[H's sex drive up and down] I don't expect pity.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

So, I haven't been on this forum in a long time. My last posts regarded sex issues and unfortunately, these issues are up and down.

 

Just when I think that my husbands sex drive has improved and all is well, we go through a very strange period where he doesn't want me AT ALL. All of my advances receive a rejection or I am laughed at. When we DO have sex, he seems okay and then suddenly loses his erection. It's very disheartening. I don't even feel like having sex anymore for fear of that terrible feeling where he just ... stops.

 

Is this erectile dysfunction? We never had this issue before. He has no problems getting it up but when he is about to come, sometimes it just disappears and it takes a great deal of focus for us to continue. Of course at that point it's not an enjoyable experience anymore.

 

I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this countless times and his answers are as follows: stress, physical problems like headaches, or he just worries about it.

 

What I am writing here for is because I am afraid that if this continues, I may cheat on him to satiate my own needs.

 

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to do it. But each time this happens I feel disgusting and undesirable. I know I am good at sex, I go out of my way to please him but he just doesn't want it. I'm not unattractive either!

 

I've thought about it before, but I don't think I'd even go through with it if the opportunity came.

 

So - please. Tell me about your experiences. Tell me about the aftermath of an affair, tell me everything I need to hear. We have been married for two years now - is this a normal thing that occurs?

 

I appreciate your time. Please be kind.

[2sunny]

Does he take ANY medication? Drugs? Alcohol? It affects the libido and ability to perform...

[thekid36]

So, I haven't been on this forum in a long time. My last posts regarded sex issues and unfortunately, these issues are up and down.

 

Just when I think that my husbands sex drive has improved and all is well, we go through a very strange period where he doesn't want me AT ALL. All of my advances receive a rejection or I am laughed at. When we DO have sex, he seems okay and then suddenly loses his erection. It's very disheartening. I don't even feel like having sex anymore for fear of that terrible feeling where he just ... stops.

 

Is this erectile dysfunction? We never had this issue before. He has no problems getting it up but when he is about to come, sometimes it just disappears and it takes a great deal of focus for us to continue. Of course at that point it's not an enjoyable experience anymore.

 

I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this countless times and his answers are as follows: stress, physical problems like headaches, or he just worries about it.

 

What I am writing here for is because I am afraid that if this continues, I may cheat on him to satiate my own needs.

 

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to do it. But each time this happens I feel disgusting and undesirable. I know I am good at sex, I go out of my way to please him but he just doesn't want it. I'm not unattractive either!

 

I've thought about it before, but I don't think I'd even go through with it if the opportunity came.

 

So - please. Tell me about your experiences. Tell me about the aftermath of an affair, tell me everything I need to hear. We have been married for two years now - is this a normal thing that occurs?

 

I appreciate your time. Please be kind.

 

First of all, welcome back to the forums! This place exists for people to get advice. Time well spent is always worth it. So, hopefully you will get some useful sentiments!

 

So, I am a little worried that he laughs at you while the rejections occur to be honest. Not sure if that is the most normal reaction. That has nothing to do with any kind of medical issue which may be going on.

 

Second, I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I can totally see how you would be turned off to sex with him at this point. Can absolutely relate to how you would have the want to have better experiences. Being that sex is something you want to enjoy.

 

Please do not feel badly for having desires. Don't dismiss them to please someone else. I have a rather high libido for a male and struggled with this during the time I was with my ex. I know what you mean, I think in some general ways. You don't want to cheat, but also have acute desires which are not being met. Not an easy thing to go through. I never cheated but it did cause me a lot of inner stress.

 

There really is no normal, per-se. But, what is important here is that you are not being satisfied sexually. It sounds as if there could be other issues going on besides just within the bedroom. Ones that could be having a totally negative effect. But, you know him better than us and would have a better hunch about this.

 

Do you miss the touching and intimacy more or is it specifically the enjoyment of the act?

[atreides]

Stop! Drop the issue for a while... the more you make his erections an issue it will keep becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more he thinks about it, the more it will happen... period.

 

You are also over analyzing. why must a loss erection mean you are undesirable or that he does not want you? By simply trying to have sex with you, he is interested and finds you attractive. You are putting him on the defensive and then he as you have said will just quit for a while because it is embarrassing for him. Enjoy yourself, have him go down on you or give him oral and if he does not hold it... move on to another position where he can then pleasure you. Make him feel like he is satisfying you.

 

What i find disturbing is your quick desire to cheat as an answer rather than if it really is an issue he can go to the doctor or take a pill, there are so many variables that you did not list that have been tried but you are willing to cheat... huh???

