I am giving up

[lavenderlove]

It sounds like you aren't very choosy and get involved quickly with almost any man who asks you out, instead of stepping back and asking yourself what they could bring to your life. I have a feeling you stay with guys you know aren't suitable for far too long.

 

As someone said, the common denominator is you. You need to find out what you believe about yourself, men, relationships, life that has you acting and attracting in prescribed ways. Only then will things change. Read my signature line.

 

I am not needy. I don't have to be with someone all the time. I only go out with guys who I am attracted to, who interest me. Man, who I feel there is more to than what meets the eye. I don't see a point otherwise.

 

You are right. I should be more picky. I should have at least an A4 list of what I want in a men, and go through it diligently upon meeting someone.

 

I know what I believe in. I know who I am and I know what I want. I stay with people until I have faith in the relationship, not a day more, not an hour more.

Having said that when something goes down, I am there too work it out, to solve it. I am not lazy, I don't throw in the towel easily.

 

I mean knowing how things are in life, there must be a lesson here. There must be a reason for all this in within me I agree with you on that one.

 

I just think that the lesson may be to let go, simply to just let go of desires. Something else might blossom from this new perspective.

 

I feel better with this new feeling. I feel like a massive weight has just fallen from my shoulders.

[lavenderlove]

Something else meaning something that doesn't involve a relationship.

[lavenderlove]

Guys, listen to this song: it is beautiful and totally describes how it all feels. It's titled Nude by Radiohead.

 

Here is the link:

 

[True Gent]

So, I just reached a conclusion. I don't need men in my life.

Not talking about 'a' man, or 'the' man, just generally man.

 

I am 29, have a decent job, have decent dreams, I look after myself, look good, I am funny (not today) and intelligent, stylish, have lots of real friends and a nice place to live.

Not that it matters, I am just saying so you get an idea. I am not a depressed person living in darkness.

 

I have dated men my whole life, I have no trouble being picked up, or being taken seriously or being loved. However somewhere down the line, be that 2 months, 8 years, 9 months etc something always goes wrong. Either on my side or on theirs. Recent years mainly on theirs.

 

I am very caring and kind, I accept people for who they are, give them space, don't try to change anyone. I know the question is lurking in my mind too...so what the hell is wrong with me?

 

My answer is:nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

I am so sick of this roller coaster. I had my heart broken so many times so many ways it's not even funny. I am honestly at the point of giving up on my idea of finding someone amazing and falling in love(both ways) and having a family. I would love to have children. If it was my choice only, I would have had one by now.

 

What if this whole beautiful thing is just not in store for me? What is the guarantee that everyone finds their other half? That everyone succeeds in living a complete life they desire?

 

I have just gotten to the point that I have so little faith in my ability to understand men's interest and unknotting their lies, I have so little energy left to pursue anything that I have no desire left to share my life with anyone anymore.

 

Thanks for reading this, I don't even know why I am posting this...

 

 

I can relate to how you feel. I'm a man and I'm feeling much the same.

 

I've had 2 LTRs in my 34 years and both times I feel I was the better half of the relationship. Both relationships were clouded by the unreasonable attitudes and behaviours of the other half.

 

I gave my all and was as good as I could be, yet I have always been repayed with BS from a person who ultimitley just doesn't measure up. I ended my first LTR of 2.5 years and I was the dumpee after my second and much more serious LTR of 9 years.

 

Like yourself I honestly think there is nothing wrong with me, yet for some reason love doesn't love me

 

I'm growing increasingly tired of dating, the people I've dated since my breakup are either desperate, hung up on their ex or just no chemistry. I receive very poor "hey how are you?" Type messages on line, yet my carefully written messages are often ignored. I gave a girl my number in real life who I thought I got on really well with, I only asked her to dinner and I heard nothing.

 

I miss companionship and love. Maybe just being 8 months out of 9 years with someone I thought was going to be my wife has something to do with how I feel.

 

Don't know what I'm saying, I just know exactly what you are feeling and it does suck.

 

 

 

Take heart - reading what you have written, it sounds to me like your indifference or "screw them I'm done" attitude is covering up how you really feel, which is a deep sense of despair or grief about having your heart hurt and not having found the person that is going to stay for the long haul - otherwise maybe you wouldn't be on a site for issues in relationships/love in the middle of the night, amirite?

