mourning a lot of losses

[tornapart2002]

In the last 11 months I have lost a lot.

 

I lost the dream of what marriage would be for me.

 

I lost the idea of romance and true love.

 

I lost confidence.

 

I lost self esteem.

 

I lost a business I worked very hard to build when the MOW's BH started to try to pull me into their drama by contacting me through my business.

 

I lost my ability to share my photography work, an important creative outlet for me.

 

I think it's only hitting me now how much I've lost.

 

I'm not yet sure what I will gain.

 

I have gained an absolute inability to trust -- anyone.

 

I've gained a knowledge that I don't need my husband to survive in life.

 

I've gained a knowledge of who my real friends/family were and are (my husband's sister cut me out of the family on DDay...as if I was the one who cheated and I have other friends who treat me like the plague because of all this and stopped talking to me).

 

I guess today I'm just mourning a lot of losses and it's hitting me very hard.

[tornapart2002]

I wouldn't mind if this whiney post was deleted or closed. Geesh. I just need to watch a comedy and get off this forum for a bit...

[Red123]

Your post isn't whiny it's reality for a lot of people. Some of us are grieving some of the same losses as you and feel similar. I know I have days where I feel I have lost so much from this and others where I can see what I have gained. Even though the gains are good the loss is always present. I hope your weekend is better than your week has been. Mine started brutally but is on the rise. Take care.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't mind if this whiney post was deleted or closed. Geesh. I just need to watch a comedy and get off this forum for a bit...

 

You are kind hearted and caring person. Those who have abandoned you and cut you out (sis in law) shame on them!

 

Hugs and I hope tomorrow brings a better day.

[jnel921]

Stop focusing on what you think you've lost.... in the end you actually find the one true love that is important....you!

[amaysngrace]

Dude, it's in the valleys that we grow!!!

[gettingstronger]

I hear you- I think when we dwell on that type of stuff it consumes us- I have lost all of that as well and when I think about it I feel helpless-

 

None of it is fair and I did nothing to deserve it- I was/am not perfect but I deserved honesty and faithfulness- I gave it, I deserved it in return-

 

All of that being said-its the hand I have been dealt so I have to find a way to deal with it-not always easy, but necessary-

 

Hope you are feeling better today-

[Trustnoone]

I wouldn't mind if this whiney post was deleted or closed. Geesh. I just need to watch a comedy and get off this forum for a bit...

 

Tornapart2002

 

I am so sorry for your losses and pain. Reading your posts and seeing your pain reminded me of myself at times. I am so sorry you were thrown into the fire. However, you handled yourself with dignity and pride, I wish I could say the same. While I agree with you that humor helps to cope in times where we struggle I hope you are able to smile and laugh each day. Though this may seem hard to do most of the time it can be achieved. I myself am a night owl. I will think back to times where I was happy and slowly a smile will crawl across my face. I choose to smile and laugh each day even when I don't think it's possible. But it happens, in interactions at work or running errands. I long for the day where I have these interactions at home, maybe like you do.

 

You deserve happiness after all you have been through. I can't even fathom losing what you have and still being strong. I couldn't have done it. So stay strong and smile, for the laughter will come when you least expect it.

[Clay]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. Try to remember you did not bring this on your self. Its not your fault your H cheated on you. There really is nothing wrong with you. Now it is your job to protect you. I hope you really focus on taking care of yourself more now.

 

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in all the negative things. Try to focus on the good things. Your stronger and more aware now than you have ever been. Your making changes in your life even if that means he is no longer in it.

 

Cherish the friends and family that stuck by your side. The people that did not just be polite and tell them to stay way. Your husband sister is going to be a difficult person to deal with as long as you are with him. I personally would never let them get the best of me. I would smile and walk away. You proved to be the better person here. You don't need there approval. You are not the one that Cheated. Its a flaw in him and from the sounds like it might be in his family as well if they are taking that stance.

 

I am sorry you are having a bad week. Remember your not alone there are other people here that have been through it and can give you great advice.

 

One thing that really helped me through it was my kids. They were happier than they had ever been. Kicking my xW out turned out to be the best thing I ever did for them and myself.

 

 

Clay

[compulsivedancer]

I wouldn't mind if this whiney post was deleted or closed. Geesh. I just need to watch a comedy and get off this forum for a bit...

 

If you want it deleted, use the alert button to contact moderation.

[Live_with_regrets]

I'm truly sorry for your losses. This will only make you stronger in the end. You will learn to trust again but this time you will be more aware and in tune with yourself.

 

 

Did you leave your husband or did he leave you?

[sweet_pea]

Sending you lots of hugs!!! I have been where you are, I think most of us have.

[tornapart2002]

Thank you for the responses. Trying to take a break from here for a bit so not ignoring anyone, just trying to walk away for a bit.

 

My mom says she's certain I have PTSD, which I think is only for veterans of war or someone whose relative tragically died in front of them or something similarly horrible, but my mom says it's any event that threatens your safety, makes you feel helpless, and essentially "rocks your world." So I'm researching that and it appears she might be right.

