spiderowl Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I don't know, I'm trying to figure out whether I really am just too reserved or if I'm being used. I chat to guys online from a dating site. They start out nice and chat about general things and then want to get on to finding out about the 'naughty' side of me. Even guys who seemed real gentlemen at first take this turn. I feel we are still in the getting to know you phase, not the physical intimacy phase, so I find myself getting more and more frustrated with them. I feel they are using me to feed their fantasies and care nothing about me as a person. Fair enough, if that's what they say they are doing, but these are guys who claim to want a relationship. I'm gonna have to give up on online dating because of this issue. I'm not an uptight person. I love sex and want nothing more than a wonderful relationship with a guy so I can enjoy that as often as possible. I just want it to happen naturally not have it pushed at me when I haven't even met the guy. Even if I have met him, I want to get to know him before we start getting physical. He'll do something like contact me, say I'm was really sweet when we met, or something, and then say that he thinks I've got a naughty side too. I was thinking he was a decent guy up until then. Now he's just ruined it.
FlippinJacks Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 It isn't just you, and I hear you loud and clear. I have also given up on the online dating world. It FEELS as if all the men are on there for a booty call alone. Yeah, I'm not telling someone my kinks after having shared 5 short texts back and forth, pardon my dust as I run for the door. 1
Author spiderowl Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I'm so glad it's not just me! I know a large percentage are on there for dodgy reasons: - sex chat - feeding their fantasies - looking for fetish partners - married people looking for affairs - those seeking casual sex but I know there are a few who are genuine and seeking a relationship. Is it the modern-day thing to try pushing this early on? Are guys just afraid of being 'friend-zoned' so feel they have to assert their sexuality early on? There must be a lot of frustrated people of both sexes if this is a result of some misunderstanding about how to progress a relationship.
April Moon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I had the same issue too! I just portrayed myself to be the biggest prude online (virgin, wouldn't have sex till marriage, I don't kiss till after we are an official couple, etc.). This way it would weed out the guys that were only in it for one reason. If they were seriously interested in me, this did not bother them.
Author spiderowl Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I had the same issue too! I just portrayed myself to be the biggest prude online (virgin, wouldn't have sex till marriage, I don't kiss till after we are an official couple, etc.). This way it would weed out the guys that were only in it for one reason. If they were seriously interested in me, this did not bother them. An interesting way of dealing with it! I get the impression these guys think this is the way to date these days and not that they are doing something wrong. They think women are less prudish and so it's OK. I do think some of them are looking for a relationship and assume this is how they should show interest. It's as if they've never been taught to be gentlemen or have rejected this idea because they think they'll be forever 'friend-zoned' if they don't try to turn things sexual almost from the start. There is a huge difference between showing physical attraction to a woman and trying to turn things sexual too early.
April Moon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I felt like some guys just wanted to see how far they can go with me. I'm not okay with that. I found my bf on OKC. He was always very sweet and respectful. He literally took me on a date (out to eat, movies, etc.) everyday for over a month before we had our first kiss. I appreciated that he respected boundaries and is still chivalrous towards me. I think most guys try to lead sexually but there are a couple of gentleman out there so don't get discouraged. 1
Quiet Storm Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I'm married, so I don't have this problem. However, I have an 18 year old son and have been trying to help him navigate his relationships in this day & age. I think there are a few reasons for this: 1) Porn. I am not a porn hater, I actually watch it. But, I think it gives some men the belief that women are very open about their kinks & sexuality. I think porn gives the impression that sex/sex talk should happen immediately, and they don't realize that many women need a high level of trust before they will open up like that. They think all women are secret nymphos & if he talks dirty he can bring it out. Porn doesn't show the buildup, the trust, the intimacy that most women need to bring out their inner nympho. 2) Women. Some women do play along with the sex talk, and it's fun for men & it turns them on. Men get confused because some women respond really well to it, and others get disgusted or offended. Some of the texts that young women have sent my son (texts he didn't ask for) are XXX rated. There is a subset of women that seem to use sex talk/pics as currency for male attention. Men have a hard time recognizing which women are into it or not. So they test the waters with sex questions to see how you'll respond. 3) Casual Sex. For many people, sex & dirty talk are just not taken seriously anymore. Instead of using it as a way to connect with someone you love, it's recreational or for entertainment purposes. For men with this mindset, they see this stuff as "no big deal", even if they are looking for a relationship. 4) Role models. Many men don't have male role models to teach them how to respect women & build a genuine connection with a woman. They aren't good at communicating with women. They will assume that a woman wants what he wants. So if he's thinking dirty thoughts about you, he's assuming you are doing the same. He doesn't realize that it will be viewed as disrespectful. He doesn't realize that penis pics aren't sexy, because he'd love to have naked pics of you. He thinks asking for sexy pics or dirty talk is a compliment to you, a way to show how much he is attracted to you. This is because if a girl asked him for penis pics, he would think "WOW she must be SO attracted to me!" 5) Men don't understand that when they focus on sex, it makes us feel used. They want sex with you, yes, but that doesn't mean they don't like other things about you. They can love your personality, your ambition, your sense of humor, your smile and STILL want sex & to talk dirty with you. 3
Author spiderowl Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I agree it must be confusing for young men QuietStorm. Do you think this has happened to your son - that he doesn't know how to behave because of this? I'm sure you are a good example to him and try to teach him. You'd have thought that guys would realise that the women they want do not like this stuff. How can they miss that?
Quiet Storm Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I agree it must be confusing for young men QuietStorm. Do you think this has happened to your son - that he doesn't know how to behave because of this? I'm sure you are a good example to him and try to teach him. You'd have thought that guys would realise that the women they want do not like this stuff. How can they miss that? Yes, he gets confused. He doesn't want a GF because he starts college in two months. He is upfront about that, but he is a good looking & smart kid, and girls naturally like him. He has had some girls say they are OK being FWB, they send him sexual texts & pics, and then they get upset and cry when he doesn't want a relationship with them (after he told them that up front). It confuses him, and he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. So I had to talk to him about girls emotions, how they can get attached when they only intend to be FWB, be considerate & respectful, the potential consequences of casual sex, etc.
Author spiderowl Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Yes, he gets confused. He doesn't want a GF because he starts college in two months. He is upfront about that, but he is a good looking & smart kid, and girls naturally like him. He has had some girls say they are OK being FWB, they send him sexual texts & pics, and then they get upset and cry when he doesn't want a relationship with them (after he told them that up front). It confuses him, and he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. So I had to talk to him about girls emotions, how they can get attached when they only intend to be FWB, be considerate & respectful, the potential consequences of casual sex, etc. You sound like a great mum. I'm sure he will be learning. Men seem more able to compartmentalise than women and shut off emotion when it seems impractical or irrelevant. A guy I know says he only fell in love because 'it sneaked up on him'!
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