Is it ok to breakup an engagement?

[J21]

If she breaks off her engagement because I told her how I feel, I think that is reflective of their relationship not being that strong. Think of it like this: wouldn't you want to know that the person you're engaged to is committed to you? Would you want to marry someone who would leave you 10 weeks before the wedding? When my parents got engaged 2 men from my mom's past came back to ask her to be with them instead, and she didn't care because she was sure about what she was doing and how she felt about my father.

 

Maybe you don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel. When I was 9 my cousin got drunk and explained to me how sad he is that he let "her" get away, that was the first time I ever saw I grown man cry, I didn't understand then, but I understand now. And why would I want to end up like him?

 

Whether the marriage succeeds or not IS my concern if I have the ability to stop it and potentially save all 3 of us from a terrible fate. Save her from a life of boredom and mediocrity, save him from being with a woman who clearly doesn't love him, and save myself from missing out on what could "the one" because like I said, nobody has ever made me feel the way she has. She's like an undiscovered Beatles recording being bonded to a deaf person who can never fully appreciate what he has.

 

And I think your judgement is over harsh. I'm not saying that this is that hot girl from high school that I always wanted to sleep with, I'm saying that I love this girl. Maybe you can say that I'm not being smart, but you're going way too far to cast me as a bad person.

 

Don't tell me I'm harsh because I'm being honest. You are an a-hole to think you're justified breaking off someone's engagement because you feel it would be your "regret".

 

If you're gonna regret anything, regret the fact you knew this person for 12 years and didn't do anything about. All of a sudden, since she's getting hitched, you're justifying going for this hail mary pass.

 

"I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE! PLUS IT'LL BE A GOOD THING SINCE IT'S TESTING HER LOVE!"

 

Don't try and play the hero here, "ability to stop it and potentially save all 3 of us from a terrible fate". Wow. Gimme a break. You are absolutely delusional to think so grandiose of yourself.

 

I've known a female friend of mine for almost 12 years now, I've had a crush on her the whole time but she never gave me any indication that she felt the same way....

 

 

Your title for the 12 years has always been "friend". There is a reason for that.

Edited June 27, 2014 by J21

[soccerrprp]

You're in love with this girl...

 

OOOH, Elle, don't give the OP this much credit.

[Coup La-La]

If you don't tell her it won't be as dramatic as you're making it out to be. But you seem to really want to tell her, so I think you should and please come back and tell us how it turns out. I'm not being facetious either. Either way life will continue and none of you will suffer a "horrible fate":rolleyes:, but I would be curious to know how telling came out.

 

It very well can be a horrible fate, I've seen divorce permanently turn nice people into mean people, not to mention that my cousin that married down and settled in her choice of a husband is nowhere as happy as when she was with the guy that she truly loved. And I notice that nobody on here has any concern for what happens to me, there is a very good chance that I won't feel that way about anyone else, I'm not getting any younger.

[Coup La-La]

Don't tell me I'm harsh because I'm being honest. You are an a-hole to think you're justified breaking off someone's engagement because you feel it would be your "regret".

 

If you're gonna regret anything, regret the fact you knew this person for 12 years and didn't do anything about. All of a sudden, since she's getting hitched, you're justifying going for this hail mary pass.

 

"I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE! PLUS IT'LL BE A GOOD THING SINCE IT'S TESTING HER LOVE!"

 

Don't try and play the hero here, "ability to stop it and potentially save all 3 of us from a terrible fate". Wow. Gimme a break. You are absolutely delusional to think so grandiose of yourself.

 

Your title for the 12 years has always been "friend". There is a reason for that.

 

You have yet to address the fact: If she is willing to break off an engagement, why is that a reflection on ME and not on the relationship? Not to mention that district999 is right, I probably don;t have anything to lose anyway. I have never been a jealous person, but if my Girlfriend interacted with another man the way my friend was interacting with me, I would not be comfortable with them hanging out or communication literally every day (as we do)

 

The reason why we have always been friends is that we have never both been single at the same time, and we didn't live in the same city in 8 years. If I thought that her change in attitude over the last year was a fluke I would've just let it go, but she is just not acting the same, I'm not the only one who has noticed it.

 

and I really don't get your need to insult me, it sounds like this is personal to you. did your fiance leave you for an friend?? That's the only reason I could come up with such strong put downs towards someone who is pouring their heart out.

[amaysngrace]

You need to flirt with her back to see how she really feels about you. A lot if times women are just teasing men.

