djcos25 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) I went to dinner with a girl last night I've been trying to make plans with since February (I know, February, let me explain). We originally got coffee a few years ago, one of my best friends tried setting us up. At the time I wasn't interested, I was just hurt by another girl. Her schedule was so busy with school, taking care of her family, at the time she was the only one working. Dinner went great, we both had a great time. She wanted to split the bill but I told her not to worry about it. I walked her to her car, we talked more. I was parked on the other side so she drove me to my car, we talked even more. Because I've been trying to see her since February, I told her "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating, if not I'd like to date you." Also told her I don't want to rush into anything obviously. She told me she's not really ready to date, she over-thinks things sometimes, she thinks relationships come from friendships. She thinks of me as a good friend right now, she told me she's not saying no "forever" and she doesn't want to lead me on like the previous girls did. She also told me she hasn't had much experience with guys, and she's still a virgin (she's 25). Seeing she told me that, I told her that there is nothing wrong with or being ashamed of being a virgin. I lost mine at 26 (I'm 28). One girl actually blasted me for being a virgin at 26, which was horrible. After she told me all this I told her I understood and it was no problem, she said I'm "even more awesome cause most guys would be like 'ok see-ya.'" She thinks I'm a great guy, and even last week i came in with my Dad to do some shopping, she introduced herself to my dad, saying I'm a "true gentleman." I also told her seeing that I saw her only once, then her grandfather passed, I wasn't sure if I should have gone to the wake because I didn't want to make her feel funny. She told me she was very happy that I went, she was happy someone was there for her, and her family thought it was nice I came. I told her I felt bad having to ask her every week what her schedule was, and she said "How do you think I feel, every week I'm sitting there and I had to keep saying I was busy to you." Quite often she will 'like' my posts on facebook. So basically the plan is we're going to (hopefully) hang out more in the summer. Should I continue, or seek out other options and not put all my eggs in one basket? Also does anyone think she just sees me as a friend? Thanks. Edited June 26, 2014 by djcos25
GemmaUK Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating, if not I'd like to date you." Also told her I don't want to rush into anything obviously. She told me she's not really ready to date, she over-thinks things sometimes, she thinks relationships come from friendships. She thinks of me as a good friend right now, she told me she's not saying no "forever" and she doesn't want to lead me on like the previous girls did. Basically, you want to date her now. She doesn't want to date you now. She has left it open that she might want to date you at some point...but not now...but there's no guarantees she ever will want to date you. Mainly go with her not wanting to lead you on. Therefore if she never wants to date you as time goes by it's not her fault that you stuck around as she gave you no real indication she did want to date you. Top marks for how she worded it though!
preraph Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I think there's hope. I think she may have told you she wasn't dating right now because she is a virgin and most guys leave once they find out she's not putting out right away. But then you told her you were a virgin at her age, so this probably cut some ice with her as she knows you will be understanding. I would not give up on her, but don't make a pest of yourself. Do ask her to "hang out" with you and see if she wants to do that. Take your time getting to know her, but do touch her and hold her hand eventually and put your hand on her back sometimes to guide her getting up from a chair or walking on the sidewalk and let her get used to nonthreatening touches like that that are just polite. If you get past all that, she may start thinking of you romantically if she's ever going to. Keep in mind a couple of things though. It is sometimes true that a person who is a late virgin has some serious issues of some sort, maybe abuse or something like that in their background, or some mental disorder keeping them from connecting with people. So don't assume she's just a virgin because she wants to be a virgin. She may have a problem. You may be just the right person to get close to her. All you can do is take it slow and try. I would think this would be a nice relationship for her since she knows you will be patient. But of course, as you read on this board, there is always the chance she isn't attracted (maybe ever to anyone) so you can't rule that out either. You'll have to be brave. 1
Author djcos25 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Yeah I'm not a pushy guy or anything, I completely understand where she's coming from. When I got judged by that girl about being a virgin at 26 it was so demoralizing. Nobody should have to go through that. I was even surprised she brought that topic up, which is then why I told her my experience. I understand she's not ready, I just don't know if she's saying she doesn't want to date right now, generally speaking or she doesn't want to date me. I know she said she's definitely not saying no. I just don't want to get my hopes up. Basically, if it happens, it happens.
Diezel Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Why not continue to hang out with her AND also seek other options. Don't focus all of your energy on just one person when clearly she is not ready to do the same with you. Don't close the door on meeting someone better yet waiting around for this one. Sure, spend time with her, but don't expect a Hollywood ending either. Just be yourself and let it evolve.
