forever_lost Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I've posted a couple times on this forum over the past seven months or so, and the community here has been good to me. I appreciate that. I'd like to share the lessons I've learned, because from what I have seen I don't feel like it's said enough, or even believed by many. I dated my love for 2.5 years, and lived with her for over two. I moved away last year after college, and my commitment to her was rewarded with her breaking up with me over the phone a month afterwards. Lost, confused, and hurt, I begged for her back, pleaded with her with pestering phone calls, only to alienate her further until I finally went cold NC. I slowly healed, started dating other people, and moved on with my life, but not from her. No, she was still as much a part of me as she was the day she dumped me. Dinner with a mutual friend tonight confirmed what I already knew: she had dated other people. She had slept with other people. She was getting rid of the possessions we jointly owned - the gifts I gave her, the clothes of mine I left with her that she enjoyed, the cat we shared. I expected this for a long time, and braced myself for the waterworks and the heartbreak. But, while sad, I didn't feel anything but just a feeling of sadness. I wasn't crying, I wasn't lamenting, I wasn't breaking down. My friend showed me a picture of her, and I paused for a moment, admiring and reminiscing the woman that was no longer with me. It was okay, and I'm writing this with a tinge of sadness, but no regret. But contrary to many of my fellow dumpees' experiences, I'm not "over" her, per se. I haven't moved on, but I am not jealous of the new men in her life. I am only sad that we are no longer together. I still love her, as much as I did when I started loving her, and she means as much to me as she always had. I am, however, not intent on winning her back. My love no longer has a condition that she love me in return, nor that she even acknowledge or appreciate my love. My love is built on my own affection for her, and the only condition I have is that she respects me as human being, which she is doing. Her dating other people is her own choice, her own decision. Her wanting to end things with me is her own decision as well, as is my choosing to still love her. If we were to end up together, I would welcome it, but it is no longer something that I wish to force - not only because it was wrong to try and do so in the first place, but because that is the only way it can possibly succeed, it it can ever do so. It is mostly because, however, that that is the only way to truly live happily while still having the feelings that I have. By loving her unconditionally, I have been able to keep true to my own emotions, while letting her live her life. I will continue to find my own happiness with others and independent of her, but that does not mean lying to myself and shutting her out of my life. I will continue to love her in my own heart, allowing me to feel the happiness and sadness of memories and come to terms with the realities of the situation, but that is the extent to which I have expressed my love in the past few months. We lead our own lives, connected only through the past, and have a human relationship independent of expectations from the other. It took me a while to realize this, and I don't blame anyone who thinks that it won't work for them or are insistent on permanent fixes and a strict "moving on" policy. I would, however, like to cite my anecdotal experiences of being able to think about her, vividly, lovingly, without breaking down mentally. My life is pretty frickin' awesome now without her, and it was only thanks to our split that I've been able to do some of things that I most enjoy now. But my realization and decision to love her unconditionally has been what has helped me the most. Maybe I will eventually fall out of love with her, and that might be great. But the important thing I feel I have learned is how to still love, miss, long for someone with all my heart, and yet not let that consume me for anything longer than a brief heartbeat. Coincidentally, she emailed me earlier today asking to send my stuff she still had back to me. I had just emailed her tonight, in a separate email (not having seen her first one), asking for the same thing. I felt nothing but sadness - which I smile about now. Months ago, I would've responded with tears, a mental breakdown, a determination to move on, or a search for answers. Now, I respond with an acceptance of my feelings, and a shrug. C'est la vie, and my life is excellent nonetheless. Would love to hear others' thoughts on this. Cheers, my homies.
emotionalMess Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I think true unconditional love can only come after you dont have romantic feelings. Unrequited love does not allow you to truly move on and leaving yourself as an option signifies low self-worth or low self-esteem. I believe in practicing forgiveness. From google: Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of what she did to you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing what she did to you. Forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from accountability. Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.
emotionalMess Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I like this quote: "The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away" - Alysia Harris 1
Author forever_lost Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 I think true unconditional love can only come after you dont have romantic feelings. Unrequited love does not allow you to truly move on and leaving yourself as an option signifies low self-worth or low self-esteem. What you wrote about forgiveness was nice to read, but I'm not really blaming anyone. I understand why she broke up with me, I don't deny that she hurt me, but I don't hold any negative feelings towards her - I never really have. Though I may be misunderstanding your point there - I feel like I am. Apologies if so. I think it's interesting that you say that true unconditional love requires a lack of romantic feeling. Is it still love then, in your mind? Personally, I don't feel like I'm saying that whenever she comes back I will be absolutely willing to get back in a relationship with her (that is actually nowhere near the truth, though I understand in my post I may have made it sound that way), but I don't think I consider doing so signifying low self-worth or self-esteem. I actually dislike that way of thinking, because it makes the dumpee feel worse that s/he is feeling what s/he naturally feels. To me, it feels like dumpees should be proud to feel whatever they feel. Sure, buck up, move on, progress, etc., but geez, you loved someone! Respect that love, IMHO. Sure, it may make you sad, hurt, and confused, but I feel like if you value something like love, it deserves to at least not be shunned in favor of recovery. I don't know - that response became more ranting than I intended, but I feel like I liked the points I made, so I'm going to leave them as is and clarify on demand.
smuggy95 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) I had a friend who thought just like you, and I would have followed the same path except I saw what happened to this friend. (who is smart, beautiful, a good soul) Her words were even prettier than yours, she even wrote to him. She loved, for love's sake. For the sake of the truth that was in her heart (I'm remembering very roughly). Basically the same thing you said. She needed no return, nothing. He was already dating other girls and she knew it all. She went on dates here and there, and he said he understood why but that he hoped she wouldn't like any of them. She supported him through a very bad illness. She did meet some guys, some liked her, some she liked, but nothing really clicked. She had an accident, broke some bones. He did not support her. But that's ok, because she loved him for love's sake and not for anything in return. And eventually one day her ex told her he loved her back. Right before (two weeks) he got engaged to a much younger woman. And it all came to an abrupt end. Because he was married, he had someone else to support him and be there for him. It was inappropriate for my friend to continue. And so even her 'love for the sake of love' thing had to stop. I don't care what happened on his end, but for 6 years she did not truly move on (who knows how her feelings for him affected this) and now she regrets it. The more you invest in something, the harder it is to let go, even if you know you're supposed to let go. Invest instead, for your future family. Acknowledge your connection with this person, and yes, maybe remain friends or whatnot. But one sided love is never worth it. I know it's noble in stories to give more than to take, but in this situation you will only hurt your future and she has other sources to help her. She doesn't need you. So give, invest, only as much as she is investing in you. Edited June 28, 2014 by smuggy4 1
Recommended Posts