 

Flirt heavy with her and then see how she reacts. My guess is she'll get shy real quick.

[MissBee]

It very well can be a horrible fate, I've seen divorce permanently turn nice people into mean people, not to mention that my cousin that married down and settled in her choice of a husband is nowhere as happy as when she was with the guy that she truly loved. And I notice that nobody on here has any concern for what happens to me, there is a very good chance that I won't feel that way about anyone else, I'm not getting any younger.

 

Ahhh okay....

 

And if she doesn't feel that way about you once you tell her life is over?

 

And say she does feel the same and say you both date and marry and divorce? Life is over?

 

Or date for a while and she breaks it off with you? Horrible fate then too?

 

It's not that dramatic. It really isn't. No one wants divorce but it happens and people move forward.

 

You act like telling her will for sure accomplish what you think it will when it could very well not...and if it doesn't THEN WHAT? You're gonna lay down and die to your horrible fate? It's all too melodramatic for me but please do tell her and report back.

[LostOnes05]

Don't do it bro. How would you feel if you were the fiancé and some guy did that to you? That's pretty low. If you had 12 years and it didn't happen what makes you think she will realize in the next 10 weeks that you are the guy for her? And honestly, would you want to be with someone that breaks off a commitment like that on a fleeting feeling? I don't think so. In fact, I think you would be devastated. Be smart...actions have consequences and if you follow thru with that, the joke could be on you.

[MissBee]

You have yet to address the fact: If she is willing to break off an engagement, why is that a reflection on ME and not on the relationship? Not to mention that district999 is right, I probably don;t have anything to lose anyway. I have never been a jealous person, but if my Girlfriend interacted with another man the way my friend was interacting with me, I would not be comfortable with them hanging out or communication literally every day (as we do)

 

The reason why we have always been friends is that we have never both been single at the same time, and we didn't live in the same city in 8 years. If I thought that her change in attitude over the last year was a fluke I would've just let it go, but she is just not acting the same, I'm not the only one who has noticed it.

 

and I really don't get your need to insult me, it sounds like this is personal to you. did your fiance leave you for an friend?? That's the only reason I could come up with such strong put downs towards someone who is pouring their heart out.

 

This doesn't make sense. If you two really liked each other all along, why would you need to be single at the same time?? She is ENGAGED now and you're hellbent on confessing your feelings...so you still aren't single at the same time...so how come at other points when she was just dating and NOT ENGAGED you didn't tell her or she you?

 

Two people who secretly are in love and are friends don't need to be single at the same time....if they've known each other for 12 years and are friends, one or both would admit their feelings over the course of more than a decade and they would avoid getting into relationships with other people. It's not that complicated.

[FitChick]

It seems to be rather common that one of a couple might get cold feet and want to cheat before the wedding, figuring this is their last chance to have sex with someone else. I think this is where she is coming from.

[Blade96]

if they've known each other for 12 years and are friends, one or both would admit their feelings over the course of more than a decade" -

 

Been there done that, I have a guy friend I've been friends with more than 12 years. I thought it'd be awesome to date him because we have so much in common. So I confessed and he said he just saw me as a friend. Know what? We stayed friends. and when he found a girl, I was so happy and supportive. We're still friends.

 

I agree that something would have happened over more than 12 years if meant to be. A confession, anything. from you or her. Since it didn't, she found someone else. Even if you do think the guy's scum (and be honest, is he really scum or is jealousy showing through?) you can't break up someon'e wedding. She has to do that on her own. Be her friend. And if things turn out as you predict, then you can be there for her as a good friend should because she's your FRIEND.

[ja123]

After 12 years of being her friend, if she were interested you would've known and made a move. Trust me, if it didn't happen in the 12 years you've known her, it's not happening now.

 

 

 

 

This ^^^^^^^^^^^

[Coup La-La]

if they've known each other for 12 years and are friends, one or both would admit their feelings over the course of more than a decade" -

 

I agree that something would have happened over more than 12 years if meant to be. A confession, anything. from you or her. Since it didn't, she found someone else. Even if you do think the guy's scum (and be honest, is he really scum or is jealousy showing through?) you can't break up someon'e wedding. She has to do that on her own. Be her friend. And if things turn out as you predict, then you can be there for her as a good friend should because she's your FRIEND.

