I am giving up

[lavenderlove]

So, I just reached a conclusion. I don't need men in my life.

Not talking about 'a' man, or 'the' man, just generally man.

 

I am 29, have a decent job, have decent dreams, I look after myself, look good, I am funny (not today) and intelligent, stylish, have lots of real friends and a nice place to live.

Not that it matters, I am just saying so you get an idea. I am not a depressed person living in darkness.

 

I have dated men my whole life, I have no trouble being picked up, or being taken seriously or being loved. However somewhere down the line, be that 2 months, 8 years, 9 months etc something always goes wrong. Either on my side or on theirs. Recent years mainly on theirs.

 

I am very caring and kind, I accept people for who they are, give them space, don't try to change anyone. I know the question is lurking in my mind too...so what the hell is wrong with me?

 

My answer is:nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

I am so sick of this roller coaster. I had my heart broken so many times so many ways it's not even funny. I am honestly at the point of giving up on my idea of finding someone amazing and falling in love(both ways) and having a family. I would love to have children. If it was my choice only, I would have had one by now.

 

What if this whole beautiful thing is just not in store for me? What is the guarantee that everyone finds their other half? That everyone succeeds in living a complete life they desire?

 

I have just gotten to the point that I have so little faith in my ability to understand men's interest and unknotting their lies, I have so little energy left to pursue anything that I have no desire left to share my life with anyone anymore.

 

Thanks for reading this, I don't even know why I am posting this...

[lavenderlove]

That's what they all say...

 

try me...what am I doing wrong?

[artsygirl78]

Take heart - reading what you have written, it sounds to me like your indifference or "screw them I'm done" attitude is covering up how you really feel, which is a deep sense of despair or grief about having your heart hurt and not having found the person that is going to stay for the long haul - otherwise maybe you wouldn't be on a site for issues in relationships/love in the middle of the night, amirite?

 

It is OK to feel this way. It is called relationship burnout. Take care of yourself, throw yourself into your life and the things you love to do. You are YOUNG. I have a circle of close friends, each one of them more fabulous than the next, and not a single one of them got married before their thirties. Two women I know did get married early only to get divorced, and remarried in their forties. I am not saying you will have to wait that long, I am just saying - it's OK. Just because you feel this way now does not mean you are going to be single forever or that a lasting, loving relationship is not going to find you.

 

Just keep being your fabulous self and the right person will be there when it is time

[lavenderlove]

Take heart - reading what you have written, it sounds to me like your indifference or "screw them I'm done" attitude is covering up how you really feel, which is a deep sense of despair or grief about having your heart hurt and not having found the person that is going to stay for the long haul - otherwise maybe you wouldn't be on a site for issues in relationships/love in the middle of the night, amirite?

 

It is OK to feel this way. It is called relationship burnout. Take care of yourself, throw yourself into your life and the things you love to do. You are YOUNG. I have a circle of close friends, each one of them more fabulous than the next, and not a single one of them got married before their thirties. Two women I know did get married early only to get divorced, and remarried in their forties. I am not saying you will have to wait that long, I am just saying - it's OK. Just because you feel this way now does not mean you are going to be single forever or that a lasting, loving relationship is not going to find you.

 

Just keep being your fabulous self and the right person will be there when it is time

 

Thanks for your kind words. I also feel a sense of relief. It's like when you stop racing. You just stop and say I can't go on anymore. You sit down, and look around yourself. You catch your breath. You accept defeat. It has its beauty. I have been thinking positively for all this time, thinking that now it's going to happen, now it's the right time, now, he is the right one. Failure after failure. I am a very strong person. I came pretty far with this. And the idea of being positive thinking love is just around the corner just doesn't hold up anymore. And this is ok with me. Somehow it makes sense. It makes me feel free.

[Dallers]

I felt like this about women as a 28 year old guy for the last year.

 

It does pass trust me, takes a while but does pass. Things are even tougher in the dating world these days. Idiots and games players seem to have doubled and normal people looking for love are few and far between.

 

This kind of attitude does make you picky, fussy and far more self defensive when it comes to giving in and going out with someone though so try to just enjoy a break rather than letting it go on for too long. A year out of the game and it is taking me a while to get back into it.

[palmbreeze]

Girl I hear ya. I'm about to give up too. There is only so much a girl can take you know. I'm not sure there are any good wholesome men out there. At this point I'm just getting more independent by the day. I've realized the only being who is going to be there for you at the end of the day is yourself and your dog. Everyone else can ignore you or walk away.

[Assasda]

You know what the world is gonna keep on doing???

Thats right...

The world is gonna keep on spinning.

 

The common denominator in all of this is you.

So sulk, improve yourself, become better people, and try again.

 

-In the grand scheme of things, your love life, to a homeless person, or an unhealthy person, is not that bad

[lavenderlove]

I felt like this about women as a 28 year old guy for the last year.

