jbelle6 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Well, as the title suggests we are going to try again. We had been bickering quite a bit for a few weeks at the end, he decided to call it off. I was no contact for 7 weeks to the day and he showed up at my door on Wednesday begging for another chance. I thought about it a couple of days and decided to say yes. My reasons were: There were no lies or betrayal. We both treated each other with love and respect, even during the breakup. If anyone were to read any of my posts I could not find a bad thing to say about this man even after he dumped me. I never got to hate or anger. I determined that there was no one else (I did not want it to be a case where he tried with someone, it didn't work so he came back to me, if I found out ANYTHING that made me question that I would have said NO) I unblocked and looked at his social media before answering him, he added no one, talked to no one. I also spoke with the mutual friend who introduced us and his brother and they both independently said he's been just a mess and that there was no one, he hadn't been going out and he lost 20lbs because he couldn't eat. Seems there was a conflict of our communication styles that we both feel is something that can be worked out. I have been working on some of my issues with a Counselor as has he. The reason I am mentioning all that is because I don't want to give anyone false hopes by telling my story. I don't believe in second chances if something big is broken. Also, it's only been a couple of days, maybe this second chance won't last, I just know it was worth it to us both to give it a try. I want to really stress how important No contact is. NEVER beg or plead anyone to stay. I blocked him IMMEDIATELY after the breakup, like 5 minutes after. I got so much self esteem back by doing it. It's also really going to help with any neediness I may have had because I KNOW I can be fine without him. I also feel that the no contact made him respect me a lot. He asked for space and I certainly gave it. I blocked him from EVERYWHERE. I did not look at his social media, I blocked email and his number to the point that he had to physically come to my home to speak to me. Don't make it easy for them. I got a breadcrumb that I almost responded to but then ignored, I'm glad I did. I read on here that if they want you back they will move mountains and come right out and say their intentions, and it's true. No contact won't necessarily get your ex back but it sure will show them what their life is like if you are not in it, and it will show them FAST. If you treated them very well, they will notice. He was the one laying in bed all day with tears, I wasn't, I was working out, posting on here and getting my mind positive. Don't see it as the dumper giving you a second chance. No, let them come to you and beg YOU for a second chance (that is if you didn't cheat or do something horrible). Things are so different now, it's nice, he goes on about how happy I make his life and how he NEVER wants to feel like he did when I was gone ever again. He wouldn't be saying that if I had taken his "just friends" offer, because he wouldn't know what his life would be without me. Keep that in mine when you are worried they'll forget you if you disappear, the opposite is true. Anyways, we shall see what is to come. I am optimistic and very happy. I know we will appreciate each other a lot more going forward. If it doesn't work out in the end, I have still improved my self and proven to myself that I can stand on my own two feet. 6
ThorntonMelon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I wish you best of luck. I hope you can turn to us for feedback as things go well or not well!! Hoping very much for you!! 1
WhiskeyJack Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 After reading this I wish I had been as strong as you and took that route, lessons learned. I wish you all the best of luck! 1
Author jbelle6 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thank you Thorton! I will be sure to update, even if it crashes. These boards helped me SOOOOOO much. Such good advice and I need the tough love style for things to get through to me. Thank you for wishing me well.
