I.bluitt Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Well I.bluitt. I can honestly say I am in shock at the length of your affair. 8 years! 5 whilst you were married - my goodness. I thought you were going to say about a year, the way you described making your decision to be with your wife after 0.00005 seconds and how you aren't bothered by the NC. How very strange that you can have an 8 year relationship and that it has not caused you more distress to loose that person from your life. Why would you string along someone for 8 years, there must have been some connection other than sex. 8 years of no emotional connection?! I actually feel for both your wife and OW. This forum is giving me a real insight into the way men think and behave. Very interesting. Any other viewsiew of a man who'd been.... I do not believe this is a normal reaction. I think some men just try to blot it out. Many times they come back. You read it here all the time. Being with someone that long means you were never in a real marriage. Reality does not sink in that quickly. After 8 years. Im not saying you are not real but if you are you are kidding yourself. I cannot say what is "normal". I can tell you that I have no desire to go back and am certain that I will never try. You might be shocked how quickly reality can sink in. My wife also feels our marriage wasn't real. Amazingly to some people, I don't feel that way, but I also realize my feelings are not what matters right now. Edited July 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote 1
Author Star2880 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Well what choice did he have? His wife knows and he doesn't want to lose her. He is doing what needs to do isn't he? Regardless of what he feels about it and whether or not he misses you, he is finally doing the right thing. All you can do is let him do it and start to move on no matter how hard it is x Sorry, just realised you wanted a male perspective. Feel free to ignore me. Waterwomen - that's fine you replied - any help and advice is great. It is immensely hard to move on - I think of him everyday and stupidly still check to see if he has contacted me and I want to move forward with what is right for my own family. It's the horrendous realisation that pretty much everything he said to me and we did together ( not talking about the sexual element) was just a game to him, despite what he said in person, wrote in emails and letters to me! It is very interesting reading the variations of Affairs in both time, emotional depth, how each see the affair, how men behave when found out and how the OW and wife are suddenly perceived after, even though they may have been with both for numerous years and not thought about anyone but themselves! It is good to read some genuinely sensitive male perspectives too. X
Author Star2880 Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 After reading many sections of this forum, it seems clear that women in general over think, over analyse, fall very deeply into the affair, rethink past events and conversations and find it hard to move on without confiding in another for support. It all becomes a whirlwind of emotion. Most men SEEM to be able to block out what has happened both in contact and thoughts. The emotional torture doesn't SEEM to be the same. I wonder if it is a male trait/ instinct or a conscious decision. I think there are any women on here who would like to be able to control their thoughts like the men explain on here. It would save a lot of tears. But that's just my opinion. 1
atreides Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) I will give you a couple of examples close to me: First, most that i know in my circles whom have cheated are women and most of them acted as the men do on this forum and some other women on LS. They were upfront, no relationships and wanted extra on the side, they were very methodical about it and patient. I say patient because it took 6 years for one to finally get caught as she had everything planned to a T, not to meet too often and how they would communicate and so on. Basically the women I know whom have cheated by admitting to it or getting caught within my circles were a lot like the WW's oldshirt spoke about. I think women can compartmentalize (putting emotions to the side) as well as men, it just depends on the intent or how the A came to be. Ironically to this thread's examples 2 of the men i know are family members and both had exit affairs. They found a women, fell in love and left their wives and started a new family with the OW. 1 had 4 kids and left and now has 2 new kids with the new wife. I am married to one of the 4. the other also had 2 kids with the new wife leaving 2 daughters behind. 1 has been married for over 20 years to the new wife and the other over 5 years. One is my father-in-law and the other my brother-in-law. One thing i find ironic is the emphasis on emotion in this thread as when sex is stated, its "just sex." I cannot for the life of me figure out why it's "just sex" as to say it's superficial when stroking one's mental/emotional needs is just as superficial in the context of "cheating." To me at least sex offers a lot more attachment and intimacy but that's just me. It also puzzles me how with many i guess more women that there has to be more "than just sex" huh? Why is that somehow one needs "more" than to be "just sex?" I am assuming the A is a mutual understanding under already false pretenses, in asking that. but as hopeshimmers stated, there are men who need their emotions too, they do exist like my in-laws. I also have a colleague who came to work everyday second guessing himself because his wife made him to be the blame for everything. he just did not know what to do with himself, thankfully he eventually divorced after 7 years but he was a mental wreck. Edited July 14, 2014 by atreides
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Most men SEEM to be able to block out what has happened both in contact and thoughts. The emotional torture doesn't SEEM to be the same. I wonder if it is a male trait/ instinct or a conscious decision. I think there are any women on here who would like to be able to control their thoughts like the men explain on here. It would save a lot of tears. But that's just my opinion. You are describing feelings and these very greatly and more dependent on their commitment to the relationship, than on their gender. The troubling thing here is the amount of emotion that has been expended in pining over a unrequited love, while barely even mentioning your husband or the pain you have caused him. Your behavior seems to concentrate on how this episode affected you and is very much like the behavior of the OM, who was more concerned with himself. 2
Author Star2880 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 You are describing feelings and these very greatly and more dependent on their commitment to the relationship, than on their gender. The troubling thing here is the amount of emotion that has been expended in pining over a unrequited love, while barely even mentioning your husband or the pain you have caused him. Your behavior seems to concentrate on how this episode affected you and is very much like the behavior of the OM, who was more concerned with himself. I well aware that I spend to much time pining over unrequited love, it wasn't unrequited at the time and that's why I find it so hard to move forward. It destroys me every day that I think more about the AP than my husband. I talked about this many times in therapy. My counsellor discussed with me a previous episode in our relationship where my husband cheated on me (before we got married). We stupidly decided never to tell anyone what had happened and I buried down all my emotions resulting from this for 6 years. I became very indifferent to his flirtatious with me or other women. I didn't care whether he was seeing someone else or not. I really don't think I have ever trusted him since that day but we had been together for so long and he was my best friend. I want to be able to love my husband they way I used to but have daily battles with my head and heart.
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I well aware that I spend to much time pining over unrequited love, it wasn't unrequited at the time and that's why I find it so hard to move forward. It destroys me every day that I think more about the AP than my husband. I talked about this many times in therapy. My counsellor discussed with me a previous episode in our relationship where my husband cheated on me (before we got married). We stupidly decided never to tell anyone what had happened and I buried down all my emotions resulting from this for 6 years. I became very indifferent to his flirtatious with me or other women. I didn't care whether he was seeing someone else or not. I really don't think I have ever trusted him since that day but we had been together for so long and he was my best friend. I want to be able to love my husband they way I used to but have daily battles with my head and heart. Thank you for sharing this as it really gets to the heart of all of this, I know it can be tough posting on here. The other relationship was always unrequited, you got played by a playa. I don't mean to hurt you by saying this, but I believe it to be true. He is not deserving of all the emotional stress that you have put yourself through. Emotionally it is a continuance of the unfaithfulness that happened with your husband and was buried. Now it is all coming out and is consuming you. Instead of wondering why he left, replace it with the knowledge that he played you for his own personal pleasure. His behavior is all focused on meeting his own personal needs, everybody else be darned. I have no pill or magic wand to fix your marriage, I really wish that I did. Personally, I think that you have to realize that both relationships are dead. Now you have to decide if you want to start a new relationship with your husband. This has to start by both of you being honest with one another. If you have no honesty, then you have nothing of substance.
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