cry and moan, but you will reach out and find real friends, your place will have tonnes of extra space you get to fill as you choose. You will have Sundays you can think hey, what it is that I really feel like doing today and you will find that most things can be enjoyed alone or with friends. You discover interests you dropped and set challenges for yourself. People start telling you that you are looking great. If you feel like it you get to have casual sex, and before long you will realise that all this is nothing but the nearest of all bottom line, after that will come people who you actually like possibly for all the right reasons. I am sure it will happen to you one day. Edited June 30, 2014 by lavenderlove
Diezel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Is this a problem? Not if he still has his umbilical cord still attached to you. If it isn't, then YES, it's a huge problem.
Author joyuez Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 It is true that my boyfriend does: - Live here for free and use utilities for free (covered in my rent) - Use netflix for free - Use the internet for free He has described our relationship like an "arranged marriage". I don't know.
Emilia Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 He has described our relationship like an "arranged marriage". I don't know. Oh man.... get out of this arrangement, please. 1
mickleb Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 We already know he's taking the p*ss. The details you added don't bring much to the already ridiculous picture. It'd be more useful, for you, if you could start addressing some of the questions posed to you: why being alone terrifies you/ why his needs are more important that your own/ why you're enabling a bum etc.
Diezel Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I have to apologize, first time I read this thread, I totally thought the title read: "My son hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem?".
2sunny Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It is true that my boyfriend does: - Live here for free and use utilities for free (covered in my rent) - Use netflix for free - Use the internet for free He has described our relationship like an "arranged marriage". I don't know. An OPEN arranged marriage... Because you agreed he could date others while freeloading off you. I wonder how you would feel if a real man asked you out on a real date - paid for dinner and a movie or - heaven forbid - took you on an expensive vacation? I can't see this guy offering you that - yet, that's the real world when you date a real man. Have you always needed to be in control? To be the man in your relationships?
Author joyuez Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 An OPEN arranged marriage... Because you agreed he could date others while freeloading off you. I wonder how you would feel if a real man asked you out on a real date - paid for dinner and a movie or - heaven forbid - took you on an expensive vacation? I can't see this guy offering you that - yet, that's the real world when you date a real man. Have you always needed to be in control? To be the man in your relationships? No, I don't like to be in control, but I suppose I know where I stand with my boyfriend. He has never taken me out.
lavenderlove Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 This relationship simply reflects who you are. You choose your boyfriend, you choose him still day by day. This is what your life has become. It won't change unless you do...even if you leave him.
yajiuma Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 You seem extremely passive in this relationship. And I have to say reading your posts, your boyfriend knows how to play you like a fiddle. He knows what to say and do to get you to agree on situations that may not be in your best interest. Living rent free for all these years, no hope/promise of marriage, allowed to date others(WTF?) doesn't take you out. You are lulled into this routine you seem scared to break out of because of what? Fear of being alone,starting over? I'm almost certain that when your boyfriend "offered" to pay half the rent if you were to break up this was a bluff also, because he was sure what your reaction would be. You seem kind and generous to a fault in the current set-up. But enough of the martyr act, it's time to play a starring role in your own life and not be relegated to propping up someone elses dream.
Author joyuez Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 So this guy doesn't have his own place yet? No, I still pay the rent and he lives here rent free.
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