Regret closure email letter [update]

[dumbass2]

We saw each other or talked/text every day for over 5 months and got along great and said we bothed loved each other a number of times. Both in our 40's. She married young for 20 years and divorced cheating husband and went right into another relationship that ended a month before I met her.

 

She broke up with me a few months ago saying she felt guilty and didn't want to waste my time and that I gave soo much and she wasn't ready for a commitment. I was ok with what we were doing, but she was very insecure and kept thinking I would move on at some point. She seemed to be trying to sabatoge the realtionship at points along the way. I accepted the break up well and she asked when I got my cloths if I was seeing someone and it was a no, I never saw anyone else while we were intimate with each other. She stayed in contact and I would reply, but I never intitiated anything until I got advice to send my email letter. I sense that before my email, that she may not have ment it.

 

I truly regret it because it was too early and I was not thinking with a clear head. She took over three weeks to respond and took it at as though I was moving on and done with her for good, though it was a nice email saying how much I loved her and enjoyed her company and we had things we both needed to work on, but that I was moving forward. Her email seemed like closure for herself.

 

I just sent her a hand written letter regretting my email and that it was sent with poor advice and me with too much going on and not thinking with a clear head. I asked to get together and talk and asked for a response and that she could tell me to F off and I will not even try to contact her ever again. I don't think she wanted to, but my ill advised email seemed to close the door.

 

Can I expect a response at some point, positive or negative and what if she doesn't respond over the next few weeks? I know I should move on anyway, but I do regret how it ended with my email and communication on both ends was pretty confusing. I feel like I might want to try and call her if no response after 3-4 weeks, but I'm also feeling like I should just try to move on and try to forget her. Whatever the real reason, she did break up with me after all, but now thinking with a clear head, I do still love her.

Edited June 28, 2014 by dumbass2

[leavesonautumn]

Move on and forget her. Any further contact will just be breadcrumbs unless she is pounding on your door and begging you back. She said she didn't want to waste your time, I'm sorry to be brutally honest but this means that she knew how much you cared for her but she could not give you the same in return.

[dumbass2]

Yeh, I know I should and I'm sure I'll be better maybe a few more weeks or months down the road with no contact, but it sure hurts like hell. I've never been through something this confusing. She wasn't wasting my time and I had shown her that before when we talked awhile back. I may be in denial, but I still think it was a test and she didn't mean it until she read that I was moving forward. Not sure what would have happened if I just didn't send it, but at least our door would be open. I'm pretty sure that she took my actions as though I was done when all along I was just trying to think things through while letting her figure some things out as well. Really too bad because we got a long so well and we both had nothing but great things to say in our letters. Even though she said nice things in hers, I think she may be a little bitter that I sent mine, which is why I regret it and know now that I shouldn't have or at least waited months down the road.

[lovebug_5858]

I know that you miss her and want her back but your best bet is to leave her alone and let her think on her own.

No matter what, you want someone who will love you and appreciate you the way that you do them and right now she seems to be unwilling to give you that.

Give her time and in that time, try to move on, make yourself better, fall in love with yourself and if she comes with honest intentions, great but if not, it'll be fine... you'll be on your way to moving past her.

[dumbass2]

I'm working on that, but I guess I am hoping for some type of reply, even if it is to just move on. In my hand written letter, which I'm sure she has read by now, I do give an opening and apologize for my email. I just hate that it seems like the door got shut and she didn't really want to shut it until she got my stupid email. If you were her, would you at least respond to let me know to move on and not contact her again or would you just crumple it up and throw it away and ignore me? If I don't get a response and weeks down the road I'm still feeling the same, I might have the urge to try and call her. I feel that way now, but I know I need to hold off and my feelings may change for good in a few weeks. I have been trying to date.

[lovebug_5858]

If she is not replying back take that as a reply, a reply that she does not care for your feelings.

My ex has recently contacted me but he was merely asking to borrow something of mine (this being after he asked for NC and told me he had lost feelings and felt it best to move on) so I did not reply. Because for me, he is unworthy right now.

Because you have been honest with your intentions and seem truthful I would most definitely reply to you no matter what I had to say...

but not all women or men are alike. I find peace in knowing I did all I could and if that was not enough for him, then he is not the one for me.

Sometimes that is all the closure we can give ourselves.

[Simon Phoenix]

While the original e-mail wasn't smart, the followup letter was probably the worst move. Completely needy and weak and probably made her feel even more uncomfortable. While what you did initially wasn't advised, the second letter was absolutely tragic. Please don't triple down and try to contact her again. You've made your statement -- you need to back off and let her process it in her own way on her own time. And in the process, you need to get yourself back and under control. No more communication, no more meddling.

