pink_sugar Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 So my husband and I are temporarily staying with my mom and stepdad and paying them rent until both of our jobs are stable and we move back out into our own place in the fall. Long story short, we relocated due to my job loss and could not keep our apartment since 2/3 of our income was lost. Anyways, things are better now, but my mom is CONSTANTLY accusing me of having an attitude anytime I tell her "no" or about something that she is doing that I do not appreciate. For example, today she text messages me at work about how my husband uses too much data on our phone bill. And no, we are not on her phone plan...she's actually an add-on to our own family plan. For one, it's really not her business since she is not paying our share of the bill and two, when I ask her to please not bother me at work with these things, she says "I'm not in the mood for attitude". I don't see how asking her to wait on talking to me about these things until I am off work because it distracts me is "giving an attitude". I'm normally an easygoing person, but she is overly sensitive and I cannot tell her anything without her saying I have an attitude. I feel like saying that if she does not like what we do on the phone plan that she can go and get her own individual plan.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I feel like saying that if she does not like what we do on the phone plan that she can go and get her own individual plan. Let's pretend our actions have consequences. What happens if you do that? What happens if your mom takes that attitude? You need something from your mom, you are indebted to her and her idiosyncracies. Don't bite the hand that's letting you live under its roof. 4
Author pink_sugar Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Let's pretend our actions have consequences. What happens if you do that? What happens if your mom takes that attitude? You need something from your mom, you are indebted to her and her idiosyncracies. Don't bite the hand that's letting you live under its roof. That's not really helping me cope. I haven't done anything and constantly am accused of doing things I am not. By the way she needs me to stay as much as I need her because she needs the money because she doesn't work and my stepdad is choosing not to go to work. It's a two way street. It's not like I'm living rent free. There needs to be respect on both levels if she does not want me to move out quickly.
Author pink_sugar Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Let's pretend our actions have consequences. What happens if you do that? What happens if your mom takes that attitude? You need something from your mom, you are indebted to her and her idiosyncracies. Don't bite the hand that's letting you live under its roof. That's not really helping me cope. I haven't done anything and constantly am accused of doing things I am not. By the way she needs me to stay as much as I need her because she needs the money because she doesn't work and my stepdad is choosing not to go to work. It's a two way street. It's not like I'm living rent free. We pay half the rent here and deserve more respect.
TigerLilly78 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I have a saying " family will always be the 1st to screw you" im sorry and some may think me cold and horrid for saying that cause their family are awesomeo but sadly its true for alot. It sounds like your mother has little respect for you just cause your paying her rent doesn't mean that's going to change. Unless you can establish some respect boundaries and shes willing to come to the ball park? There might not be much you can do other then move out and cut down the contact some people only learn to play nice when its forced on them.. 3
turnera Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I feel like saying that if she does not like what we do on the phone plan that she can go and get her own individual plan.Why don't you? You're an adult woman, act like it. 2
MuscleCarFan Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Why don't you? You're an adult woman, act like it. She's on our plan and only pays $35-$40 a month.
turnera Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 So? If she's getting a benefit from you, she can treat you with respect...or lose the benefit.
learning_slowly Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I think you need to look at the consequences. If she decides she wants you out, can you find some where that is as cheap and is as commutable to your work as where you are now? If you have an alternative, you can then call her bluff, otherwise she may call yours! As for calling/texting you at work, you could say that your manager has complained about using your phone at work and so if it continues, you could lose your job. Good luck.
Radu Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Unfortunately your mom is not what is considered a normal human being. Think of her as an animal, one who follows her instincts, and her instincts tell her she has you both over a barrel because you need a place to stay. Talking with her nicely won't do, but an action, consequences will do. You cannot demand respect with this beast, you have to force respect down her throat. But she will find something else to b*tch about, when she is done. 1
SpiralOut Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) She sounds like a control freak. She doesn't like you setting boundaries so she tries to turn it around on you by claiming that you have an attitude. She will never change, so all you can change is the way you react to her. My own mother gives me problems and ignores the word "no" on purpose. It takes effort to change the relationship dynamic but you can do it. Like the other posters have said, you need to set up consequences. Don't worry if she doesn't like it or if she throws a fit. It might also help to keep a journal or some record of things as they happen. That way she's less likely to mess with your head. Those types of mothers love to invalidate you and make you feel as if you are crazy. Edited June 29, 2014 by SpiralOut 2
Els Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 How much rent are you paying them - is it close to what you would pay elsewhere for a smaller place? If it's similar, then moving out to a cheap place will be a good solution. If you are stuck with them because they are offering you FAR lower rent than anywhere else, then IMO you just have to put up with this in exchange for what you are accepting from them. AFAIK you've said in the past that she can't be reasoned with logically and calmly, at all? In that case just smile and nod and brush things off, until you can move out. 2
Author pink_sugar Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) Suck it up and get your own place. I assume you are at least 16...the age of marriage in your state. Your mother is the same person she was when you left home. You decided to move in with her. This is not about a phone bill but about you and your husband needing to be responsible adults. You can't change your mother. Not sure if you've read any of my previous posts...but I am 25 and my.husband and I were on our own for nearly 7 years. I was laid off my job...which was 2/3 of our income. We were living in a really high cost of living area and couldn't make the rent while I was jobless and our income wasn't high enough on my husbands income alone to rent another place. We're getting our own place this fall since we'll both be working full time again and apartment rates will be cheaper than summertime rates. We do pay 50% of the rent here. Edited June 29, 2014 by pink_sugar
Author pink_sugar Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 How much rent are you paying them - is it close to what you would pay elsewhere for a smaller place? If it's similar, then moving out to a cheap place will be a good solution. If you are stuck with them because they are offering you FAR lower rent than anywhere else, then IMO you just have to put up with this in exchange for what you are accepting from them. AFAIK you've said in the past that she can't be reasoned with logically and calmly, at all? In that case just smile and nod and brush things off, until you can move out. We pay half, which is $300. Going rates right now are between $950-$1100 for a one bedroom apartment. They will go down a bit if we move after summer so we can get a better rate. I have a second job prospect lined up, so we both can be working full time before jumping into a lease.
Els Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 We pay half, which is $300. Going rates right now are between $950-$1100 for a one bedroom apartment. They will go down a bit if we move after summer so we can get a better rate. I have a second job prospect lined up, so we both can be working full time before jumping into a lease. Ah, okay. In that case I guess you just have to put up with it, since she is helping you in a way. I know it sucks, but if it's just temporary, then probably best to just nod and smile and ignore, and focus all your effort instead on getting your ducks in a row to move back out. 2
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