Male perspective wanted

[Star2880]

I would like to know the male point of view/perspective of what a male AP really thinks of the OW once an affair has been found out by their wife.

 

Slight back story to my question - but I am open to any views as to how and why after a LTA (3 years) can a man just drop the OW and have no contact for 6 months now. I have read many of the threads on this forum and I am interested by lots of the posts - varying from the OM, OW, BS etc

I am currently separated after finally telling my husband about my affair, he wants to try again and make it work. I do love him as we have been together for 10 years and he is a great father, but fell out of love with with him very soon after meeting AP. I have never once even slightly thought of cheating until this man came into my life and turned it upside down. I have never met anyone like him. Kindred spirits!

The AP is the same position 10 year relationship, now wife of 1 year. Our affair started about 3 & a half years ago. Both of us had very traumatic personal events happen to us during our affair and through a lot of counselling I understand how people can change due to these circumstances.

 

Many emotional, physical and deeply personal things happened within our affair, we spoke nearly everyday, spent as much time as possible together we worked together, shared moments that had not been shared even with our partners and said things that now seem to have faded into thin air, from his point of view.

 

So my questions are:

 

Do you still think about AP? How can you be with someone for so long and then just erase them from your mind?

 

Are you finding it as hard in the NC time as the Other AP?

 

Why when you are caught out by your spouse do you create fictitious stories about the AP? Completing turning on them!

 

Do you think about the things you have said to your AP and regret saying them?

 

Do all the things you said negatively about your spouse disappear from your mind?

 

Why do you turn into such cowards, hiding behind your BS abusive and deranged texts and emails?

 

Please don't reply to this thread if you are a BS, I have already had the onslaught of hate from many people and surprisingly a lot of people who were immensely understanding after seeing me go through a deep depression and slowly remerging out the other side.

I am just interested in the difference between what happens after the affair has ended from a male and female perspective.

[I.bluitt]

I'm new to this site, but had a similar situation. You have lots of good questions. For me, being discovered by my wife was a wake-up call that took me out of my playtime fantasy world with the OW.

 

It made me compare the two on equal ground and took about .00005 seconds to realize that I had been a fool and that my wife was who I loved, owed everything, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

It is 7 months later and I'm thankful that we are still working through the trauma and pain that I've caused.

 

I guess the difference is that I never fell out of love with my wife, and actually love her more now than ever, so while I feel bad about the OW being involved with me, and then being "cut off" after being discovered, I don't have any problem with NC. It actually makes me a bit sick in the stomach now, when I think about it.

 

The only thing that makes me feel worse ARE the things I said about my wife...

 

That said, if you really love the OM and no longer love your husband, I think you're going to have a tough time trying to make your marriage work. And the stats as I understand them say having a happy life with the OM is going to be tough also, assuming he's even considering leaving his wife.

 

I hope you get lots of feedback that helps. We all need that.

[Star2880]

So another question in your response is why do you say those things about your wife, if in fact they now make you feel ill.

Is it all a lie, were there really problems, were you being neglected etc?

[tornapart2002]

So another question in your response is why do you say those things about your wife, if in fact they now make you feel ill.

Is it all a lie, were there really problems, were you being neglected etc?

It was probably his impression of his wife at the time -- seeing it through eyes of someone who was angry/hurt/whatever. Just an idea.

 

Um..but you didn't ask me and I'm a BS so I will back out of this one very quick. Hopefully you get some answers that help you. Take care.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I'm new to this site, but had a similar situation. You have lots of good questions. For me, being discovered by my wife was a wake-up call that took me out of my playtime fantasy world with the OW.

 

It made me compare the two on equal ground and took about .00005 seconds to realize that I had been a fool and that my wife was who I loved, owed everything, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

It is 7 months later and I'm thankful that we are still working through the trauma and pain that I've caused.

 

I guess the difference is that I never fell out of love with my wife, and actually love her more now than ever, so while I feel bad about the OW being involved with me, and then being "cut off" after being discovered, I don't have any problem with NC. It actually makes me a bit sick in the stomach now, when I think about it.

 

The only thing that makes me feel worse ARE the things I said about my wife...