[dumbass2]

I totally messed up with the email and letter, but I sent the letter (handwritten) because I felt I had nothing to lose. She had sent her email based on my email and that email was all wrong and hers appeared to be closed ended. I've never handle something like this before and I guess I was trying to do damage control and did get advice on both communications. I felt I at least needed to do the letter for myself because I so regretted the email, couldn't function at all and realized I will always regret it. My letter was apologetic and remorseful and I realize the needy part was asking for a response, just so she would know that I would respect her wishes and not contact her again if that's what she wants after reading my letter. I have not been pestering her at all, but yes, I am having a hard time letting go of this, only because the way everything has gone down. I'm hoping another 2-3 weeks and I'll be ok, it's just that I just sent the letter and now I have to try and start to heal once again. My own fault and I do want the best for her. I've learned a lot.

[dumbass2]

If she is not replying back take that as a reply, a reply that she does not care for your feelings.

My ex has recently contacted me but he was merely asking to borrow something of mine (this being after he asked for NC and told me he had lost feelings and felt it best to move on) so I did not reply. Because for me, he is unworthy right now.

Because you have been honest with your intentions and seem truthful I would most definitely reply to you no matter what I had to say...

but not all women or men are alike. I find peace in knowing I did all I could and if that was not enough for him, then he is not the one for me.

Sometimes that is all the closure we can give ourselves.

 

So you said if you were her, you would reply. I know I can't expect that, but if you were to reply, would you do it right away or would you take a little time to process it and see what you wanted to do after reading it? It's been 3-4 days now since I think she read it.

Thanks

[Itspointless]

I may be in denial, but I still think it was a test and she didn't mean it until she read that I was moving forward. Not sure what would have happened if I just didn't send it, but at least our door would be open.

If it was a test, that would mean a long road, with never being sure if you are good enough for the next round. With her relations it sounds like she has some soul-searching to do, get a better grip of who she is. If her head is in the past than you can pass all test of the world, but it wouldn't mean anything as she will bring her fear with her any time anywhere. I think you deserve better than that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I totally messed up with the email and letter, but I sent the letter (handwritten) because I felt I had nothing to lose. She had sent her email based on my email and that email was all wrong and hers appeared to be closed ended. I've never handle something like this before and I guess I was trying to do damage control and did get advice on both communications. I felt I at least needed to do the letter for myself because I so regretted the email, couldn't function at all and realized I will always regret it. My letter was apologetic and remorseful and I realize the needy part was asking for a response, just so she would know that I would respect her wishes and not contact her again if that's what she wants after reading my letter. I have not been pestering her at all, but yes, I am having a hard time letting go of this, only because the way everything has gone down. I'm hoping another 2-3 weeks and I'll be ok, it's just that I just sent the letter and now I have to try and start to heal once again. My own fault and I do want the best for her. I've learned a lot.

 

You did have something to lose, your dignity. And telling someone you won't contact them again when you've contacted them again after writing what was supposed to be a closure letter rings hollow. She doesn't believe you and she's justified in that belief -- here you are plotting to get a hold of her again.

 

You made a bad bet with the original e-mail. For whatever reason you decided to double down with the letter. Now is time to walk away from the table. Don't tell her you are doing it, just do it.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

SHE shut the door when she broke it off. You've done all you can do...let go now.

 

 

And if the universe wants her back, she will come back. Stop controlling something in which you have no control.

[dumbass2]

You did have something to lose, your dignity. And telling someone you won't contact them again when you've contacted them again after writing what was supposed to be a closure letter rings hollow. She doesn't believe you and she's justified in that belief -- here you are plotting to get a hold of her again.

 

You made a bad bet with the original e-mail. For whatever reason you decided to double down with the letter. Now is time to walk away from the table. Don't tell her you are doing it, just do it.

 

I do hear you and I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me and say everything will be ok. My inititated contact with her the last 2-1/2 months has only been my email and letter. My email was confusing and she took the moving forward part wrong. That's what can happen in a written email. I told her in my letter it was taking all that I've learned about myself the last few months and making me a better person going forward. She took it as I was just looking to move on and find someone else right away. That's what I did not mean. I was open ended and it was not a ment as closure, but again, because of how she mentioned it in her response back and said I deserved the best, she took the moving forward all wrong which is what I regret. I was not thinking that.

