palmbreeze Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I've known the guy I'm dating for going on three years and I've been dating him for about a year in a half now. I went through a crappy divorce with a lot of drama. I have a two year old son whom I adore and have him full time. I'm trying hard to adjust and be a good mom. My guy says he loves my son and they do get along well. My son adores him and his father is breaking his heart...I can't have another man do the same. My guy and I just spent four amazing nights on vacation together...just the two of us. I really felt like we connected and grew closer. Like maybe the idea of moving in with him was more of a reality. Tonight he comes over to spend the night for the first time since we've been back and my son is obviously upset about something and not sleeping. He's crying and upset. Heck I really can't sleep either. So, what does my boyfriend do? He up and leaves at 4:00am. "I'm going to get going" he says and leaves. Not a hey is there anything I can do to help, is he ok...nothing. So, then my son and I were both crying. Ugh! I'm so mad and hurt that he just left like that. After a year in a half I just expect more. He wants to move in together? Well...you can't run and hide from a toddler when you're living with him. Advice please!
morrowrd Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 If he left because he was annoyed that you both were keeping him up, that would bother me too. I would ask him for answers, why did he leave? See what he says.... Just curious why he didn't try to be compassionate to the girl & child he apparently loves. People who are half asleep most times aren't themselves. I know I have to get up and get ready for work at 3 AM every morning, and I have trouble sleeping at times. While I myself still wouldn't have abruptly left, I might have done something else like put earplugs in, or something else to be able to get to sleep. Not however, before asking what was wrong. My advice is to pay attention to just what other little things annoy him. At this point in the relationship everyone is on their best behavior, so those little things are important. 1
Author palmbreeze Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 His reply to leaving...he wanted to get some sleep. Well me too buddy! I thought we were more of a team at this point. He told my son he would see him in the morning after he left from dinner, well that's not going to happen. Don't say you love someone if you aren't going to be there for them...that's not love.
Keenly Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 His reply to leaving...he wanted to get some sleep. Well me too buddy! I thought we were more of a team at this point. He told my son he would see him in the morning after he left from dinner, well that's not going to happen. Don't say you love someone if you aren't going to be there for them...that's not love. Okay... wait a second. Your kid can't sleep, you can't sleep... so he is supposed to stay awake and suffer with you two? I think you are being a little irrational on this one. He left because he wanted to sleep. You know, that basic human biological necessity. Not even close to fair to get mad at him for that. 9
morrowrd Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 His reply to leaving...he wanted to get some sleep. Well me too buddy! I thought we were more of a team at this point. He told my son he would see him in the morning after he left from dinner, well that's not going to happen. Don't say you love someone if you aren't going to be there for them...that's not love. I don't think that means he isn't there for you. I don't think this means he isn't a team player. If it was me, my "priority" after asking you what was wrong, would be to get back to sleep so I could function at work. If you think that is what a deadbeat does, you are in for an eye opener when you end up with a real one. 1
Assasda Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hold on, there was no conversation before this? Did he just up and leave and left you wondering why? Or did you 2 have a conversation? How old is your son. The details are so scant, makes me think somebody just pity seeking
Author palmbreeze Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 My son is two. No there was no conversation before he just up and left...he just up and left. I don't need pity, I just need advice. My son and I have been through a lot this past year. I don't need to waste time on anyone who is going to end up breaking our hearts.
Assasda Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Interesting. Well I wonder why he didnt tell you that he was going to leave. Thats not very mature of him. If he told you that he was going to leave, I would think it fair. ... but the fact that he didnt tell you anything, seems cold. a little too cold. If he infact didnt tell you anything before he left, proceed with caution
amaysngrace Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 You guys went on vacation for four days, left your son for four days, your son's now upset and all you care about is why your BF left in the middle of the night? Maybe you should take a parenting course... 11
omit Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Talk to him about it, might have just been a decision in the moment with nothing in it. The looser bit is harsh on this one, when it comes to children and men who are in a relationship with some one who has children the learning curve is almost vertical all the stuff you picked up in your role over the years with your son he's got that all ahead of him if you move in together. So have a chat with him for the best the "looser" thing park that don't let it come into your view.
Poppygoodwill Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I guess it depends if his actions are part of a larger pattern you've seen, or a one-off. I agree with you that if you're thinking about bringing this man into your family with your son, then he needs to be in the mind frame to be part of a family - which means, with a toddler especially - sacrifice and team work. This sort of action is a big red flag that his thinking isn't in the right place yet to be part of your family. But it doesn't mean he can't get there. Maybe he just has to wrap his head around what it means and what he'll have to do differently to be a dad to your son. I think you should tlak to him about expectations if he moves in. That's where the rubber hits the road. Is he roommate and you're parent, so that ultimately everything to do wtih your son is your responsibility? Is he taking on a kind of caregiving role, as your partner? Is this heading toward a more permanent commitment, or are you two just thinking about the right now? I think you're right to wonder how committed he is to the idea of being a family and all that means. But I think you should talk to him first, give him a chance to understand and discuss expectations before writing him off.
