mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Hi all, I've been seeing someone recently. Things are going really well and we like each other a lot. She's in her early 20s and I'm in my late 20s, and we both recently began working in the same city. She's brought up the "what are we" conversation a few times already and we're approaching the point where we probably need to make a decision on whether we're going to enter into a relationship or not. That being said, she's planning to be in the city I'm in for 2 years. After that point, she's going off to med school. Assuming we're still dating by the time that happens (which I could see), I'd be looking at long distance for the entirety of med school + rotations + residency. I know this is projecting FAR out into the future, but I'm at a point where if I do decide to date someone seriously, I like to picture where it's going. That being said, I have a good friend who is in a similar situation - he dated a girl for a year, then she went off to med school and they started long distance. Several years of long distance later, they are now struggling with the reality that even when she lands a residency, it still won't be where he is. After almost 4 years, the strain of long-term long distance for them will probably cause them to break up soon. I'm not sure if I want that to happen to me long-term and I feel like I should use my friend's situation as a good example to look at - he's going through a very, very hard time right now. Anyone have thoughts on this?
Purepony Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Wow this is a really tough one I don't even know what to say I was kind of in a similar situation because she wanted to leave the state to do some masters program. I thought like I didn't have a saying that but at the end of the day we ended up breaking up with this kind of better for me because now that I look back if things were only going to get worse in a biscuit wasted all the time. Yours is a little different but time apart there's always a possibility for cheating and stuff like that and that money to other people especially in the field at their in.
Purepony Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Sorry my voice command was way off.. Ultimately if your having second thoughts its for a reason. I would cut my losses now looking back on my situation iand should have but didn't and now I'm back at square one two years later
Author mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) I couldn't move with her because I'm an attorney, so my profession is very regional/state specific and my network is very important. It would be very hard for me to move out of state to go wherever she would get into med school, and then she'd move again after med school to wherever she got a job. Don't get me wrong, if she was the right one, I'd do what I could to move and/or make it work. She's also not 100% sure she'll go to med school...but that's the plan as of now. The hardest part is that the long distance would be for years. And it's kind of scary to look forward, albeit a few years down the line, and see this issue coming up... Edited June 26, 2014 by mirage12
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 It's too far off to think about it now. You don't know where she'll get into med school. Even if she was local . . . remember how hard law school was? Now remember that if you screw up somebody pays money or gets less (maybe somebody goes to jail) If she screws up somebody dies. Way different set of pressures. Not a ton of time for dating. Things change. Date. See how it goes. She how it evolves. Revisit the issue when it's time for her to apply & then again when she's accepted various places. 2
Author mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Sorry my voice command was way off.. Ultimately if your having second thoughts its for a reason. I would cut my losses now looking back on my situation iand should have but didn't and now I'm back at square one two years later My second thoughts are just that I'm worried about finding myself in the same situation my friend is going through now, having done several years of LD with his med school girlfriend. Not sure if that worry is a big enough reason to let this one go though?
Fondue Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I'm actually in a similar situation, but mind is very fast approaching. So decision time is now. What I'm saying is for you, that is a decision that doesn't need to be made for a LONG time. A lot can happen until she flies off. So... Don't worry about it? You might not even end up being together, you know? It is a realistic possibility. For my situation, my GF of almost 1 year got accepted to a top tier graduate school for her field with a major scholarship. She's moving to LA from NYC the start of September. I have to make a decision whether to uproot my entire life, leave my very flexible + great salary job, leave my recently purchased place, or to stay put and "try" long distance. I definitely do not think I have what it takes to do long distance. That seems impossible. So right now, it is either go or not go. I have to make this decision QUICK. Talk about pressure.
Author mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 I'm actually in a similar situation, but mind is very fast approaching. So decision time is now. What I'm saying is for you, that is a decision that doesn't need to be made for a LONG time. A lot can happen until she flies off. So... Don't worry about it? You might not even end up being together, you know? It is a realistic possibility. For my situation, my GF of almost 1 year got accepted to a top tier graduate school for her field with a major scholarship. She's moving to LA from NYC the start of September. I have to make a decision whether to uproot my entire life, leave my very flexible + great salary job, leave my recently purchased place, or to stay put and "try" long distance. I definitely do not think I have what it takes to do long distance. That seems impossible. So right now, it is either go or not go. I have to make this decision QUICK. Talk about pressure. Wow. Do you want to marry her? Uprooting yourself for a 1 year relationship would be a big step. I tried doing LD once for 3 months...and it was very, very hard. I'm not sure I could imagine doing it for years, although I know people who have. Also, as an aside, I recently moved away from LA after living there for 4 years. It's very, very different from NYC. Not sure if you've ever been there, but it's entirely different to visit LA than it is to live in LA.
