amkxoxo Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 So I am a 22 years old. Very shy and innocent. Dated but never been in a serious relationship. I crave it though. Well one night I was out and I met this guy. We talked. He was very cute, appealing, smart, loved his mother and kind. He like me wasn't a big drinker of alcohol so we bonded over that. We exchanged numbers and he even gave me a late night ride home with his friends since he was a designated driver that night. I never expected him to call me. The next afternoon he did. He invited me out for dinner that night.He picked me up and was waiting by his car. He opened the passenger door for me. He opened every door all night. We talked the whole time. We walked to a nearby café after and drank coffee and talked a lot more. I thought it went well. He intimidated me a bit with his lifestyle of travelling and his career which benefits the life of others. The next night I was having some friends over to my place for a fire. I called to invite him but he claimed to have too much work to do. To my surprise a half an hour later he called back and asked if it was still ok to come since he rearranged his schedule to come. He met all my friends and it went well. I was then graduating college. He facebook messaged me that night to personally congratulate me on my success and we started talking back and forth. He doesn't text at all. And really isn't into too much social media either. We made dinner plans the next night. He picked me up like usual and he even told me he rearranged his work schedule so he could spend more time with me that night and not have to work early the next morning. We had a great time. He remembered all my friends names and my parents professions and stuff I had said about my sister. It was sweet. We talked all night and cuddled and kissed a lot. The problem with this new romance, he was moving away. Before he met me he planned to go to graduate school across the country. At this point we liked each other. He told me "it sucks im moving away" He reminded me that once a month he comes to my area for work so he was sure we would see each other. We made one more plan to see each other before he left. He told me he had a one hour work break one night to see me. When I got there he told me he rearranged his work schedule to spend hours with me instead of just one. I met him at a local café and we ate dessert and drank coffee. We talked and it was bittersweet. We kissed goodbye. That night we facebook chatted and talked about when he would be in my area for work again. He mentioned the weekend of June 28th and said "as of now I will definitely be seeing you that weekend" We talked about things we could do and places to see etc. It seemed so legit. We continued to facebook chat every night until the day he left. He was going on vacation with his family for a few weeks before his grad school started. The facebook messages then got more scarce and barren. He apologized up and down when he didn't answer me in a while and for being uncommunicative to me, he was just so busy. I tried to not be smothering and more understanding. He has been in grad school now for over a week. Last we talked was ten days ago. I know he is in a whole new place and everything but I am scared things seemed to have changed. It is now one day until June 28th (the day he was suppose to come) and I haven't heard anything from him about making a plan. I feel like since he is the one coming he should be contacting me about seeing me, if he wants to. I don't know what has happened for him to not want to see me. He seems to like me. Even when we do facebook chat, rarely now, he always asks how I am and hopes im doing well. But I have gotten nothing. I am trying to plan out my weekend but seem to be waiting on him. I like him so much and we seemed to be on a good path. My friends say he seemed to really like me too. He was consistent and did what he said up until now. My parents are even surprised because he seemed so truly genuine and nice. He was even trying to find me a job after I graduated and even put in phone calls for me. I feel like if he didn't move away we would be in or our way to a relationship. I am so sad and upset I haven't heard from him. Maybe he isn't coming after all, but it would have been nice for him to say something. Any advice or opinions?
Diezel Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Why is this happening? Isn't it obvious? He moved to a new place, probably doesn't want to deal with an LDR and knows that you like him enough that you'll stick around for a once a month deal. Here's my advice: Plan your weekend WITHOUT him and no matter what he says, you DON'T budge. If you two haven't talked for 10 days and he couldn't take just a few minutes to at least message you, obviously you aren't worth his time, so make sure that he isn't worth yours either. It's just a distance thing. You are probably better off this way. I bet that he contacts you this weekend if he has nothing better to do. Make sure you either don't or you let him know you are already busy. 5
preraph Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Are you positive he isn't married or committed to someone where he's moved to? Because he said he was going on vacation with his family. If he's much older than you, he may have women in every city he has to visit and a family of his own. You didn't mention his age, only your own. I wouldn't expect him to stay in contact on vacation especially since he told you already he'd be going. You go on vacation to forget about your everyday life and just have fun, not keep obligations. In general, men are very out of sight out of mind, and that is no joke. But my feeling is he'll show up at the last minute and expect you to rearrange your life to accommodate him as he has done a time or two. I wouldn't pester this guy with texts and emails regularly at all, but I see no reason not to just ask him if he's still planning on being in town and when.