 

That said, if you really love the OM and no longer love your husband, I think you're going to have a tough time trying to make your marriage work. And the stats as I understand them say having a happy life with the OM is going to be tough also, assuming he's even considering leaving his wife.

 

I hope you get lots of feedback that helps. We all need that.

 

How long was your A? Did you feel you loved your OW before D Day?

[Jonah]

There really is nothing there star. It is all just an illusion after all, because it is the past you see. Even if he was now your ex, or even your current H, the past is gone dear. But if you must, and if you boiled it all down you would find that he just want's you to be ok.

 

And about the negatives that he was saying about his W... if he was doing that then he is obviously a jerk. Hindsight is everything but you should have seen that.

 

I personally don't even say anything bad about any woman I had ever known not even my ex.

[Oberfeldwebel]

The responses to this would be all over the board and irrelevant as your actual question is does your OM still care? Does he still think about you? Naturally, but what form that takes, I haven’t the vaguest idea. I highly doubt that he struggling with the loss of the relationship as it never meant as much to him as it did to you. Why would he make up lies about you? Easy, somebody has to be at fault for this mess and it’s not going to be him. He just threw you under the bus without batting an eye. He says bad things to each of you about the other to take the emphasis off of himself. He is like a child that plays parents against one another to get his own way. The relationship was never about you or her, it was about him. He was the only person that he loved in this relationship.

 

You can pine your life away about a fantasy relationship or have a real relationship. One man threw you under the bus when things got tough, the other man is willing to try to build a relationship, even after all the pain he has suffered. The choice seems obvious to me, but it’s your world, I’m just passing through.

[DKT3]

As much as people love to cling to the idea that everyone we love loves us back as least as much, its simply not true.

 

Married men on a whole tend to not get as emotionally vested in affairs, couple that with the fact that men can also be involved and not have it lessen for he has with his wife. Its the reason that MM rarely leave the marriage for OW. Affairs for men are sexually driven and a matter of convenience, once they become complicated most men bolt.

[oldshirt]

In my 20s when I was single I was an AP to several WW s at various times and a few of them were even overlapping at times.

 

I was always pretty up front with them that if they got busted and thrown out that I would not take them in.

 

Most of these women were also pretty up front with me that they just wanted a little extra lovins on the side and were not looking to leave their spouses. I was basically just some extra for them as well. About the only thing they ever said negative about their H's was that they weren't good in bed and weren't satisfying them sexually. They were basically textbook cases of being with "nice guy" providers and needing some excitement on the the side.

 

One gal did come on pretty strong in the beginning with me and did tell me tales of wo on how she was dissatisfied all the way around with her marriage and while she did stop by my house for quickies now and then she was always trying to get me to go on "dates" and go shopping and on day trips and get me to meet the kids etc.

 

I maintained that I wasn't interested in a real relationship or becoming involved with her or her children.

 

I hadn't heard from her for quite awhile and one day I got a phone call from her out of the blue (this was in the days before txt and internet, email etc) and she told me she had confessed to her H and he was really pissed and that they were trying to R.

 

I remember at the time I felt actually bitter and disgusted by her. Not because I wanted her and she was trying to get back with her H but because she didn't give me any heads up that someone may be out to get me.

 

I also thought it was pretty lame and crappy of her to lay all her marital woes on me and tell me what crappy husband he was, then ride me like a porn star and then confess to him after she got her jollys.

 

It wasn't that I was actually mad at her or hurt or anything. It was more just disgust and a total loss of respect for her as a person and a woman. ....I felt dirty. I felt like I need to shower with bleach and a wire brush.

 

Now 20some years later, I look back and still feel a degree of warmth and affection and fondness for the rest of my WW s. I am even Facebook friends with a few of them and shoot the shtt occasionally.

 

One is still married to the same guy and seem to be happy. Another eventually divorced ( nothing to do with me. Probably moved on to other OM) and in time remarried and doing well.

 

For the one that was giving me the song and dance about wanting out and being dissatisfied with H and wanting me to take her and wanting me to meet her kids and then confessing without my knowledge or consent, I feel disgust and disdain.

