Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Compatibility vs chemistry? What's more important? A friend and I were having a conversation about this. Both of us agree that relationships take work. Personally I don't think you can necessarily settle because marriages for example are work, and once you choose to be with someone you choose to work with that person. In my opinion, attraction and chemistry can build and grow over time. I really want to get married. My boyfriend chooses you talk about marriage prematurely but I think that's what he wants marriage, & there's nothing wrong with that particularly. Chemistry can be quite blinding. I've had chemistry with guys only to have them choose someone else over me with all the flirting and banta etc ....so chemistry actually means diddly squat. I believe compatibility is far more important and even more so that the MAN pursues the woman. What do other people think? 3
Dallers Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I actually think it depends on the person and situation. I am fussy and always want something to happen by being spontaneous or interesting that is why I hate Online dating. So I guess I normally go for chemistry and the situation that leads to my dates. I do not look for shared interests or even care for them. I go on impulse and infatuation. I guess that is why most of relationships now are short lived. But, fun while they last 1
Elle1975 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Compatibility vs chemistry? What's more important? A friend and I were having a conversation about this. Both of us agree that relationships take work. Personally I don't think you can necessarily settle because marriages for example are work, and once you choose to be with someone you choose to work with that person. In my opinion, attraction and chemistry can build and grow over time. I really want to get married. My boyfriend chooses you talk about marriage prematurely but I think that's what he wants marriage, & there's nothing wrong with that particularly. Chemistry can be quite blinding. I've had chemistry with guys only to have them choose someone else over me with all the flirting and banta etc ....so chemistry actually means diddly squat. I believe compatibility is far more important and even more so that the MAN pursues the woman. What do other people think? Provided there is a minimum of physical attraction, compatibility. 1
Potz4prez Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Why not both? Seriously though... chemistry fizzles. Compatibility lasts. Depends on what you're looking for. 3
J21 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Chemistry for me. It's the rarer of the two. I've been on a date where we had compatibility in terms of lifestyle, religion, values, nationality,etc. But the chemistry just wasn't there for me. 2
todreaminblue Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 all things compatability and chemistry can be built.....compatability is more important than chemistry...makes a long term difference....marriage is team work......and for a team to work they have to have the same goal at the end. adn work towards that goal ....takes effort.........they have to match that goal ad work together for life so yes i believe compatability to be important chemistry can develop over time.....once i know someone i can create chemistry if i have some commonalities to work with.........that is why the guys have told me that i have been with i am not normally their "type" but i become their type......from developing chemistry i cant do that if we arent compatible...i become attractive more over knowing me than not knowing me......deb
waiting4u Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 This is a tricky question, and a good one. Let me define the terms how I see them. Chemistry: The other person smells amazing to you, your heart thumps when you see them (because you find them so attractive), you basically can't wait to rip their clothes off, your personalities complement each other - yin / yang sort of thing. Compatibility: You have shared interests, similar education levels, generally the same socioeconomic status, the same goals in life, and a similar philosophical / ideological outlook. I don't think it's just one or the other, but I'm leaning toward chemistry. As a single mum I've lately dated men based on perceived compatibility, as I was thinking long-term and wanted a partner that I could grow old with. But at the end of the day you have to get in bed with that person - and you can't be lukewarm about them - there has to be some sort of DESIRE involved. I'm seeing a guy right now that I have hot chemistry with, but likely a lack of compatibility. We are both educated and were raised similarly, but sometimes I think he didn't pay much attention in college (I know that sounds awful, but it's true) Whereas he's very mathematical and literal-minded, I'm more of a reader with an interest in languages. I'm very careful and he's much more reckless. I like elegance and he's rough around the edges and often tells tasteless jokes (which do make me laugh, at least). We don't really have any shared interests, to be truthful, apart from each other, and perhaps running - which neither of us are particularly passionate about - and maybe our pets. With all of that, I'm so comfortable around him it's like two puzzle pieces fitting together. I've been married and I've been in long-term relationships, and I know they are hard work. My ex-boyfriend and I had both chemistry and compatibility, in a way that was almost uncanny, and it was THE most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in (imagine dating all the bad things about yourself, seriously). Bottom line: I think differences are something that will arise in any relationship and it will be work at times. But if you don't have some sort of passion, then what's the point? They say opposites attract, and I think that's a good thing. People balance each other out. You're going to have to navigate difference inevitably, why not let it be with someone your body tells you that you should be with. 1
waiting4u Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Why not both? Seriously though... chemistry fizzles. Compatibility lasts. Depends on what you're looking for. I'll differ on this one. People change over the years. My ex-husband and I were VERY compatible when we met, but 12 years later, we basically had nothing in common.