 

It is OK to feel this way. It is called relationship burnout. Take care of yourself, throw yourself into your life and the things you love to do. You are YOUNG. I have a circle of close friends, each one of them more fabulous than the next, and not a single one of them got married before their thirties. Two women I know did get married early only to get divorced, and remarried in their forties. I am not saying you will have to wait that long, I am just saying - it's OK. Just because you feel this way now does not mean you are going to be single forever or that a lasting, loving relationship is not going to find you.

 

Just keep being your fabulous self and the right person will be there when it is time

 

 

Relationship burnout... That's a new one on me. I guess that must apply to me to at this moment in time too.

 

I just seem to feel so jaded.

 

 

I imagine this kind of life may be fulfilling for some people for example my ex boyfriend who loves swapping over his partners every six or so years.

But this is not who I am. To me the honeymoon stage is great, but what interests me is when you stick with someone through thick and thin share your life and help each other grow. Thats exciting. Thats meaningful. When life challenges you with all the boring everyday stuff, and the bigger problems. To be there for someone and to know that that person will be there for you. Thats beautiful.

I had about ten boyfriends not counting affairs. If I lined them up, I would get the weirdest assortment of people. I don't have types. I appreciate each as an individual. The whole thing seems so meaningless. All the fun, all the heartache, all the beautiful and ugly moments... I gave it a shot each and every time. A real one, an honest one. I got up after each fall, brushed myself off, and said hey, chin up keep going, don't give up.

Well, I am over it.

 

I am like you in this respect. I think the long haul is the ultimate goal. I don't want to drift in and out of love, I want someone who's going to stick around through thick and thin. Someone who really knows you and loves you for it.

 

The honeymoon phase is actually the least appealing part of a relationship to me. It's unknown, you have to learn about each other, you are not completely comfortable with one an other yet. There is pressure to impress. I dunno maybe I'm just messed up after losing my now ex fiancée?

 

 

 

Don't know what I'm saying, I just totally relate your feelings lavenderlove. You aren't alone.

[LoveBohemian]

I am 29, have a decent job, have decent dreams, I look after myself, look good, I am funny (not today) and intelligent, stylish, have lots of real friends and a nice place to live.

Not that it matters, I am just saying so you get an idea. I am not a depressed person living in darkness.

 

I have dated men my whole life, I have no trouble being picked up, or being taken seriously or being loved. However somewhere down the line, be that 2 months, 8 years, 9 months etc something always goes wrong. Either on my side or on theirs. Recent years mainly on theirs.

 

I am very caring and kind, I accept people for who they are, give them space, don't try to change anyone. I know the question is lurking in my mind too...so what the hell is wrong with me?

 

My answer is:nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

Like yourself I honestly think there is nothing wrong with me, yet for some reason love doesn't love me

 

We are all unique, special and deserving of love, but logically speaking, if neither of you think there is anything wrong with you, then you must think of yourself as perfect. I've yet to meet anybody who is perfect. We all have imperfections and we take these imperfections into relationships. It always takes 2 to tango in a relationship and one must always take their share of responsibility for when it goes wrong. Even if you think it was mostly their fault, there will always be a role you contributed to. If we take no responsibility for our role in a relationship then we become blameless and the same mistakes will continue to be repeated to the next relationship. We must learn our lessons, even if means taking a prolonged break from relationships to contemplate, learn and be honest with ourselves (lavenderlove, it sounds like you need to do this as I'm getting the gist you've done a lot of dating. I'm not surprised you feel burnt out. You're right to knock men on the head for a while. Be by yourself and enjoy yourself. That's an attractive quality in itself.)

 

For instance, taking responsibility could be something as simple as recognising you're attracting the wrong type of romantic partners into your life. The only way that this will change is if you change yourself. Like attracts like.

 

Also, if you felt you were the nice one, then perhaps you need to work on boundaries, show a bit of backbone and start picking people who respect you. If I had a pound for every time I've heard somebody say "I don't understand, I was aways nice to him/her, I didn't do anything wrong, why did they dump me?" I'd be extremely rich. The lesson is to stop blaming the idiots that YOU picked and think what you could do to stop this pattern repeating.

 

I'm not saying any of you do the above, but I'm just trying to paint a picture. I don't know you and I realise you are just letting off steam, but I just don't think having the attitude of "there is nothing wrong with me" is beneficial. I'm sure even your closest loved ones could find something wrong with you if you asked them. There is always stuff we can work on to become "better" people, but there is no way you can become a better person if you already think there is nothing wrong with you. No room for improvement, no scope for change. Same old idiots going to come back into your life time and time again to play sins with your heart.