 

You are right. She may not believe me, but my letter was not needy other than asking for a response (which I know..is needy). I did not tell her I wanted to go back to the way things were or anything like that. I thought all along that we needed to talk and that is all I was asking for. I'm pretty sure she is moving on (she did make things harder by keeping in contact), but I did need to tell her what I did in the letter, at least for me. I was honest and sincere in what I said and it was not confusing like my email and I kept it pretty short and on point. I took my time to respond and sat on it for a few days. It was not mushy at all and I did not grovel.

 

Pretty soon I'll get tired of talking about it and move on for good. I know it will take some more time, unless I hear back, which as the days pass, i'm not counting on. Thanks and I do appreciate your responses.

Edited June 28, 2014 by dumbass2

[Simon Phoenix]

I do hear you and I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me and say everything will be ok. My inititated contact with her the last 2-1/2 months has only been my email and letter. My email was confusing and she took the moving forward part wrong. That's what can happen in a written email. I told her in my letter it was taking all that I've learned about myself the last few months and making me a better person going forward. She took it as I was just looking to move on and find someone else right away. That's what I did not mean. I was open ended and it was not a ment as closure, but again, because of how she mentioned it in her response back and said I deserved the best, she took the moving forward all wrong which is what I regret. I was not thinking that.

 

Who the f--k cares? She broke up with you, it's not up to you to keep the door open. You should be moving on and she has no right or no say to be upset about it and tell you otherwise. She might have been mad at first, but she would have respected you more over time if you actually stuck to your guns. She loses all say in your life the moment she breaks up with you and you shouldn't be sniveling and cowtowing to a woman who cut you loose.

 

You are right. She may not believe me, but my letter was not needy other than asking for a response (which I know..is needy). I did not tell her I wanted to go back to the way things were or anything like that. I thought all along that we needed to talk and that is all I was asking for. I'm pretty sure she is moving on (she did make things harder by keeping in contact), but I did need to tell her what I did in the letter, at least for me. I was honest and sincere in what I said and it was not confusing like my email and I kept it pretty short and on point. I took my time to respond and sat on it for a few days. It was not mushy at all and I did not grovel.

 

The act of writing the letter itself is needy as is going to be perceived as such no matter what you write. You could have written "I am not needy" 50 times and made that your entire letter and it would have come off as needy. Any needy thing you write in the letter is just sugar on top. And you are contradicting yourself by saying that you weren't needy in your email and than in the same breath saying that you "needed" to tell her things. You did not need to tell her a thing -- people need to earn the right to hear your inner thoughts. Don't give those away for free to people who have decided to let you go.

 

There's nothing wrong with writing letters. They can be therapeutic. But sending them is an awful idea. It's best to keep thoughts to yourself -- if they are interested, they'll ask.

 

Pretty soon I'll get tired of talking about it and move on for good. I know it will take some more time, unless I hear back, which as the days pass, i'm not counting on. I am going on a date Sunday.

 

Nothing wrong with talking about it. Feel free to talk about it on here as much as you want -- that's why this site exists. Just stop hoping she will bail you out emotionally. You can't get closure from the person who caused the inner conflict in the first place. And I'm not sure you should be dating right now -- you are still pining for your ex-girlfriend to respond to a letter. I'd hold off on the dating right now -- all you are doing is sweeping things under the rug. I know because I've tried this (more with random hookups instead of dates, but same general concept). Didn't do anything but make me more sad. I didn't really start making good progress until I took a break from all of that and dealt with my own s--t.

 

I realize I sound harsh, but you seem to be in this fog of denial and bargaining. And that won't help either.

[dumbass2]

Who the f--k cares? She broke up with you, it's not up to you to keep the door open. You should be moving on and she has no right or no say to be upset about it and tell you otherwise. She might have been mad at first, but she would have respected you more over time if you actually stuck to your guns. She loses all say in your life the moment she breaks up with you and you shouldn't be sniveling and cowtowing to a woman who cut you loose.

 

 

 

The act of writing the letter itself is needy as is going to be perceived as such no matter what you write. You could have written "I am not needy" 50 times and made that your entire letter and it would have come off as needy. Any needy thing you write in the letter is just sugar on top. And you are contradicting yourself by saying that you weren't needy in your email and than in the same breath saying that you "needed" to tell her things. You did not need to tell her a thing -- people need to earn the right to hear your inner thoughts. Don't give those away for free to people who have decided to let you go.

 

There's nothing wrong with writing letters. They can be therapeutic. But sending them is an awful idea. It's best to keep thoughts to yourself -- if they are interested, they'll ask.