 

I don't know if any of this applies to your situation and I don't know if it's any help to you. But from my perspective, any time a guy is with hid wife but banging a WW, it's just for some extra @$$. He may talk all sweet and may share secrets but at the end of the day it's for poontang.

 

The fact that you are separated from your H may even play a big role with him going off the grid. He may have liked having you meet him in the ally at night but he doesn't want you showing up on his front porch with your suitcase now.

 

He may be resentful you confessed and blew the deal you had going. I know that may not be legitimate form of resentment but I can tell you after experiencing it, it is very real.

 

At the end the day however, if you are trying to R with your H, your OM' s feelings and motivations are none of your business.

 

At this point your focus either needs to be R with your H. Or divorcing your H cleanly and amicably and moving on.

 

Looking back at your OM and wondering what's going on with him is completely wasted time and energy.

[I.bluitt]

My A lasted 8 years, 5 of them while I was married. I spoke ill of my wife because it served my purpose at the time, which was to keep the OW sympathetic to me.

[Friskyone4u]

No matter how much you think your were "soul mates" the fact is that men primarily enter affairs for sex, and when an affair is uncovered and contact stops and the sex stops, the male minds meets go much easier. Many women are actually emotionally attached to AP before the sex begins. The board is full of some who can't let go once it ends, but most men can just let go.

When women break NC, it is because they are "in love". When men break no contact and try to start up again, it is because they want sex again.

Then add in the problems of the spouse finding out, no sex, guys just bail easily.

A lot more women wind up divorced or separated because they just can't withdraw on e their partner finds out.

[Star2880]

My A lasted 8 years, 5 of them while I was married. I spoke ill of my wife because it served my purpose at the time, which was to keep the OW sympathetic to me.

 

Well I.bluitt. I can honestly say I am in shock at the length of your affair. 8 years! 5 whilst you were married - my goodness. I thought you were going to say about a year, the way you described making your decision to be with your wife after 0.00005 seconds and how you aren't bothered by the NC. How very strange that you can have an 8 year relationship and that it has not caused you more distress to loose that person from your life. Why would you string along someone for 8 years, there must have been some connection other than sex. 8 years of no emotional connection?!

I actually feel for both your wife and OW.

 

This forum is giving me a real insight into the way men think and behave. Very interesting. Any other views?

[Star2880]

He may be resentful you confessed and blew the deal you had going. I know that may not be legitimate form of resentment but I can tell you after experiencing it, it is very real.

 

Oldshirt - I haven't explained my story properly, I told my husband because his new wife of 6 months had found us texting. I wanted to be the one to tell my H before she did. She told him my H very quickly what she had found and left my AP but they are now back together. I asked to seperate from H as like another person that commented I have totally fallen in love with AP and find it extremely hard to even be around my H.

I let myself fall very quickly for AP and he honestly made it seem like he had too but would never verbally say so. He would write it. It even got to the point when I said to him that I was finding it very hard to trust my own emotions and own mind as he would behave one way and say he felt another. He told me I had to trust what I felt and never not believe what was being felt.

[Turtles]

Male perspective on that "trust what you feel" line: that boy is full of ****.

[carhill]

Do you still think about AP? How can you be with someone for so long and then just erase them from your mind?

 

Today, no. After first finishing our business, probably about six months or so. I recall, when my exW and I were down at the court, waiting on the clerk of the court to see us (divorce stuff), she asked me about the AP and I told her, truthfully, it was long over, and it was. At that point, about a year had passed.

 

Are you finding it as hard in the NC time as the Other AP?

 

Unclear as to the question here but, to guess, I can never know what is in the mind of another; however, that said, my emotional attachments tend to be quite substantive and life experience with this AP and other MW's has shown the demonstrated attachment styles to vary quite markedly. In general, I've never noted a MW to 'come back'. When they've had their fun, they're done.

 

Why when you are caught out by your spouse do you create fictitious stories about the AP? Completing turning on them!

 

Wasn't caught, didn't make up stories. Simply introduced and let nature do what it does. At that point, I was pretty much done with my exW. She had been aware of that particular MW from before we were married so I figured it only fair to put flesh to the stories she already knew and to put a point on my repetitive warnings that we were in trouble.