Author palmbreeze Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 I'm not sure how me being concerned about the man in my son's life = me not caring about my son. I'd do anything for that little boy and if it means breaking it off with a man...then I'll do it. I just stayed up half the night comforting him and snuggling with him. I hardly think I'm a bad mom or more concerned about my self centered boyfriend. I appreciate everyone's advice and feedback! 2
RachR Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 If you're looking for a long term partner who is there for both you and your kids, I'd be highly concerned to keep seeing someone who would just up and walk out when this sort of thing happens. You've been dating him a long time. Is this sort of lack of compassion from him and getting out of there when things get "annoying" common when it comes to your kid? When person become serious with someone who has small children, wouldn't that mean taking on the responsibility of being a parent too? Is that what you believe as well? (Like me?) If so, might want to spend time reflecting on how he will fit into your life in the future. 1
Scorpio Chick Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Don't move in with him, but not because of this incident. If it didn't work out with your husband, and he's not involved in his own son's life (so typical today, smh) then you know you can't count on this working out. And living with him means you each already have a foot out the door. So completely easy to say, upp, well, it's not working out, see ya!! And there your son is, abandoned by yet another father figure. And the cycle continues....... If he loves you, then he can marry you. Don't settle for less because it's not just you now, it's your son. Too many of these situations turn out badly when no one's really invested where it counts. Just my two cents. 2
Purepony Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Not a loser but maybe and inconsiderate scumbag. That's just rude I understand he could be tired or whatever but cmon I've been in situations like that and I don't walk out
somedude81 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 It sounds like you should talk to him about this. Tell him how you feel when he just left. He needs to know what you are and your son are a package and that your BF just can't ignore your son whenever he wants.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 First of all, bummed for you, because the answer is he's a loser, at least from the aspect of being the man your family needs. He may be exactly what a single version of you wants. But she doesn't exist. I wouldn't dump him. But I'd keep him away from your son, period, end of story, until such time as he commits to the two of you. Right now he's not there. 1
greenbee81 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Maybe everyone is overreacting. He may have been bothered and didn't want to argue or make things worse? Though we don't have his side of the story.
Keenly Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 First of all, bummed for you, because the answer is he's a loser, at least from the aspect of being the man your family needs. He may be exactly what a single version of you wants. But she doesn't exist. I wouldn't dump him. But I'd keep him away from your son, period, end of story, until such time as he commits to the two of you. Right now he's not there. Why don't you tell us what he should have done ? 1
RonaldS Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Okay... wait a second. Your kid can't sleep, you can't sleep... so he is supposed to stay awake and suffer with you two? I think you are being a little irrational on this one. He left because he wanted to sleep. You know, that basic human biological necessity. Not even close to fair to get mad at him for that. Package deal, guy. If he is going to be in a serious relationship with a woman who has a child, that's just part of it. If it's too much for him, he should have thought about that a year and a half ago. He signed up to do the right thing, and the right thing is to care for the woman, care for the child, and be part of the solution, not bolt when the room gets a little hot. Oh, you need sleep? Tough effing crap, dude. If you want sleep, stay single or date women with no kids, or at least older kids. To me, it's a dick move. No other way to frame it. 2
Keenly Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Package deal, guy. If he is going to be in a serious relationship with a woman who has a child, that's just part of it. If it's too much for him, he should have thought about that a year and a half ago. He signed up to do the right thing, and the right thing is to care for the woman, care for the child, and be part of the solution, not bolt when the room gets a little hot. Oh, you need sleep? Tough effing crap, dude. If you want sleep, stay single or date women with no kids, or at least older kids. To me, it's a dick move. No other way to frame it. So basically what you are saying is you are obligated to raise her kids if you date her. Right ? I love how we are twisting this to make him into a bad guy. He left at 4 am because he needed sleep, and he clearly wasn't going to get it there. Maybe he had work the next day. Because some how his responsibility to raise her kid, and if you ever date anyone with kids you become insta-father. I guess leaving because they are keeping you awake all night is some how selfish? None of this makes any logical sense at all. In fact we are placing absurd demands on him. 5
RonaldS Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 So basically what you are saying is you are obligated to raise her kids if you date her. Right ? I love how we are twisting this to make him into a bad guy. He left at 4 am because he needed sleep, and he clearly wasn't going to get it there. Maybe he had work the next day. Because some how his responsibility to raise her kid, and if you ever date anyone with kids you become insta-father. I guess leaving because they are keeping you awake all night is some how selfish? None of this makes any logical sense at all. In fact we are placing absurd demands on him. Not insta-father....he's been with this chick for a year-and-a-half, man. Yep...he's got some responsibility for both of them if he's going to be there. It's part of the deal. He voluntarily (I'm assuming) formed a serious relationship with a woman who has a young child. Sorry. The kid is part of it. If they were a month or two in, fine. Jet if you need sleep. But 18 months? Tough it out, champ. He signed up for this. It is what it is.