 

I do wish you luck finding a deserving and loving partner. We all deserve to be in flourishing relationships, but often this starts with the self.

Edited June 29, 2014 by LoveBohemian

[True Gent]

We are all unique, special and deserving of love, but logically speaking, if neither of you think there is anything wrong with you, then you must think of yourself as perfect. I've yet to meet anybody who is perfect. We all have imperfections and we take these imperfections into relationships. It always takes 2 to tango in a relationship and one must always take their share of responsibility for when it goes wrong. Even if you think it was mostly their fault, there will always be a role you contributed to. If we take no responsibility for our role in a relationship then we become blameless and the same mistakes will continue to be repeated to the next relationship. We must learn our lessons, even if means taking a prolonged break from relationships to contemplate, learn and be honest with ourselves (lavenderlove, it sounds like you need to do this as I'm getting the gist you've done a lot of dating. I'm not surprised you feel burnt out. You're right to knock men on the head for a while. Be by yourself and enjoy yourself. That's an attractive quality in itself.)

 

For instance, taking responsibility could be something as simple as recognising you're attracting the wrong type of romantic partners into your life. The only way that this will change is if you change yourself. Like attracts like.

 

Also, if you felt you were the nice one, then perhaps you need to work on boundaries, show a bit of backbone and start picking people who respect you. If I had a pound for every time I've heard somebody say "I don't understand, I was aways nice to him/her, I didn't do anything wrong, why did they dump me?" I'd be extremely rich. The lesson is to stop blaming the idiots that YOU picked and think what you could do to stop this pattern repeating.

 

I'm not saying any of you do the above, but I'm just trying to paint a picture. I don't know you and I realise you are just letting off steam, but I just don't think having the attitude of "there is nothing wrong with me" is beneficial. I'm sure even your closest loved ones could find something wrong with you if you asked them. There is always stuff we can work on to become "better" people, but there is no way you can become a better person if you already think there is nothing wrong with you. No room for improvement, no scope for change. Same old idiots going to come back into your life time and time again to play sins with your heart.

 

I do wish you luck finding a deserving and loving partner. We all deserve to be in flourishing relationships, but often this starts with the self.

 

I totally agree with you and I do not for one minute think I'm perfect. Perfection is not possible. It takes two imperfect people who seem perfect for each other to work.

 

I know and understand the role I played in my relationships. I'm not dilusional in thinking I cannot look at myself in some way and think there isn't room for improvement of course there is but there always will be, we can't be who we aren't and we shouldn't change our core personalities to suit others.

 

One nail you have hit on the head is boundaries and perhaps giving too much leaway. I know I was too forgiving of certain things and I ignored some issues I wasn't happy with. I'll never allow myself to make those mistakes again, I have learnt from my experience.

 

It doesn't stop me thinking that overall I was the better person in my relationships. I'm yet to meet a female who is deserving of what I know I can bring to the table.

 

My ex said to me "I cannot say a bad word against you", she also said her family speak very highly of me and they think she's a fool for leaving me.

 

I think that's quite an accolade after 9 years. But she feels a spark with someone else and I'm history.

Edited June 29, 2014 by True Gent

[firmness]

Someone once told me "The common denominator in all of your relationships is you"

 

This changed my whole perspective on relationships.

 

There is one particular pattern I have noticed that keeps coming up over and over in my life and in reading such posts here and elsewhere. It is the "nice guy/bad boy" dilemma. Forgive me for saying it, but it really is an issue for men and women. Bear with me....

 

I avoid women who have a long history of dating bad boys. I have a little of that still in me, but I am not 20 years old anymore and I need to kill that bad boy side. It is dangerous to me and my happiness. The problem is that it is still appealing to many women my age. So it wants to come out.

 

If a woman expects me to fulfill that need, she is damaged goods and I will move on. I want beauty, wholesomeness, and intimacy in my life. Not excitement, danger, and fear of cheating. This is very clear to me. If a woman wants this, she has every right to pursue it and continue with her pattern. But she will not do this with me.

 

Sexual attraction is super important, but so are a bunch of other things.

 

One more thing - if a woman is judgmental, diva-ish, demanding, nitpicky, overly detail oriented or any of these sorts of controlling personality types, she is going to have problems. When we make others feel judged, we basically push them to lie to us. If we say things like "Ew, you like THAT?" or "I can't believe you did x, y, z" about their past or preferences.

