WhiskeyJack Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I need to do this, I need an area thats public that I can share my feelings, I don't feel comfortable talking to people in person. I'm a bottler and need an outlet. So here it goes... Today. Today sucks. I have already cried a lot. I messaged the ex I'm still not over and I got a unsatisfying answer back. Typical one word answers from him. It's been 8 months from the break up and I'm still losing my mind about it. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be over it, I want to move on, I want to be happy. Everything reminds me of him, EVERYTHING. I've been seriously considering leaving this province to get away from it all, but then I battle with not wanting to leave cause then it's done. I'm so sick of this. These last 8 months have been ****, and I've done some things that I'm not proud of. Like have sex with the ex's good friend, moved too quickly into a relationship with a guy I barely knew cause I wanted that "secure" feeling back, said **** to people that I regret and basically became a hermit. No one in my life knows what I'm going through, I've hid it incredibly well. They think I'm fine, and I'll probably just keep it that way. Then theres the whole thing with the guy I moved to fast into a relationship with. Weird thing is, he's been a douche to me but I still care about him and keep going back. BUT! He's pushed me down, put me in a headlock, went through the history on my computer, stole my phone, yells in my face, has called me a bitch, whore, cunt, ****er, etc., lied about his age and ignores me for hours to days at a time. I feel like I have no respect for myself. I don't know why I can't just walk away. And currently its been 48 hours since I have been able to get ahold of him. His phone has been off the entire time, I've gone to his place twice just to see if he'd answer the door. He was home, just didn't answer at all. I kind of think that I'm holding onto him cause when we're good, we're really good. He dotes on me, makes sure I'm happy, and we have great sex. But all of that doesn't make up for what he has done and I don't know why Im still friggen seeing him. I like the attention. Actually I love the attention. bahhh. I'm a little ****ed up. I think I'm going to go NC with the ex of 5 years and NC with the new guy. I mean if he can full out shut me out for 48 hours for no reason I don't see why I should give him any more of my time. I think I'm just going to use this thread as a journal. No need to reply.
leavesonautumn Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I need to do this, I need an area thats public that I can share my feelings, I don't feel comfortable talking to people in person. I'm a bottler and need an outlet. So here it goes... Today. Today sucks. I have already cried a lot. I messaged the ex I'm still not over and I got a unsatisfying answer back. Typical one word answers from him. It's been 8 months from the break up and I'm still losing my mind about it. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be over it, I want to move on, I want to be happy. Everything reminds me of him, EVERYTHING. I've been seriously considering leaving this province to get away from it all, but then I battle with not wanting to leave cause then it's done. I'm so sick of this. These last 8 months have been ****, and I've done some things that I'm not proud of. Like have sex with the ex's good friend, moved too quickly into a relationship with a guy I barely knew cause I wanted that "secure" feeling back, said **** to people that I regret and basically became a hermit. No one in my life knows what I'm going through, I've hid it incredibly well. They think I'm fine, and I'll probably just keep it that way. Then theres the whole thing with the guy I moved to fast into a relationship with. Weird thing is, he's been a douche to me but I still care about him and keep going back. BUT! He's pushed me down, put me in a headlock, went through the history on my computer, stole my phone, yells in my face, has called me a bitch, whore, cunt, ****er, etc., lied about his age and ignores me for hours to days at a time. I feel like I have no respect for myself. I don't know why I can't just walk away. And currently its been 48 hours since I have been able to get ahold of him. His phone has been off the entire time, I've gone to his place twice just to see if he'd answer the door. He was home, just didn't answer at all. I kind of think that I'm holding onto him cause when we're good, we're really good. He dotes on me, makes sure I'm happy, and we have great sex. But all of that doesn't make up for what he has done and I don't know why Im still friggen seeing him. I like the attention. Actually I love the attention. bahhh. I'm a little ****ed up. I think I'm going to go NC with the ex of 5 years and NC with the new guy. I mean if he can full out shut me out for 48 hours for no reason I don't see why I should give him any more of my time. I think I'm just going to use this thread as a journal. No need to reply. Unfortunately, there are reasons he's shut you out. Look at it this way, this guy is doing you a favour whether he sees it that way or not. He'll never make you feel safe or secure. You need to get out of that situation because it's unhealthy mentally and most likely making your insecurities worse (I'm not a professional in this field though). I'm really sorry about what you're going through and this forum has been a great place to vent in. I'm 5 months NC with my ex of 5 years and I still feel depressed and cry which I think I allow myself to do instead of getting up and moving on. Please don't talk to this new guy anymore, it's making you feel even worse and you don't need that. I know you mentioned that you've become a hermit but also that no one knows what you're going through. Have you considered counselling? It's a great way to vent and they won't try to shove medication down your throat that you don't need.
