AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Several months back I met and dated a guy for a few months - I broke it off when I realized he was still dating while having a sexual relationship with me. We never talked of being exclusive (I thought it too soon to bring up) so there was nothing I could say about his dating other than "goodbye." Now that I'm thinking of dipping my toes back into dating, how do I navigate the in-between stage, especially when it comes to sex? I've heard many say "no sex before monogamy" but don't we all want to make sure that the sex is good before becoming monogamous? I remember really liking a man who liked me back and it turned out he was the worst kisser I'd ever experienced. It was so bad that I just couldn't bring myself to get together with him again so the thought of putting exclusivity before sex scares the hell out of me. Thing is, I don't want "casual" sex. How on earth do I get my head around how to handle this?
PegNosePete Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I've heard many say "no sex before monogamy" but don't we all want to make sure that the sex is good before becoming monogamous? No. Being exclusive is not marriage. You don't have to sign any kind of long-term commitment deal. You just have to agree not to date others while you're sexing each other. Why is that so hard? Then if you don't like the sex (or don't like him for other reasons, whatever) then you simply say goodbye and go back to dating others. Not like you need to get a divorce to get out of exclusive dating... you just say I don't think we're matched goodbye. I bet my bottom dollar you're in the US. You guys have such strange attachments to your labels... 2
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thanks for your response. I know you're right - I suppose I should toughen up about these things but DAMN! It's hard to do. You're right about me being in the states (made me laugh at that) but have no idea what you mean by "having strange attachments to our labels." I guess that's because I've lived ONLY in the U.S.
Gaeta Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Being monogamous with someone does not mean you are committed to a relationship, it means you have an exclusivity agreement on sex, doesn't even mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend. Even fwb have exclusivity agreements.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Several months back I met and dated a guy for a few months - I broke it off when I realized he was still dating while having a sexual relationship with me. We never talked of being exclusive (I thought it too soon to bring up) so there was nothing I could say about his dating other than "goodbye." Now that I'm thinking of dipping my toes back into dating, how do I navigate the in-between stage, especially when it comes to sex? I've heard many say "no sex before monogamy" but don't we all want to make sure that the sex is good before becoming monogamous? I remember really liking a man who liked me back and it turned out he was the worst kisser I'd ever experienced. It was so bad that I just couldn't bring myself to get together with him again so the thought of putting exclusivity before sex scares the hell out of me. Thing is, I don't want "casual" sex. How on earth do I get my head around how to handle this? Monogamy isn't the same as marriage. Monogamy is a commitment to NOT date or f*ck another person while you're together. A verbal agreement of exclusivity for as long as you both want it. It's NOT a binding contract that handcuffs you to another person for all eternity for heaven's sake. If the kiss was horrible enough to send you running for the hills regarding exclusivity then so be it. Consider that a good. If it felt right, you would have wanted more and the exclusivity talk would be have been inevitable in order to take the relationship to the next level, right? You don't want to give out your golden ticket to just anyone and I completely respect but that doesn't mean you can't still find other ways to have fun and get a good sense of your sexual chemistry. And if you end up in an exclusive relationship with someone that turns out to be really suck in the sack, you have free will to either find a way to work it out or leave. Simple.
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Gaeta, thanks. I didn't even consider that monogamy and exclusivity are two different things......apparently, I've been out of dating way, way too long!
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Michelle, the census is in and I obviously had it all wrong in my head. Sigh. After being alive this long (52) you would think I'd have gotten a better handle on this. Thanks for your reply.
PegNosePete Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 have no idea what you mean by "having strange attachments to our labels." Sorry it's just my personal bugbear that the US guys seem to love attaching labels to every single phase of the relationship process, and allow these labels to define the relationship. Rather than the other way around, which seems much more natural to me. Eg: we want to have the "exclusive" label, therefore we will not date others. Rather than, we have no desire to date others, therefore we are "exclusive". Personally if I were dating someone and they were having sex with someone else, I wouldn't want to see them again. Whether there's an exclusivity agreement or not. 1
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Pete, I hear you! I've never cared about labels at all and have always just let things happen naturally. I've yet to have a man where we talked about becoming exclusive or monogamous, it just happened (just the way I like it). I guess my last relationship sort of shook me up and made me a little paranoid about getting back out there. Like I said, time for me to toughen up. Wish me luck, something tells me I'm gonna need it.
Gaeta Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Michelle, the census is in and I obviously had it all wrong in my head. Sigh. After being alive this long (52) you would think I'd have gotten a better handle on this. Thanks for your reply. I am 48 and there are days I feel I know nothing When I got back on the dating scene I was 45 with zero experience (was married to my first boyfriend for ages). I have learn like a 17 year old would, by hitting my nose several times Welcome to the world of dating.
PegNosePete Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Good luck... from what I've heard NYC can be particularly brutal for this kind of thing.
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 You mean I'm not the only one who knows nothing? (Thanks, I needed that!) I also feel like I'm starting over from age 18 - thing is, at 18 this was a HELL of a lot easier! I realize I'm not really cut out for the whole dating process, but since a good man is not going to fall through my ceiling and onto my couch I'll get my tuchus out there and give it another shot.
Author AliOop Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Pete, the funny thing about NY dating is while it is tough I have to admit, I like the edge that comes with a lot of men in NY. I really like the rather bold, witty and (slightly) cocky attitude - it entertains me to no end. As long as it's not due to a sense of entitlement it's all good. Sooner or later something's got to work (fingers crossed).
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