Author jbelle6 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 After reading this I wish I had been as strong as you and took that route, lessons learned. I wish you all the best of luck! Thank you Whiskey! Don't beat yourself up over it, I honestly don't think no contact is even for getting them back and don't think it would have went that way with anyone else I was ever with. Plus I didn't stay no contact because I was strong to be honest, it was more that I would not have been able to bare seeing something that would have made me feel like the first day after the break up. I wish you luck in love and life as well! 2
thekid36 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Well, as the title suggests we are going to try again. We had been bickering quite a bit for a few weeks at the end, he decided to call it off. I was no contact for 7 weeks to the day and he showed up at my door on Wednesday begging for another chance. I thought about it a couple of days and decided to say yes. My reasons were: There were no lies or betrayal. We both treated each other with love and respect, even during the breakup. If anyone were to read any of my posts I could not find a bad thing to say about this man even after he dumped me. I never got to hate or anger. I determined that there was no one else (I did not want it to be a case where he tried with someone, it didn't work so he came back to me, if I found out ANYTHING that made me question that I would have said NO) I unblocked and looked at his social media before answering him, he added no one, talked to no one. I also spoke with the mutual friend who introduced us and his brother and they both independently said he's been just a mess and that there was no one, he hadn't been going out and he lost 20lbs because he couldn't eat. Seems there was a conflict of our communication styles that we both feel is something that can be worked out. I have been working on some of my issues with a Counselor as has he. The reason I am mentioning all that is because I don't want to give anyone false hopes by telling my story. I don't believe in second chances if something big is broken. Also, it's only been a couple of days, maybe this second chance won't last, I just know it was worth it to us both to give it a try. I want to really stress how important No contact is. NEVER beg or plead anyone to stay. I blocked him IMMEDIATELY after the breakup, like 5 minutes after. I got so much self esteem back by doing it. It's also really going to help with any neediness I may have had because I KNOW I can be fine without him. I also feel that the no contact made him respect me a lot. He asked for space and I certainly gave it. I blocked him from EVERYWHERE. I did not look at his social media, I blocked email and his number to the point that he had to physically come to my home to speak to me. Don't make it easy for them. I got a breadcrumb that I almost responded to but then ignored, I'm glad I did. I read on here that if they want you back they will move mountains and come right out and say their intentions, and it's true. No contact won't necessarily get your ex back but it sure will show them what their life is like if you are not in it, and it will show them FAST. If you treated them very well, they will notice. He was the one laying in bed all day with tears, I wasn't, I was working out, posting on here and getting my mind positive. Don't see it as the dumper giving you a second chance. No, let them come to you and beg YOU for a second chance (that is if you didn't cheat or do something horrible). Things are so different now, it's nice, he goes on about how happy I make his life and how he NEVER wants to feel like he did when I was gone ever again. He wouldn't be saying that if I had taken his "just friends" offer, because he wouldn't know what his life would be without me. Keep that in mine when you are worried they'll forget you if you disappear, the opposite is true. Anyways, we shall see what is to come. I am optimistic and very happy. I know we will appreciate each other a lot more going forward. If it doesn't work out in the end, I have still improved my self and proven to myself that I can stand on my own two feet. JBelle, I am seriously so incredibly happy for you both! Love the positive attitude you have no matter where this ends up going! I truly admire how you look at the specifics as opposed to what may be more general or popular! May this make you happy! You are a valued member of the threads and always offer interesting insight. I hope that you continue to stick around! 1
Author jbelle6 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 JBelle, I am seriously so incredibly happy for you both! Love the positive attitude you have no matter where this ends up going! I truly admire how you look at the specifics as opposed to what may be more general or popular! May this make you happy! You are a valued member of the threads and always offer interesting insight. I hope that you continue to stick around! Thank you Kid!!! I love these boards so I'm sticking around!