Author WhiskeyJack Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thanks for the reply leavesonautumn. I'm sorry to hear your dealing with a break up as well . 5 years is long time with someone to just not be with them anymore. I wish I was 5 months NC but I'm weak and haven't been able too. I think I do the same thing, I cry and stress myself out instead of moving on. Its hard. I know this new guy is bad news and I should just stop talking to him. I really should. It's my plan right now. Just hard as well. I'm sick of getting close to people and then losing them. I don't have a lot of close friends so it's a touchy subject for me. I thought about counselling, but I have "opening up to new people" issues. I feel like I'd go and just sit in silence for the whole time and get no where. I'm still considering it though. Thanks.
Author WhiskeyJack Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Well the new guys phone is back on. I called his phone just to see if it was, and it started ringing instead of going straight to voicemail. I hung up instantly. That was 30 mins ago. In his hiatus I had messaged him a few times and left 2 voicemails. He hasn't tried to get ahold of me or message me at all. I'm taking this as a hint that I should just go with the NC. I mean if I really mattered to him at all he'd be trying to get in touch with me after his hiatus. Well really he wouldn't have gone on a hiatus at all if that was the case. I don't know why I care. I know I shouldn't care, but I'm still hurt. ****kkk...
Author WhiskeyJack Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 K I need to figure out what I should be learning from my past relationships, so I'm going to write it all down now. 1st relationship, lasted 8 months. Got cheated on numerous times. What I did right; Broke up with him the moment I found out about he cheated. What I did wrong; Stayed in a relationship I knew I was over, I picked fights to try and get him to break up with me prior to him cheating. 2nd relationship, lasted 3 months. Was a rebound and he left me for a different girl. What I did right; Absolutely nothing. What I did wrong; Became a person I never want to witness again. I was clingy, needy, weird and just a moron. 3rd relationship, lasted 22 months. Got cheated on numerous times. What I did right; Gave my all and trusted again, after getting dumped he asked me to come back a month later, I said no. What I did wrong; Forgave him after the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time he cheated, begged him to take me back, talked bad about him to his current girlfriend (I will forever be completely embarrassed by the behaviour I took in this stage), basically became the pathetic ex, let him take advantage of my good nature. 4th Relationship, lasted 5 years. He just didn't feel the same anymore. What I did right; Moved away from the shared home. What I did wrong; Begged and pleaded with him to stay, remained in contact, became the pathetic ex, still held on the hope we'd get back together. I'm not even going to bother with the most recent one as the entire relationship was a right off. But seriously I see a pattern with how I've handled break ups. I don't handle them well at all! I turn into someone I never want to ever see, but yet I do it all the time. I need to just stay away from relationships in general. I need to work on me. I'm the most important in my life, I don't know why my focus isn't on me. Thats all going to change.
Author WhiskeyJack Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Well because I am a ****ing idiot I ended up messaging the new guy. It was strained at first but got better to where we were back to the way we usually are. I kind of forgot all about the fact he blatantly turned off his phone to ignore me for over 2 days. Well the **** hit the fan when I sent him a picture. After the picture I got accused of everything. Cheating on him, lying to him, I live a second life online, and that I hide everything from him. I told him I can't handle the emotional roller coaster anymore cause it's mess me up inside. He looked like he was going to answer, decided not too and is now ignoring me. Awesome. ****ing awesome. Whyyyyyy didn't I just go NC like I said I would. Why did I even bother messaging him. Now I'm just upset, I haven't slept all night. Hmm... I think I technically need to break up with him first. Damn it.
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