guest569 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 It has gotten slightly easier for me. I compare myself now to the complete and utter suicidal wreck that I was in January, and I am coping. For the past 6 months that is all I have done "keep moving". I am not recovering, and I am not over him. I love him and miss him every day. I am just coping and living. I guess that is what we do. I try to avoid thinking about him at all but he still gets into my thoughts every day. I still dream about him in my sleep. I dream that we are together having BBQs and planning holidays. Then I wake up in tears and have to relive the breakup again. Haven't contacted him for 2 months. I guess that has helped a bit, I may appear to have let go in that respect but I don't think I ever truly will. I have dated again without much success. I know I will never find anyone like him.
forever_lost Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hey there. You're right. Gotta "keep moving". My recommendation, though, is that you don't try and stop thinking about him. When I did that, I remember waking up from dreams about walks in the park crying and not wanting to live anymore. Stalling thinking just makes thinking that much worse. You loved him and miss him. My advice is to try and be okay with that part of you and "keep moving" at the same time. Over time, slowly but surely, you will begin to think about him as a fond memory, still caring about him, but able to live happily without him. I love and miss my ex every day as well. I have also dated with little success, because these women I've seen pale in comparison in my mind to my former love. But I feel okay with that. It's been a difficult journey, and I'm nowhere near the end, but it's been much better. Hang in there, and "keeping moving". You got this. I don't know you, but you're stronger than you know. We all are. Cheers!
Griesfootball Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 When you move on and date other guys you can't compare them to your ex. Every person we date is different and none of them will be exactly like our exes but I think this is a good thing because you will find a person who offers different positive qualities, somebody new can offer a whole different outlook to you that you didn't even think was possible 1
me85 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Boy, do I know how you feel. I've talked to 3 guys since my BU and there wasn't a spark with any of them. I'm proud of myself for finally getting out there though. I'm not sure if I still love my ex or miss him but I still think of him every day, pretty much all day.
orangetree Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I know how you feel. My break up happened only 5 weeks ago but I just cannot let go. We have been NC since the break up and I'm not going to contact him ever again I think. I still think about him all the time, dream about him and I compare every guy I meet to him. Since the break up I even kissed another guy and all I could think of was my ex. I felt like I was cheating. I honestly believe that I will never truly get over him or stop loving him. I believe that one day I will find another guy who I will fall in love with, but that won't mean that I'm over my ex. He will always be there, always be the one who got away. 1
Author guest569 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Hey there. You're right. Gotta "keep moving". My recommendation, though, is that you don't try and stop thinking about him. I did stop thinking about him for a while when dating someone else, I was so happy. But suddenly one day out of nowhere when a family member brought him up I burst into tears. I think I had convinced myself I was over it during that time. Will this still happen in 5 or 10 or 50 yrs? I hope not. I cant imagine just having fond memories of him without getting upset. I think I will always long for him. Hang in there, and "keeping moving". You got this. I don't know you, but you're stronger than you know. We all are. Cheers! Thanks When you move on and date other guys you can't compare them to your ex. Every person we date is different and none of them will be exactly like our exes but I think this is a good thing because you will find a person who offers different positive qualities, somebody new can offer a whole different outlook to you that you didn't even think was possible I couldn't help but compare these guys to my ex, although in some cases I initially thought they were better than my ex. Then one cheated on me and the other also hurt me with dishonesty. My ex was very honest and it seems that honesty is hard to come by at least in the dating world. Boy, do I know how you feel. I've talked to 3 guys since my BU and there wasn't a spark with any of them. I'm proud of myself for finally getting out there though. I'm not sure if I still love my ex or miss him but I still think of him every day, pretty much all day. That's really disappointing but you should be proud for getting out there. I bet closer to the breakup the thought of dating others was unbearable? It was for me. So I guess there is some progress. I know how you feel. My break up happened only 5 weeks ago but I just cannot let go. We have been NC since the break up and I'm not going to contact him ever again I think. I still think about him all the time, dream about him and I compare every guy I meet to him. Since the break up I even kissed another guy and all I could think of was my ex. I felt like I was cheating. Well done on not talking to him after the breakup. I spent around 3 months calling him and crying on the phone to him for hours. I knew it wouldn't make a difference but couldn't help it, just had to talk. So i admire your strength. I also felt that same guilt when kissing another guy, and that was after 3 months too. I thought I was ready but I ended up in tears cause I felt like it was wrong and made me realise I am not over the ex and will never be able to kiss him again. I think though it was partly upsetting because the guy was too intense and trying to get me in bed on the first date. After such an amazing first date. I since dated a guy for a couple of months and felt ok with it. We went slowly and I wasn't thinking of my ex when I was with him. I actually thought he was a decent guy but he dumped me and at the end I found out he had been dating another woman the whole time.
