Still heart broken and waiting...

[Depressed2Day]

I have been reading the post on here since Vday and it made me feel better that I wasn't the only one going through this. I also received nothing on Vday. For him, I baked him his favorite cookies and got him a sweet card. We have been together for almost 3 years and he always gets me flowers or writes me a special letter on special days like BDays, Vday, anniv...etc. He also asked me earlier what I wanted for Vday and I said some flowers or anything small.

 

I thought he was joking when he apologized for not getting me anything for Vday, but once I figured out he wasn't joking I was so upset. I told him I was hurt that he didn't put any effort into the day. He said he was sorry, but he has been so busy. Nice excuse, I'm too busy to take a few mins out of my day to do something for the love of my life. Right... I left his house without saying goodbye or anything and went home heart broken.

 

I hope that this post doesn't sound selfish, but I guess since he even asked me what I wanted for the day and I told him what I wanted, I guess I was expecting to get something, at least a card. He lives off of a main road which is full of flower shops and places that sell cards, so that is just sad. He has to pass them all to go home from work or where ever he goes!

 

I have had my phone glued to me since, waiting for him to call and appologize or to say that he wants to do whatever to make it up to me, but he hasn't even called once. I'm scared.

 

I should add that 6 months ago we were going thru a bad time and he thought it was going to be over between us so he started sleeping with this other girl. He stopped calling me the whole time this was going on. It didn't last long and things have been great between us since.

 

Was I out of line for leaving upset without even saying goodbye that night? What should I say when he finally does call? Did I just push him back to the other women or possiably a new one? Why isn't he calling?! Any ideas please

[Hund1976]

He could be waiting for you to call since maybe he's thinking to himself "well she walked out on me, so she should be the one to call" if you're both waiting for eachother to call then neither of you will ever find out what's up. I would go ahead and call him. Don't aplogize for anything. Say you were really disapointed on valentines day and felt like he didn't care about you. If he runs out and hooks up with another girl in the meantime then that should be a sign that he's not the guy for you and you should move on.

[Sckott]

Agree. Phone works both ways. If you care about this guy, call him. There's no harm in it.

[HotCaliGirl]

Call him right away before he gets tempted to get with another girl. Even though HE'S the one who hurt you, he may be just as hurt too and not be able to see things from your point of view.

 

Ideally he should not only call, but bring you flowers, etc. but that is in an ideal world. You should call and apologize even if you have to, before his feelings for you start to diminish... Don't wait any longer.

[upsetnhurt]

I would definitely not call. This is not a battle of the wills here.......you have been dating for three years and let me tell you that if he forgot to get you something on Vday now before you are married, you can forget the future......you need to decide if you want someone like that in your life. Don't think short-term, think long-term.

If he felt sorry he would have approached it differently and called to say it......obviously he does not and he will lose out. Who cares if he is back with the other woman? if you are scared of that thought....there are obviously greater issues you need to resolve, that being trust!

[Depressed2Day]

Quoted: Ideally he should not only call, but bring you flowers, etc. but that is in an ideal world. You should call and apologize even if you have to, before his feelings for you start to diminish... Don't wait any longer.

Quoted: He could be waiting for you to call since maybe he's thinking to himself "well she walked out on me, so she should be the one to call" if you're both waiting for eachother to call then neither of you will ever find out what's up.

Quoted: Phone works both ways. If you care about this guy, call him. There's no harm in it.

 

- Those are great points and I picked up my phone and got ready to dial after reading that.

 

Then I read on...

 

Quoted: I would definitely not call. This is not a battle of the wills here.......you have been dating for three years and let me tell you that if he forgot to get you something on Vday now before you are married, you can forget the future......you need to decide if you want someone like that in your life. Don't think short-term, think long-term.

If he felt sorry he would have approached it differently and called to say it......obviously he does not and he will lose out. Who cares if he is back with the other woman? if you are scared of that thought....there are obviously greater issues you need to resolve, that being trust!

 

- Another great point

 

My phone is now slid across the floor and my head is spinning.

 

My birthday is in a week and a half. Does that change anything? What if he was planning something special and was saving it for my birthday and now is mad because of the way I acted on V-Day. I feel selfish when I think of it that way.

 

To call or not to call. Really, does my b-day being in a week and half make a difference?

[April22]

Hey this is Depressed2Day. I just registered so my post get on here quicker. I don't think last one I wrote earlier is up yet.

 

Well, I decided that I would make the first move, and then see if he is happy that I called or has anything to say, so I called him. He didn't answer

 

WAIT

 

He just beeped my on the nextely two-way as I was typing that sad face. Says he is out with his friend and has to run an errand and he'll call me after.