 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Symptoms, Treatment and Self-Help

 

I don't like saying that because, again, I feel it's reserved for really traumatic experiences. i don't know how to explain it, but I guess I just feel I should be stronger and not see this as such a life altering thing, as dumb as that may sound.

 

My therapist doesn't treat this has PTSD in some ways. Last time she point blank told me if I don't stop being paranoid that my husband is going to do this again thatI'm going blow it all. In other words, "Get over it and move forward already." Not her exact words, but the impression I get from her. She'll say things like "Why are you even going back to these worries?" or "Why do you even care about..." name it, she doesn't get it. It seems if she was a real counselor, she'd, you know...get it.

 

I'm supposed to meet with her this next week, but I'm thinking I may take a break for a bit. The last appointment left a bad taste in my mouth, even if I know she's right in some ways.

[tornapart2002]

If you want it deleted, use the alert button to contact moderation.

 

 

Good idea if I had known I could do this, but now i have some nice comments that i hate to have deleted. Someone else could benefit from them down the line too. I just need to remember not to post on my worst days.

[Red123]

You can post on your worst days or your best. Whenever you want. That's what it's here for. Take care and I think maybe you should look at a new counsellor if that's the treatment your receiving. You can feel anyway you want and it sounds like she doesn't get it.

[amaysngrace]

Are you still married to your husband?

 

I'm not a counselor but if I were I'd tell you to separate from him because a lot of what you're experiencing is because of his actions. You need to focus only on you right now and that's hard to do when you have to see him every day.

 

He's not the person you fell in love with anyway. And finding this out now is hurting who you still are. If you thought you were compatible when you first got married you need to know you aren't compatible now.

 

You deserve somebody who respects you. He doesn't.

 

And now may be the perfect time to work on getting some of your self respect back that he has stripped you of.

 

Screw his sister too. Her loyalty lies with her brother and that's good and fine but truly that says more about her than it says about you. She is not your friend.

 

You need positive supportive people in your life right now. Ones who will listen to you and not tell you to simply get over it.

 

And no offense to your mom but it's not the best thing for her to be diagnosing you with a mental illness.

 

I'm sure that she means well but you don't need more to think about, since you have plenty on your plate already.

 

It's really no wonder why you feel the way you do but you cannot count on other people to understand where you're coming from if they aren't equipped to handle it. Some are and many are not.

 

But right now your first priority is keeping yourself safe. Emotionally that is. If your husband makes you feel unsafe which it sounds like he does then you need to remove yourself from him.

 

Don't open up to people that don't make you feel safe either. It will only make you feel misunderstood.

 

You need to learn to trust yourself again. You trusted him and he shattered that for you.

 

If something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable trust that feeling and do what is necessary for you to get safe.

 

And please look for a new counselor. She sounds like an ass.

[revelations]

((((Tornapart2002))))

I hate to tell you this, you may be suffering from PTSD. I am no doctor, however I have been around enough people with PTSD to recognize the signs of it. The truth is that being cheated on is a traumatic event in a persons life. Most people will say that it is worse than dealing with a loved one dying. I know myself that after being cheated on a few times and in some very cruel ways that it is far more traumatic to me than when I watched my mother die. PTSD comes out in many ways, sometimes it is being paranoid, sometimes nightmares, usually hypervigilance is a major symptom of PTSD. Just know that PTSD is not a bad thing, it is actually your brain trying to protect you. The trouble with PTSD is that your brain is overreacting to a perceived threat before it figures out if the threat is really their.

 

I also want you to know that it is okay to mourn your losses. However now is the perfect time to do some house cleaning and feel better about yourself. First off dump those people from your life that do no support you. The friends or family that have treated you like crap after you have been treated on, these are the people that need to go. If a person keeps telling you that your a piece of crap, eventually anyone will believe it. So clean house and get these people out of your life. Trust me this goes a long ways to improving your own self-esteem. The thing with infidelity is that your WH had all the fun and stuck you with the bill. Now by staying with him (correct me if I am wrong about you staying with him) it effects your self-esteem and your trust in yourself. Let's face it, in the back of your mind you feel that you have let yourself down by not protecting yourself. However by clearing out these other people you can at least feel a little better because you know you can and have take action to protect yourself.

 

Take back up the hobbies that you enjoyed or discover new ones. This is always a great way to keep a mind busy. Just remember that things like a business can be built again. I have had two businesses and lost both myself, so rebuilding can be done. Yes you have lost a lot and that sucks, just don't let that past define your future. The things that you gain from it are experiences that help shape future decisions that you make. You will be more selective if you decide to divorce and be with another man. You will have more compassion if that other man has been cheated on. Even if you stay with your WH you will not close your eyes to the red flags. You will see if you have a true friend or just a fair weather friend. These type of insights are usually only gain through painful experiences like you have had. So yes you have lost a lot, however you are also gaining a lot. Some of these things that you have gain may take you a little time to learn how to use, however you will learn. Just remember that in times like this were it seems like we have lost everything, usually there are new opportunities that open up to us. The trick is to keep your eye open for that new opportunity and be willing to change for the better. So hang in their, I'm in your corner.

[tornapart2002]

thank you.

 

I'm digesting this now.

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this in such a nice way.