Damaged217 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Listen to Diezel. This guy may have liked you a lot, but he obviously doesn't want to deal with a long-distance thing which is why he is pulling the slow fade away. If he wanted more, you would have heard from him more especially in regards to making plans for this weekend. Do NOT wait for him to see if he will be available. Make plans for this weekend as if he never existed. And if he ends up contacting you last minute, tell him you are very sorry but that you have plans. And, honestly, would you want a relationship where you only see the guy maybe once a month? LDRs are NOT easy. 1
Author amkxoxo Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all your responses. Its hard because it just seemed like fate that we met. The whole us meeting story was so ironic and he was like my knight in shining armor. He seems like such a good person and guy, especially for me. He always treated me with respect and was always a gentleman. We first kissed on the third date and he never pushed me or anything. It was a sweet mutual moment. He truly seemed to want to get to know me. He truly seemed to like me. Like I mentioned I am 22 and his age is 25. He definitely isn't married or anything. He went to college and graduated. He travels a lot. His parents are divorced and to me it seems like he never felt like he had a true home so travelling to him isn't a big deal, where I can't stand to be away from my family. He works a lot. More than anyone I know. He is very driven in his career like his parents seem to be. He is very lucky because he is a very smart driven person. His parents from what he said remind me that they never wanted children. He is the only one. They work all the time too and though they raised him to be a good person they seemed to leave him alone a lot when he was younger because their lives and careers were so important to them and he was almost second. They took good care of him, I'm not saying they didn't. So he met people to not be alone. He still seems to do the same thing now. He travels a lot and makes friends everywhere. Like I said he went to college near his family and then he went to go to grad school across the country in my area, but I didn't know him then. He dropped out because he did not like it and went somewhere else for a while. Then he had an opportunity to study abroad for a while for work. He came back from another country and took a job in the area where I was going to college. That's how I met him. He grew up and has family across the country from me and my college. But his new grad school is across the country from his family and from me. Its in the middle. Its such a random place that there's no way he knows anyone there. He said that my area is the best he has ever lived in and he wouldn't mind ending up there to live. Edited June 27, 2014 by amkxoxo
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I think unfortunately you have this fairy tale kind of dream in your head. This "it's like fate" kind of state of mind. Because he is moving, that might be why he didn't pursue. Might be too that he got to know you are realized he wasn't interested afterall. Keep in mind too that if you could see yourself in a LDR with this guy, he's probably not up for that, not with someone he basically just met. Either way, move on. If he reaches out, take it from there. 1
Diezel Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Stop living in the fairytale. It's not fate, and there is no Hollywood ending. Just be happy that it didn't progress further and that you aren't months down the line still wondering what happened. It's summer, go out and enjoy it with other people. Clearly "fate" wasn't enough to keep him interested. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 So since you said you are inexperienced with dating, I'm going to give you a big tip that you can use from now on. *ALWAYS, ALWAYS keep your life going and do not plan it around someone else. Right now you are essentially putting your life in a holding pattern and pinning your hopes and dreams on this guy. You can't do that because it causes an unbalanced thing where exactly what attracted him to you doesn't work anymore. And in meantime you miss out on other opportunities--both dating and otherwise. *As far as "fate" goes, take it with a grain, i mean GRAIN of salt. I'm not saying it doesn't exist BUT if it does, he will be back when the time is right and true fate will work out exactly as it should. You doing all the work and pining after the guy is not fate and becomes a vicious cycle where you want him and think you want him really only because of how he is built up in your mind and not what he is giving you in real life. *As far as give and take goes, best rule with dating so you don't get hurt and live more in the moment (and it's attractive to guys) is to GIVE WHAT YOU GET--not more. As someone above said, he hasn't made time and space for you this weekend, thus he's missed his opportunity, ie he didn't give much so he's not going to get much. If