 

I feel better now because since I have been with him for almost 3 years, he knows that I need a cool down period after something that really upsets me. So I think he might be thinking that I would call him when I'm not mad and I'm ready to talk to him.. Maybe he is thinking that he should make it up to me on my birthday since it is only 1.5 week away? Just trying to get inside his head, lol.

 

Hope I did the right thing. Now I'm trying to think of what to say when he calls back. I don't want to bring up the V-Day thing right away and have him feel like I'm calling just to nag him.

[upsetnhurt]

Can't he pick up the phone when his girlfriend calls regardless of who he is with? Is this friend the other woman you are talking about? Something seems fishy here to me.......and you seem a bit dependent on him I think as you were continually finding fault with your own actions and not with his. All you did was voice your disappointment over something......if you can't do that without him not calling for days, I suspect that this relationship is short lived......I want the best for you so I will tell you not to get your hopes up for a big birthday bash. If it happens be surprised yet don't count on it please or you will be devastated.

[April22]

He is actually out with this guy Mark who first introduced us! Mark is a friend of ours.

 

I am not happy that Ryan did not answer his phone (Ryan is his name) when I first called. I know that he saw it was me and just ignored it for a few mins either to torture me or to decided what he was going to say. I am sure he was talking to Mark trying to decide if he should answer it or not. I do the exact same thing when I'm out with my girls.

 

It is kind of funny how 3 years ago right after me Ryan and I meet, Mark was telling me about his friend, my Ryan who a few months prior got his heart stomped on by his gf cheating on him and then left him and moved in with the other guy. The other guy she left him for ended up being his best friend.

 

Mark told me that if we get into a relationship to promise to never cheat on him. He said that it would just kill him. I made that promise and have kept it. I promised that I would never break his heart. Mark told me what he saw Ryan going through after the break-up, that he would definitely never cheat on me or ever break my heart. Thanks Mark for putting that belief into head! LOL

 

I am sad to say that I have been getting dependent on him, and yes! I am continually finding fault with your own actions and not with his. I was NEVER like this before this relationship, I don't like that. This is my first time being in a long term relationship and I never have been dumped in my whole life. I have never had trouble before when I was put into the situations, I would just tell the guy that it isn't working out anymore, blah blah blah...and I was fine and ready to go party it up with my friends. It was so easy for me. I was never hurting. I love to date around! I have become a bit dependent on him I think as you were continually finding fault with your own actions and not with his. --Yeah and like how I always make up excuses for the bad things the he does to me, making it always sound my fault. What kind of women did he turn me into?!

 

My mom says that Ryan has a power over me. I am a different person when he is with me. I can now see that. When I'm with him I never answer phone calls, I blow off plans with others because he jumps up and says no I want to hang out with you and then of course I do! For the first time in my life I put a man first in my life. Everyone sees it including me. I love him to death, but my family, friends, training/competitions, all the work i have to do for my Degree...THey all get put off if Ryan wants to see my or do something or needs something. I'm always happy to do it, but why? it would never go the other way around. I haven't been first to him since our first year of our relationship.

 

Birthdays up to this point have been magical, but I am not expecting that this year. Birthdays have always been a huge deal to my family. I'll go with your don't count on it thing, then hopefully I won't get devastated and I'll have a wonderful day with or without him.

 

Also edited to add: that we have been talking (on the phone) while I have been writing this. No he does not know about this site lol. He is home and is telling me about his day which was not so good, and I followed by telling him how mine went (only leaving out the bad parts) and I get extra excited about the good parts hehe, so he doesn't think i've been laying in bed almost crying all day. I don't want him to know he affects my life to that extent. He knows how I feel and that I'm not happy, but i'm not acting depressed or upset which is a good thing right?

[HotCaliGirl]

Yes, that is a good thing to leave out the bad parts and not show you're depressed so he won't know how much he's affecting you and making you want to cry...so did you bring up V-day yet? or you're not going to?

 

Even if he goes all out for your b-day in a couple of weeks, it doesn't compensate for him not getting you anything for v-day, especially since you are not ok with that. What if you don't do anything about it and he ends up repeating things next year? Think about that...

 

Mark is so busy telling YOU not to break HIS heart?! Why don't you get one of your friends to tell Ryan the same thing? I think he's the one that needs to be told that.

[April22]

No I haven't brought up V-day yet. He isn’t stupid and I told him on that night how I feel so I don’t think I should need to bring it up again. We were talking back and forth last night on our 2-ways about our days and then he just stopped talking. I'm guessing he fell asleep since he was up at 5am and had a rough day. But he hasn't called since so I'm absolutely not planning to call him.

 

When Ryan had to other women back then, he had many people telling him how much an idiot he was. Many of his friends have approached me and told me about conversations they had with him and how they are sure he will never break my heart again. But that was months ago, I haven't told anyone besides you guys about the V-Day thing. I'm almost embarrassed about it and I already know what my friends will say.