 

I will reiterate, a loss of an erection has nothing to do with how desirable you are or if you are good or bad with sex, they do not equate. If it were that he just would not initiate or even try.. that is another story but his dry spells are likely because he does not want to be embarrassed.

[HermioneG]

Gently, have you considered the possibility that he is actively cheating?

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

2sunny

No, he does not.

 

thekid36

First of all, THANK YOU for understanding and not being quick to judge.

The laughing is more of a chuckling, he uses them to brush me off. Pass off my advances as something 'cute' or 'funny.' I have never liked that he does that and have told him about it but it's just a habit of his, I guess.

 

It's more that I miss him wanting to have sex with me. The mere wanting to. It's only enjoyable when he wants to. If we have sex and he's only doing it to please me, it isn't very passionate and it's obvious that he's not into it.

 

atreides

Woah, hold on there. I understand that that is not the reason he loses his erections, however that is how it makes me feel. It's not a controllable feeling that I get. I should have been more clear about that.

 

So I make him feel he is satisfying me, when he is not?

 

It isn't exactly a 'quick desire' as this has been going on for over a year now. We have sex maybe once a month, and when I was pregnant - not at all. I have never said I was willing to cheat! Just because the thought has crossed my mind does not mean I am even CLOSE to performing the act. I am just in need of some support, some wise words to steer me away from those thoughts.

 

HermioneG

Honestly the thought has crossed my mind. Last month he made a few last-minute plans near the end of his shift and was out for several hours - completely out of character for him to do. But I trust him and what he said he was doing.

Two months ago he started grooming himself more, which is also a strange thing for him to do. It was around the same time he felt threatened by a male that was making advances towards me (advances I did not reciprocate) and he said that it was just his reaction to his insecurities.

 

However, he comes home every night, hangs out with me, doesn't text anyone much. No odd behavior there.

[underwater2010]

Depending on his age....it could be normal. And yes stress is a factor....just as is it to women. It is very humiliating to a man.

 

All that aside, they have adult stores that provide all the necessary objects youn eed to reach orgasism. Is it the same as great sex with a partner....no. But maybe it is what you need to spice up the marriage. He can sit back and watch.

 

Whatever you do....DO NOT CHEAT. It will just magnify whatever else is wrong with your marriage.

[thekid36]

2sunny

No, he does not.

 

thekid36

First of all, THANK YOU for understanding and not being quick to judge.

The laughing is more of a chuckling, he uses them to brush me off. Pass off my advances as something 'cute' or 'funny.' I have never liked that he does that and have told him about it but it's just a habit of his, I guess.

 

It's more that I miss him wanting to have sex with me. The mere wanting to. It's only enjoyable when he wants to. If we have sex and he's only doing it to please me, it isn't very passionate and it's obvious that he's not into it.

 

atreides

Woah, hold on there. I understand that that is not the reason he loses his erections, however that is how it makes me feel. It's not a controllable feeling that I get. I should have been more clear about that.

 

So I make him feel he is satisfying me, when he is not?

 

It isn't exactly a 'quick desire' as this has been going on for over a year now. We have sex maybe once a month, and when I was pregnant - not at all. I have never said I was willing to cheat! Just because the thought has crossed my mind does not mean I am even CLOSE to performing the act. I am just in need of some support, some wise words to steer me away from those thoughts.

 

HermioneG

Honestly the thought has crossed my mind. Last month he made a few last-minute plans near the end of his shift and was out for several hours - completely out of character for him to do. But I trust him and what he said he was doing.

Two months ago he started grooming himself more, which is also a strange thing for him to do. It was around the same time he felt threatened by a male that was making advances towards me (advances I did not reciprocate) and he said that it was just his reaction to his insecurities.

 

However, he comes home every night, hangs out with me, doesn't text anyone much. No odd behavior there.

 

 

 

None of us really have the right to wear a robe to be the judge for everyone and during every situation. This is because none of us are perfect. I am the furthest damn thing from it!

 

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding about the laughing. Still sort of a concern that he seems to be brushing away your thoughts so easily. Just because they do not make sense to him does not make them any less important. A habit does not have to last forever.

 

 

When in a situation with not enough satisfying sex, the main options might be to try to make it better and compromise, forget your desires, or cheat on the person. It sounds as if you are struggling with that last one. Even if you have thought about it. Which suggests that you do care about this man.

 

 

With my situation, I tried to compromise but to no avail. There was no way I was going to cheat. Even when basically having what was a free pass. No chance was I going to compromise my own needs. Yes, his needs are important, but so are yours!

 

 

I had to honestly get very creative. During the rest of the time that I was with her.

