AnneT1985 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hey y'all! May I please have some support and advice on this issue that profoundly affects me? Growing up I was blamed for everything. I was a total scapegoat. I was thrown in the middle of intense family dysfunction and even told family members disliked me. I had intense anger directed at me if I had any contact with my extended family depending on how my immediate family felt about them that day despite my yearning to have a nice, peaceful existence with others. Anyhow, as an adult it's up to me to take responsibility for my life and relationships, and I do. I choose a healthy, peaceful existence. I am choosing the way I want to live and who I want to have relationships with. And while I don't blame anyone else for how I feel as an adult, I have constant residual guilt. I take the world on my shoulders. I feel responsible for others often. I take so many things personally. I try my darndest to free myself of this as an adult-to let people have their own issues without taking them on. Creating healthy boundaries. Refusing to accept abuse. But I still struggle with this. May I please get some insights, advice, tips...can anyone else relate? Any suggestions? Thanks y'all so much in advance. I appreciate this forum and everyone on it so much. xx
salparadise Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I know exactly what you're talking about. My girlfriend had similar childhood experiences and the residual effects are apparent. She is really smart and works at mindfulness practices, but it never completely goes away. One of the most apparent things I've noticed is how I can say something completely innocuous and she hears it as criticism. It requires that she take it a step further and apply some kind of logic to hear it that way, but she does it anyway. She knows she does it and she can't seem to quit because the guilt, shame, and rejection from childhood are etched into her psyche. Therapy can help of course, and if you haven't done it I suggest you do. But the other thing is just to try and accept yourself now as being a product of a dysfunctional family. Acceptance of the past is important because we can't change it. We can reframe and see things from different perspectives. Seeing yourself as completely worthy and lovable is often difficult for children of dysfunctional families. I think therapy can help and is probably your best option.
Author AnneT1985 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Thank you so much for sharing, sal. I understand your gf. We just sometimes feel unlovable and on guard for "criticism". Thankfully, mindfulness and therapy have been an integral part of my life for several years now and has enabled me to come a long way
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