upsetnhurt Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 April, Glad I am helping and I must say that you are helping me too. I think about my ex daily as well yet have to the realization that I am better off without her. You make me smile in terms of your reasons for being with him........family is important I agree, yet the money and the sex make me laugh. You can find other wealthy men out there who own big homes to move into and who knows you might also find another man who satisfies you even more than your current bf....His romantic side sounded great if it continued yet it has stopped and I can assure you that he will have lots of other things to focus on in the future outside of buying a home. What was behind the cheating incident. Who was she? Is she gone? How did he tell you about it? Did you take sometime to think and learn about what happened or did you accept his excuses? I know it is tough to be alone a bit yet from the sounds of it you need to take sometime to yourself to find yourself again and find that strong woman you used to be.
April22 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 The money, sex, and house lol. The money and house aren’t important; they are just nice to have ya know, but not needed. Had to be honest, good sex is important to me... A man who satisfies me even more? Gosh I think I would pass out during if it was any better. I apologize, I had some wine with mom so maybe I’m a little too honest now. Anyway, about the cheating incident. It was a big long thing, but I’ll try to make it short, but that is going to be hard to do without leaving out important details, lol. Well, she works at this club we always go to. I always saw her checking him while we were there, but I never thought anything of it. I have never been the jealous type; I kind of take seeing other girl checking him out as a compliment!! Well I guess when he went to the club with the guys that was her chance to move in. We had a bad time, we were fighting really bad (I don’t even remember what about) and he stopped talking to me. During the time he wasn’t talking to me he was sleeping with her. That is why I get so nervous now when he ignores me like this. She still works at the club, but he hasn’t been since, her name is out of his phone, and he told her numerous times even in front of me that he wanted nothing to do with her and to leave him alone (she didn't want to leave him alone). He didn’t exactly tell me about it. It all started when one day a friend of mine saw him out with her on the back of his bike. He told me about it, said he just took her for a quick ride. I didn’t mind. Few days later, a few friends saw them at the club she works at on her night off. They said that he was sitting on the couch with her and she was leaning against him with her hand on his leg. We had plans that night and after I found out what was going on I called him. My friends saw him ignoring my calls as they just talked to me and I told them to see what he does. He looked at the phone and ignored it, then went back to flirting and being all close with her. I was so furious I went there to confront him. That isn’t like me, but I had to know what was going on. He of course played dumb and lied saying that he was meeting a guy friend there and she just happened to be there and they were just hanging out. I knew he was lying since my friends saw them arrive together and then leave together. So then and there I broke up with him. He agreed that it was a good idea and I left. I was hurt, but my anger was keeping my sadness away. A couple weeks later I find out from a friend that is also friends with her that he has been sleeping with her for a month. I was out partying that night so had a few drinks in me and ended up getting her phone number from someone else and called her. She said that it was all true. That killed and I cut off all contact with him. A couple weeks after that I’m out with friends and he shows up there and approaches me. He asks what is wrong and I end up telling him what I knew and he admitted to it all. As if she didn’t tell him already that we talked, but whatever. He tries saying something to me, but I break down so bad and my friends get me out of there. I don’t know why, but this time I wasn’t mad, I was so crushed. I took a while after this to take my time to think. I wouldn’t have any contact with him at all. I find out from many that he left her because he was in love with me and wanted me back. BTW, she got me banned from the club she works at lol. That’s how mad she was about him wanting me back. Mature huh? Jumping ahead... He comes crawling back calling sending me stuff flowers and notes. While later after lots of begging I agree to meet with him. He had a looong note written explaining how it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Says he wants to move in, get married, and start a family when we are both ready. He ends up breaking down crying while talking to me about how much he missed and wanted to be with me. I thought a lot after that about the things he said and what he did trying to show me how sorry he was. At least a month after this affection from him still going on and much thinking on my part I take him back. Things were amazing until recently. Now I’m wishing I never went back to him since I am here again ready to leave him for being a donkey. After remembering all that stuff about cheating to write this brings back the feeling of anger I had back then. I wish he would call right now so I can get this over with. Wow, just realized it has been 5 days now with no reason of why he is doing this? I used to be so strong, happy, fun, and trusting. He broke me down when he cheated and doing this now is making me a mess again. You are right, I need to get away ASAP so I can take time to find myself and be who I was before him. Now, I have already made plans for this Friday and Saturday. Yeah, I’m hanging out with guys... I don’t have a choice since all my girlfriends are away for school. At least I won't be sitting home wondering about him. I hope Ryan calls before this. I just want to move on from him and have a good time in life and I can’t start doing that until it is ended since right now this is always on my mind. Closure does so much for me. After we have the breakup talk, I will have a good cry with my pillow, then pick my head up and look forward to how much my life is going to improve. How long has it been since you and you ex broke up?
