somedude81 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 When the priest says, "If there is any reason why these two should not be wed, speak up now or forever hold your peace" that's your cue to tell her how you feel. Women love that drama. Then you two can run out of the church together. 7
Author Coup La-La Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Its never ok to interfere inanyones relationship because of your own feelings. Its selfish and causes more harm then good, always. I'm selfish because I don't want to have regret for the rest of my life? I'm selfish because I don't want to see another one of my friends get divorced? Let me remind people here: I have prevented other female friends from getting married/engaged before, this is just the only one where I have an addition motivation. I can't count on one hand the amount of bad relationships I spoken out against, and how many potential divorces I've prevented. The catholic church should give me an award (even though I'm Lutheran, lol) Part of me wish you do come out and tell her how you feel. It will create drama and hopefully you will be out of the picture. This attitude that you have that only you, Yoda, sees the truth behind this marriage needs to stop. 12 years, yeah.. if something should have happened, it would have. I personally think you're just jealous and attracted to her because she's getting married. IDK why you have to be so mean about it! Why would you wish misfortune on someone you don't know just because you don't agree with my assessment? I'm not a mean person, I don't want to hurt anybody, that is NOT my goal. Granted it may have the temporary collateral damage of her fiance being upset, but in the long run he would be better off, nobody should marry anyone that isn't in love with them. (Not to mention that my friend has told many of our mutual friends that this guy is absolute garbage in bed). As I said earlier, my last GF and I were friends for 20+ years before we got together, and unlike this girl and I we have lived closed to each other the whole time. Sometimes the nature of relationships change, my dad was in the "friend zone" for more than 5 years before my mom was willing to go out with him. And I have been attracted to her this whole time, now that I am old enough to see first hand how destructive a force regret is, I am willing to do what it takes to avoid it. Crying about a woman 7 years after the fact, like my cousin did, just doesn't sound like my cup of tea.
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Alright, seriously, what is the point of this thread? You clearly have your mind made up. Why do you need the stamp of approval or disapproval from a bunch of internet strangers? Just go and do the deed already and spare yourself all the explanations on an internet forum. Good god, do you need me to hold your hand too while you go and act like a "superhero" by saving everyone from their terrible fates? Point of this thread is that he needs validation to do something he knows is wrong. That's pretty basic. 2
Diezel Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Point of this thread is that he needs validation to do something he knows is wrong. That's pretty basic. I know that, but does he? 1
amaysngrace Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 When the priest says, "If there is any reason why these two should not be wed, speak up now or forever hold your peace" that's your cue to tell her how you feel. Women love that drama. Then you two can run out of the church together. ...and ride off into the sunset.... You forgot that part.
spiderowl Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 It's up to you at the end of the day. I think I'd find it of concern that this girl is flirting madly with another guy while with her fiance. I hope she doesn't do that to you in future if you get together.
Kitchen Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 and just to be clear and to answer the question: Its never ok to interfere inanyones relationship because of your own feelings. Its selfish and causes more harm then good, always. Let her do what she needs to and if you feel like you do, if she becomes single you will be there. Causes harm for who? For him? I agree with that. He should be prepared to deal with consequences, which include (but are not limited to) the end of a 12 year friendship. But I don't think that's what you meant. You meant that since he is "interfering" with her relationship, it may cause "harm" to her relationship. Let me say this. If the girl and her fiance are truly in love, truly trust each other, are meant to be, etc., then his saying this shouldn't change a thing about the relationship, because that's how strong their connection is. Now if he makes a move and the girl leaves the fiance for him, did he really harm the relationship, or was it doomed to begin with? If you're willing to leave your fiance for someone else a few weeks before the wedding, you can't blame that someone else. Obviously your relationship was weak to begin with. Obviously you don't truly love and aren't truly meant to be with the person you are about to marry. OP, Only you know whether this is the right thing to do. Worry about yourself. If you think that you are meant to be with this girl, and she TRULY has feelings for you, and is not just being flirtatious, than make the move. The risk to you is that you get rejected, and she goes on and marries this guy, and your heart gets broken. Also, your friendship would be over. However, there are too many divorces in this country. And from what you've said, she's only been seeing him for 10 weeks or so. It's not impossible to think that she might not want the fiance. It's not impossible to fathom that she might be settling because she thinks she can't do any better. So what does your gut tell you? Follow your gut.