MissBee Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I've been seeing someone recently. Things are going really well and we like each other a lot. She's in her early 20s and I'm in my late 20s, and we both recently began working in the same city. She's brought up the "what are we" conversation a few times already and we're approaching the point where we probably need to make a decision on whether we're going to enter into a relationship or not. That being said, she's planning to be in the city I'm in for 2 years. After that point, she's going off to med school. Assuming we're still dating by the time that happens (which I could see), I'd be looking at long distance for the entirety of med school + rotations + residency. I know this is projecting FAR out into the future, but I'm at a point where if I do decide to date someone seriously, I like to picture where it's going. That being said, I have a good friend who is in a similar situation - he dated a girl for a year, then she went off to med school and they started long distance. Several years of long distance later, they are now struggling with the reality that even when she lands a residency, it still won't be where he is. After almost 4 years, the strain of long-term long distance for them will probably cause them to break up soon. I'm not sure if I want that to happen to me long-term and I feel like I should use my friend's situation as a good example to look at - he's going through a very, very hard time right now. Anyone have thoughts on this? While it's good to think of the future, I think 2 years ahead is far enough that you can see where things are by that time. I mean, no one knows what will happen next week, much less 2 years from now. The seriousness of your relationship will affect a lot of the choices you can [are willing to] both make. I don't think your friend's situation is standard, as frankly, I have several friends in medical school, some in relationships while in med school, some were dating before, and I'm a graduate student myself who is in school in the city my bf lives in, but during summers I'm away researching and when I'm done with my program I could take a job anywhere....but point is, all of us aren't exactly sure where we will be, but all the people I know in serious relationships, they factor their partner into the equation if they've been together for a while. That is, if their relationship has managed to go on for some years, most already know if they want to marry this person or be together in a commitment and most make choices about residency, jobs, where to live etc. that include their partner and their partner also makes these kinds of choices that include them. Clearly if you've been together for only some weeks or months and the person is going to move in a few months then it may not make sense, but if you've been together 2 years or more, then for most people in their late twenties, they have already decided if this person is someone they want to marry/live with in a commitment and so when big decisions come up, if they want their relationship, they compromise around it. If you are absolutely sure (which I don't see how) that you or she can NEVER compromise in the future should you last 2 years, that you cannot move, she can't and you can't do long distance...then don't bother. But for me, 2 years is a good amount of time for me to either be very serious with a man or not, and thus I wouldn't opt out of a relationship based on him going to med school 2 years from now. I would rather be in the relationship and then see how we can make it work 2 years from now. My doctoral program is pretty lengthy, so I know that for at least some years I will be in one city or have the option to stay there, but after my program is up, I may or may not get a job in that city and my bf is aware of this. His response is that by that time if we are still together we'd be getting married and while he doesn't want to move...he knows you have to make compromises and sacrifices and he has already researched transfers in the potential cities in which I'd look for jobs. All that to say: if you want to be together you look for ways and you try to compromise and see how you can make things work...not just the obstacles. And given a span of years...I would think that you have even more time for anything to happen and for you or her to make choices that factor in your relationship. Edited June 26, 2014 by MissBee
BlueIris Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 You’d have to take another bar exam. I did it. I’ve known lots of men and women who have moved when their spouse transferred. Sure, there might be a temporary effect on your career growth, but it usually only temporary. My daughter’s boyfriend went with her when she went to law school. He’s done very well professionally despite the move. They’re getting married this summer. One question to consider is whether you would ever be willing to move for any spouse’s career growth. That is the biggie, and it involves your values overall and how you view relationship and the kind of relationship you want to have. I think most people would answer that they'd move so long as the the new location offers opportunity for them too.
Author mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 You’d have to take another bar exam. I did it. I’ve known lots of men and women who have moved when their spouse transferred. Sure, there might be a temporary effect on your career growth, but it usually only temporary. My daughter’s boyfriend went with her when she went to law school. He’s done very well professionally despite the move. They’re getting married this summer. One question to consider is whether you would ever be willing to move for any spouse’s career growth. That is the biggie, and it involves your values overall and how you view relationship and the kind of relationship you want to have. I think most people would answer that they'd move so long as the the new location offers opportunity for them too. Thanks for all your responses. I'd move, for the right person. Med school is just a strange situation for a lot of people because where you go to med school isn't necessarily where you'll do your residency which also isn't necessarily where you'll get a job. That's a lot of potential geographic moves over a span of 4-7 years.
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Thanks for all your responses. I'd move, for the right person. Med school is just a strange situation for a lot of people because where you go to med school isn't necessarily where you'll do your residency which also isn't necessarily where you'll get a job. That's a lot of potential geographic moves over a span of 4-7 years. Totally . . . . done well . . . an LDR with lots of visits could strengthen a relationship & get you lots of frequent flier miles so you can go some place amazing on a HM All of this is cart before the horse. Finish discovery before you worry about trial dates.
Coup La-La Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 You shouldn't have a long distance relationship with anyone who isn't your spouse, I can say from personal experience, it is bound to create problems.
Author mirage12 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 You shouldn't have a long distance relationship with anyone who isn't your spouse, I can say from personal experience, it is bound to create problems. Yeah, it definitely wouldn't be an ideal situation. Although I heard someone say something interesting the other day - that transitioning to a LD relationship doesn't create problems in the relationship so much as it exposes cracks that are already there.
Els Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) Taking your post at face value: Med school + rotations + residency is usually 7 years or so in total, is it not? (Sorry, not familiar with US system). That in itself is far too long. As much as we want to be idealistic about relationships, I do not actually know a single relationship that survived 7 full years apart. And trust me, I've talked to a lot of people in LDRs (and my current 6-year relationship was LD for 2 years - he was, interestingly, also a med student, but my field is quite flexible so I could move). That being said, realistically lots of things can change in 2 years. If you have 2 years of no distance ahead of you I'd just stay in it and see what happens then. For all you know it will be a moot point. If she's in pre-med how does she even know WHERE she will be doing her med school or residency? Edited June 27, 2014 by Elswyth
gaius Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Your friend still has 4 years of his life with a partner he loved under his belt. So even if it's painful now he still lived life to the fullest during that time. So good for him. The fact this is even coming up in your mind probably means you're not that into her, so find someone you're into instead.
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