 

Do you think about the things you have said to your AP and regret saying them?

 

Nope, everything was true and I was quite supportive of the lady and her adult children, whom I had never met as an OM decades ago.

 

Do all the things you said negatively about your spouse disappear from your mind?

 

I didn't talk about my exW with the AP, save for a couple of 'vents' when I felt particularly low. Whatever she gained, she gained from direct interaction. Her opinion, from direct interaction, was that exW was 'mean' (her word) but I thought that a bit excessive.

 

Why do you turn into such cowards, hiding behind your BS abusive and deranged texts and emails?

 

We didn't have that experience , to my knowledge, so I can't comment. My exW didn't appear to have such interactions and, if she was 'mean', it was to me only.

[Star2880]

Thank you Carhill - someone that at least seemed like they thought with their heart and head, rather than something else!

[Friskyone4u]

Well if I understand it right, now you have neither your husband or your AP.

Hopefully you have learned that being the OW is not as exciting and glamorous as it may seem.

Use it as a life lesson

[Star2880]

Yes 'Friskyone4u' definately a life lesson learnt - never thought being the OW was a positive to be honest! What I have learnt and am still learning from reading the male perspectives on this forum - is that certain men really are from another planet emotionally!

[2.50 a gallon]

For about a year, I slipped over to the dark side and began pursuing married women. I found them to be easy pickings, become their friend, talk about my bad marriage, then listen to their story, pour on the charm, tell them what they wanted to hear. Most encounters were along the lines of ONS, they were curious to have sex with somebody new. There was one in particular that lasted near on a year, with many encounters. I went NC when her husband got suspicious and she became serious in her talks about "We" and "Us". When wanting to know why, I never did tell her the truth, which was it was a great turn on banging another man's sexy wife. Many years later I still sometimes think of her, as she was great in bed.

[NYWoman]

Star

 

 

There is no mystery here. He used your attraction to him for some extra marital sex. He got caught and dumped you. End of story

[Hope Shimmers]

So everyone here is saying that all MM just want sex and that's why they get into A's?

 

Sorry, I disagree. There are lots of examples of long term EAs. Mine lasted for many years and was primarily an EA since we lived hundreds of miles apart and were only together in person a few times a year.

[HBIC]

So everyone here is saying that all MM just want sex and that's why they get into A's?

 

Sorry, I disagree. There are lots of examples of long term EAs. Mine lasted for many years and was primarily an EA since we lived hundreds of miles apart and were only together in person a few times a year.

 

I think it depends upon the MM, but I agree: all A's are not primarily about sex. They are about a man (for this illustration) using OW and the W to entertain himself and get needs met. The needs can include sex, emotional intimacy, companionship. Lots of things that are wonderful until they are a part of the A dynamic.

 

A's are about using people.

[txgrl]

I agree with HbIC and that is what reading threads here points to . A May or may not be primarily about sex but at the end of the day, they are a rather selfish way to feel validated by using other people and not caring about the disastrous consequences .

[waterwoman]

Well what choice did he have? His wife knows and he doesn't want to lose her. He is doing what needs to do isn't he? Regardless of what he feels about it and whether or not he misses you, he is finally doing the right thing. All you can do is let him do it and start to move on no matter how hard it is x

 

Sorry, just realised you wanted a male perspective. Feel free to ignore me.

Edited June 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Davey L]

For what it's worth I'll give my own experience since my feelings and the aftermath may be different to the stereotypical male who just wants his sex and no relationship.

 

 

It was a long time ago; the affair lasted a few months. We were not found out; it just came to an end naturally. Afterwards I enjoyed a very close non-sexual relationship (and not really an EA either, just a close relationship like with my sister) for the rest of her life - another three years. Since she died (over 10 years ago) I have missed her very much. I have many fond memories of her, mostly not from the time of the sexual relationship, but more from the times afterwards when I was trying to help her through her illness.

 

 

With hindsight I guess I valued the non-sexual part of the relationship, the friendship, more than the sexual.