 

I agree about the people in my life. IT's why my sister-in-law is gone. It's made complicated that I have nieces who I don't want to feel like I'm pushig them out, but they haven't tried to contact me in over 9 months, so they could really care less about me at this point.

 

My husband and I are still together.

 

((((Tornapart2002))))

I hate to tell you this, you may be suffering from PTSD. I am no doctor, however I have been around enough people with PTSD to recognize the signs of it. The truth is that being cheated on is a traumatic event in a persons life. Most people will say that it is worse than dealing with a loved one dying. I know myself that after being cheated on a few times and in some very cruel ways that it is far more traumatic to me than when I watched my mother die. PTSD comes out in many ways, sometimes it is being paranoid, sometimes nightmares, usually hypervigilance is a major symptom of PTSD. Just know that PTSD is not a bad thing, it is actually your brain trying to protect you. The trouble with PTSD is that your brain is overreacting to a perceived threat before it figures out if the threat is really their.

 

I also want you to know that it is okay to mourn your losses. However now is the perfect time to do some house cleaning and feel better about yourself. First off dump those people from your life that do no support you. The friends or family that have treated you like crap after you have been treated on, these are the people that need to go. If a person keeps telling you that your a piece of crap, eventually anyone will believe it. So clean house and get these people out of your life. Trust me this goes a long ways to improving your own self-esteem. The thing with infidelity is that your WH had all the fun and stuck you with the bill. Now by staying with him (correct me if I am wrong about you staying with him) it effects your self-esteem and your trust in yourself. Let's face it, in the back of your mind you feel that you have let yourself down by not protecting yourself. However by clearing out these other people you can at least feel a little better because you know you can and have take action to protect yourself.

 

Take back up the hobbies that you enjoyed or discover new ones. This is always a great way to keep a mind busy. Just remember that things like a business can be built again. I have had two businesses and lost both myself, so rebuilding can be done. Yes you have lost a lot and that sucks, just don't let that past define your future. The things that you gain from it are experiences that help shape future decisions that you make. You will be more selective if you decide to divorce and be with another man. You will have more compassion if that other man has been cheated on. Even if you stay with your WH you will not close your eyes to the red flags. You will see if you have a true friend or just a fair weather friend. These type of insights are usually only gain through painful experiences like you have had. So yes you have lost a lot, however you are also gaining a lot. Some of these things that you have gain may take you a little time to learn how to use, however you will learn. Just remember that in times like this were it seems like we have lost everything, usually there are new opportunities that open up to us. The trick is to keep your eye open for that new opportunity and be willing to change for the better. So hang in their, I'm in your corner.

[Clay]

Torn,

 

How are you doing today? I hope things are going better for you.

 

Clay

[tornapart2002]

I snorted at the comment about my mom.

 

If you knew the woman, you'd know what she said to me took her a long time to say because she stresses about adding more stress on me all the time.

 

It's OK, because you don't know her, but I almost laughed outloud when I read that. she had read something completely unrelated on day and told me so I wouldn't feel like I am nuts or have to hurryup and heal. She has been my biggest support this whole time.

 

Thank you, by the way, for your comments.

 

Are you still married to your husband?

 

I'm not a counselor but if I were I'd tell you to separate from him because a lot of what you're experiencing is because of his actions. You need to focus only on you right now and that's hard to do when you have to see him every day.

 

He's not the person you fell in love with anyway. And finding this out now is hurting who you still are. If you thought you were compatible when you first got married you need to know you aren't compatible now.

 

You deserve somebody who respects you. He doesn't.

 

And now may be the perfect time to work on getting some of your self respect back that he has stripped you of.

 

Screw his sister too. Her loyalty lies with her brother and that's good and fine but truly that says more about her than it says about you. She is not your friend.

 

You need positive supportive people in your life right now. Ones who will listen to you and not tell you to simply get over it.

 

And no offense to your mom but it's not the best thing for her to be diagnosing you with a mental illness.

 

I'm sure that she means well but you don't need more to think about, since you have plenty on your plate already.

 

It's really no wonder why you feel the way you do but you cannot count on other people to understand where you're coming from if they aren't equipped to handle it. Some are and many are not.

 

But right now your first priority is keeping yourself safe. Emotionally that is. If your husband makes you feel unsafe which it sounds like he does then you need to remove yourself from him.

 

Don't open up to people that don't make you feel safe either. It will only make you feel misunderstood.

 

You need to learn to trust yourself again. You trusted him and he shattered that for you.

 

If something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable trust that feeling and do what is necessary for you to get safe.

 

And please look for a new counselor. She sounds like an ass.

[tornapart2002]

Torn,

 

How are you doing today? I hope things are going better for you.

 

Clay

 

It's a little bit better today.

 

Hubby and I had a good conversation last night on the way home from my parents.

 

I'll have to comment on that later, but for now, I'm hanging in there.

 

I just have to break the habit of wanting to keep an eye on the FOW when she hasn't been a factor in months.

[Jonah]

All that and my sanity. it was so embarrassing that I couldn't talk about it at all for many years.tried rug sweeping on reconciliation and the wheels fell back off almost immediately. Keep posting.