 

 

 

Nothing wrong with talking about it. Feel free to talk about it on here as much as you want -- that's why this site exists. Just stop hoping she will bail you out emotionally. You can't get closure from the person who caused the inner conflict in the first place. And I'm not sure you should be dating right now -- you are still pining for your ex-girlfriend to respond to a letter. I'd hold off on the dating right now -- all you are doing is sweeping things under the rug. I know because I've tried this (more with random hookups instead of dates, but same general concept). Didn't do anything but make me more sad. I didn't really start making good progress until I took a break from all of that and dealt with my own s--t.

 

I realize I sound harsh, but you seem to be in this fog of denial and bargaining. And that won't help either.

 

God I wish i had come on here first before I gave up control. You are right, I'm not in a good frame of mind (too soon after my letter) and need to take a break from women for at least a few weeks. I need to go back and write down the cons of the relationship again. That gave me strength right after the break up and over the next 3 weeks. I deserve better than this and the sooner I realize this the better I'll be, but I am in denial at this stage.

Thanks

[Simon Phoenix]

God I wish i had come on here first before I gave up control. You are right, I'm not in a good frame of mind (too soon after my letter) and need to take a break from women for at least a few weeks. I need to go back and write down the cons of the relationship again. That gave me strength right after the break up and over the next 3 weeks. I deserve better than this and the sooner I realize this the better I'll be, but I am in denial at this stage.

Thanks

 

No problem. This process sucks and we all screw up doing it because our heart and brain are pulling us in different directions. You can't change what's happened -- just learn and grow from it. You do that, you'll be fine in time.

[dumbass2]

I still hold out hope that she will contact me again soon. Maybe after another week or so I will be able to move on, but I would think that she would respond some way to me. When I mailed it, I didn't think I would get a response, but right now I am hoping for something. i know it may not come. It sucks because neither one of us is seeing anybody else and it is harder at our age to find someone that you have so much in common with and enjoy each others company so much. Sure, we weren't perfect for each other, but there was definately a lot there on both sides.

[lovebug_5858]

So you said if you were her, you would reply. I know I can't expect that, but if you were to reply, would you do it right away or would you take a little time to process it and see what you wanted to do after reading it? It's been 3-4 days now since I think she read it.

Thanks

 

I am a bit impulsive so I would reply right away... but that doesn't mean she thinks the way I do. When she is ready she will reply, don't wait for it. It may not come at all.

[lovebug_5858]

I still hold out hope that she will contact me again soon. Maybe after another week or so I will be able to move on, but I would think that she would respond some way to me. When I mailed it, I didn't think I would get a response, but right now I am hoping for something. i know it may not come. It sucks because neither one of us is seeing anybody else and it is harder at our age to find someone that you have so much in common with and enjoy each others company so much. Sure, we weren't perfect for each other, but there was definately a lot there on both sides.

 

I feel the same way about my ex, I still have hope he will contact me (for better reasons than last) but the truth of the matter is that they very well may not. We can't sit around and wait for them, no matter what we will end up hurt....

[sugarlove]

I don't think age really matters with this. If you have met someone special, once that person is gone, you will feel a loss, that you might never get anyone better than him or her. But that is just your fear speaking to you, I totally understand how you feel. I've written my ex (dear me) more than 3 letters, each sounding completely fickle minded about the break up. Now I realised emotions change day to day, what I was insecure about today might not be that bad tomorrow. So, take this as a lesson well learnt.

 

I realised now that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to even write anything down and should have cleared my head first before making me look like a completely psycho ex to him. But you know what, doesn't matter who advise you, if you had wanted to send a letter, no one else can convince you otherwise. Most people come on here for validation because they wanted support for their erratic decision, if 9 out of 10 people said no, they will listen to the only 1 person that said go ahead. The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

It's not your fault, you did what you could. If she does value you in her life, she will have understand the loss of control, that you weren't your normal self. If someone truly loves you, nothing will stand in their way to come back to you, letters or no letters. The only thing you can do now is to give her time.

 

I am in the same shoes as her and have pushed away my ex to the point he gave up completely. She must have felt bad about the whole thing and might have shut down to protect her feelings. Give her space, if she loves you and wants you back, she will let you know. But in the meantime, go live your life because obsessing over your past actions only stalls your healing.

[lovebug_5858]

I don't think age really matters with this. If you have met someone special, once that person is gone, you will feel a loss, that you might never get anyone better than him or her. But that is just your fear speaking to you, I totally understand how you feel. I've written my ex (dear me) more than 3 letters, each sounding completely fickle minded about the break up. Now I realised emotions change day to day, what I was insecure about today might not be that bad tomorrow. So, take this as a lesson well learnt.