Leigh 87 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Both. I don't need to date a friend. Which is essentially what compatibility minus chemistry is. 3
SadNLonley Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 For me, it was compatibility. Although the chemistry built as we became closer and closer. It would be the compatibility that would help in longevity. I was dating a man during small breakups with my ex that the chemistry was amazing!!! The compatibility not at all. It was basically a hookup in my opinion. I could not see myself in a relationship with him at all. It also made me realize I wanted my ex back. Compatibility and friendship 1
Targetlock Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 i guess its a little bit of both i guess, chemistry first, compatibility later 1
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I had this idea that chemistry had to be great for me to date someone. Got me nowhere. Provided that you find them somewhat attractive, I will go with compatibility any day. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Why on earth do people assume that good chemistry = a short but passionate affair, versus a "decent and ethical person plus LOW chemistry that LASTS" Sorry but it is very possible to find good chemistry with a decently nice person. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 WHY do people assume that the people who are decent people, treat you well and have good morals and values will NOT have good chemistry with you? Me and my good female friend have boyfriends who we have good chemistry with AND who are really, really decent men. We are nor anomalies.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I think in past experiences for me especially high chemistry = fizzle or even worse nothing gets even lifted off of the ground. But a guy who likes you ( and i mean me) buys me dinner, takes me places, courts me is kind, considerably consistent etc.. gentlemanly ... i might not have the most profound chemistry at the start but his kindness and gestures is enough for me to continue getting to know him and dating him because how he treats me is refreshingly different and so relieving to my heart. I see what you're saying Leigh87, but that hasn't been my experience so far. The chemistry is slowly building the more I'm learning to trust him. 2
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 WHY do people assume that the people who are decent people, treat you well and have good morals and values will NOT have good chemistry with you? Me and my good female friend have boyfriends who we have good chemistry with AND who are really, really decent men. We are nor anomalies. Who said compatibility meant having good morals? Two thieves with shtty values would get along great as long as they shared the same values. Compatibility does not mean having good values, it means having the same values, the same way to communicate and resolve conflicts, similar interests, etc.. Decency and compatibility are not related. Chemistry often is short lived.
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Chemistry fades after years together with a partner.... And even with high chemistry, you have to WORK to maintain passion! IMAGINE not starting with chemistry to begin with! It would be a million times harder to ignite passion since there was none to begin with. I have tried letting a good friend sexually pleasure me; I had no urge to kiss him or have sex with him, I could only stomach letting him service me in the bedroom. He was very cute and I really REALLY liked him as a person. However, I didn't want to have to "work towards" learning how to want to kiss him and have sex with him. This is an ADULT relationship we are speaking of! Not a FRIENDSHIP. You need compatibility and FRIENDSHIP as well as SOME natural spark and passion from the get go!
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Because most of the people that chase chemistry will overlook other things just because they want that chemistry. Also, I'd like to point out the idea that chemistry fades over time. If you are with someone mostly because you have good chemistry with them, it shouldn't surprise you that a couple years down the road you are no longer happy. Almost everything is possible. Yeah except some people like myself are not silly enough to go out and chase chemistry at all costs:lmao: say, with a loser who we cannot stand, simply because the "chemistry" is hot:lmao: It is a balance. My friend got intense chemistry with a man who is her best friend; I got pretty good chemistry with a wonderful man also. I think it is more about simply having SOME natural sexual drive towards a person opposed to having to work hard at he START just to create passion that isn't there naturally. You need some natural passion, but it doesn't have to be fireworks at first site; perhaps after a month of dating you should want to rip each others clothes off. SOME natural chemistry should be there for an adult relationship; otherwise you are dating a friend who you learn to enjoy sex with, and it will NEVER be as good compared to sex that has some passion to it.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Who said compatibility meant having good morals? Two thieves with shtty values would get along great as long as they shared the same values. Compatibility does not mean having good values, it means having the same values, the same way to communicate and resolve conflicts, similar interests, etc.. Decency and compatibility are not related. Chemistry often is short lived. Rapport i think is important thing. An easy flow of dialogue for example. Rapport will out weigh hedonistic, clothes ripping chemistry any day. Why? Because one day when the chemicals subside and all you've got in common is great sex then sex might not be the thing that keeps you together through the years. I had amazing sex with an ex who was abusive. The excellent sex or chemistry blinded me from identifying some horrible abuse i was allowing myself to tolerate. I look back and wonder if he loved me at all. Wonderful sex or chemistry can build from two people who are willing to work at it and have compatibility as a basis. That is extremely foundational. Anything on the movies i watch that resembles the notion of romance does not replicate or depict what goes on in.my world or the realities of people who met their significant others. A lot of the time it's more socially awkward or more humble than heart palpitating chemistry. 1
marcjb Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 even more so that the MAN pursues the woman. What do other people think? I think that two people should be pursuing each other, not just one pursuing the other.