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

underwater2010

He is against me buying a vibrator or toy of any kind. He says it will cheapen our relationship and that I won't want him anymore.

I disagree and might buy one anyway. What else can I do?

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

What did you do creatively?

That is my only option. Talking about it helps temporarily but hasn't solved anything thus far. He's against me buying toys for myself.

[LostOnes05]

He should definitely get checked for low testosterone. His laughing might be a defense mechanism because he is worried about losing his erection. You should keep an eye out for cheating just in case. But yea it is a bit selfish of him if he isn't pleasing you and doesn't want you to add something that could help. Relationship is compromise!

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

He should definitely get checked for low testosterone. His laughing might be a defense mechanism because he is worried about losing his erection. You should keep an eye out for cheating just in case. But yea it is a bit selfish of him if he isn't pleasing you and doesn't want you to add something that could help. Relationship is compromise!

 

He probably also doesn't know how else to say no. :/ I thought of the low testosterone as well but I'm also afraid to bring that up. He hates doctors and won't even go in when there's something seriously wrong with him.

 

Nervous laugh perhaps?

 

Not feeling confident - perhaps because of reasons you don't understand (and which may, or may not, be related to you).

 

Toys and such would then be a reason to feel less confident.

 

Empathy, understanding and, above all, communication might be in order.

 

You feel put upon when he loses his erection? OK. Ever wondered how he feels?

 

Craigslist. Hmmm...

 

I would suggest you re-read (carefully) the post by atreides.

 

Oh, we've discussed how he feels. But me bringing it up makes him feel bad and I don't want to constantly bring it up and make him feel worse. Which is why I'm here. Support is greatly appreciated.

 

He did raise good points. Making him feel confident and relaxed when we have sex is key here, I just don't know how. What do I do when he loses his erection and continue to make him feel confident?

 

Or what I do here is basically drop it as if it's not even an issue?

 

'craigslist'? what?

[whichwayisup]

So, I haven't been on this forum in a long time. My last posts regarded sex issues and unfortunately, these issues are up and down.

 

Just when I think that my husbands sex drive has improved and all is well, we go through a very strange period where he doesn't want me AT ALL. All of my advances receive a rejection or I am laughed at. When we DO have sex, he seems okay and then suddenly loses his erection. It's very disheartening. I don't even feel like having sex anymore for fear of that terrible feeling where he just ... stops.

 

Is this erectile dysfunction? We never had this issue before. He has no problems getting it up but when he is about to come, sometimes it just disappears and it takes a great deal of focus for us to continue. Of course at that point it's not an enjoyable experience anymore.

 

I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this countless times and his answers are as follows: stress, physical problems like headaches, or he just worries about it.

 

What I am writing here for is because I am afraid that if this continues, I may cheat on him to satiate my own needs.

 

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to do it. But each time this happens I feel disgusting and undesirable. I know I am good at sex, I go out of my way to please him but he just doesn't want it. I'm not unattractive either!

 

I've thought about it before, but I don't think I'd even go through with it if the opportunity came.

 

So - please. Tell me about your experiences. Tell me about the aftermath of an affair, tell me everything I need to hear. We have been married for two years now - is this a normal thing that occurs?

 

I appreciate your time. Please be kind.

 

Outside of the bedroom how does he treat you? Is he in love with you? Make you feel special and needed?

 

Don't cheat. Incorporate sex toys into your sex, be honest and open about it with him.

 

Has he been checked out by his Dr to make sure everything is okay?

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

I think/find it useful to read background posts before I respond - that's all. Tangential.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/435055-normal-expected

 

Okay so do you have any substantial advice? Anything other than 'read someone else's comment again'?

 

I am not here because I want to be judged by anyone. Be kind.

[thekid36]

What did you do creatively?

That is my only option. Talking about it helps temporarily but hasn't solved anything thus far. He's against me buying toys for myself.

 

You just have to figure out what works best for you. You are the HL in this situation from what it sounds like. He cannot keep up with you at this point in time. No matter what the actual reasons are. Those definitely need to be addressed as well.

 

The thing is that he should not have to be forced. Nor, should you need to give up your own sex drive.

 

Personally, I decided to pen some erotica. I wrote down a whole bunch of things I wanted to try. Sure, not the same as actual contact. Yet, also better than nothing as well. Another thing which I did is read a whole bunch. Still not as intimate as the actual sex. But, with the alternative of nothing, it worked for me. This does not mean that these things will work for you, of course.

 

Please keep in mind that all of this is based on the fact that cheating was not an option for me and that I tried many times to compromise and talk it out. When life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade, so to speak.

