Money and dates in relationships. Your thoughts?

[Enjaycee]

One of the things that my current girlfriend and I had a fuss about was about money and paying for dates.

 

At one point, I had the belief that men were supposed to pay everything for all the dates for a certain period of time when pursuing a relationship with a woman. Little did I know, depending on who you're dating, sometimes it gets to a point where you can relax a little and let her pay if she really wants to. I used to always insist on paying for everything, for a long time too (6+ months into a relationship), to a point where it almost became a topic of argument (happened with a previous gf).

 

After that point, I have started to believe that its better to go dutch, or to pay for some parts of a date while she cover other parts. My thinking is if we do it this way, she wouldn't feel guilty about me paying for every thing, supporting women's equality, all that. Fairness, right? Apparently that is not the case...

 

The several dates that I have been on with my long-distance gf, including our first, consisted of meeting in the middle in some city, and we do typical couples things, such as movies, meals, events, etc. I would always ask first, though, if I would pay for this while she covered that. The dates easily are $100+ dates given the gas for travel, movies, meals, tourist attractions, etc. She always seemed to never have a problem with it, or so I thought.

 

After so many of these kinds of dates occurred, my gf finally revealed to me during an argument that we had was that she has never NOT been expected to help cover the costs on a date with everyone she's ever dated, and that she didn't appreciate me expecting her to pay too. I was appalled, because the whole time I thought that what I was doing was okay! Why did she wait until now to tell me? This is where I this whole issue is ridiculous; had she TOLD me that she didn't appreciate it in the first place, I could have easily covered everything, $100+ and all. I'm a salaried employee and she still works at a local restaurant, so maybe knowing that I should have offered to pay more, but even still, I was all for the spirit of fairness.

 

I couple this with my belief that "it's not about the money" that you spend in a relationship. If you decide to spend money on someone, no matter how much or how little, then that is your choice, and you shouldn't be expecting anything back, lest you become resentful to your bf/gf about it. Another reason why I think it's bs, because she said that she spent that because she wanted to and doesn't expect anything back, but then mentions the problem above??? Apparently I missed something here, and now I believe she has become slightly resentful/annoyed because of it.

 

I have not presented this case for fear of starting another argument with my gf, so that's why I am asking the public on this forum. Since revealing the money issue to me, I have fallen back to starting to pay for everything in order to keep our relationship more stable. I can certainly afford it and have no problems at all, it's just that I wish I had known earlier or she mentioned it to me earlier before I continued with the split-costs approach.

 

So folks, am I right or wrong here? Is my belief of sharing costs on dates valid or invalid? Is my girlfriend right/wrong? Should I have stuck to my belief, or should I have been paying for everything in the first place? Any and all comments, tips, and criticisms are appreciated.

Edited June 27, 2014 by Enjaycee

[Gaeta]

Do you earn equal revenues?

 

Yes I believe she should share but depending on her capacity to share.

[Enjaycee]

We do not. I am a salaried employee at a software company and she still works for tips as a waitress.

[clia]

I think if you are in an established relationship she should be contributing to the relationship and paying at least some of the time. Since you make more money than she does, it's not totally unreasonable for you to pay more often if you don't mind doing so, but I think it's pretty rude of her to expect you to pay for everything. It seems like she could occasionally pay a taxi fare or for movie tickets or dessert. Something.

[Gaeta]

We do not. I am a salaried employee at a software company and she still works for tips as a waitress.

 

And it did not come to you that she cannot afford to pay half of a weekend trip? Or half at the restaurants you've been going to?

 

If you date someone that has a fraction of your salary you have to adjust to their means or you pay for both of you.

[Snakechammah]

I guess most girls dream of being taken care of by their hero boyfriend. (and yes, I know not all, thus the most)

 

Maybe your girlfriend was ok at the point of expenditure but if her bills piled up and she realizes she has spent more than she should, resentment builds up. It all depends on your communication factor. It is nice to know you're picking up the tabs now that you realize her financial incapability but the minute you feel resentful about being the one to pay, that's when more trouble kicks in.

 

Personally, I feel it isn't fair if there is only one person paying for everything. Equality is important in any relationship and maybe you both should talk about finances and expectations?