you see him when he has been distant and not eager to see you, then you are setting up a pattern in which he will continue to take you for granted. On top of that, in long run you will lose him because 9 times out of 10, people lose interest in the ones they can take for granted---especially guys. They fall in love with the ones that demand their respect with their actions--I hear this time after time after time. Think long term and perserving your self-respect when you are slighted and mistreated. If it's meant to be, he will come back. You can see in july after he's figured out he can't take you for granted--or 2 years from now when he's capable of being a great boyfriend and lives closer to you. At 22, especially if you believe he's your fate, you should take advantage and have some dating fun before you potentially get into something serious. *Don't make excuses for him or people. Conduct yourself well and expect others in your life to do the same. It doesn't matter the reason really. You will drive yourself crazy and go back and forth on your actions if you try to figure him out. Just do what YOU need to do in response to his actions. Right now, he has done nothing, so you do nothing with regards to him. Plan your own weekend and let him make next contact. Don't wait for it. Just go on with your life. When he does contact, evaluate at that time. *It's a reality that many guys are highly sensitive to "geographically undesirably". In other words, they aren't going to do it. Especially someone who is just starting grad school and has yet to begin his career. Just not where they are in life. While girls jump into the future and imagine that a guy is great and we are having so much fun, this is special and unique--trust me, guys have a great time in moment but haven't jumped far ahead at ALL. Maybe, possibly, to the next time he plans to see you. Girls should take a cue from guys and be more like them in this regard. Good luck. 2
littleplanet Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Thanks for all your responses. Its hard because it just seemed like fate that we met. The whole us meeting story was so ironic and he was like my knight in shining armor. He seems like such a good person and guy, especially for me. He always treated me with respect and was always a gentleman. We first kissed on the third date and he never pushed me or anything. It was a sweet mutual moment. He truly seemed to want to get to know me. He truly seemed to like me. Like I mentioned I am 22 and his age is 25. He definitely isn't married or anything. He went to college and graduated. He travels a lot. His parents are divorced and to me it seems like he never felt like he had a true home so travelling to him isn't a big deal, where I can't stand to be away from my family. He works a lot. More than anyone I know. He is very driven in his career like his parents seem to be. He is very lucky because he is a very smart driven person. His parents from what he said remind me that they never wanted children. He is the only one. They work all the time too and though they raised him to be a good person they seemed to leave him alone a lot when he was younger because their lives and careers were so important to them and he was almost second. They took good care of him, I'm not saying they didn't. So he met people to not be alone. He still seems to do the same thing now. He travels a lot and makes friends everywhere. Like I said he went to college near his family and then he went to go to grad school across the country in my area, but I didn't know him then. He dropped out because he did not like it and went somewhere else for a while. Then he had an opportunity to study abroad for a while for work. He came back from another country and took a job in the area where I was going to college. That's how I met him. He grew up and has family across the country from me and my college. But his new grad school is across the country from his family and from me. Its in the middle. Its such a random place that there's no way he knows anyone there. He said that my area is the best he has ever lived in and he wouldn't mind ending up there to live. Well OP, as you say, he is very career driven. And he also isn't much into social media. He loves to travel, makes friends easily (has good social skills) and comes from a background in which parents encouraged and supported his independence. Chances are that is naturally what he is - independent. All this means he will not probably be one who floods you with long distance contact. And on that note.....some people do not do long distance relationship well. While he lived close to you, he made the effort to arrange time to spend with you. But now the combination of distance and work responsibilites may change that. Also - you two had not reached a relationship point where it was effectively nailed down just exactly what you mean to each other. You can always send a simple message that you miss him, are thinking of him...........but I wouldn't belabour that point. See what comes back. And if nothing does.....then put it on the backburner and get on with your life. I get that (from what you describe) he is a wonderful person with admirable qualities. But for the time being, he is living in a different world. One final point: He doesn't sound to me like the kind of guy who would just 'string you along'. But if your intuition gives you that feeling, I'd be very careful. You're new at this, and don't need that kind of heartache out of the gate.