[MidwestUSA]

underwater2010

He is against me buying a vibrator or toy of any kind. He says it will cheapen our relationship and that I won't want him anymore.

I disagree and might buy one anyway. What else can I do?

Buy one. Let him watch you use it. It's ridiculous that he thinks a cheap (or not so cheap!) piece of plastic or poly can cheapen a relationship. It's all about being comfortable with yourself, your abilities, and with each other. It sounds like his confidence is shot, and he's too stubborn to admit it. Therefore, he kicks it back to you by laughing at you.

 

 

He really needs to see a doc for possible low T, or he could be entering the ED zone. He doesn't like doctors, he's against vibrators - is he closed minded about other aspects of your relationship? Is he controlling?

 

 

Wishing you the best, don't resort to cheating until you've given this some thought. Didn't you just have your baby (like a year or two ago)?

[atreides]

 

atreides

Woah, hold on there. I understand that that is not the reason he loses his erections, however that is how it makes me feel. It's not a controllable feeling that I get. I should have been more clear about that.

 

So I make him feel he is satisfying me, when he is not?

 

It isn't exactly a 'quick desire' as this has been going on for over a year now. We have sex maybe once a month, and when I was pregnant - not at all. I have never said I was willing to cheat! Just because the thought has crossed my mind does not mean I am even CLOSE to performing the act. I am just in need of some support, some wise words to steer me away from those thoughts.

 

My text came on strong but my tone was more based on the vibe i got from your text and not to berate you, it was more about responding to what i perceive as a catch22 in a constant loop.

 

If you were to understand truly, then your feelings should follow. But your post did ask questions, questions of normalcy like ED for example.

Let me give an example of my own, when my wife took antidepressants she was very cold... and i had to learn and feel passed the obstacle because i knew deep down she wanted to be with me. When she got off them of course things improved... but there are times she may not be AS into it but I cannot over analyze my feelings if the intent at least to have sex is clearly there while the performance may lack. He likely initiates far less because he is embarrassed about going limp again and probably saves himself the humiliation, you then feed off of this with how you feel about it and the circle goes round and round.

 

You spoke about using a toy later in this thread as an option, one that is viable but where the reciprocation in that... what i am getting at is your "feelings" you speak of. I had stated to have your husband perhaps go down on you for example or pleasure you in another way which would then get you excited... you replied

So I make him feel he is satisfying me, when he is not?

so a toy will do this for the context at hand... ?? In other words he goes into limp noodle mode but he still has a tongue or fingers, why not get pleasure from that as well? I guess what i don't understand is that you are not willing or at least i have not read so to go that route but go the route of a toy. I am not against toys at all my wife and I use toys but using it as a non-emotional feedback for your sexual satiation in which you are looking for that kind of feedback from your H comes off a little contradictory to me.

 

You used

I may cheat on him to satiate my own needs.

 

I just don't understand why thoughts for now that you may not act upon as you stated are even considered.... it made me curious as you listed noting else as an alternative or perhaps you have tried many things and not listed them thus I would have more to go off of. It makes me feel there is more to it as to why you would have those thoughts.

 

My point mainly is to not force upon him his erection issues as it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and to not give up. He clearly has sex once in a while which is a good sign this can be overcome and to stop what i perceive as a bad cycle of wrongly felt feelings feeding bad feelings.

Edited June 27, 2014 by atreides

[JitteryCoffeeBean]

atriedes

I understand where you're coming from and you have a lot of good points.

 

The reason I didn't list other alternatives is because we have already gone through them - I should have listed them. I suggested a doctor but he doesn't think it has anything to do with his T. It's hard to keep pointing him in the way of a doctor.

Yes - we do oral. That is not the issue here however. While I'd like a toy, I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. He's made it clear he's uncomfortable with me getting one. He's used toys in his past and said no good comes from them.

 

I was seeking help to steer me away from those thoughts because they had started popping up in my mind, so I can keep my distance from them. I do not want to cheat on my husband.

 

Thank you for your advice. I will keep what you say in mind.

 

-

 

Thank you all for your support. I spoke with him last night and he told me something he's never mentioned before. The reason he has so much trouble now is because he gets too excited too quickly and is afraid of ejaculating inside (we don't use condoms, birth control pills have messed me up in the past). Before our son he would ejaculate multiple times without me knowing. So now, while we aren't ready for another baby, he has to be extra careful. He was too embarrassed to admit this being the issue.

 

I imagine our options are me finding a brand of bcp that doesn't make me depressed or mess up my hormones - or a way for us to work around the issue like me giving him oral several times during intercourse.

Edited June 27, 2014 by JitteryCoffeeBean