 

Generosity is a trait one is born with, and therefore cannot be forced upon. Compatibility in this area is so important in a relationship. Who gives, who takes, and whose turn?

 

Do talk to her about this, and approach it in a kind and non-confrontational manner. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

In the beginning I have always traded off. In some ways I'm a traditionalist in the sense that especially if the guy asked me, I expected him to treat on the 1st date. I was always prepared to pay the whole thing but I wanted to see the gesture. Also I always offered to pay the tip.

 

 

If earning capacities are roughly equal which can be surmised from the occupations of the participants, the back & forth is the arrangement I liked best. If earning capacities are unequal, the person with more money should pay more often.

 

 

Money issues can derail any relationship & are frequently the source of marital woes. Various approaches are "right" the secret is finding the approach that works for you both

[Joaquin]

You can't expect anyone to pay for things they cant afford. If you wanna eat out, knowing she's broke or not really able to afford it, then you have to be prepared to pay and not make an issue of it.

 

A girl that stated categorically that its a guys job to pay for everything would definitely rub me up the wrong way though. I'd probably feel I was being used.

 

I generally switch off and pay for whatever when dating broke girls. I do keep an eye out to see if she buys me the odd beer or cooks a few dinners just to make me feel like she's making an effort.

[Enjaycee]

I guess most girls dream of being taken care of by their hero boyfriend. (and yes, I know not all, thus the most)

 

Maybe your girlfriend was ok at the point of expenditure but if her bills piled up and she realizes she has spent more than she should, resentment builds up. It all depends on your communication factor. It is nice to know you're picking up the tabs now that you realize her financial incapability but the minute you feel resentful about being the one to pay, that's when more trouble kicks in.

 

Personally, I feel it isn't fair if there is only one person paying for everything. Equality is important in any relationship and maybe you both should talk about finances and expectations?

 

Generosity is a trait one is born with, and therefore cannot be forced upon. Compatibility in this area is so important in a relationship. Who gives, who takes, and whose turn?

 

Do talk to her about this, and approach it in a kind and non-confrontational manner. Good luck!

 

The sad thing is, knowing me, that there IS a chance I may start to become resentful for paying for everything and will maybe end up starting up crap about the same thing. The thing is, at this point for us, I don't know how much is going to be too much, how many times will I be paying for everything until it is ok that she pick up something on her own, and she not have this whole "I wish you didn't expect me to pay on the date" complaint again. I agree, I may have to just discuss with her kindly at some point. Thanks for this

[Elle1975]

One of the things that my current girlfriend and I had a fuss about was about money and paying for dates.

 

At one point, I had the belief that men were supposed to pay everything for all the dates for a certain period of time when pursuing a relationship with a woman. Little did I know, depending on who you're dating, sometimes it gets to a point where you can relax a little and let her pay if she really wants to. I used to always insist on paying for everything, for a long time too (6+ months into a relationship), to a point where it almost became a topic of argument (happened with a previous gf).

 

After that point, I have started to believe that its better to go dutch, or to pay for some parts of a date while she cover other parts. My thinking is if we do it this way, she wouldn't feel guilty about me paying for every thing, supporting women's equality, all that. Fairness, right? Apparently that is not the case...

 

The several dates that I have been on with my long-distance gf, including our first, consisted of meeting in the middle in some city, and we do typical couples things, such as movies, meals, events, etc. I would always ask first, though, if I would pay for this while she covered that. The dates easily are $100+ dates given the gas for travel, movies, meals, tourist attractions, etc. She always seemed to never have a problem with it, or so I thought.

 

After so many of these kinds of dates occurred, my gf finally revealed to me during an argument that we had was that she has never NOT been expected to help cover the costs on a date with everyone she's ever dated, and that she didn't appreciate me expecting her to pay too. I was appalled, because the whole time I thought that what I was doing was okay! Why did she wait until now to tell me? This is where I this whole issue is ridiculous; had she TOLD me that she didn't appreciate it in the first place, I could have easily covered everything, $100+ and all. I'm a salaried employee and she still works at a local restaurant, so maybe knowing that I should have offered to pay more, but even still, I was all for the spirit of fairness.

