rooanda Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years in May (we lived together at my parents house and were just about to move into a new house together) The reason for the break up was that an old friend came back from 3000 miles away for a holiday. She lived here 7 years ago and they were very close although she never wanted a relationship with him, they spoke on facebook from time to time and had a one night stand 4 years ago - he hasnt seen her for 4 years and also no contact for 2 years until January this year when she told him she was visiting for a couple of weeks and all the old friends should get together. My boyfriend told her about us and she said how pleased she was he had found someone that made him happy as she always thought she couldn't make him happy and couldnt wait to get to know me. We went out for dinner and I was introduced to her - she is the very opposite of me. I am very quiet and she is very bouncy, I'm tiny, thin but curvey she is tall and skinny . She made no attempt to befriend me and spent most of the night reminessing with my boyfriend, I am ok with this as thats what old friends do, this was on the Tuesday night. We had been invited out with the whole group on the Thursday evening but on the Wednesday I got the feeling he didnt want me to go so I let him go on his own, he came home at 2.30am. He asked on the Friday to go and say goodbye to her as she was leaving to travel to some other relatives and he wouldn't see her again before she went 3000 back home. Although I was not keen I said yes - at this moment I am the best girlfriend ever!! He returned home at 1.30am after I texted him to ask where he was as he originally said he wouldnt be that long. His explanation was that he lost track of time - ok fine with me. On Saturday I was out for the day with work and came home - he seemed his normal self, this is when I did something silly, he hadnt used my laptop for over a year but on google chrome it was still logged in to facebook so I looked at his messages from her (it was the only form of communication as her phone didnt work here) he had messaged her saying he couldnt get her out of his head - I was not very pleased but said nothing. We spend the next day at his fathers 65th birthday we had a great time but when we got home he went out to see a male friend. I looked on facebook again and he had messaged her saying he couldnt stop thinking about her. She was also replying saying similar things. When he returned I said I felt there was a problem and thought there was more to him and her than friendship - I asked for his mobile, he gave it too me reluctantly and I pulled up his facebook and of course saw the messages I knew I was going to see. I asked him to make a decision on what he wanted he said he didnt know then after 30 mins he said he wanted me. I checked this was still what he wanted the following day. I kept reading his facebook messages and on Tuesday he asked to call her, I gently asked him if he had had any contact with her since Sunday and he said he had phoned her to tell her he was cooling things on facebook as he wanted to concentrate on his relationship with me, but she kept contacting him. On Wednesday he asked to use my computer and logged himself out of facebook - darn now I couldnt see what was happening!! I was in the bedroom and his phone bleeped with a new facebook message saying of course he could phone her anytime that evening. He lied to me by saying he wanted to go out for a run. When he came back I asked him to leave. He wants to remain friends and I have tried to but everytime we are near each other he starts cuddling me and kissing me, he says he doesnt know what he wants but is going to visit her in 2 weeks for a weeks holiday and is talking about moving out there and that he has been discussing a relationship with her. I do love him very much and was looking forward to a future with him, we never argued, he wanted us to live in a house together, he asked after 2 years if he could move in at my parents house. I am a very relaxed chilled kind of person and not particulary tactile whilst he is very impulsive, charming and out going and extremely tactile. We had a great time together and we both get on so well all the time. We have a close circle of friends all of whom are really shocked we have split up. I'm not sure where I go from here or how I am supposed to act I can't analyze his actions as I don't know what's driving them and he won't talk about it he just says he doesn't know
FlippinJacks Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I don't like being gloom and doom, but in this case, I feel I need to be. I say drop this guy, like a bad habit. What he's done, in my opinion, is unforgivable. The closer you look at it, the worse it seems. You found out about it on your own. How long was he planning on letting this go without letting you know he was having doubts, or wanting out? When he was already gone? He was going to completely blind side you, that's incredibly crappy. Keeping friendly with you is just keeping his hook into you so that MAYBE if things don't work out with other girl, he has a nice comfy place to come home to. He's flat out lied, he's being manipulative, and he's throwing all you've had for the past 3 years for a MAYBE with someone who lives 3000 miles away. Frankly, I don't think anything will come of it, that's a long way to move your whole life based on a few days reconnection with an old friend/one night stand. Do you really want to be waiting with open arms in the wings while he has fun with someone else and gets it out of his system? Trust when I say if he comes back, a man this flighty WILL repeat. Ridiculous. I'm very sorry. 2
Zahara Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I'm not sure where I go from here or how I am supposed to act I can't analyze his actions as I don't know what's driving them and he won't talk about it he just says he doesn't know His actions are pretty straightforward in that he is going to meet her to pursue something with her. It doesn't matter what's driving him to do this. The fact remains that he has exited the relationship with you and is pursuing a possibility with her. He's talking about moving out there to her. I think you should treat it as a break-up and that means falling off the radar. No more contact and focus on accepting that it's over and start grieving the loss of this. Sitting back and hoping he may change his mind? Even if he decided he wanted to come back, how would you revisit this again? Could you ever trust him again? Would it not bother you that maybe he just came back because it didn't work out with her? Would you wonder if he truly actually loved you? 1
Author rooanda Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thank you for your replies, I was almost at that stage myself and have already gone for the no contact - we have some things that were already pre arranged but I have made my excuses as I dont think I trust myself when I am arround him. I am finding it difficult to let go as I cant believe how one minute we are planning our future, he has never looked at another person and the next its as though the last 3 years were nothing. Perhaps he has always been in love with this other girl and I was just a diversion. Well onward and upward and towards indifference
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