Author Coup La-La Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Causes harm for who? For him? I agree with that. He should be prepared to deal with consequences, which include (but are not limited to) the end of a 12 year friendship. But I don't think that's what you meant. You meant that since he is "interfering" with her relationship, it may cause "harm" to her relationship. Let me say this. If the girl and her fiance are truly in love, truly trust each other, are meant to be, etc., then his saying this shouldn't change a thing about the relationship, because that's how strong their connection is. Now if he makes a move and the girl leaves the fiance for him, did he really harm the relationship, or was it doomed to begin with? If you're willing to leave your fiance for someone else a few weeks before the wedding, you can't blame that someone else. Obviously your relationship was weak to begin with. Obviously you don't truly love and aren't truly meant to be with the person you are about to marry. OP, Only you know whether this is the right thing to do. Worry about yourself. If you think that you are meant to be with this girl, and she TRULY has feelings for you, and is not just being flirtatious, than make the move. The risk to you is that you get rejected, and she goes on and marries this guy, and your heart gets broken. Also, your friendship would be over. However, there are too many divorces in this country. And from what you've said, she's only been seeing him for 10 weeks or so. It's not impossible to think that she might not want the fiance. It's not impossible to fathom that she might be settling because she thinks she can't do any better. So what does your gut tell you? Follow your gut. Thanks, that is by far the most objective and practical thing on this thread. I'm going out with her tomorrow, and I'll tell you guys how it went 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) Causes harm for who? For him? I agree with that. He should be prepared to deal with consequences, which include (but are not limited to) the end of a 12 year friendship. But I don't think that's what you meant. You meant that since he is "interfering" with her relationship, it may cause "harm" to her relationship. Let me say this. If the girl and her fiance are truly in love, truly trust each other, are meant to be, etc., then his saying this shouldn't change a thing about the relationship, because that's how strong their connection is. Now if he makes a move and the girl leaves the fiance for him, did he really harm the relationship, or was it doomed to begin with? If you're willing to leave your fiance for someone else a few weeks before the wedding, you can't blame that someone else. Obviously your relationship was weak to begin with. Obviously you don't truly love and aren't truly meant to be with the person you are about to marry. OP, Only you know whether this is the right thing to do. Worry about yourself. If you think that you are meant to be with this girl, and she TRULY has feelings for you, and is not just being flirtatious, than make the move. The risk to you is that you get rejected, and she goes on and marries this guy, and your heart gets broken. Also, your friendship would be over. However, there are too many divorces in this country. And from what you've said, she's only been seeing him for 10 weeks or so. It's not impossible to think that she might not want the fiance. It's not impossible to fathom that she might be settling because she thinks she can't do any better. So what does your gut tell you? Follow your gut. It harms everyone involved except for maybe him. It harms the families involved, the friends, the GUY who thinks this girl loves him, it harms her because it puts her in a position that NO ONE should be put in, and so on. It can be justified every way you want to justify it, but to me, if someone is in a relationship, whether it is marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, etc. its never ok to step in and steal someone away. Much like you said, I said the same thing, she knows how he feels already, and if she wanted to end the engagement she would and should do it on her own. How many times on this forum, or in talks with your friends has it not been ok when someone has been hurt because they were dumped out of the blue because someone "better" came along? Yet now, its ok for him to interfere with an engagement because he is finally single? Where was this profession before he and his last girl broke up? If she was the one, why not end if with the last girlfriend and profess this undying love he had instead of waiting for his last relationship to end before doing anything about it? Edited June 28, 2014 by DArtagnan2 1
Kitchen Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) It harms everyone involved except for maybe him. It harms the families involved, the friends, the GUY who thinks this girl loves him, it harms her because it puts her in a position that NO ONE should be put in, and so on. So you are saying that if she dumps her bf for him, it harms the bf who "thinks this girl loves him". So let me ask you, would it not harm him if she went on for another year, 2 years, 5 years while he would be "thinking she loves him"? What you are pretty much saying is "he thinks she loves him, even though she doesn't, but it's too painful to rip that band aid off, so let's just keep the relationship going." Really? It puts her in a position that no one should be put in? I've been in that position before. I've had a gf once and another beautiful girl asked me out on a date. It was not a difficult position to be in at all. I was flattered, and later my gf and I had a laugh over it. I don't see what's so bad about being in that position. And really, you are saying it'll harm their families to break the engagement, and that's a reason why he shouldn't do it? Last time I checked, I will be marrying my fiance and not her family, and vice versa. It can be justified every way you want to justify it, but to me, if someone is in a relationship, whether it is marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, etc. its never ok to step in and steal someone away. Once again