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thanks again for the help. He is truly a nice guy. He doesn't remind me at all that he is a player or would try and hurt me. Though I am inexperienced I have dated guys who have hurt me, or guys who just want to use me, so I'm not stupid. The fact that he is career driven is so appealing to me. To me he is already very accomplished. He has done so much for his career already, but he is determined to do more. I am more sad that we didn't stand a chance. I wish we could have had more time to form something more, because I feel like we were a good match. I went through a really bad thing last year with a guy where I liked him a lot more than he liked me. I ended up chasing him a bit which I regret and he kept me around for 8 months with hopes of a commitment but never an actual one. It was a very emotional experience for me where I was left an empty shell of myself. It took a lot for me to be myself again. I feel like I finally am back to being me. I was so happy to meet this new guy because he was way more of a man than the loser who left me high and dry last year. He even intimidates me with his great career and life style. He makes me nervous because I see him as such a good catch. I need to be confident in myself. I am but I think I need to not lose myself in a boy. He treated me very nice. Better than any guy has treated me, but not over bearing. I have had guys super over bearing right away and into me when its too early and it turns me off. He was interested without being boring or a turn off. I have decided that I am not going to contact him. He should be coming to town and trying to see me. I shouldn't be giving in. I'm the girl. I don't need to chase someone. I did it last year and it left me crying every weekend. Never again. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Here's how to view it that will help since you listed a bunch of great qualities he has that you were looking forward to: YOU are putting him on the back burner. It doesn't have to mean never ever; just not right now based on what he has done. That could change in a week or a year. Just think of it as you now have some guy friend in your life who you flirt with and who knows down the road. If he is such a great guy, statistically it will be better to start dating a few years from now anyway if you think he's husband like material. Another note is that even good guys do exactly what he appears to be doing. It doesn't even reflect his level of interest in you necessarily because he isn't considering that. He lives far and is not in relationship mode. So keep him at a distance yourself, as a flirty friend until he offers you something more. Don't pine away for him or wait for him in any way. Another important tip that reflects on your experience with your guy last year AND this one currently is: DON'T TREAT ANYONE LIKE A BOYFRIEND, WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A BACKUP. In these cases, and same with grad school guy, if they take space, you take space; they lower your priority, you lower theirs. The ones that were truly interested in you usually come back at some point.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Thanks for the advice. The last post was very positive. I am trying to just focus on me for now I guess.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I still haven't heard one word from him at all. My mood is officially sad. Things like this affect me a lot. I get very emotional over it and I overthink everything. In the past I have even gone into a state of depression. Not official, but I was an empty shell of a person. I don't feel like I am going to be that bad this time. But I am a little shattered.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I still haven't heard one word from him at all. My mood is officially sad. Things like this affect me a lot. I get very emotional over it and I overthink everything. In the past I have even gone into a state of depression. Not official, but I was an empty shell of a person. I don't feel like I am going to be that bad this time. But I am a little shattered. It's ok to be sad about it. I think it's healthy to feel those emotions because it then makes it easier to move on. Bottling them up and pretending everything is okay when it's not only delays that process. However, don't allow it to disrupt your daily life too much. Don't give him or those bad feelings so much power. But he's now showed you where his priorities are. They don't match yours. You can now start to get on with your life.
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