Queenie860 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Good morning everyone. Where to begin....about 1 month ago, my ex-fiancé (who has always been the one who got away in my mind; he broke up with me way back when and broke my heart) contacted me through mutual friends. He started sending texts that were innocent enough. I kept asking myself what the purpose was. It's been 10-12 years since we last saw each other. I have moved on and have been married (somewhat happily for the past 10+ years). I enjoyed the conversation with him and we continued to exchange messages. About 2 weeks ago, we were chatting (very early AM for me since I am at school in UK, early evening for him in US). His wife of about 10 years as well was traveling on biz and our conversation took a turn. It got very hot and explicit. More so from his side than mine. It really turned me on, and at the same time, made me feel powerful -- that he had thrown me to the side so many years ago, and now was back knocking at my door. He asked me to get a secret email address so we could continue to chat in private. Away from prying eyes of our mobile phones. The next day, I felt a bit guilty but also very much under his spell. I got the email but didn't tell him right away. He was traveling for business and his texts were short with no hint of flirtation. We chatted briefly and I mentioned he could email me if he wanted the address. A few days later I received a text asking me for the address. I sent it and then no news again. A few days ago, I pinged him to see what was up. He replied that he hadn't emailed b/c he was thinking about what would happen if our families found out. I understood his point. He went on to offer to help me study for some upcoming exams I am taking for my master's degree. We are in the same field. We are not in the same time zone so I assume he means he would coach me via email or something. Feeling very confused about all this. It has stirred up a lot of the feelings I used to have for him. Now, I feel like I have been totally rejected yet again. And yet I find myself fantasizing about what it might be like if I was to see him in person (not likely to happen any time soon). I know it's probably best to let sleeping dogs lie but I just wish I could get into his head and figure out what he is thinking. He came on so hot and heavy and then fizzled out so quickly. There's not a lot of passion in my marriage after so many years, and I think I liked the thrill of this.
purplesorrow Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Good morning everyone. Where to begin....about 1 month ago, my ex-fiancé (who has always been the one who got away in my mind; he broke up with me way back when and broke my heart) contacted me through mutual friends. He started sending texts that were innocent enough. I kept asking myself what the purpose was. It's been 10-12 years since we last saw each other. I have moved on and have been married (somewhat happily for the past 10+ years). I enjoyed the conversation with him and we continued to exchange messages. About 2 weeks ago, we were chatting (very early AM for me since I am at school in UK, early evening for him in US). His wife of about 10 years as well was traveling on biz and our conversation took a turn. It got very hot and explicit. More so from his side than mine. It really turned me on, and at the same time, made me feel powerful -- that he had thrown me to the side so many years ago, and now was back knocking at my door. He asked me to get a secret email address so we could continue to chat in private. Away from prying eyes of our mobile phones. The next day, I felt a bit guilty but also very much under his spell. I got the email but didn't tell him right away. He was traveling for business and his texts were short with no hint of flirtation. We chatted briefly and I mentioned he could email me if he wanted the address. A few days later I received a text asking me for the address. I sent it and then no news again. A few days ago, I pinged him to see what was up. He replied that he hadn't emailed b/c he was thinking about what would happen if our families found out. I understood his point. He went on to offer to help me study for some upcoming exams I am taking for my master's degree. We are in the same field. We are not in the same time zone so I assume he means he would coach me via email or something. Feeling very confused about all this. It has stirred up a lot of the feelings I used to have for him. Now, I feel like I have been totally rejected yet again. And yet I find myself fantasizing about what it might be like if I was to see him in person (not likely to happen any time soon). I know it's probably best to let sleeping dogs lie but I just wish I could get into his head and figure out what he is thinking. He came on so hot and heavy and then fizzled out so quickly. There's not a lot of passion in my marriage after so many years, and I think I liked the thrill of this. Sounds like a little ego boost. If you miss the passion in your marriage, what stops you from trying to rekindle that? Looking else where won't do it. Everything you just did with that man, you could do with your husband. Didn't you use to fantasize about your husband? 1
Snowflower Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Girl, you are playing with fire! And, his whole thing of coming on hot and heavy and then backing off is very typical for a MM. It is probably completely unconscious on his part, but he is setting you up-and himself to some degree-for the push-pull, feeling guilty, etc. that is SO typical in affairs. It teaches you to accept little snippets, crumbs if you will, while he can tell himself that he isn't really doing anything all that wrong. Again, you are playing with fire here. Please stay away. Delete/block every avenue of communication you have with him. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Think about this. What happens when your husband finds out about it? There are no secrets on the internet. Somehow it has a way of coming out. That's why these forums are in existence. The fire in you marriage not burning as hot as it once did? That's why you were born with a mouth and a brain to communicate. Open your mouth and discuss it. Don't look outside your marriage to find some guy with a Bic ready to reignite the fire in your marriage. The only thing that will happen is he'll burn it to the ground