 

It does pass trust me, takes a while but does pass. Things are even tougher in the dating world these days. Idiots and games players seem to have doubled and normal people looking for love are few and far between.

 

This kind of attitude does make you picky, fussy and far more self defensive when it comes to giving in and going out with someone though so try to just enjoy a break rather than letting it go on for too long. A year out of the game and it is taking me a while to get back into it.

 

Yeah see I am not even doing any dating as such, like I am not online I usually just meet a guy through friends every now and then, and it turns into something. I think I am pretty good at sourcing out the genuine ones. The reason for my relationships going south is more to do with being ill matched. Also I find people at this age have so much baggage and things are so much harder than when we were young and unsuspecting and just simply optimistic...well, I used to be that way. It's over now.

 

I don't really care anymore. Maybe this will be a break, maybe it will just be my life. As for being in the game...I am just going to be me. every single morning I get up even if I don't plan to go anywhere I make myself look presentable to myself. I care about the people around me, I passionately pursue my career. If this, and my personality is not enough for someone to want to be with me, well, what can I do?

[lavenderlove]

Girl I hear ya. I'm about to give up too. There is only so much a girl can take you know. I'm not sure there are any good wholesome men out there. At this point I'm just getting more independent by the day. I've realized the only being who is going to be there for you at the end of the day is yourself and your dog. Everyone else can ignore you or walk away.

 

Yeah, that's it. At the end of the day you are alone. I have a cat. I am proudly turning into a cat lady.

[lavenderlove]

You know what the world is gonna keep on doing???

Thats right...

The world is gonna keep on spinning.

 

The common denominator in all of this is you.

So sulk, improve yourself, become better people, and try again.

 

-In the grand scheme of things, your love life, to a homeless person, or an unhealthy person, is not that bad

 

 

I agree with the whole thing, except the try again part. And I have been through the whole let's become the 'best possible me' after my break up last year, and now I think you know what? I am who I am with all my imperfections. Take it, or leave it.

[ascendotum]

Whats so bad about life being a series of relationships?

You call it a roller coaster. That's not so bad for some people...better than a pedestrian relationship life. It means you are alive experiencing great emotions. Yeh you get your heart broken but you also get to fall in love, again & again. You experience the honeymoon phase many times. You get to fall in love with different types of guys. Easy going surfer dude to artsy hipster programmer dude to go getter business man to a farmer, whatever. You get lots of memories of good times with each of them.

[lavenderlove]

Whats so bad about life being a series of relationships?

You call it a roller coaster. That's not so bad for some people...better than a pedestrian relationship life. It means you are alive experiencing great emotions. Yeh you get your heart broken but you also get to fall in love, again & again. You experience the honeymoon phase many times. You get to fall in love with different types of guys. Easy going surfer dude to artsy hipster programmer dude to go getter business man to a farmer, whatever. You get lots of memories of good times with each of them.

 

I imagine this kind of life may be fulfilling for some people for example my ex boyfriend who loves swapping over his partners every six or so years.

But this is not who I am. To me the honeymoon stage is great, but what interests me is when you stick with someone through thick and thin share your life and help each other grow. Thats exciting. Thats meaningful. When life challenges you with all the boring everyday stuff, and the bigger problems. To be there for someone and to know that that person will be there for you. Thats beautiful.

I had about ten boyfriends not counting affairs. If I lined them up, I would get the weirdest assortment of people. I don't have types. I appreciate each as an individual. The whole thing seems so meaningless. All the fun, all the heartache, all the beautiful and ugly moments... I gave it a shot each and every time. A real one, an honest one. I got up after each fall, brushed myself off, and said hey, chin up keep going, don't give up.

Well, I am over it.

[Potz4prez]

Well, I am over it.

 

Somehow I feel like in a few months.. years.. whatever, you'll meet someone, and this thread will seem just as ridiculous as your middle school journal ramblings. Cheer up. Have fun while you're single

[Ninjainpajamas]

So what did Edgar Allan Poe say to you?

Edited June 28, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[lavenderlove]

Somehow I feel like in a few months.. years.. whatever, you'll meet someone, and this thread will seem just as ridiculous as your middle school journal ramblings. Cheer up. Have fun while you're single

 

Thanks, that is sweet. The funny thing is that my ramblings are usually about (especially the high school ones )how life is amazing regardless. I think this is the first time in my life I simply give it up all together and let go of being so strong and optimistic etc It feels refreshing.

 

I will have fun being single. There are a few things I have been putting off I really shouldn't anymore.

 

First of all, I will go to sleep now, with my cat purring in my arms, because on this part of the Southern Hemisphere it is getting late.

 

Thanks for all the people who posted on this thread, it was great reading all your thoughts:)

[haribogumsnickers]

Before you completely give up, are you free for some Subway today? Your treat though btw.

