Is it ok to breakup an engagement?

[Coup La-La]

I've known a female friend of mine for almost 12 years now, I've had a crush on her the whole time but she never gave me any indication that she felt the same way....until a year ago when she started showing signs of her feelings changing, but I was dating someone else at the time.

 

Since then she has got engaged and I have broke up with the girl I was with before. I just saw her a few days ago and she was even more flirtatious than before, touching me constantly and making subtle innuendos i,e, she said 5 times in less than an hour "you know I could never say no to you". She didn't even alter her behavior when she was around her fiance, she didn't even look in his direction.

 

I could definitely imagine marrying this girl, she and I have a lot in common. I also get the feeling that she is just marrying this guy because she feels that she's getting on in years. So should I tell her how I feel? Should I risk a 12+ year relationship? She is supposed to get married in 10 weeks, should I at least tell her not to marry this guy? He isn't very smart, isn't very good looking, he's broke and makes all of our mutual friends feel uncomfortable.

[Dallers]

I've known a female friend of mine for almost 12 years now, I've had a crush on her the whole time but she never gave me any indication that she felt the same way....until a year ago when she started showing signs of her feelings changing, but I was dating someone else at the time.

 

Since then she has got engaged and I have broke up with the girl I was with before. I just saw her a few days ago and she was even more flirtatious than before, touching me constantly and making subtle innuendos i,e, she said 5 times in less than an hour "you know I could never say no to you". She didn't even alter her behavior when she was around her fiance, she didn't even look in his direction.

 

I could definitely imagine marrying this girl, she and I have a lot in common. I also get the feeling that she is just marrying this guy because she feels that she's getting on in years. So should I tell her how I feel? Should I risk a 12+ year relationship? She is supposed to get married in 10 weeks, should I at least tell her not to marry this guy? He isn't very smart, isn't very good looking, he's broke and makes all of our mutual friends feel uncomfortable.

 

Normally this kind of thing is because of the thrill of the chase. Once she breaks it off and then ends up with you and that thrill goes. Then the reality settles in and you are stuck with someone who is a terrible potential partner as she could quite easily do to you what she did to him.

 

Think with your brain, not your genitals.

[d0nnivain]

Better you tell her now then after she's married.

 

Personally I'd keep my mouth shut but if you must say anything sooner rather than later.

 

BTW, your timing sucks 10 weeks out from a wedding she gets $0 back on her deposits.

[Assasda]

I hope you tell her those things.

Because it'll just let her run farther away from you.

 

I especially hope you try to bad mouth the guy.

[marcjb]

I could definitely imagine marrying this girl

Really? Apparently you're not imagining what it will be like if you actually did manage to break the engagement, she is with you, then starts doing the same exact thing with another guy while she is with you.

 

By the way, your post also serves as an excellent example of why men and women can't be just friends.

[soccerrprp]

A "slightly" different point of view, but is there genuine CONCERN or DANGER for her to marry this guy? From you AND others?

 

Anyway, this type of questioning on my part would be more relevant if it came from an objective FRIEND w/o an agenda, but you clearly have a selfish one.

[Coup La-La]

Better you tell her now then after she's married.

 

BTW, your timing sucks 10 weeks out from a wedding she gets $0 back on her deposits.

 

That's the thing about it, she has spent very little $ on it, and when anyone asks her about the wedding she shows an almost complete disinterest, she's like a Bridezilla in 180 degree reverse.

[Coup La-La]

Really? Apparently you're not imagining what it will be like if you actually did manage to break the engagement, she is with you, then starts doing the same exact thing with another guy while she is with you.

 

By the way, your post also serves as an excellent example of why men and women can't be just friends.

 

I understand what you're saying about not trusting her, but they got engaged after they had only been dating for 11 weeks. She reminds me of my cousin who was in a similar situation but ended up marrying a man she clearly wasn't in love with because the man that she did love wouldn't give her a ring.

 

Oh, and I have a great many female friends that I have never had any interest in being more than platonic with. The idea that men and women can't be friends is a myth created in Victorian times.

[d0nnivain]

That's the thing about it, she has spent very little $ on it, and when anyone asks her about the wedding she shows an almost complete disinterest, she's like a Bridezilla in 180 degree reverse.

 

That doesn't justify you being a home wrecker.

 

Then again she may do the right thing.

 

About a week before his wedding my high school crush showed up at my house -- which was a bigger deal then it sounds like because he traveled over 500 miles to do that.

 

He asked me to tell him that I loved him & if I said that he wouldn't go through with it. I was floored. I had adored this guy for 8 years at that point. Every fiber of my being wanted to launch myself into his arms. Instead I said, the fact that you're here tells me you have reservations. If they are more cold feet, don't get married. If you don't go through with it. come see next month. I wasn't invited to the wedding because his then FI didn't like me even though we never met. They got married & will celebrate 25 years together this summer.