 

I realised now that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to even write anything down and should have cleared my head first before making me look like a completely psycho ex to him. But you know what, doesn't matter who advise you, if you had wanted to send a letter, no one else can convince you otherwise. Most people come on here for validation because they wanted support for their erratic decision, if 9 out of 10 people said no, they will listen to the only 1 person that said go ahead. The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

It's not your fault, you did what you could. If she does value you in her life, she will have understand the loss of control, that you weren't your normal self. If someone truly loves you, nothing will stand in their way to come back to you, letters or no letters. The only thing you can do now is to give her time.

 

I am in the same shoes as her and have pushed away my ex to the point he gave up completely. She must have felt bad about the whole thing and might have shut down to protect her feelings. Give her space, if she loves you and wants you back, she will let you know. But in the meantime, go live your life because obsessing over your past actions only stalls your healing.

I agree with this 100%. Very well written!

you are so right about how we write things or say things when we are in no frame of mind to do so!

[dumbass2]

I feel the same way about my ex, I still have hope he will contact me (for better reasons than last) but the truth of the matter is that they very well may not. We can't sit around and wait for them, no matter what we will end up hurt....

 

You of course are right. My letter set me back in the healing process, but I still felt I needed to do it. I was handling everything so well right after the break up for the first month, but she kept contacting me, then I send my ill-concieved email and then get her response and bam! I do love her and truly didn't want to make her end up hating me, but I may have done so with my last 2 communications. I think neither of us wanted to hurt each other at all. We cared so much for each other. I will not try and contact her again. I may still need to talk about it a little longer though. I thought real hard about it and because I do still care so much for her, it is just wrong for me at this point to hold out hope and any further contact would just drive her further away. I'm not sure it would have worked in the long term anyway, but I think she has amazing qualities, though not perfect, none of us are. like I said, a little more time of no contact and getting busy with other stuff in my life will help ease the pain. If she really felt guilty about wasting my time, I really wish she had not continued to communicate with me afterwards with mixed signals. I think it helped put me where I'm at today with my emotions. Live and learn.

Edited June 30, 2014 by dumbass2

[sugarlove]

5 months is hardly time wasted, it was good while it lasted, though it ran its course. Each breakup is a lesson so we can be better for someone else. Onwards and upwards!!

[dumbass2]

5 months is hardly time wasted, it was good while it lasted, though it ran its course. Each breakup is a lesson so we can be better for someone else. Onwards and upwards!!

 

 

Yes! Agree 100%. I do not feel it was waste at all and neither did she. They are fantastis memories and if it's not not ment to be long term, then it's not ment to be, but that doesn't change what we shared. I am so thankful for the time I had with her. We got along so well, experienced magificent times together and enjoyed each others company so much and that is what I will always remember. I do want to find that with someone else and take what I have learned to make myself a better person in a relationship. I want to continue to live my life that way and experience new things. I hope she finds all the happiness in the world as well. I wish only the best for her.

[lovebug_5858]

You of course are right. My letter set me back in the healing process, but I still felt I needed to do it. I was handling everything so well right after the break up for the first month, but she kept contacting me, then I send my ill-concieved email and then get her response and bam! I do love her and truly didn't want to make her end up hating me, but I may have done so with my last 2 communications. I think neither of us wanted to hurt each other at all. We cared so much for each other. I will not try and contact her again. I may still need to talk about it a little longer though. I thought real hard about it and because I do still care so much for her, it is just wrong for me at this point to hold out hope and any further contact would just drive her further away. I'm not sure it would have worked in the long term anyway, but I think she has amazing qualities, though not perfect, none of us are. like I said, a little more time of no contact and getting busy with other stuff in my life will help ease the pain. If she really felt guilty about wasting my time, I really wish she had not continued to communicate with me afterwards with mixed signals. I think it helped put me where I'm at today with my emotions. Live and learn.

Its definitely okay to feel this way. You will feel up and down, and right and wrong all in one day! Heck, all in one hour! It's crazy, really. But talk about it, ask your questions to anyone willing to listen. I know I did, and I still do, ask myself so many things. And I think about him a lot, not nearly as much as I used to but I do. It's inevitable, but so is healing. You will heal, all in your own time, I promise.

My ex and I originally broke up March of last year, I did no contact (although I didn't know it) for the most part, seeing him every so often though at his request, and I was fine within a few months... He came back to me and I didn't want anything but after time I decided to give him another chance and yet again everything came crumbling down. Since then we've just prolonged the pain, at least I have.

20 days later of strict no contact, I have such a new perspective on our relationship... Give yourself time and you will too and see that none of this is worth being on your mind. You live and you learn, we all do crazy things for people we believe love us, but in reality, you don't leave something precious to you.... so what are we?

We can't be that important to them, so why have them run your life?

More so, when they are choosing not to be a part of it.