I will say this. There is no woman on the planet who has the power to "steal" me away from my girlfriend. If I leave my girlfriend because another woman tells me she loves me, than I was never truly meant to be with my girlfriend. Much like you said, I said the same thing, she knows how he feels already, and if she wanted to end the engagement she would and should do it on her own. Sure, but people do settle. It happens for all sorts of reasons: insecurity, familial pressure, money, etc. All wrong reasons to get married. He's just going to tell her he likes her and wants to be with her. If she says yes to him, than we know that her marriage would not be built on a solid foundation. Better for the fiance to not have to go through a marriage like that. Better to not go through all together. How many times on this forum, or in talks with your friends has it not been ok when someone has been hurt because they were dumped out of the blue because someone "better" came along? Yet now, its ok for him to interfere with an engagement because he is finally single? Those people who dumped their bfs/gfs out of the blue didn't fall out of love overnight. It was either long in the making, or they didn't love to begin with. Either way those relationships are best not existing. Re: him interfering. I know I've said it over and over, but I'll say it again in a different way: If my girlfriend goes out with her friends and a handsome guy hits on her, grinds with her, gets her #, gets her drunk, and she complies to all of this, who do I blame? The handsome man for following his natural urge or my gf? I most certainly would blame my gf, she chose to go along with it. People hit on my gf all the time, and not only in bars. She turns them down left and right. I honestly don't care if other guys hit on her. Yes, I would get annoyed if those guys know that she's taken. But at the end of the day, a third party is not responsible for making or breaking my relationship. Only my gf and I hold that responsibility. Much like this, if this girl and her fiance have a solid foundation (like they should), then this guy's advance will mean NOTHING to them. However if the girl complies and there is a breakup, then they weren't meant to be in the first place. You can't blame the OP. You should blame the girl for going on with this relationship that she clearly wasn't into. And to some extent, the fiance might deserve some blame for being naive. (thought idk anything about this individual case). Edited June 28, 2014 by Kitchen
Kitchen Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Thanks, that is by far the most objective and practical thing on this thread. I'm going out with her tomorrow, and I'll tell you guys how it went No problem. Let us know. Best of luck.
Author Coup La-La Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Well everyone after much contemplation I finally told my friend how I feel about her, and I can say that there's some Good new and some Bad news The Good News:After I told her that I love her, her first reaction was "what took you so long to tell me?" Apparently she had felt the same way about me for some time now. We had dinner, got drunk and had sex, and I can say it was definitely worth the wait. The Bad News:In a post coital confession, she admitted to me that my intuition was right, she is NOT in love with her fiance, but she's going to marry him anyway, because she can't marry the man she actually does love (me) and he's the next best thing. Why can't she marry me? Because I'm not white, so her family would most likely turn their back on her, apparently they take the book of Mormon seriously where it said that dark skin is a curse from God. Thus explaining why after 12 years she never said anything to me outright! So she and I will continue to be friends, and who knows, maybe she and I will have sex again, but I am forced to move on Humorously, after she told me the truth all I could say to myself is that I'm glad Mitt Romney lost!!!!
Joaquin Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Why did you have sex with her while she was engaged to another man? 1
scooby-philly Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I read through a lot of the comments - and please let me know if I missed one - but I didn't see anyone mention the fact that the poster acknowledged up front that he recently went through a breakup himself. That factor needs to be considered above all others. As some folks pointed out, in 12 years she hasn't shown this before? Is she this way with other people? In 12 years he's just getting feelings now? I've known people that long and every time I've had a situation like this - not on the eve of wedding per se but imaging something romantic with someone - I've caught myself saying either I'm lonely, or it's just lust, etc. My point being that he's possibly still reeling from his own break up and now sees her in a new light for a brief period of time because he's hurt. I don't know if that's true, but that has to be taken into account. Plus, he's not said much about the groom - how long/much does he know about him? How much does he see them around each other? I do agree that you have to speak your mind and that it's not a selfish thing - but the reason has to be right. Look, an ex-fiancee dumped me 5 days before the wedding because I had made a decision to leave a full-time gig that was literally grinding me to death and for a bachelor party that got out of hand - with none of my friends standing up for me in the process. So, I did learn the hard way that it is true - I'm glad we didn't end up together because I saw a very different side of her and also I finally realized I was more in love with her - actually vastly more in love with her, than she was with me. In this guy's case I think he needs to cool it for a 2-3 weeks. She may be simply getting nervous, she may have other issues going on in her life right now, she may even just be flirty and he may be just emotionally unstable. If they're still there in two weeks I'd like to hear him say he talked it out with some mutual friends and explain how well he knows them as a couple
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