 

I forgot to add before that: I go to school a couple hours away from home and live up here in housing on campus during the week. I don't have my own address, just a little campus box that barley fits an envelope, that's it... I have never even been to it, lol... So he can't send me flowers or anything up here. He also lost his license for 90 days so he can't just drive up here. So making it up to me right now I guess is a little difficult, that is if he wants to.

 

Whatever, no more making excuses for him. He should at least be calling right now and trying to get win points to start making up for the V-day thing. IMO

 

My calling him first is already more effort to fix this than maybe I should be doing. I'm not going to call anymore; it's all up to him now

[HotCaliGirl]

Whatever, no more making excuses for him. He should at least be calling right now and trying to get win points to start making up for the V-day thing. IMO

That's true...you are making way too many excuses on everything for him, but I understand that it could help to make you feel better. Just remember that the truth is not the excuse part.

 

My calling him first is already more effort to fix this than maybe I should be doing. I'm not going to call anymore; it's all up to him now

I KNOW this will be hard to do and have a feeling you might eventually cave in and call.

 

The fact that you're away at school is more reason you should've received flowers, since he's not there with you etc. He could call a local florist and have them delivered to you, but the excuses are easier to believe. I guess he will eventually make it up for your b-day. Maybe he can't afford to do something on both of those dates.

[HotCaliGirl]

Whatever, no more making excuses for him. He should at least be calling right now and trying to get win points to start making up for the V-day thing. IMO

That's true...you are making way too many excuses on everything for him, but I understand that it could help to make you feel better. Just remember that the truth is not the excuse part.

 

My calling him first is already more effort to fix this than maybe I should be doing. I'm not going to call anymore; it's all up to him now

I KNOW this will be hard to do and have a feeling you might eventually cave in and call.

 

The fact that you're away at school is more reason you should've received flowers, since he's not there with you etc. He could call a local florist and have them delivered to you, but the excuses are easier to believe. I guess he will eventually make it up for your b-day. Maybe he can't afford to do something on both of those dates.

[FoShizzleMyNizzle]

I'm not exactly clear on whether he is in a relationship with you or not.

[mymojo]

He didn't get you anything for Vday because he simply didn't want to be bothered.

 

Why sit there and spend hours making excuses for him when he probably hasn't given this issue a single thought since Monday?

[_Saffy_]

erm, wait just one minute here.......

 

you have been with this guy for three years and he couldnt even be bothered to get you a card. nor has he bothered to make it up to you, and he has not even bothered to contact you.

 

you cave in and call him........and he doesnt answer your call. you even admit that you "know that he saw it was me and just ignored it for a few mins either to torture me or to decided what he was going to say. "

 

 

 

you are making excuse after excuse for a guy that treats you this way, WHY??

 

 

mymojo is exactly right!

[upsetnhurt]

Depressed,

 

So sorry we all sound so angry over your actions. Remember that we are on here for probably some sort of breakup and we were in your shoes once being the individuals who were giving all of ourselves in a relationship when the other person did not seem ready and willing. So we are trying to limit your pain and quicken your recovery. With that said you have an oppotunity that we do not have, that being you are still involved with him. If you really care and want to try to make this work with him you NEED to talk with him now and find out how committed he wants to be to giving you everything you deserve. Its a hard talk yet one that I know I wish I had with my ex gf while we were together. Then I would have received proper closure.

[upsetnhurt]

Depressed,

 

When I say "deserve", please don't think I mean flowers. You deserve RESPECT!

[April22]

Hey guys, kind of an update and more suggestions needed here.

 

Please don’t be sorry for being angry over my actions. I know I have made many mistakes and hearing you all telling me what I’m doing wrong and what I need to do is what helps me. Honesty is best. My RL friends seem to sugar coat everything, but I want peoples real opinions. You all got me through a situation months ago, so that is why I really value everything you say.

 

About this thread, I did what most of you said to do. To sit down and have a talk with him about our issues.

 

Well he finally called me on Friday night. He said he really wanted to see me and I agreed to go over and hang out when I was done doing my stuff. I went over and was trying to think of a way to bring up what I wanted to talk about. Well he started talking about HIS future of the house he is buying and everything, so I jumped in there.

 

I said everything, what I was not happy about; I told him exactly what I wanted in our relationship, and everything else. He agreed that he wanted the same things I want. He wants the commitment and says he is excited about our future together is that he is totally ready for it. He commented that if he didn't want to move onto the next step with me and have a future together, we wouldn't have stayed together for 3 years. Everything he said made me so happy, we had an amazing night after that, and I went home later thrilled. He said he would call me in the morning.

 

I bet you can guess what I'm going to say next...

 

He hasn't called!! It is now after 11 at night on Sunday and that was Friday!!