 

Smile and smile some more. Don't ever give up just give in to the temporary current bad streak you're on. It happens and it will pass. Just don't think about too much. It sucks but what can you do when some guys are just f-holes who are killjoys. He's out there just not at Subway.

[lavenderlove]

So what did Edgar Allan Poe say to you?

 

There you are! Did you read my last reply to my previous thread?

 

You didn't answer me when I asked you why you thought he is not into me, so unfortunately you can't really claim the good old "I told you so!" HAHA

( "his behaviour'' doesn't classify as an answer, it was more like a smart ass comment.)

 

Not that it matters...

[Ninjainpajamas]

There you are! Did you read my last reply to my previous thread?

 

You didn't answer me when I asked you why you thought he is not into me, so unfortunately you can't really claim the good old "I told you so!" HAHA

( "his behaviour'' doesn't classify as an answer, it was more like a smart ass comment.)

 

Not that it matters...

 

 

Did now...

 

Wasn't going to waste my time, you wouldn't believe it anyway until he proved it to you but for me his behavior was saying it all, so it was just a matter of time of him proving me right and that's the only way you'd truly be convinced, or by small chance I was wrong...but you asked a question that I didn't really think you'd listen or consider my answer since you seemed so eager and self-convinced in your first post, no matter what I said...whenever I explain something in detail people tend to get side-tracked by the wrong details anyway or just insist on their own beliefs, I could explain to you everything in great detail but all the guy has to do in your life is say one little half-convincing word or not even that, behave in a particular way that you interpret as positive and you're sold on him, it's that easy...but if you were any smart you'd look at my posting history and you would see that there are plenty of long-winded posts by me, I'm not any new at this and your guy was no different to me...so in this situation I just called it and simply didn't want to expend the energy on explaining it to you.

 

The only thing that surprised me was how quickly and immediately it happened, which made me think you might even be making this up...but it doesn't really matter either way, there's so many people experiencing the same exact situations and scenarios, hopefully there's a chance they'll learn from each other and think about the advice...but there's plenty of it already out there, even though everyone thinks the details of their relationship makes it somehow different.

[Scorpio Chick]

Lavenderlove makes very valid points, and let's not forget, she's making them in the year 2014, when easy, casual sex is thrown up in everyone's faces 24/7.

 

I haven't met one married person, man or woman, who didn't state this: I'm SO glad I'm married, I would not want to be 'out there' the way things are now.'

 

There's a lot of truth and cynicism in this, but it's not unwarranted. I'm a female and for the first time in my life, I'm right at the line that Lavenderlove is at. I'm tired of the hypocrisy, from men AND women. I'm two months in of no contact with a guy I went to high school with who I always thought was a very decent guy. I was wrong and after years of knowing him, we engaged in a steamy EA. It shocked me to the core that he would do this. He's been married for 26 years.

 

I am of the belief that 99% of men cheat in some fashion or other. I've been on dates and suffice it to say, it's kind of dismal out there.

 

Anyway, Lavenderlove, I seriously doubt it is you. It's the culture nowadays and it's definitely a man's world (always has been, but now it's worse) and women have now trained men to behave badly in one way or the other towards us.

[kodakgirl]

I can relate so well to everything you've posted. I'm 26 and haven't had close to the string of relationships you have but other than that I could have been writing the same thing (especially last night.... if you didn't say you were in the Southern Hemisphere I'd almost think I was the one who actually wrote it! ). I've always had a lot of hope and optimism about the prospect of love in my life, at least deep down, but at a certain point it starts to feel like a delusion. I've worked so hard on myself as a person, both for myself and for the person I want (or the idea of them, anyway). I've come really far, I'm happy with my life, I offer as much as I possibly can. Of course I am not perfect and I feel you should never stop trying to grow but there's a point where it starts to plateau. Something isn't working, but I don't feel most of it is because of me, even being the kind of person who easily blames herself. I don't know if it's the contexts of my life or society generally or just luck, but there's something more than me that I can't affect. I'm tired of the emotional exhaustion of trying to overcome it, especially when I have other, more important battles in my life. At the same time.... I love love. I love the feeling of loving. I love that love exists. It really feels unfair that I'm the one who might have to give up on it when so many other people have it and take it for granted. On the one hand I wish I could really give up and feel free of wanting it, really feel complete without it, and maybe be struck by it when I least expect it. On the other hand, I'm not a person who gives up, not even on hoping, even when the backlash of the hope is constant disappointment. I try to just set it aside and fill my life up with other things, and for the most part I do, but it's always there and I don't see how it ever can't be. I want to love and I want to be loved, and not just by my parents and my cats.