 

Men need to feel safe in a relationship. We want a woman who can handle our stuff. I will not tolerate anyone judging me for my past. The split second a woman does that to me, unless it is a very minor thing, I end the relationship in my mind right then and there. I may stay for a while if it feels good otherwise, but I will never trust a judgy woman. Judgmental people are almost always the worst deviants of all. Think about all those Republican Senators who denounce homosexuality, but get caught in public bathrooms, "doing stuff".

 

Women can be like this. So perhaps these are two things you can reflect on and thing deeply about. Don't get defensive about this. Just sit and think. If you judge men, you are going to get a liar. If you prefer bad boys or tell your new boyfriend that you used to date bad boys, you are encouraging bad boy behavior - and part of that is about acting like a player, a liar, and a cheat.

 

It just sort of comes with the territory. Right?

 

I expect my woman/girlfriend to earn my trust and respect as I will try to earn hers. I will only date competent and strong women because I have had the silly type and they are a waste of time. And I know that my words and actions signal all sorts of things to her, so I make sure that my words match my behaviors.

[lavenderlove]

Of course I don't mean that I am a perfect human being either. Plus what does this whole idea of perfection has to do with falling in love?

 

I think lots of single people view the perfecting of themselves as a priority because of course the prettier you are the more guys will notice you, the more successful you are the more confident and attractive you will appeal to others and so on.

I think the basis of a happy relationship is more to do with matching up with someone. Where an aspect of your personality may be considered a fault to one person, it may be considered a great quality to someone else.

 

I am just going to be me. It doesn't matter what happened to me up until now. What matters is what I am going to do now. I think the only crime I ever committed in a relationship is a big one: not loving myself deeply enough. Loving the other person instead, hoping that their love towards me will satisfy the love I should feel for myself. And no matter what you do and how attractive you are nobody who doesn't love themselves and thinks that they deserve the best in life will be loved and showered with the fulfilment of their dreams.

 

Here we go. I think I have just found out what is wrong with me. Thanks guys:-) I think I do need a break. A long one. I am not giving up.

[LoveBohemian]

Of course I don't mean that I am a perfect human being either. Plus what does this whole idea of perfection has to do with falling in love?

 

I think lots of single people view the perfecting of themselves as a priority because of course the prettier you are the more guys will notice you, the more successful you are the more confident and attractive you will appeal to others and so on.

I think the basis of a happy relationship is more to do with matching up with someone. Where an aspect of your personality may be considered a fault to one person, it may be considered a great quality to someone else.

 

I am just going to be me. It doesn't matter what happened to me up until now. What matters is what I am going to do now. I think the only crime I ever committed in a relationship is a big one: not loving myself deeply enough. Loving the other person instead, hoping that their love towards me will satisfy the love I should feel for myself. And no matter what you do and how attractive you are nobody who doesn't love themselves and thinks that they deserve the best in life will be loved and showered with the fulfilment of their dreams.

 

Here we go. I think I have just found out what is wrong with me. Thanks guys:-) I think I do need a break. A long one. I am not giving up.

 

I think I was just alluding to the fallacy of thinking there is nothing wrong with you. It inhibits growth is all.

 

Perfection is impossible, and it's great that you have identified the bit that really counts. The self loving. That's the "me" bit that will bring most change and happier relationships to your life

 

I agree, single people being obsessed with looks and success are not always onto a winner. That stuff is external, not internal. Looking to the outside to improve yourself. New clothes, new job, new car etc. The real change comes from the heart, which is what you've identified.

 

I'm glad you are not giving up and taking a break. Good luck

[lavenderlove]

I think my day today has been a confirmation that I am on the right path.

 

I did so many things today I am proud of. I got so much work done and developed my relationships with people...as much as one encounter can do. Just made sure everyone I speak to I speak to from my heart including the most random conversations with strangers.

 

I just thanked God that I didn't end up permanently with this last guy I was seeing, because frankly we weren't meant for each other and I admit now that I got too carried away. I thanked him too and let him know that I agree with his decision and that I would be happy to run into him on the street.

 

Today I walked with the feeling that I am finally free from relationships and that it is more than ok to be single. It is fulfilling and rich in opportunities. I realised that I haven't felt this happy once while I was with anyone. It's a different kind of happiness. It is calm and steady and luxuriously attainable.