realfriends Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 It has gotten slightly easier for me. I compare myself now to the complete and utter suicidal wreck that I was in January, and I am coping. For the past 6 months that is all I have done "keep moving". I am not recovering, and I am not over him. I love him and miss him every day. I am just coping and living. I guess that is what we do. I try to avoid thinking about him at all but he still gets into my thoughts every day. I still dream about him in my sleep. I dream that we are together having BBQs and planning holidays. Then I wake up in tears and have to relive the breakup again. Haven't contacted him for 2 months. I guess that has helped a bit, I may appear to have let go in that respect but I don't think I ever truly will. I have dated again without much success. I know I will never find anyone like him. You are recovering. Its hard to tell because part of the process is feeling like **** and grieving. Stay NC. It'll help. A lot. And you are right. You will never find someone like him. You'll find someone better. Just take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Keep your head up 3
Elle1975 Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 It has gotten slightly easier for me. I compare myself now to the complete and utter suicidal wreck that I was in January, and I am coping. For the past 6 months that is all I have done "keep moving". I am not recovering, and I am not over him. I love him and miss him every day. I am just coping and living. I guess that is what we do. I try to avoid thinking about him at all but he still gets into my thoughts every day. I still dream about him in my sleep. I dream that we are together having BBQs and planning holidays. Then I wake up in tears and have to relive the breakup again. Haven't contacted him for 2 months. I guess that has helped a bit, I may appear to have let go in that respect but I don't think I ever truly will. I have dated again without much success. I know I will never find anyone like him. It's too early for you to date, that's what it is. You will find someone else. Someone different; someone who won't leave you. I know it's easy to say no one compares, but it's not true. This mind set also challenges our feelings: "if I can love someone else, then my love for him wasn't as strong as I thought it was". Again, it's not true. It's a common belief after a break up that "he was the one" or to think "I won't love anybody else as much". Sure, you will. It takes time. By contacting him, you prolonged your grief. To get better, you have to actually want it, or it will take a hell of a lot longer. 1
Author guest569 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thanks all. I definitely want to get better but I cant let go. Not sure if I even want to let go.
Justaguy30 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 My heart goes out to you, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am too! You can't really stop thinking about it because if you do it comes out in one way or another. I start pretty much everyday thinking about her and its not easy ill tell you that. The dreams can be really tough!!! Stay strong
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Simley1, I can feel your pain. 2 mo is too early to avoid crying. I've had dreams and woken up crying countless times. But I think dreams of this sort are a way of your mind releasing the sorrow and pain you feel. 8 mo for me and I still feel terrible at times. Dreams are dreams, they are not reality. Don't contact him and forget about him! I know it's harsh but if he cared about you, it wouldn't have been 2 mo without you hearing from him. It doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't matter anymore. YOU matter, YOUR healing matters, focus on YOU and this new phase in life. Everything happens for a reason, often it's because there's something better for you, look forward to the future, think of all those things you couldn't do before and now have the freedom to do. Btw exercise is a good way of releasing stress and pain. I've had to drag myself but it's been worth it, feels great afterwards!
Author guest569 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I have tried absolutely everything. Was just in a group class at gym and halfway through the anxiety appeared and i just wanted to collapse into a ball and cry. I managed to hold on until the end and cried all the way home.. He's gone forever and i dont know what i can do about it. I cant accept that,
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I'm proud of you that you're taking a group class after only 2 mo. I didn't start exercising until after 3-4 months. I kept crying my heart away and was severely depressed like you. I could cry at anytime so I didn't go to public places. YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING! Keep at it. It will take some time. I wish I had started exercising much earlier and found this forum earlier. My case was just too complicated. But trust that the future holds something much better. It's a matter of time. Take time everyday to cry/feel it but no more than 10m, block it, switch gear and distract yourself. If you get busy with something, you won't think about it. I hope you've cut all contact. You'll only think about it, if you get the time to think. He's certainly gone and will not come back, you will accept it in time. Don't worry, I was in shock for months and couldn't accept it either, acceptance comes after some time. Don't worry about acceptance. Just focus on the PRESENT and FUTURE.
Author guest569 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 But it is 6 months since the breakup itself, so i feel like its never going to improve if it hasn't after this long. It improved temporarily when I was dating someone else. I guess he was merely a nice distraction cause as soon as he dumped me i went back to missing my ex, But in the end i am always the one being dumped or rejected. My confidence is so low. The classes and swimming, gym etc should help, at least it gives me some goals and the classes usually help me build some confidence again. You are right he probably doesn't care at all about me. That makes me feel even worse. He says he does and that is why he wont initiate contact with me cause he has been through the same thing..