 

So, well.... I don't have anything really encouraging or constructive to say, but you aren't alone in your feelings. I really hope that in a few months you, or any of the others who are relating, are able to come back and say, "so I was totally wrong to give up, guys!!" Or else "gee I'm happier this way!" It's got to be one or the other, right?

[FitChick]

It sounds like you aren't very choosy and get involved quickly with almost any man who asks you out, instead of stepping back and asking yourself what they could bring to your life. I have a feeling you stay with guys you know aren't suitable for far too long.

 

As someone said, the common denominator is you. You need to find out what you believe about yourself, men, relationships, life that has you acting and attracting in prescribed ways. Only then will things change. Read my signature line.

[FitChick]

Ninja, I think you should enlighten people who didn't read her other thread where you predicted the outcome based on his behavior. What should her ex have done that would have created a different, positive outcome? Some women need to know which signs to look for instead of indulging in fantasy and wishful thinking.

[lavenderlove]

Did now...

 

Wasn't going to waste my time, you wouldn't believe it anyway until he proved it to you but for me his behavior was saying it all, so it was just a matter of time of him proving me right and that's the only way you'd truly be convinced, or by small chance I was wrong...but you asked a question that I didn't really think you'd listen or consider my answer since you seemed so eager and self-convinced in your first post, no matter what I said...whenever I explain something in detail people tend to get side-tracked by the wrong details anyway or just insist on their own beliefs, I could explain to you everything in great detail but all the guy has to do in your life is say one little half-convincing word or not even that, behave in a particular way that you interpret as positive and you're sold on him, it's that easy...but if you were any smart you'd look at my posting history and you would see that there are plenty of long-winded posts by me, I'm not any new at this and your guy was no different to me...so in this situation I just called it and simply didn't want to expend the energy on explaining it to you.

 

The only thing that surprised me was how quickly and immediately it happened, which made me think you might even be making this up...but it doesn't really matter either way, there's so many people experiencing the same exact situations and scenarios, hopefully there's a chance they'll learn from each other and think about the advice...but there's plenty of it already out there, even though everyone thinks the details of their relationship makes it somehow different.

 

Well, I asked you genuinely back then, why else am I on this site but to actually engage with people and learn how they see things. The way you dropped your one liner, as well as this ramble about your advices etc doesn't make me think that you care to share...

 

So prove me otherwise, and give us your reasons of why you thought he is not into me.

[mattny]

No decent genuine guys around yet the one writing this works his tail off, has goals and a steady career, good looking and fit, works out every chance he gets is still single lol. Opposite ends of the world are we?

 

Ive found a lot of women in NY to be extremely shallow. Even ones who come across as independent, have great careers and cook/have their own place/work out, all complain "NY men are douchebags, my bf will be lucky to have me". But when I step up to the plate and throw some witty banter at them and say hey, lets get coffee tomorrow evening and chat, I get silence. They complain about only finding d-bags yet half of their friends list ARE d-bags!!!

 

Im almost in the same boat as you...bout ready to pack it up. My career in a few years will be fetching me in the 200k range and Id rather put away for my own retirement, have a condo and buy an old Porsche than go on meaningless dates and try to figure out wether they like me for the genuine person I am or just after my ends.

 

Ive had several short flings and two LTRs (1.8 years and 4 years), and you know what, at 31 Im happy with what Ive learned in life so far about love. If it doesnt come around for me again, I can rest content knowing that I made a few women very happy to call me their own.

[lavenderlove]

No decent genuine guys around yet the one writing this works his tail off, has goals and a steady career, good looking and fit, works out every chance he gets is still single lol. Opposite ends of the world are we?

 

Ive found a lot of women in NY to be extremely shallow. Even ones who come across as independent, have great careers and cook/have their own place/work out, all complain "NY men are douchebags, my bf will be lucky to have me". But when I step up to the plate and throw some witty banter at them and say hey, lets get coffee tomorrow evening and chat, I get silence. They complain about only finding d-bags yet half of their friends list ARE d-bags!!!

 

Im almost in the same boat as you...bout ready to pack it up. My career in a few years will be fetching me in the 200k range and Id rather put away for my own retirement, have a condo and buy an old Porsche than go on meaningless dates and try to figure out wether they like me for the genuine person I am or just after my ends.

 

Ive had several short flings and two LTRs (1.8 years and 4 years), and you know what, at 31 Im happy with what Ive learned in life so far about love. If it doesnt come around for me again, I can rest content knowing that I made a few women very happy to call me their own.

 

The old Porsche sounds like a fab idea. I have a vintage car myself...a real Japanese beauty.

 

I guess I can say that my intentions were always pure, I was open and honest, never lied or cheated, never took people on a ride for the sake of my own satisfaction. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't feel so down right now. I would feel like hey, what goes around comes around, but this just doesn't make sense to me anymore.

 

So yes, there is not much left to be done.