 

The assumption that something would've come up over 12 years goes a bit far. My last girlfriend and I were friends for more than 20 years before we started dating, she was a divorcee who also became a mean person after going through a divorce to someone that was wasn't right for her, and just like this situation I kept my mouth shut and let her march off a cliff when she got married, after we started dating she confessed to me that deep down inside she knew that she was making a mistake by marrying that man, and that if I had told her how I felt she would've broken it off immediately.

 

And why can't I break up a wedding? Why should I value her fiance's superficial interest of being married for the sake of being married, over mine of genuinely loving her? I can guarantee you that he wouldn't do the same for me! He's not my friend, or family member, or even coworker, he's some random guy who happens to be engaged to my friend because he came across at an opportune time. And as I said before, her behavior towards me started changing before she got together with this guy.

 

And YES this guy is really bad. He makes all of our mutual friends uncomfortable, two of our friends call him "the pedophile". He's inappropriate with his social interactions with people he doesn't know, and he's a mouse of a man! Everyone says that he is incredibly intimated by me, which is why he barely speaks in my presence, his body language towards me is almost like he's afraid of me, sorta like someone who is trying to avoid the prison yard bully.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know bro. Sounds to me like you're jealous of him by the way you and your buddies talk crap on him behind his back.

 

Sounds like something that'd be your insecurity, not his.

 

As far as him not giving you the time of day...how would YOU treat a guy who wanted to get in YOUR fiancée's pants?

[Coup La-La]

I don't know bro. Sounds to me like you're jealous of him by the way you and your buddies talk crap on him behind his back.

 

Sounds like something that'd be your insecurity, not his.

 

As far as him not giving you the time of day...how would YOU treat a guy who wanted to get in YOUR fiancée's pants?

 

I don't speak ill of him to other people, in fact I am the only one in our group of friends that doesn't trash him constantly. This is the first time I said how I feel, and this is only because of the anonymity of the internet.

 

And I am not insecure about him. What I'm insecure about is my own future, because as I said in an earlier comment, I don't want to be like my cousin who was crying about the one who got away 7 years after the fact.

 

And if some guy were trying to sleep with my fiance, I would be able to look them in the eye and speak like an adult to an adult. His tone and body language aren't derived from anger, anger makes people feel powerful. His mannerism comes from the fact that 1) He is socially awkward 2) He knows that his fiance and her friends are a lot smarter and more cultured than he is. We all met in an international school for American expatriates. I say that a humbly as possible, some people on this thread have accused me of being selfish and/or short sided, but that is a matter of opinion, my friend's fiance not being her or her friends intellectual equal is an objective fact.

[District999]

It sounds to me like you're just looking for someone to play devil's advocate. Look, it appears as though you have feelings for this girl, I don't think anyone can argue with that. I just think that you're doing yourself a disservice, you're going to psyche yourself out if you read all these posts from the A-holes who think that they have the moral high ground. Stop debating with people on loveshack and start practicing what you're going to say to her. If you believe that you have to save her and yourself from a terrible fate, don't you owe it to yourself to be the best you can be?

 

If this girl loves you she will make the right decision, and if she loves herself she will dump this guy. But the important thing is that no matter what she decided to do, date you, keep you in the friend zone, or sleep with you and then change her mind, YOU HAVE TO BE ALRIGHT WITH YOU! Your happiness shouldn't be based on one person, if she is too blind to see that you are the better match, then SHE is the one who will have to live with the consequences of her decision.

 

There are 3.5 Billion women in the world, I don't care how many countries you've lived in, there is no way you have met all of them.

[Diezel]

(Disclaimer: I haven't read any other posts/responses)

 

So let me get this straight, you want this girl to break it up with her fiancée to come with you just because you have no better options at the time?

 

And what happens if you do get together? You can see yourself marrying this girl? What happens if you two get engaged, will you be starting to wonder if she'll break it up with another guy like she did the last time?

 

This relationship - both hers and the guys and yours with her sounds like a landmine. And you are about to step on it.

 

I would NEVER consider a woman willing to break an engagement with someone to come over with me... any potential marriage material. It speaks VOLUMES of her "character".

 

If you are okay engaging this woman as a potential LTR prospect, then by all means, go for it... but don't say you were never warned.

[preraph]

Women who are securely in love with someone often feel that since they are clearly taken and operating from a "safe" zone, they can be more open with men they know crush on them because they assume the guy now knows it won't go any further. If she was interested really, she wouldn't have gotten engaged to another guy. Also, women happily in love, often exude happiness and sexuality and that may be mistaken for interested when who they're interested in is their mate.