 

I couple this with my belief that "it's not about the money" that you spend in a relationship. If you decide to spend money on someone, no matter how much or how little, then that is your choice, and you shouldn't be expecting anything back, lest you become resentful to your bf/gf about it. Another reason why I think it's bs, because she said that she spent that because she wanted to and doesn't expect anything back, but then mentions the problem above??? Apparently I missed something here, and now I believe she has become slightly resentful/annoyed because of it.

 

I have not presented this case for fear of starting another argument with my gf, so that's why I am asking the public on this forum. Since revealing the money issue to me, I have fallen back to starting to pay for everything in order to keep our relationship more stable. I can certainly afford it and have no problems at all, it's just that I wish I had known earlier or she mentioned it to me earlier before I continued with the split-costs approach.

 

So folks, am I right or wrong here? Is my belief of sharing costs on dates valid or invalid? Is my girlfriend right/wrong? Should I have stuck to my belief, or should I have been paying for everything in the first place? Any and all comments, tips, and criticisms are appreciated.

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong.

 

Women still aren't getting paid equally btw, but that's not the point.

 

I personally expect a man to pay for dates if he wants to go out - and I am grateful, not entitled. I am in school and my income isn't all that. However, I'd do other things for my partner. Cook him dinner, go out to the park, watch tv together, etc..

 

To me it's all about what works for YOU.

[Radu]

Both before when you paid for everything and in this relationship you went to extremes.

 

First of all, paying for everything for 6 months is ridiculous.

Second [and only because i forgot to add this one before], 100$+ date is again ... ridiculous ... wth do you spend that on average ???

And thirdly, insisting from the start to go dutch is again, another extreme.

 

Have you thought about this system :

- do not say exactly what you do, and downplay the wages that are paid in your industry if the talk comes [even tangentially]

- find out what she does for a living to get an idea of what she makes

- go on cheaper dates [if possible]

- see if she offers to pay for something, and work something out [that is appropiate] when it happens; if it doesn't happen and she is one of those "i'm an independent woman", then next her ... if she is not of that type, open the topic of discussion

It might seem as though you might lose her, but a bigger loss is if you marry someone who is taking you for a ride.

[Keenly]

I don't think there is a right or wrong.

 

Women still aren't getting paid equally btw, but that's not the point.

 

I personally expect a man to pay for dates if he wants to go out - and I am grateful, not entitled. I am in school and my income isn't all that. However, I'd do other things for my partner. Cook him dinner, go out to the park, watch tv together, etc..

 

To me it's all about what works for YOU.

 

I chuckled a little.

 

 

You expect a man to pay for dates, but you aren't entitled.

 

Come on... that's funny.

[Joaquin]

I don't think there is a right or wrong.

 

Women still aren't getting paid equally btw, but that's not the point.

 

I personally expect a man to pay for dates if he wants to go out - and I am grateful, not entitled. I am in school and my income isn't all that. However, I'd do other things for my partner. Cook him dinner, go out to the park, watch tv together, etc..

 

To me it's all about what works for YOU.

 

Well it clearly works for YOU. I expect a man to pay for dates? You must have something very special or be preying on simple men.

[d0nnivain]

Stop jumping up & down on Elle1975. She said basically the same thing I did.

 

 

I do expect a man to offer to pay on the 1st date. It's not that I can't pay or won't pay . . . it's just nice to be treated.

 

 

Both of us said we'd reciprocate in other ways so nobody is advocating a mooching / freeloader approach.

 

 

There are plenty of women who feel insulted when a man offers to pay. They see it as an attack on feminism & don't want some guy thinking he can "buy" them or that she now owes him a goodnight kiss or more.

 

 

As I also said money is a huge factor in the demise of many relationships. You need to find people who have similar ideas about it (or at least make so much it doesn't matter all that much)

[ktya]

This topic is a landmine filled with unspoken rules. I hate it.

 

Apparently....

 

The person who asks the other person out should pay for the date. Apparently this is fair, but since the guy is always expected to do the asking that means that the guy should always pay.

 

If the woman offers to pay the whole bill its because the date was horrible. Not to be confused with the above, because if the date went well the guy should offer to pay the whole bill.