[J21]

If she breaks it off on her own, then fine, fair game.

 

But for you to throw a wrench in it is foul play. Karma will get back on you.

[marcjb]

I understand what you're saying about not trusting her, but they got engaged after they had only been dating for 11 weeks. She reminds me of my cousin who was in a similar situation but ended up marrying a man she clearly wasn't in love with because the man that she did love wouldn't give her a ring.

 

Oh, and I have a great many female friends that I have never had any interest in being more than platonic with. The idea that men and women can't be friends is a myth created in Victorian times.

 

Right, and that's why you made a post about one of them...

 

A friendship is not platonic if there are feelings from either person. It's not just about anything physical.

[Elle1975]

How did you go from she's flirtatious to "she would break her engagement for me"? Some people are flirtatious, doesn't mean promiscuous, especially if it doesn't bother her fiance.

 

Leave them alone. This is not one of those chick flick movies where you get to snatch the bride.

[soccerrprp]

 

Leave them alone. This is not one of those chick flick movies where you get to snatch the bride.

 

Ha ha. I was thinking this too:p

[MissBee]

How did you go from she's flirtatious to "she would break her engagement for me"? Some people are flirtatious, doesn't mean promiscuous, especially if it doesn't bother her fiance.

 

Leave them alone. This is not one of those chick flick movies where you get to snatch the bride.

 

I agree.

 

You're going on flirting and "signs" that her feelings changed and not anything solid. I was expecting you to say she confessed that she had feelings for you, or that she has been texting and calling you and expressing doubts about her relationship and how much she likes you...but none of these things have happened. You're going on flirting and her saying she could never say no to you and other "signs", but I imagine nothing concrete. As Elle said, some people are just very flirtatious and especially if their partner is okay with it, that's how they roll. It doesn't mean they genuinely want you or are willing to leave their relationship because of flirting.

 

I would leave it alone frankly. You haven't anything solid to go on so I'd let it be and not possibly ruin your friendship based on reading the wrong signals or over estimating what her flirting means.

[Coup La-La]

How did you go from she's flirtatious to "she would break her engagement for me"? Some people are flirtatious, doesn't mean promiscuous, especially if it doesn't bother her fiance.

 

Leave them alone. This is not one of those chick flick movies where you get to snatch the bride.

 

Well when we parted company last she did kiss me on the mouth and said "goodbye lover", I'm not saying that any one thing can cause me to jump to a conclusion, but all the evidence put together suggests that I'm not over-extrapolating. Even our mutual friends say that she is much more happy and social when I'm around.

 

And yes I have to take responsibility, I should have said something before. But we are where we are NOW.

 

Even if she doesn't share my feelings I have an ethical dilemma watching her march off a cliff, if I were going to marry someone that people didn't even feel comfortable sitting at the same table as them, I would hope my friends would say something to me. I have other female friends that I have never had any interest in that I have dissuaded from dating certain people also. Frankly I think that's the reason why I didn't say anything about him before, because part of her knows how I feel.

[J21]

Ethical dilemma my @$$.

 

You had a crush on her, you're seeing her getting married, and you *think* she's marrying the wrong person. No offense, but you are believing what you want to believe.

 

After 12 years of being her friend, if she were interested you would've known and made a move. Trust me, if it didn't happen in the 12 years you've known her, it's not happening now.

 

Let your wild imagination of being a home wrecker die down because you are getting carried away in all honesty.

[Elle1975]

Well when we parted company last she did kiss me on the mouth and said "goodbye lover", I'm not saying that any one thing can cause me to jump to a conclusion, but all the evidence put together suggests that I'm not over-extrapolating. Even our mutual friends say that she is much more happy and social when I'm around.

 

And yes I have to take responsibility, I should have said something before. But we are where we are NOW.

 

Even if she doesn't share my feelings I have an ethical dilemma watching her march off a cliff, if I were going to marry someone that people didn't even feel comfortable sitting at the same table as them, I would hope my friends would say something to me. I have other female friends that I have never had any interest in that I have dissuaded from dating certain people also. Frankly I think that's the reason why I didn't say anything about him before, because part of her knows how I feel.

 

You're in love with this girl and trying to wreck her upcoming marriage.

 

She is an adult. She can take her own grown up decisions. What a friend you are alright..

 

And because she is an adult, if she decides she has feelings for you, she'll let you know. Otherwise, step aside.

[notserene]

The only person who should break this engagement is the bride to be. So far, she hasn't done that. Until she does that of her own accord, without any influence from you, leave this alone. Right now you have only speculation to go on.

[Coup La-La]

I agree.