[DArtagnan2]

My guess is, if she wanted to be with you, regardless if you were dating someone or not, she wouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place.

 

Another guess would be that if her feelings for you were strong enough, once she found out you were single she would have taken a step back from her fiance / stopped the engagement.

 

You mention your friend of 20 years saying how she would have jumped right then and there. Where did that land you two when you both were single after her marriage ended? I only ask because it was a fleeting moment and when the "talk" came, you two did not end up together. Same possibility here.

 

Unless your friend agreed to marriage for other reasons like money or security, then it doesn't seem like what you say will stop the marriage because if she really wanted you or anyone else other then this dude she is marrying, she would end it herself regardless.

 

let it and her go. If you two are meant to be, you will be.

[Coup La-La]

Women who are securely in love with someone often feel that since they are clearly taken and operating from a "safe" zone, they can be more open with men they know crush on them because they assume the guy now knows it won't go any further. If she was interested really, she wouldn't have gotten engaged to another guy. Also, women happily in love, often exude happiness and sexuality and that may be mistaken for interested when who they're interested in is their mate.

 

She was getting flirty with me when she was single, this isn't something that has developed since she started dating this guy. And as I said before, it's obvious that she is marrying this guy because she feels like she's getting old, she's the only one among her siblings and cousins that isn't married with kids. I was dating someone else until recently, I couldn't expect her to sit around and wait for me to break up with my GF. Especially since we were living in different cities for most of it.

[DArtagnan2]

, it's obvious that she is marrying this guy because she feels like she's getting old, she's the only one among her siblings and cousins that isn't married with kids.

 

Obvious to you or others is something that can often be that way because of what you think or feel, not what is actually reality.

 

If she says that is the reason, then fair enough, but if you are assuming that she "obviously' is doing this because of whatever, it is projection and assumptions which often lead to a non-reality.

[DArtagnan2]

and just to be clear and to answer the question:

 

Its never ok to interfere inanyones relationship because of your own feelings. Its selfish and causes more harm then good, always.

 

Let her do what she needs to and if you feel like you do, if she becomes single you will be there.

[Elle1975]

This is .. unreal.

 

Part of me wish you do come out and tell her how you feel. It will create drama and hopefully you will be out of the picture.

 

This attitude that you have that only you, Yoda, sees the truth behind this marriage needs to stop. 12 years, yeah.. if something should have happened, it would have.

 

I personally think you're just jealous and attracted to her because she's getting married.

 

Anyway, good luck I suppose.

[Coup La-La]

My guess is, if she wanted to be with you, regardless if you were dating someone or not, she wouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place.

 

Another guess would be that if her feelings for you were strong enough, once she found out you were single she would have taken a step back from her fiance / stopped the engagement.

 

You mention your friend of 20 years saying how she would have jumped right then and there. Where did that land you two when you both were single after her marriage ended? I only ask because it was a fleeting moment and when the "talk" came, you two did not end up together. Same possibility here.

 

Is it really realistic to expect her to break off an engagement when I've only been single for 3 weeks, and my EX-girlfriend dropped hints that she was going to try to get back together. Especially since she knew that my ex and I had known each other since we were children.

 

My relationship with my friend of 20+ years wasn't a fleeting moment, we were together for 3 years! We didn't end up together because of the emotional baggage left behind after her marriage, baggage that she might not have had if I had spoken up when it counted.

 

And every relationship has the possibility of ending, so that's not a good argument at all

[Diezel]

Alright, seriously, what is the point of this thread?

 

You clearly have your mind made up. Why do you need the stamp of approval or disapproval from a bunch of internet strangers?

 

Just go and do the deed already and spare yourself all the explanations on an internet forum. Good god, do you need me to hold your hand too while you go and act like a "superhero" by saving everyone from their terrible fates?

[District999]

Even though Diezel is an A-hole, I agree with him in principle, you are spending too much energy concerned with the opinions of strangers. We don't know this girl, we don't know the entire situation, she very well could be eagerly awaiting your intervention, but you're never going to know until you say something. And from your description it sounds like she isn't really into this guy, every woman I know is obsessed with eery detail of their wedding.

 

And don't let anyone on here psyche you out, I think it sounds like you have genuine feelings for this girl. If you love someone you don't watch idly by while they mess up their own lives.

 

Stop consulting fools about whether what you're doing is right, and consult yourself on how you are going to do what you owe it to yourself to do