rhider Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hey guys! I've got some problem. I've been in an fwb thing for like 8months now, but we know each other for quite a while longer. So, everything is acutally pretty fine, we do meet very often like 3-4 times a week, including sleep overs, cooking, cuddling etc. I'm acutally pretty happy with the situation and i really like her a lot, but as i know, she is not the relationship typ, i've never brought that topic on. Although we agreed a couple months ago, to be sexually exclusive... So thing is, we go to college together and she acutally had planned to change colleges to start her Master Education. I acutally surpressed that fact in the past...didnt want to think about what it would be like, if shes gone...so yesterday, we were supposed to meet and she texted me and said, she couldnt make it tonight, because she wouldnt feel well... so i asked her whats wrong and she said, she got bad news on today...so i suggested to come over and she could tell me, what that was about...so done...when i arrived and we started talking, she said, she failed one of her last term papers and now she could not move away...and she started crying immediatley... i didnt know how to react acutally, because to me, it was awesome news...i wouldnt lose her...then i said: i'm really sorry for you, i know u wanted that...but see it from the bright sight: i'm still here too '' that did not cheer her up...i felt hurt actually...today i thought about it again...i really much like her...but obviously, she isnt on the same train here...should i end this, because it wont probably gettin me anywhere? Or should i try talking to her, gettin serious together, now that she wont leave? Thanks for your thoughts!
kolleamm Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Well it seems kind of unfair to you that she would cry that she is gonna have to stay. Dude as much as you love her break it up with her. There are plenty off women out there in the real world (not online) you can meet. You deserve better. Remember women are practically everywhere, stores, classrooms, clubs, the trick is to be prepared with your lines before approaching them and find some common ground you may have with them and mention that followed by asking for their number. Do not be afraid to meet new people. Good luck.
Assasda Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Just continue on, sooner or later she'll find out how selfish you are 5
firmness Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 She cried because she cannot get away from you. That is what I am reading. Do NOT change the nature of this relationship and ignore anyone who calls you selfish. This is a consensual relationship between two adults. Enjoy it while it lasts. You will have to learn sooner or later that you are disposable. All men are.
Miss Awesome Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hey guys! I've got some problem. I've been in an fwb thing for like 8months now, but we know each other for quite a while longer. So, everything is acutally pretty fine, we do meet very often like 3-4 times a week, including sleep overs, cooking, cuddling etc. I'm acutally pretty happy with the situation and i really like her a lot, but as i know, she is not the relationship typ, i've never brought that topic on. Although we agreed a couple months ago, to be sexually exclusive... So thing is, we go to college together and she acutally had planned to change colleges to start her Master Education. I acutally surpressed that fact in the past...didnt want to think about what it would be like, if shes gone...so yesterday, we were supposed to meet and she texted me and said, she couldnt make it tonight, because she wouldnt feel well... so i asked her whats wrong and she said, she got bad news on today...so i suggested to come over and she could tell me, what that was about...so done...when i arrived and we started talking, she said, she failed one of her last term papers and now she could not move away...and she started crying immediatley... i didnt know how to react acutally, because to me, it was awesome news...i wouldnt lose her...then i said: i'm really sorry for you, i know u wanted that...but see it from the bright sight: i'm still here too '' that did not cheer her up...i felt hurt actually...today i thought about it again...i really much like her...but obviously, she isnt on the same train here...should i end this, because it wont probably gettin me anywhere? Or should i try talking to her, gettin serious together, now that she wont leave? Thanks for your thoughts! Here's what I think. She's not unhappy about simply not being able to move away. She's unhappy that she failed and now can't continue on to do what she really wanted to do. She just found out that a goal - an expectation, really - is out of reach at the moment. Saying what you did really showed a lack of compassion. Sometimes people just need you to sit with them in their sadness, not try to cheer them up (especially not by letting on that their bad news makes you happy). 7
haribogumsnickers Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Definitely don't break things off now. First off, you two started out as friends so be the best friend that she needs now. I know you see her as more than a friend but did you tell her that yet? Obviously not because she wasn't too thrilled when you said that the bright side to her failing the paper is that she can spend more time with you. Just offer the support and let her know this is fixable and you're here to help. Then, when things are back to the norm, let her know how you really feel. No matter what happens, you did something and not just give up.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 when someone wants something real bad, and then they can't get it, they get sad. It has NOTHING to do with you. You shouldn't make it about you either. A Masters program is for someones future and depending on the career objective, the college one goes to may really matter. I was upset when I couldn't go to the college I wanted, it bummed me out. Everyone supported me and I went and got my Masters anyway from a reputable college even though it wasn't the college I wanted to go to since I was a kid. Get over yourself and support her and be there for her. It aint about you right now. 5
guest569 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I agree completely with dartagnan2. Its about her needing support because she failed at something she really wanted to pursue. It sounds like a huge deal to her. I wouldn't act on it either way at this point as she already has enough to deal with. Just step back and put your feelings aside, sounds like you are way too attached already for "fwb" when things settle down a bit ask her if she wants a relationship with you, if not, get out and protect yourself.
Andy_K Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 This is a time where, if you are genuinely a friend, you need to do the 'friend' part of the 'friends with benefits'. Listen to her when she's upset, give her support, encourage her to do whatever it is she needs to do to get her life back on track where she wants it to be. Let the empathy and compassion come first, and your feelings come second. As for your feelings, you know how the saying goes - if you love something, set it free, it if doesn't come back then it was never really yours. But either way you'll be a better man for it.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Here's what I think. She's not unhappy about simply not being able to move away. She's unhappy that she failed and now can't continue on to do what she really wanted to do. She just found out that a goal - an expectation, really - is out of reach at the moment. Saying what you did really showed a lack of compassion. Sometimes people just need you to sit with them in their sadness, not try to cheer them up (especially not by letting on that their bad news makes you happy). I agree with this entirely. It's probably nothing to do with you, OP, she must have at least a degree of happiness with you to have been with you for eight months, and agreed to be exclusive with you, and from the sounds of it acting like a girlfriend. She was crying because something she wanted SO BADLY, her future career aspirations, went up in smoke and she was shocked, surprised, upset, embarrassed, you name it. It can be really upsetting when you are devastated about something like that for somebody to say not five minutes later 'but, on the bright side, I'm here!' or some other platitude, when people are that upset you cannot cheer them up instantly and as the upset person it feels incredibly insensitive. She probably thought 'wtf, my dreams have just evaporated and he thinks that being in the same city as each other is going to make that okay?' no matter how much she likes or loves you. Right there and then all you needed to do was hold her and tell her you'll be right by her side as she figures out where to go from here and that you believe in her. I'm treating this as though it's a relationship btw, as it sounds more like that than a FWB arrangement. In your position I'd tell her next time you're near each other 'hey, look I'm sorry I acted insensitively when you told me about your paper, I panicked and said it because it hurts to see you cry and I so badly wanted to cheer you up but I see now that it was a stupid thing to say in the moment. How have you been feeling about it since we last spoke?' and take it from there. Not everyone knows how to handle emotional outbursts, many people panic and say the wrong thing. That's okay but ya know, try and make it right again.
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