 

If the woman offers to pay part of the bill the man should protest. But he must not protest too much or he will come across as patronizing and insult her. Also if she offers to pay some or all of the bill it is bad form for the man to not try to sneak covering the whole bill. Also if she goes to the washroom when the bill comes its expected that the man cover the entire check despite that she offered to pay and insisted.

 

When the bill actually is split between the guy and the girl it is not assumed that the bill is dutch. The woman will only pay for that which she specifically ordered and any share plates are covered by the man. There is a complex pythagoran theory for splitting the bill which is impossible for those with Y genes to understand. Ensure to count and remember how many natchos each person ate during the date as you may need to prorate the dish when the check comes.

 

If the man makes more money than the woman he should always pay.

 

If the woman makes more money than the man the man should pay the whole bill anyway or at least offer and protest if she offers to pay some of the bill. Of course she will not pay the whole bill lest she may be accidentally communicating that the date went horribly.

 

If the man orders an inexpensive meal it is perfectly fine for the woman to order the most expensive thing on the menu. If she offers to pay part of the bill in this case going dutch is perfectly acceptable unlike other situations. She is also well within her rights to pick at said expensive meal and barely touch it and to allow the man to pay.

 

If a man clearly indicates that the two dating are not a match before the bill comes it is the man who should still pay the whole bill.

 

It is perfectly ok for a woman to allow the man to pay the entire bill, and afterwards upon leaving the restaurant to tell the man that she does not see a match and she has no further interest in speaking to him.

 

The location of dates should always be convenient for the woman. If this costs the man a significant amount of money in travel or takes a lot of time this should not be factored into how the bill is split as he was blessed with her presence. On this same topic it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to expect a man to have to travel for several times the amount of time as she will allow him to be blessed with her presence. For example, there is nothing wrong with her expecting the man to travel for an hour round trip for a coffee date that she will cut short in 15 minutes.

 

The use of coupons by the man is prohibited and looks cheap. The woman may use coupons at her discretion and this is to be seen as her footing part of the bill.

 

Haggling over how to split the bill is bad form for the man and he must accept whatever split the woman chooses regardless of unfair the split may be. After all he is expected to foot the bill anyway so he should consider himself lucky. The woman may haggle as she chooses.

 

...

 

This is tongue in cheek. To be honest the best dates ive had were the ones where the woman offered to split the check down the middle. The women who play games above always had drama and or were flakey.

 

When a woman offers to pay half, i respect her a lot more than a dame who happily lets me pay the whole bill. I also find girls who offer to pay half the bill are more likely to jump in the sack with you on the first date, are more likely to stick around for the long haul and wont be asking you for expensive gifts later.

 

I think each person paying half should be the norm. The above unspoken rules are from a time when women couldnt work and aspired to be housewives. Its 2014 time foe the ladies to get with the same feminist ideals in dating as they espouse everywhere else.

[lollipopspot]

I am a salaried employee at a software company and she still works for tips as a waitress.

 

You need to pay more, or go on much cheaper dates. Have a discussion with her about your expectations, and find out hers.

 

It's not about right or wrong, it's about what both people hope for in a relationship, and if you can come to some agreement.

[Gaeta]

If the woman makes more money than the man the man should pay the whole bill anyway or at least offer and protest if she offers to pay some of the bill.

 

I'd like to hear the other ladies on this.

 

I have dated a man for a year that made probably 30% of my annual income. He worked hard, grabbed all the overtime he could, and it all went to child support. I gladly paid for our outings, we didn't go out that much and I always insisted it was on me.

[Diezel]

If you two are having problems this early on when it comes to "money" issues and you feel like communication is broken down because of it and you aren't getting anywhere by talking to each other about it... it might be time to move on. It's not going to get better.

 

You set a dangerous precedent by always paying and not even allowing her to do the fake "checking my purse for my wallet".

 

We live in a new world now where the old school rules of who pays for the date have been thrown out the window... by Date 3, I don't think I should be expected to pay every single time unless she is unemployed. If this starts happening, I dumb down the date expenses to an ice cream and then a walk though the park, etc, etc, etc...