April22 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Wow, I think I’m going to make a journal out of this thread. That way, if I ever start feeling weak again I can look back at this to remind me of what I’m going/went through. Good therapy Now if I could only figure out how to write as rapid and lengthy as I do here, for my school papers (I'm stuck working on many now that are still too short) and learn how to keep it short on boards.
upsetnhurt Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 April, You better have been strong today , were you? Sounds like he made a major mistake in cheating on you and really attempted to reconcile with you subsequently. The problem here is that he felt the need to change to keep you in his life, not the need to change to make himself a better person for all. People typically revert back to their norm once they obtain the comfort zone that they had. It is a personality trait that you will either have to deal with or choose to accept the pain now for the betterment of your future. I feel so much sympathy here as I know how hard it is to deal with. You made me smile with your "sex" comment as I totally understand what you meant in terms of finding a great physical partner. My ex and I were completely compatible in that area amongst many others. We broke up 2 and 1/2 months ago due to her inability to emotionally cut ties with an ex who she had dated for four years prior to our 1 yr relationship. Ironic thing is that her ex became a stalker and committed acts of violence against my property in order to get her attention. Seems to have worked unbelievably as she let me know that she just could not get over the guilt of what she has put him through and needed to go figure things out. I was devastated as I was able to and did fall in love with her and would have given the world to her April. We had chatted on and off yet had not seen eachother up until two weeks ago when I had enough. I went through the anger stage and questionned her as to if she was still in touch with the ex. The answer was yes via email and who knows what else and I lost respect for her at that moment. I wouldn't have a problem with someone wanting to go back to an ex if that is what they felt yet someone going back to another who harmed me I had a problem with, especially when she loves to say the I am the greatest guy she has ever met in her life. So there is my story......no matter how much I feel for her I realize that she has traits that are not positive in nature and you need to realize that of your boyfriend. I have to say that I miss her dearly yet April more and more I am realizing that what I miss is the companionship and the physical closeness. Having sex on a daily basis is something I got used to and now to go full force the other way is devastating. All in all good things will happen to both of us and we just have to have faith. I hope I did not ramble yet like you when you get on a topic that is dear to your hear.......you can talk the talk .
April22 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I apologize for not writing back right after I read your reply, I am going crazy trying study for a huge exam tomorrow and I writing a paper that is due right after that. It is so hard to concentrate right now! Have I been strong? Well, I haven’t called him so I’ve been good a good girl that way. I have been thinking of him non stop all day, everytime my 2-way goes off my heart jumps!! Of course it is never him. I wrote out a letter today with everything I want to say to him when he calls. I’m not a good talker over the phone when it comes to a conversation like this so I’m going to keep the letter on me for when he calls. I want to get out what I want to say without choking up and having that to glance at should help me get through it and get it done with fast. Some have told me I should just go meet up with him and end it that way, but facing him would be even worse because I know if I had to do this face to face I would break down in the first sentence and seeing him might make me change my mind. Not a good idea. My heart is telling me to stay with him because I know he loves me and I should give him the chance, but my head says that he isn't right for me and that it is the best decision for my life that I made in these past 3 years. I always follow my heart, but I think I have to listen to my head this time. Agree? I can’t believe he still hasn’t called!! Especially since we were on such good terms when we last talked/saw eachother. He even said he wanted me to come to his new house the next day and see how everything is coming. Something is definitely going on I think… I know it was nothing I did wrong, unless I scared him with that talk and he needs space to think. Why can’t a guy just say… Hun, I need space for a bit to do some thinking or whatever, instead of just ignoring me out of nowhere? I think ignoring someone without the balls to give them a reason is just spineless. I just want to get this over with! I haven’t been able to sleep much. I am also the opposite of most girls, most girls like to eat and eat chocolate and ice cream of whatever when they are going through something like this. I’m the opposite; I have no appetite at all. I have been forcing myself to eat so that I stay healthy, but I just feel like I’m going to throw up. That is how sick this is making me feel. About your ex, that’s crazy that she responded to her exs foolish actions in the way she did. His act of committing violence against you is screaming for a restraining order, not, baby feel guilty for me! I don’t get what she is thinking there. Sounds to me she is like those girls who have compassion and run and comfort the exs who do desperate things. One ex of mine told me he was going to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me, I responded with stop calling me! This just reminded me of that. He tried making me feel guilty, but I knew better. Well, no surprise, he survived lol… Violence and that kind of thing scares me and I would be running in the other direction, but the fact the she didn’t give you a huge right to have no respect for her. I hope what I said doesn’t make you upset with me, I just have strong a strong opinion against violent guys. I was hit a few times in a row by a guy before because he went into a jealous rage (another long story lol) which gave me a bloody nose, swollen face, and a severely blackened eye and