Clay Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I think the only advice I could offer you is if you are planning to cheat just leave your husband. Give him the same respect you would expect of him. I am sure you don't want him having a affair. I would hope you would expect him to talk to you first or leave you so you knew were you stood. Just divorce him and move on with your life. Its a much better answer than cheating and trying to deal with all the drama of your bad choices. Clay
TiredFamilyGuy Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 OP This ...romance porn ...can have no good outcome. You are deceiving yourself to think otherwise: do you want to be a secretive deceptive cheater, unengaged in your marriage? Disrespectful of your spouse? Would you be OK with that being done to you? Of course not. Your choices define you as a person. You made some bad ones already. You will get an ugly reality check and ruin lives, where you are headed. Your call. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Feeling very confused about all this. It has stirred up a lot of the feelings I used to have for him. Now, I feel like I have been totally rejected yet again. And yet I find myself fantasizing about what it might be like if I was to see him in person (not likely to happen any time soon). I know it's probably best to let sleeping dogs lie but I just wish I could get into his head and figure out what he is thinking. He came on so hot and heavy and then fizzled out so quickly. There's not a lot of passion in my marriage after so many years, and I think I liked the thrill of this. If you read your post you see that the whole basis for the relationship is based on fantasy.......the what if......scenario. We all have had first loves and wonder what if, and our real lives can never live up to a fantasy. However, he came back from the past and actually showed you what your life would have looked like. He dumped you once to be with someone else. He jerks your chain to get a little thrill for himself and then is off again. He uses people to get what he wants in life. This doesn't sound like such a great guy or life to me. My advice is put down the Harlequin Romance novels. If your marriage has problems, confront them to make the marriage better. If you are missing excitement in your life, then do something exciting. If you want romance in your life, start by being more romantic. Many people get to the fork in the road of their marriage and they have a choice to take the path of excitement and intrigue. It is a well worn path and starts out great and easy. However around the bend are the inevitable pitfalls that lead to disaster in the end. Robert Frost said it best: I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
Live_with_regrets Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 This is all just a fantasy. It may feel real but it isn't. Don't destroy your family for this man who had now rejected you twice. If passion is lacking in your marriage then it's just as much your fault as it is your husbands. Talk to him and work it out. You're heading down a slippery slope from which there will be no return. Delete all emails, block/delete contact info and never look back. I'm telling you from experience that what you're doing is not worth it and you will regret it for the rest of your life. I lost it all and still haven't recovered. Don't fall into the trap. This man doesn't live you not care about you. He isn't the one that got away. Past is the past. It's over. Let it all go and concentrate on your family.
Try Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 It really turned me on, and at the same time, made me feel powerful -- that he had thrown me to the side so many years ago, and now was back knocking at my door. He asked me to get a secret email address so we could continue to chat in private. Away from prying eyes of our mobile phones. The next day, I felt a bit guilty but also very much under his spell. I got the email A few days ago, I pinged him to see what was up. He replied that he hadn't emailed b/c he was thinking about what would happen if our families found out. Feeling very confused about all this. It has stirred up a lot of the feelings I used to have for him. Now, I feel like I have been totally rejected yet again. What is there to be confused about? He dumped you before, and now that he got the ego boost that he could get you to betray your husband by having an emotional affair (EA) with him, he dumped you again. He used you and you let him. Again, why are you confused when it is so obvious? If your are going to act like your single and not married with this other man (OM), next time you should play a little more hard to get. You betrayed your husband so easily, that it lost a lot of the fun for the OM. BTW, the lack of passion for your husband, as well as the reinventing of history in your mind that it was always so, is a common side effect of having an EA. BTW, when you stop fantasizing about the other man, you may find that you have more passion toward your husband. How about giving that a try?
Spectre Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Ignoring everything else, the fact you are in a marriage and yet feel another man is "the one who got away" speaks volumes. I don't get why you'd even bother getting married then.
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