hasaquestion Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 OP, what did you expect this boyfriend to do that would actually fix the situation? He was there until 4 AM. I'm sure if there was anything he could do about it, he would have done it by then, no? 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I like your answer. I'm not looking for him to be an insta-dad. I just thought it would be the "I love my girlfriend and her son too" thing to do to just ask if he could help or if everything was ok. Not just bolt and compare him to his out of control dog. (Complete dog lover here). You have issues if you expect a partner to assist in your toddlers every need. Toddlers are brats a lot of the time. They kick and scream if they don't get their way. They don't always sleep and if your their parent, it is YOUR job to stay awake all night to comfort your toddler..even if you have to work at six am the following day. You chose to have a child so he's YOUR responsibility. While a nice man will usually offer to assist you whenever your toddler cannot sleep, you have serious entitlement issues if you actually expect your boyfriends to offer to go without sleep everytime your toddler decides to scream all night. Why should he attend to your toddler we should ever need? You chose to have the child so it's your responsibility to get up at all hours to appease your child....... Your boyfriend should absolutely not be a expected to give up his sleep for a child that he SHOULDN'T be parenting at this early stage in your dating trajectory.. He should help if he's a nice guy but it's pretty crappy of you to just EXPECT a man to stay awake all night because your child cannot sleep. You had the kid so please stop expecting other people to give up their nights worth of sleep everytime they cry all night.. That's YOUR job, not a partners.. Although again, a kind man would likely choose to help out a good 50% of the time. 3
GildedLily Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I've known the guy I'm dating for going on three years and I've been dating him for about a year in a half now. I went through a crappy divorce with a lot of drama. I have a two year old son whom I adore and have him full time. I'm trying hard to adjust and be a good mom. My guy says he loves my son and they do get along well. My son adores him and his father is breaking his heart...I can't have another man do the same. My guy and I just spent four amazing nights on vacation together...just the two of us. I really felt like we connected and grew closer. Like maybe the idea of moving in with him was more of a reality. Tonight he comes over to spend the night for the first time since we've been back and my son is obviously upset about something and not sleeping. He's crying and upset. Heck I really can't sleep either. So, what does my boyfriend do? He up and leaves at 4:00am. "I'm going to get going" he says and leaves. Not a hey is there anything I can do to help, is he ok...nothing. So, then my son and I were both crying. Ugh! I'm so mad and hurt that he just left like that. After a year in a half I just expect more. He wants to move in together? Well...you can't run and hide from a toddler when you're living with him. Advice please! I don't have advice, but curious why you want him to move in, when you have a child that will obviously be torn to pieces if he up and leaves one day? Technically he has absolutely no responsibility to this child, or you. Why don't you wait for a marriage proposal before you take this guy seriously . Your child was probably crying for YOUR attention, that was being given away to your boyfriend. All due respect . 1
atmandu Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 How dare he try to get some sleep when another man's kid is screaming in the middle of the night. You're upset that he's not providing for you and your ex's child. He's upset because he wants to get some ****ing sleep and is probably tired of being told about what his responsibilities are to someone else's progeny. He's a huge loser alright....but not for the reasons you think.
haribogumsnickers Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 He just didn't care enough to stay. That's loser-ish. It should be expected of him at least to show he cares because of the length of the relationship. Then again, at 4 am, everyone is in zombie mode. Be cool and talk it out. No need to call him a loser just yet.
Zahara Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I like your answer. I'm not looking for him to be an insta-dad. I just thought it would be the "I love my girlfriend and her son too" thing to do to just ask if he could help or if everything was ok. Not just bolt and compare him to his out of control dog. (Complete dog lover here). Palm, I understand how you feel. My ex had little kids and I remember one night the little one walked in and said he was scared. His dad was dead to the world so I took him into bed and cuddled with him. Then the second, seeing that his brother wasn't in bed came into the room and said he was scared too. I took him into the bed and tucked them in and I went to sleep on the couch. And I'm a stickler about my sleep. Eventhough they weren't my kids, I still felt responsible and protective over them. Regardless of whether you are a parent, you do what you can to make a child feel safe and cared for. What you're asking isn't unreasonable at all. You didn't ask him to breastfeed the child! Good grief some of the responses. You just wanted him to show you that he was empathetic. I understand that it bothers you that it could be indicative of his level of nurturing for your son and you. If I were you, I'd have a conversation with him about it and tell him exactly how you feel as you communicated on LS. He may not even realize that he did it or he could have been in zombie mode and just reacted without thinking. Edited July 3, 2014 by Zahara 1
Diezel Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 This thread is absolutely bonkers and a cautionary tale as to why I wouldn't date a single mother. Unlike the OP's "loser", I just know I'd be getting up and walking out at 4 AM... so I just avoid the situation altogether. 2
isisisweeping Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I've had friends who I wasn't in a long term partnership with be more considerate/helpful than that. My ex husband wasn't but he was working and I was not so any household stuff- including kids- was clearly my responsibility/ job. He should have at least offered to help or talked to you about it and let you say, "No there's nothing you can do go get some sleep." But, one mistake does not a loser make. At least he's not like some of the posters in this thread -- talk it out, maybe you can figure it out before next time. Certainly before moving in together though. PS - my friend - single mother of four- ran into some of the same problems with her partner not realizing how it all needed to work in a partnership. They worked it out. They're getting married very soon. Edited July 3, 2014 by isisisweeping
Leigh 87 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 This is hilarious. So you expect the guy to get up and help comfort someone else's child at 4am every single time? If personally prefer if a partner were to do it some of the time. I wouldn't date a man who never helped. However, it's beyond a joke to think this poor dude should be expected to be up and helping look after someone else's child every time they throw a tantrum or wake up. 1
Zahara Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) I don't believe the OP is seeking for her partner to take care of her child everytime he throws a tantrum. There is no need for exaggeration. No one said it's expected that he wakes up and soothes her child everytime he cries. What OP expects and what is expected from a partner, who has chosen to be in a relationship with someone that has a child IS a showing of empathy. A showing of care and concern. The very basic, "Is everything okay?" which is what the OP was seeking. That's all. You don't really need to do much or do anything at all, but to simply ask -- just a few kind words can go a very long way. Edited July 4, 2014 by Zahara 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 It depends on the child. I cannot stand toddlers who are more difficult than other toddlers. I recently quit a job where the toddler would literally throw a tantrum every single time I tried to change his clothes in the morning. He would kick me and scream. And I have worked with other toddlers before and they never threw ONE tantrum around me, much less every time I tried to change them out of their pyjamas into their day clothes.... Now, I would date a man with a child. But I would not continue to date a man who had a brat of a toddler. Sorry but they are so annoying and I wouldn't stand them. I would offer to be absent from the toddlers life until he was civilised or just break up with him most likely. The OP hasn't said whether her toddler is difficult or just throws the occasional tantrum. You absolutely cannot blame a man for not wanting to partake in attending to a toddlers needs if he is quiet rightly, a terror toddler. They are annoying as hell and while I like normally toddlers who throw the occasional tantrum, I do not BLAME a man for being rather absent around the toddler if they are a brat. If the OP'S toddler is normally well behaved and devoid of tantrums (the one I minded had tantrums every day:sick:), then sure, I can see how it was rather rude of him to just leave without asking if the OP needed help. Even so, if she had said "yes I do need help" then she cannot go on to expect him to help her EVERY TIME her toddler decides to be a total inconvenience.
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