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Hey don't feel worse, I've been there really. For me it's been 8 mo and the sadness hasn't gone away. We were together for 1yr and had plans of marriage, how long was it for you? Imagine my shock, it's good I found out before marriage, he could have left me after. He didn't care about me either, in fact my closure turned out to be very harsh, I would cry all day endlessly for days, weeks, months. I stabilised somewhat after 5 mo and I still feel like a part of me is not there but I don't give myself time to think about it, I block it and do something else. 6 mo in a lifetime is not much if you look at the grand scheme of things. You'll laugh at this time after you're over it. He didn't care about you but you will find someone who does when you don't expect it. I'm in my mid-30s and I've had 3 failed serious relationships. I think the same way. Failure is part of life as is success. You will come out of it stronger. Actually you went for the rebound. That usually doesn't work in my opinion because it's due to a reaction not rational. If you're torn and you jump into another relationship how will you strengthen it if you are not strong yourself. Give yourself time until you're ready.
disparate Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Hey, not sure how much help my post will be but I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation, BU has been around 7 months and I've been NC for 6 months so similar timeframe but I guess my NC has been longer. Even though I've been NC for longer than you have, I still have the same thoughts you have but the strength of feeling and longing for her varies from day to day and week to week but I still miss her terribly and like you feel that no other girl will compare and I do compare any girl to her which is unfair. I have been tempted to break NC a few times but whenever the urge is overwhelming I come on here and post on my thread just to vent. It's so tough and I promise (and promise myself) it will get better eventually but we just have to keep going. I constantly wish that she'd reach out to me and apologise but then that just shows that I'm not important enough for her to do so which means really I'm too good for her and she was never worth my effort or time.
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 What positive changes have you started to make in your life? Will NC help you heal from this? Yep! It will! Will NC and making positive changes in your life help you heal more quickly? DEFINITELY!! So, what positive changes have you started to make?
loversquarrel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Everybody is different in how they deal with emotional pain. I know I go through anxiety bursts at different times of the day, heart ache other times, sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness and longing. It all depends, but it takes time. I have been divorced for 5 years and I haven't been completely happy or content in any of my relationships since. It seems I have to work at being content, which isn't really being happy. The person I'm with now treats me better than anyone ever has in my past, she is very attractive, intelligent, stable, etc. but I find I still have a feeling of emptiness inside me. You may end up in the same category as me, always trying to regain the fulfillment you once had that now is gone.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 But it is 6 months since the breakup itself, so i feel like its never going to improve if it hasn't after this long. It improved temporarily when I was dating someone else. I guess he was merely a nice distraction cause as soon as he dumped me i went back to missing my ex, But in the end i am always the one being dumped or rejected. My confidence is so low. The classes and swimming, gym etc should help, at least it gives me some goals and the classes usually help me build some confidence again. You are right he probably doesn't care at all about me. That makes me feel even worse. He says he does and that is why he wont initiate contact with me cause he has been through the same thing.. It might have been six months since you've broken up, but it might as well be only two, since you've been in No Contact for only two months. So don't feel bad about the amount of time -- it takes as long as it takes and No Contact sucks around the two-month mark. Just keep with it and the lows will get less low and less frequent. 1
miranda_wilson Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 The longest it has taken me to get over someone is about two years. That being said, I wasn't in "intense pain" for the whole two years. I would say I was "in pain" (like what you, the OP, is describing) for about six months. It might have lasted a bit longer, but I had this guy -- who I wasn't serious about but liked in a lukewarm way at least -- come into my life to distract me for the next six months. Then for about 8 months to a year after that, I still thought of the guy I had wanted originally but was no longer feeling "intense pain." I have found, though, that I have never gone over two years without something new, exciting, truly desired, and sustainable...coming into my life. I hope it works for you that way too, and you can realize that whatever you're feeling now will subside with time. Just let yourself feel the feelings and soon they will become less and less...
Author guest569 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Thanks everyone for your responses. I dont really have any close friends so so am missing that support network that I think I need, so this helps a lot. I tried to make new friends (joined a sports team) but ended up feeling like the odd one out and they were quite nasty which made me feel even more rejected! I have tried to stay social and go to the gym a lot, i got a promotion and a new pet. it is getting up towards 3 months no contact now but for the first time I have been really tempted to reach out. I sometimes imagine hearing his car pull into the driveway and dream that he will come back. I know that contacting him will just make it worse. I'm not sure if i still have him on a pedestal, i guess i can see his faults but after my other dating experiences i think he is perfect.
David87 Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 OP he's not perfect, you still have him on a pedestal it seems. After you start dating a bit things will get better....but you are not ready to date, be patient it will be ok in the end.
Chi townD Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Thanks everyone for your responses. I dont really have any close friends so so am missing that support network that I think I need, so this helps a lot. I tried to make new friends (joined a sports team) but ended up feeling like the odd one out and they were quite nasty which made me feel even more rejected! I have tried to stay social and go to the gym a lot, i got a promotion and a new pet. it is getting up towards 3 months no contact now but for the first time I have been really tempted to reach out. I sometimes imagine hearing his car pull into the driveway and dream that he will come back. I know that contacting him will just make it worse. I'm not sure if i still have him on a pedestal, i guess i can see his faults but after my other dating experiences i think he is perfect. If certain things didn't work for you, then try other things. Dive classes, community theater, cooking class, photography course. Take a trip somewhere, join a running club, join a cycling club, spin classes, zumba classes....anything that will get you out and interacting with people.
Author guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Maybe I spoke too soon when I said I was feeling better cause now I feel almost the same as I did the night he broke up with me. I can't handle it and feel so alone. I miss him so much and can't do anything about it. The pain is never going to leave.
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