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Rapport i think is important thing. An easy flow of dialogue for example. Rapport will out weigh hedonistic, clothes ripping chemistry any day. Why? Because one day when the chemicals subside and all you've got in common is great sex then sex might not be the thing that keeps you together through the years. I had amazing sex with an ex who was abusive. The excellent sex or chemistry blinded me from identifying some horrible abuse i was allowing myself to tolerate. I look back and wonder if he loved me at all. Wonderful sex or chemistry can build from two people who are willing to work at it and have compatibility as a basis. That is extremely foundational. Anything on the movies i watch that resembles the notion of romance does not replicate or depict what goes on in.my world or the realities of people who met their significant others. A lot of the time it's more socially awkward or more humble than heart palpitating chemistry. Well I always manage to find chemistry in SOME men I come across. Who probably aren't all terrible people and I am likely to be compatibly with. Hence why I am seldom single. I think it is a balancing act..... Finding some natural chemistry that is good and does not take MONTHS to form, but not necessarily the heart pounding stuff of the movies! Some natural spark should be in place or it is literally like marrying a best friend. NO romantic notions that are not created unnaturally. And it will never feel as romantic and intense as natural chemistry. You don't have to pick zero chemistry or LOW chemistry; you can pick mediocre chemistry plus an upstanding human being who you admire and is very compatible with you.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I think in my experience ( and experience shapes world view) chemistry = don't trust, doesn't work, short-lived and epic failure. Compatibility = slow burning, easy going, slowly building, longer lasting 3
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I think in my experience ( and experience shapes world view) chemistry = don't trust, doesn't work, short-lived and epic failure. Compatibility = slow burning, easy going, slowly building, longer lasting I understand. How about looking at it this way: Sure, your high chemistry attempts at a relationship have crash and burned. But rather than assuming the other extreme is going to be the most likely road to success, why not think: " well I may not have fireworks, but on the other hand, it doesn't necessarily have to be SLOW burning, either. Perhaps I can find a man I wasn't initially into in a romantic sense, but whom I BECOME quiet excited about, without it having to build up veryyyyy slowly on the chemistry front? Middle ground is what I am inferring to. Middle ground is great, I have developed great chemistry with men I didn't initially feel like kissing on the first or even second or third date. I think that chemistry somewhere in the middle could be ideal for you, since it can lead to passion without it taking months and months to get there.... You seem to think it is very much one of the other; hot chemistry or none at all, and very slow burning.
carhill Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Compatibility vs chemistry? What's more important? IME, being married, balance. My exW and I had excellent compatibility but frankly very little chemistry. If we hadn't been married and experienced the fallout of that, we'd probably still be good acquaintances and travel buddies. My best friend's wife often comments that I don't 'hate' my exW enough and she's probably right. I don't hate her. We actually had a pretty good M, save for the lack of that impulsion to either tear each other's clothes off or beat each other with blunt instruments. Hence, if I ever become involved with a woman again, there will be more of the tearing of clothes and blunt instruments. Tension. Balance. 3
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I've just learnt that a high rush of chemical buzz is not going to work for me. Over the years men that I wanted to be with just didn't want to be with me. I'm so glad I stuck with the man I'm with now. The way he treats me was like a cultural shock. Like being in a middle eastern country & they're all speaking Arabic. I didn't make sense at first. But I'm so glad I took the risk and stuck to it. The chemistry is building slowly ..i have no doubt that it will get there. For now, I'm just grateful for the experience of being treated like a queen for once. 1
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