 

You're going on flirting and "signs" that her feelings changed and not anything solid. I was expecting you to say she confessed that she had feelings for you, or that she has been texting and calling you and expressing doubts about her relationship and how much she likes you...but none of these things have happened.

 

Well she shared many many Freudian clues about feeling unsure about her decision. Not only is she completely disinterested in anything related to the wedding, she has shared with me her recurring dreams of disaster and misfortune on her wedding day, and she kept reconfirming with me "if you didn't like my fiance, you would tell me RIGHT". On top of the fact that her Facebook relationship status is BLANK and her profile pic is a picture of she and myself! Not her and her fiance

 

But I understand what you're saying though, this is risky business, sometimes people can send out false signals, and even if she does reciprocate 100% she might not be willing to alter to course of her life. I just don't want to regret keeping my mouth shut, Regret is a terrible thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, especially when it's something that has such a big impact on someone else also, because I will bet any amount of money that her marriage will NOT last the test of time. Not to mention that I have never met another woman like her anywhere, which is saying something because I have lived in 7 countries on 4 continents, I have met more people in the last 6 weeks than most people meet in their lifetime.

[District999]

You're right, regret is terrible. I let the love of my life get away and now she's in a miserable marriage with a man that she settled on and it tears me up inside!!!!

 

Ask yourself this question: Am I 100% positive that I want to be with the girl, if not don't do it. she will resent you if she dates you and you don't marry her. If you are sure, then you owe it to yourself to put your fear aside and tell her how you feel. You really shouldn't worry about her not being your friend anymore, that's going to happen one way or the other, if you say that she flirts with you in front of her fiance he's probably not going to let her hang out with you after they get married.

 

"There is no person of greater determination than the man who has nothing to lose"

- Malcolm X

[J21]

Regret is a terrible thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, especially when it's something that has such a big impact on someone else also, because I will bet any amount of money that her marriage will NOT last the test of time. Not to mention that I have never met another woman like her anywhere, which is saying something because I have lived in 7 countries on 4 continents, I have met more people in the last 6 weeks than most people meet in their lifetime.

That is a selfish perspective. *YOUR* regrets. Right, that makes it ok.

 

You are being overly dramatic weighing your possible regrets as a justification to breaking up an engagement. You are quite delusional if you think this is acceptable.

 

To tell you the truth, nobody gives a sh*t about your regrets. Sometimes people marry the right person, but the marriage ends up in a divorce. Sometimes people marry the person that might not be the best fit for them, but the marriage stands the tests of time.

 

Whether her marriage succeeds or fails is not any of your concern. That's between her and her future husband.

 

Everyone is pretty much on the same page that you shouldn't play the part of a home wrecker. When it comes to the bond between a finance/future husband, your relationship as a "friend" (as much as you inflate it) is insignificant.

[MissBee]

Well she shared many many Freudian clues about feeling unsure about her decision. Not only is she completely disinterested in anything related to the wedding, she has shared with me her recurring dreams of disaster and misfortune on her wedding day, and she kept reconfirming with me "if you didn't like my fiance, you would tell me RIGHT". On top of the fact that her Facebook relationship status is BLANK and her profile pic is a picture of she and myself! Not her and her fiance

 

But I understand what you're saying though, this is risky business, sometimes people can send out false signals, and even if she does reciprocate 100% she might not be willing to alter to course of her life. I just don't want to regret keeping my mouth shut, Regret is a terrible thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, especially when it's something that has such a big impact on someone else also, because I will bet any amount of money that her marriage will NOT last the test of time. Not to mention that I have never met another woman like her anywhere, which is saying something because I have lived in 7 countries on 4 continents, I have met more people in the last 6 weeks than most people meet in their lifetime.

 

Well if you feel you'll regret it, confess your feelings and see what comes of it.

 

What I do know about relationships though is that unless for example you have some vital info that the person DOESN'T know, like say you saw their fiance cheating, know they have a criminal record or something, all other character flaws and issues are things the person is probably well aware of or is choosing to be oblivious about and you telling them won't be a big revelation. Often they will ignore you or turn around and defend them and be upset with you...so in matters like this it is best to allow people to learn for themselves instead of trying to save them from their own mistakes. If her marriage doesn't work out she won't die. It's not your job to tell her not to marry him...if she doesn't want to marry him then she doesn't have to and you aren't required to tell her that. If she is having doubts she can talk to someone...surely she has friends or surely she could have confided in you...it is no one else's job to tell her not to marry him.

 

If she marries him and it fails...well hey, now you have your chance to help her pick up the pieces.

[MissBee]

That is a selfish perspective. *YOUR* regrets. Right, that makes it ok.

 

You are being overly dramatic weighing your possible regrets as a justification to breaking up an engagement. You are quite delusional if you think this is acceptable.