Grumpybutfun Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I believe in second chances too, as long as the person has righted what was wrong, didn't do anything overt to break vows and didn't betray me. Sometimes we make incredibly crazy decisions when tying to figure out our emotions, but it seems he has seen that his issues resided within him and not in his relationship with you. I wish you the best of luck....and logic, kindness and patience for a truly great relationship. My wife once told me that she was grateful to every woman who flitted in and out of my life because they made me the man I am. I think she meant that I had lessons to learn and spaces to grow and each one of them were instrumental in that so regardless if it works out or not, you have grown and learned a lot about yourself. Best, Grumps 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Wishing you the best of luck. Sounds like you have your head in the right place to be doing this, which is awesome. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I'm confident that you'll be OK. 1
FredJones80 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Good luck with this jbelle6, however I feel from your end you need to change a few of your perspectives on relationships. I'm not sure how old you are but you seem to have had quite a few relationships, from a couple of months and some of a couple of years - or so I get the impression. Your overall advice to others is good but the general vibe I get from you through seeing many of your posts over time can be summed up with "when the feelings gone, its gone" Which makes me wonder once the brain chemical "in love" feeling has gone do you struggle with making a choice to love someone? to do the little things, keep up the little contact and do loving things for your partner? or are you just expecting a "feeling" to exist and carry you through in to a long term relationship. Don't get me wrong, this isn't supposed to be an attack, in fact I sincerely hope this works out for you and I could be totally off-point with my comments but in the slim chance I'm not and it actually makes you reassess your own way of doing things then it may just make that chance slightly brighter, have a read of the following, if you haven't seen it before then it could stand you in good stead, its a rather enlightening post :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687 1
Author jbelle6 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Good luck with this jbelle6, however I feel from your end you need to change a few of your perspectives on relationships. I'm not sure how old you are but you seem to have had quite a few relationships, from a couple of months and some of a couple of years - or so I get the impression. Your overall advice to others is good but the general vibe I get from you through seeing many of your posts over time can be summed up with "when the feelings gone, its gone" Which makes me wonder once the brain chemical "in love" feeling has gone do you struggle with making a choice to love someone? to do the little things, keep up the little contact and do loving things for your partner? or are you just expecting a "feeling" to exist and carry you through in to a long term relationship. Don't get me wrong, this isn't supposed to be an attack, in fact I sincerely hope this works out for you and I could be totally off-point with my comments but in the slim chance I'm not and it actually makes you reassess your own way of doing things then it may just make that chance slightly brighter, have a read of the following, if you haven't seen it before then it could stand you in good stead, its a rather enlightening post :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687 Hi Fred, early 30's, 4 relationships, 8 years, 6 years, and two 2 year long ones before this current one that is at a year and a half. I casually dated between serious relationships a bit like anyone else, I think that's the norm. I have said when feelings are gone they are gone. I was speaking from the dumpers perspective. I was the dumpee. I stand by that and I give that advice because holding onto hope that these people will come back is pointless. First of all, it rarely happens, second of all, I keep seeing this hope cause posters here to break their no contact rules. It's amazing that my ex did come back, but if he hadn't I'd have been just fine. I don't have a hard time staying in love, or I would not have cared when I was dumped a couple of months ago. Why my relationships ended: -High school sweetheart, wanted to get married at 19, I wasn't having that. -One it turns out, prefers men, still my best friend, awesome guy. -One was abusive, any bad stories I tell it was HIM. I had to end that one. -And one I actually did just gradually lose feelings for. I am not sure how I gave off the impression of tons of relationships, and none of my relationships were just months long... I think you are assuming my "when feelings are gone they are gone" advice applied to me, which it does, it applies to everyone, but that doesn't mean MY feelings are the ones that always go. I do not take this as an attack in the least, I have never taken the time to make a thread about my history so people only have little snippets from various threads to go on.
Author jbelle6 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 I believe in second chances too, as long as the person has righted what was wrong, didn't do anything overt to break vows and didn't betray me. Sometimes we make incredibly crazy decisions when tying to figure out our emotions, but it seems he has seen that his issues resided within him and not in his relationship with you. I wish you the best of luck....and logic, kindness and patience for a truly great relationship. My wife once told me that she was grateful to every woman who flitted in and out of my life because they made me the man I am. I think she meant that I had lessons to learn and spaces to grow and each one of them were instrumental in that so regardless if it works out or not, you have grown and learned a lot about yourself. Best, Grumps Thank you Grumps! I am hoping for the best. 1
Author jbelle6 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Wishing you the best of luck. Sounds like you have your head in the right place to be doing this, which is awesome. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I'm confident that you'll be OK. Thank you for the well wishes Simon! No contact really did show that I'd be OK if this doesn't work out. I hope more people give it a serious shot.
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