 

And let's not act like she doesn't make tips as a waitress.

[jbelle6]

The sad thing is, knowing me, that there IS a chance I may start to become resentful for paying for everything and will maybe end up starting up crap about the same thing. The thing is, at this point for us, I don't know how much is going to be too much, how many times will I be paying for everything until it is ok that she pick up something on her own, and she not have this whole "I wish you didn't expect me to pay on the date" complaint again. I agree, I may have to just discuss with her kindly at some point. Thanks for this

 

 

 

 

It's pretty simple.

 

I dated men who earned FAR more than me, if they wanted to eat at certain restaurants or go to certain concerts or games then it just wasn't possible for me to afford half the cost of all that when it was every weekend that they wanted to go.

 

I think whomever invites to the event should pay, that way the person who earns less can plan dates where he or she can afford to treat, and the person who earns more can plan dates wherever they please. It also shows an equal effort put into the relationship and doesn't leave the planning of dates solely on the other person.

 

I think it's more fun that way because the dates tend to be more interesting and eclectic, not always sitting in a stuff restaurant.

He might take me to a fine dining restaurant when he plans, if I plan I might pick up fresh seafood and a bottle of wine and cook him an amazing dinner, he might take me to a concert or ballgame, I will find an authentic little Italian restaurant to treat him.

 

You invite or suggest, you pay. Now if she is always suggesting 5 star places and doesn't want to pay then that's an issue.

[Gaeta]

And let's not act like she doesn't make tips as a waitress.

 

And tips is what allows her to make ends meet at the end of the month. Without tips restaurant workers would not be able to live on their wages only. You know how low is minimal wages for restaurant workers? Something like $7.25 per hour in the US. You cannot afford restaurants on that salary.

[greenbee81]

Usually when on the first few dates I have no problems paying for everything, but if it's expected 100% of the time and $60 lobster plates then I'll suddenly find excuses to be busy.

[Diezel]

And tips is what allows her to make ends meet at the end of the month. Without tips restaurant workers would not be able to live on their wages only. You know how low is minimal wages for restaurant workers? Something like $7.25 per hour in the US. You cannot afford restaurants on that salary.

 

I've been a waiter and then later a bartender in the US for less than 7.25.

I was expected to afford restaurants for me and a +1 just fine. If I could do it, so can others.

[jbelle6]

What is with nickle and diming anyways? I don't do that with my friends or my boyfriends, I never keep track or count. If I love someone I'd give them the shirt off my back. Even for one of my friends, if I want to go for a pint or for dinner and she hasn't gotten her pay that week, I will treat her and not keep track if she gets me back, I don't care if I treat a few times in a row. I know she'd get me back because I only spend time with good quality people.

 

I have dated people with millions and I currently am dating a student who has nothing. I've been on both sides of the fence.

 

If you aren't generous and will get bitter over issues with money, then date someone in your own tax bracket.

[CrystalCastles]

I think you need to sit down with your woman and communicate to each other your preferences.

 

Go on cheaper dates that she CAN afford to pay for. Maybe an expensive date is great once in a while, but not every time.

 

I personally always plan to pay for my share, first date or not. I feel important when I contribute to dates with my man. I think that treating a man like your personal walking bank is unattractive. I am not entitled to my man's money, just like he's not entitled to my body.

 

It seems to me, personally, from your OP that your woman also did not mind paying for dates but I think they just got too expensive. I think you should have a talk about this with her, and clarify what she feels comfortable with.

 

And @ ktya- is it really that offensive for a guy to use coupons? My guy got coupons for two movie tickets, popcorn and drinks for our date tmr. I am perfectly fine with that, a cheap/free date is great!

[ktya]

I think whomever invites to the event should pay, that way the person who earns less can plan dates where he or she can afford to treat, and the person who earns more can plan dates wherever they please. It also shows an equal effort put into the relationship and doesn't leave the planning of dates solely on the other person.

 

You invite or suggest, you pay. Now if she is always suggesting 5 star places and doesn't want to pay then that's an issue.

 

Lol. Which means that the man should always pay.

 

Because we all know women ask men out on dates all the time.

 

*smirk*