all around it. I wish I had pictures; my face looked like I got jumped by a gang lol. Not trying to get sympathy here, just explaning reasons behind why I feel the way I do about people like your exs ex. Now any sign of violence in a guy terrifies me and I am out of there. I am sure she has many great qualities, many that you miss and think of, but the parts of her non positive character are why you are making the best decision which is to move on. You will find a girl who will cherish all of the wonderful things about you. I wish I could find this man for me now, but I know it is best to take the time to heal and really learn from the past relationship. Actually, I wish I had that man now, but that isn’t happening so I must get ready for him I have faith for both of us. You sound so bright, charming, and compassionate. Your ex must of had blinders on or something, you’re next love will be lucky to have you Ok, done my rambling for tonight lol. Back to my paper…. Still on page one
upsetnhurt Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 April, "My heart is telling me to stay with him because I know he loves me. I always follow my heart, but I think I have to listen to my head this time. Agree?" Is this the type of love that you want from a man. Stop thinking with your heart and anything else other than your head! You are too young (me too!) to settle for someone any less than perfection. He better have called already! As for me you made me feel real good about myself. I realize that I did everything and then some to try to make my relationship work. I even put up with her ex's crap out of respect for her.........it is her loss. My only problem is I am a sensitive type and I really did care about her thus I constantly think about her..........its ironic since I doubt she thinks about me too much as she is pre-occupied I am sure. There is no excuse for him not to call you. It is simply disrespect no matter what the excuse is and I can't wait to hear it........At one point you need to decide if closure is necessary and if not simply never return his call again! How was your paper and test?
April22 Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 I got up so early this morning to finish my paper. Whew, I got it done before class so I’m pleased. The exam was difficult. I have never been great at math and this is the last math class required for my degree, whew!! I was able to focus, so I’m happy. I did my best I have always been really sensitive and very caring about things. Maybe that is why I follow my heart too much? I have been growing up lately. Monday night a few of my friends invited me out, this was right after we had a big snow storm. I decided that it wasn’t the best idea since the roads were still bad, so I stayed in. I’m so proud of myself! A couple years back, I would have gone without thinking twice about it. I have Ryan to thank for a lot of that. Him being 6 years older then me really made me grow up fast and made me such a better and responsible person. I am finally listening to my head and making the right decisions. About this relationship, this has been the hardest one to make. He hasn’t called!!! My jaw dropped when I read... At one point you need to decide if closure is necessary and if not simply never return his call again! I was thinking about the exact thing earlier tonight. It just blows my mind that he just stop calling me with no reason behind it. Well, none that I know of. There really is no excuse for what he is doing. I have been thinking about him all day. I guess the anxious feeling and missing him are both normal feelings. I am getting to the point to that I don’t even think I should talk to him again. I would like closure and to find out what is going on, but maybe finding out whatever excuse is for his actions would hurt me even more. I have heard and read from so many people that they are going through waiting for their SO to call… Reasons always seem to be that they were to busy. I have gotten that excuse from him too many times! If he is having a busy day, I don’t care if he calls me on the crapper during his only free time, lol. Just a little call saying hello makes my day. Well I am so looking forward to the plans I have for Friday and Saturday night. Just sucks that I know he will find out about it since he is a really popular guy and has friends everywhere. No matter what I do or where I go, he gets a call or something telling him what I’m doing or where I am. My friends are all guys at the moment since the girls I am close with are away. He knows that, and as long as he has hung out with me and the guys to get to know them a bit, he is fine with me hanging out with them. But his friends freak when they see me out with another guy and go running to him. Maybe he likes when they let him know what I’m doing, scary thought… I went to a restaurant in another town with a guy friend the other night and he had a phone call telling him I was there right when I walked in!! I didn’t even notice anyone he knew. The person even described the guys I was with and everything. I know he will find out about me being out with a guy friend Friday since I’m going to a popular bar in my city. That should be good so he knows I’m enjoying myself without him, right? Do you think I should even answer when he calls? Do I really need that closure? Like I said before, I think knowing the truth might hurt me more then knowing nothing at all. So maybe I should just drop all contact from now on. Time to put away our pictures and all of the things he gave me, delete his name from my phone, and take off the ring he gave me so I can stop thinking about him. Do you think just doing no contact from now on sounds like a better idea then to wait for him to decide to call then break it off? You ex screwed up as did mine, their loss. I doubt she thinks about me too much as she is pre-occupied I am sure. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that she is thinking about you. Why wouldn’t she be? You treated her so great, and she couldn’t cut ties with a guy I look as, as umm, crazy!! I’m sure it didn’t take long for her to see what a mistake she had made. Once you loose something, you finally see how great it really was. Some people aren’t willing to admit their mistakes, but I don’t know that much about her. But I have a gut feeling that you are in her thought throughout the day.
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