 

To tell you the truth, nobody gives a sh*t about your regrets. Sometimes people marry the right person, but the marriage ends up in a divorce. Sometimes people marry the person that might not be the best fit for them, but the marriage stands the tests of time.

 

Whether her marriage succeeds or fails is not any of your concern. That's between her and her future husband.

 

Everyone is pretty much on the same page that you shouldn't play the part of a home wrecker. When it comes to the bond between a finance/future husband, your relationship as a "friend" (as much as you inflate it) is insignificant.

 

What I will say is that chances are the OP cannot be a home wrecker. That is assuming he brings it up and she immediately discards her fiance and runs off with him....which I highly doubt will happen.

 

I don't think it is a case of him having the power to "break up the engagement" so much as what will more than likely happen is that he will break up his friendship OR she will be flattered but still marry this guy.

 

But even if she chooses not to marry her fiance because the OP confesses his feelings, in the end, it all works out for everyone because if someone is truly in love I cannot fathom how before their wedding some person can change their mind. So if the OP's confession changes this woman's mind, her fiance is better off as if that can call off the wedding, she was never all in anyway and was obviously looking for a way out (which seems to be what the OP believes is the case).

 

So truth is: he can tell her and she will either stop being friends with him because he has read her wrong, continue being his friend and marry this guy anyway, not marry this guy and be with the OP and if such is the case, the fiance is better off.

[Coup La-La]

That is a selfish perspective. *YOUR* regrets. Right, that makes it ok.

 

You are being overly dramatic weighing your possible regrets as a justification to breaking up an engagement. You are quite delusional if you think this is acceptable.

 

To tell you the truth, nobody gives a sh*t about your regrets. Sometimes people marry the right person, but the marriage ends up in a divorce. Sometimes people marry the person that might not be the best fit for them, but the marriage stands the tests of time.

 

Whether her marriage succeeds or fails is not any of your concern. That's between her and her future husband.

 

Everyone is pretty much on the same page that you shouldn't play the part of a home wrecker. When it comes to the bond between a finance/future husband, your relationship as a "friend" (as much as you inflate it) is insignificant.

 

If she breaks off her engagement because I told her how I feel, I think that is reflective of their relationship not being that strong. Think of it like this: wouldn't you want to know that the person you're engaged to is committed to you? Would you want to marry someone who would leave you 10 weeks before the wedding? When my parents got engaged 2 men from my mom's past came back to ask her to be with them instead, and she didn't care because she was sure about what she was doing and how she felt about my father.

 

Maybe you don't care about how I feel, but I care about how I feel. When I was 9 my cousin got drunk and explained to me how sad he is that he let "her" get away, that was the first time I ever saw I grown man cry, I didn't understand then, but I understand now. And why would I want to end up like him?

 

Whether the marriage succeeds or not IS my concern if I have the ability to stop it and potentially save all 3 of us from a terrible fate. Save her from a life of boredom and mediocrity, save him from being with a woman who clearly doesn't love him, and save myself from missing out on what could "the one" because like I said, nobody has ever made me feel the way she has. She's like an undiscovered Beatles recording being bonded to a deaf person who can never fully appreciate what he has.

 

And I think your judgement is over harsh. I'm not saying that this is that hot girl from high school that I always wanted to sleep with, I'm saying that I love this girl. Maybe you can say that I'm not being smart, but you're going way too far to cast me as a bad person.

[MissBee]

Whether the marriage succeeds or not IS my concern if I have the ability to stop it and potentially save all 3 of us from a terrible fate. Save her from a life of boredom and mediocrity, save him from being with a woman who clearly doesn't love him, and save myself from missing out on what could "the one" because like I said, nobody has ever made me feel the way she has. She's like an undiscovered Beatles recording being bonded to a deaf person who can never fully appreciate what he has.

.

 

Coup...you're being really melodramatic now.

 

Terrible fate? Please stop. All 3 of you won't have a "terrible fate."

 

First off if you just figured out you love this woman when she's getting married that to me is VERY suspicious and weird that you never figured this out at any point before in 12 years. She also doesn't seem to be rushing to declare her love for you. Sure she flirts etc but she also can take the initiative and go further and declare her love...she hasn't.

 

She is a GROWN WOMAN who is CHOOSING this man. Don't patronize her. Why would you want a woman who is blind??? If he is deaf maybe she is blind too and they are a good match. Because if she can't see he isn't good for her and you have to "save her"....what kind of person is she??? As someone else said, the way you're talking is really starting to sound like you're living in a romantic comedy now and not real life.

 

If you don't tell her it won't be as dramatic as you're making it out to be. But you seem to really want to tell her, so I think you should and please come back and tell us how it turns out. I'm not being facetious either. Either way life will continue and none of you will suffer a "horrible fate":rolleyes:, but I would be curious to know how telling came out.