MissBee Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hey Palmbreeze, First off, what have you and your bf discussed in terms of your relationship with him and with your child? Has he expressed wanting to marry you? Have a family? Does he express loving your son as well as you? Does he expressing wanting to play a father role to your child or be a step parent? Where exactly does he stand on this? I think for a single mom that is the FIRST thing you need to know BEFORE you start bringing a man you're dating around your child, start having him sleep over, moving in or having particular expectations of him. Was it ever discussed frankly what you expect of him towards your child? For some single moms, when the father is around, the bf doesn't need to play a father role but of course needs to respect the child, treat them well, care for them etc. For some men they don't really care for the child and simply see the child as someone to be tolerated so that they can see the mom and for other men they love and treat that child like their own and date a single mom because they want to be a dad and see loving the mom as a package. I think you want the latter, and heck I would too! Nothing is wrong with that and there are men out there who can do that....but you cannot expect this automatically and it's important when you're dating to figure out the man's stance on it. So again....have you simply assumed your bf would be someone who will play father to your child, love him, he wants to be a dad/stepdad or has he verbally expressed this? As a single mom especially you can't date on assumptions esp if you don't want your child to be hurt. You can't just willy nilly based on assumption have men in your son's life who've never committed to you and him in words and actions. Have a talk with your bf if you haven't already...and if he cannot express that he loves you AND your son and wants to commit to you both and not just shack up and then leave when the child annoys him, then you have to walk away. But from the sound of it...doesn't seem like he is that invested in being any kind of father figure, which is his right, but you need to know this now and for when you date again to make sure you figure this out before investing in a man or bringing him around your kid. 3
Keenly Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Not insta-father....he's been with this chick for a year-and-a-half, man. Yep...he's got some responsibility for both of them if he's going to be there. It's part of the deal. He voluntarily (I'm assuming) formed a serious relationship with a woman who has a young child. Sorry. The kid is part of it. If they were a month or two in, fine. Jet if you need sleep. But 18 months? Tough it out, champ. He signed up for this. It is what it is. By voluntarily getting into a relationship with a woman with a child, you are not automatically responsible for that child. That's not how it works. 3
preraph Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I'm presuming the guy had to get some sleep so he could work the next day or whatever. Don't expect anyone to make the same sacrifices for your baby as you are willing to do. You're his mother. This man is not his father and, news flash, even if he was, most fathers leave it all up to the mother! Not saying it's right. Just sayin'. Men come from a "how can I fix it" stance on most any problem. He knew he couldn't do anything to fix this, so he probably figured you could fix it better without him there, plus he needed to get to sleep. If you start thinking of him as this child's father, then a small caution before you open that door. If you expect him and he accepts to pitch in on this type stuff, get up and comfort the baby, make sacrifices, then it is only fair he also gets to have input as to if he thinks the kid needs a spankin or to be left to scream at the top of his lungs instead of given attention every time he cries or whether to get a babysitter when that might scare you. Normally, it is advised a step-parent does not participate that heavily and leaves it up to the parent of the child, just to keep the parent in control of their child. Usually it's advised in courts and in psychologist's offices that all that rests on the parent. So then it's a matter of can the step-person just come into that situation as it exists and be happy with it. Not many can. I think if I were you I'd be happy that he's good with things most of the time, because your child is now a toddler and for anyone who doesn't have the obligation to stick around during the next three years but who does anyway, to me, they are a saint. Please realize that this guy knows he's already coming second to the child. Sounds like he's okay with that, and a lot of guys are not. So if he moves in and occasionally needs to go check into a hotel to get some sleep, let him. He's not you and he has to deal with only as much as he can. He is under no obligation to have the same investment or patience as you. Meanwhile, what was wrong with your baby? Was it anything or just a bid for attention? If it's the latter, he's old enough to understand he gets rewarded only for good behavior going forward. So give him praise and attention when he's being quiet and cooperative and nonclingy, and start backing off and not reacting when he's having a tantrum for attention, once you know it's not a medical issue. 5
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