Author djcos25 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) Yeah thats what I'm gonna do, even though I really don't have anyone else lined up at the moment. Also for what its worth, after I told her she was pretty she told me I was good looking and handsome. Throughout the whole night she would tap her feet against mine at dinner, or she would touch my arm or leg when we were talking in the car. Edited June 26, 2014 by djcos25
Assasda Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating, if not I'd like to date you." - so needy and clumsy. You just screwed yourself. Say that you arent emotionally secure. Anyway, You did a good job by continuing to see her, but I think youre very close to friendzoning yourself. When a girl introduces you to her dad as a "True Gentleman" youre very close to the friendzone - might even be in it 1
Dallers Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating, if not I'd like to date you." - so needy and clumsy. You just screwed yourself. Say that you arent emotionally secure. Anyway, You did a good job by continuing to see her, but I think youre very close to friendzoning yourself. When a girl introduces you to her dad as a "True Gentleman" youre very close to the friendzone - might even be in it Have to agree with this I am afraid fella. It is quite clear that she has put you in her list of friends and does not see you as a sexual partner. You must go in strong and direct in situations that you feel are leaning towards being friendly and really you should have tested the waters during that dinner date, made your intentions clear and gone straight in for a kiss at the end of the evening with nothing to lose. You decided to ask for permission to be something more, then gave her options by saying you are not sure what is going on but please can you have a date if this wasn't one. Even as a guy I would see that as a weak man. Cut your losses. Do not be friends with girls you like, it can destroy you as the more you can't have her the more you want her. 1
Author djcos25 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 How is what I asked me being weak and needy? You guys expect me to believe it was a date when I've been trying to set something up since February? She even asked me after if there were any signs that she gave off where she might have been flirting with me. She said she's generally nice to everyone so she might have given off that vibe. Also, she introduced herself to my dad.
Dallers Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) How is what I asked me being weak and needy? You guys expect me to believe it was a date when I've been trying to set something up since February? She even asked me after if there were any signs that she gave off where she might have been flirting with me. She said she's generally nice to everyone so she might have given off that vibe. Also, she introduced herself to my dad. Ignore the dad thing that is the aftermath so it matters not the focus is the date. Girls seek out confidence like a Galaxy Caramel bar hidden in a pile of teddy bears. Confidence is a huge turn on, they want to see that even if something does not seem to be what it is a guy does not question the situation he portrays what he thinks and what he wants. If she then does not want that then fine. But if she does she will be turned on by how the man takes control and shows that he has value and self respect and does not need her permission to want her. Do not question or ask permission, say what you want. You want her. What you did was make her feel like the man in that situation, you allowed her to be the confident one by asking her permission, and letting her make the decisions. A woman wants to feel like a woman and wants her man to be the man. It is that simple. Edited June 26, 2014 by Dallers 1
GemmaUK Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 How is what I asked me being weak and needy? You guys expect me to believe it was a date when I've been trying to set something up since February? She even asked me after if there were any signs that she gave off where she might have been flirting with me. She said she's generally nice to everyone so she might have given off that vibe. Also, she introduced herself to my dad. I quite liked what you said to be fair. And it wasn't pushy and let her know what you were looking for. I don't think what you said blew things. I do think she isn't quite ready to date yet. Is her home situ still as busy and tough as it was a while back?
Author djcos25 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Right cause when I said "if not, I'd like to date you." is not being confident. Gemma, when she was real busy, her schedule was so hectic. She would have classes during the day, an internship at night, then work on the weekends. At the time, she was the only one working and her co-workers felt bad so they would try to give her as many hours as possible. She just graduated in May.
Assasda Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 OMG Dallers has it completely correct. - I respect your imput so much now Dallers In that one statement you made : "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating, if not I'd like to date you." You asked for her permission, Seem unsure of yourself, and put her on a pedestal. You were needy for validation if it was a date. You were weak by saying "Well if its not a date, I would like to date you" - like youre not worthy. Either way man. See other women
Dallers Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Right cause when I said "if not, I'd like to date you." is not being confident. This was not the worst part of what you said, you lacked confidence at the beginning with: "I don't know if this was a date, but if it was I'd like to keep dating" This shows that you have no idea what is going on and that is because YOU have not looked for the signs and moved the date in the direction you want it to go by your own actions. Dating is not easy, far from it and you are not at fault or to blame it is just something that you learn. If she is not sure you must be capable of steering her into the direction of being sure by your confidence. This can change a girls mind from "I don't know what I want..." to "He is so lush I think I want him..." Sadly thinking that her busy schedule was the real reason is just you being in denial, no girl is too busy to get with a guy she wants. I work 7 days a week at the moment moving an entire company from one city to another. I have 2 dates lines up this coming week and intend to work 80 hours. If you want someone, you make time. Learn from this, and move on. But take on-board your actions do not look for excuses. Failure is how we learn. 1
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