 

Want to talk about mixed signals? Why would he answer all my questions like he did and then totally blow me off? I don't get it. Do you think he just answered everything to what he knew I wanted to hear because I put him on the spot (well there is no easy way to have that conversation) but he really didn't mean what he said?.. So that's why he decided he isn't going to call me... Or the another women idea of course has run through my head.

 

I haven't tried to contact him. I'm just once again waiting for him feeling so sick inside thinking about what he is doing/thinking

 

I'm so confused and frustrated.

 

Had the talk, he told me everything I needed to hear to make me happy and confident about our relationship, then stops talking to me. Now what...? This is why it is so hard on me. Whenever I’m ready to say…goodbye loser, he goes and turns into Mr. Wonderful and does or says something to make me sooo happy and sure about our relationship. Then pulls this poo again

 

I apologize that this is so long. Too much on my mind

[Hund1976]

Maybe he's just trying to maintain his power over you by pulling your strings. I would tell him that you're upset with him not calling you, but don't flip out about it or anything and then start making plans to do other stuff with your friends and then stick to those plans. Even if he calls you at the last minute. He might be taking you too much for granted after being with you so long. So if you want him to respect you don't be a pushover towards him, make him earn your love.

[karlym3]

Im going to give you my honest opionion. Break up with him. ENd it. This relationship is causing you to much pain. Can you imagine if you two were married. Tell him that when /if he decides to become serious-give you a call and not a minute sooner. In a way, you are consenting to his behavior because you are putting up with it. He see's that he has 100% control over you. He see's that not only do u want him but you NEED him. Dont ever let a guy think that. Walk away from it. Dont have a conversation with him abotu just say, im not happy its over--and waht I stated above. Go into no communication mode with him for a while. MAke him grovel for you. If he doesnt-u dont need him . Im not sure who said it above but it sounds liek you are 90% of this relationship. That is painful and hurtful. Relationships are not supposed to be like that. It will be sad to be alone, yes but you will findosmeone else. Even so the pain of what he is doing to you is Worse then feeling lonely. I have been there and done that!!!!!!!!

[upsetnhurt]

April,

 

I will be blunt as always and know that this will hurt in the short-term yet benefit you in the long-term. You have had the chance that most of us had not had which was to voice your opinions on where you hoped the direction of your relationship would go.) As a man I will tell you the truth that you put him on the spot (most appropriate and he said what he knew you wanted to hear. That does not mean that he does not want the same things, cause who wouldn't. Yet you were hoping that his actions would change based on his revelations. Unfortunately you can't change people, they need to want to change themselves and what you see from him which obviously causes so much pain will never go away. This is who he is and you need to decide now if you want that type of personality in your life. It's better to decide now rather than later when more feelings and responsibilities are involved. I would definitely not call him as that to me would indicate that you condone his actions. I would (and I know it hurts) alert him when he calls that you have decided that you need some space to find out what it is that you want in life. Establish no contact and MEAN IT! This guy is sort of a player and this "other woman" may not be fully established with him yet she occupies some of his thoughts obviously. Let him go and lose at life and you be the winner in this and find someone who will cherish you! Three years is not lost as you have learned tons from this .....and you will see it as the hurt starts to wash away.

[April22]

Hund, you are right; he is now a master at pulling my strings. He has me right where he wants me. I’m sitting around waiting and wondering about him, waiting for his call, ready to ask how high when he says jump.

 

karlym3, I don’t know how he did it, but he changed it from him being unfaithful to me and coming back crying while crawling on him knees begging for my forgiveness.. Back to having 100% control over me. How can I let him do that? All this time I am spending hurting and feeling lonely I could be spending getting over him and moving on with my life.

 

Upsetnhurt, your post made tears fall down my cheeks. I am glad that I had the chance to have that talk with him, but after reading your post I really do see that his actions are telling me that I need to let him go. I let him go before when he hurt me last summer and he came back acting like a changed man and I know he will come back again, but this time I have to be strong and remember how I feel right now and not let him come crawling back into my life.

 

Little things like not having him on my birthday next week, not being the first to make love with him in his new house next month, and letting loose the pack of female hounds that already want a piece of him, are killing me. I think I’m going to write down what you wrote: “Let him go and lose at life and you be the winner in this and find someone who will cherish you!” and look at that when I start feeling bad, like I’m starting to again right now.

 

You said to tell him I need space to find out what I want in life. I think if I said that, he would take it as: ok she is still mine, but we are just going to do our own thing for a little while, but yeah I still got her. I need to plan out what exactly I’m going to say, I love and want him so much :smacks self: so not choking up while breaking up with him is going to be hard.

 

Really I want to say to him: you promised me things were going to change after you hurt me and they did for a while, but things are right back to where they were last summer. I’m not happy and I can’t go on like this anymore. (This is where I know I’ll start to cry) so now tell him I have to go, (before he hears me breaking down) and Bye... Then no contact from me… I don't think I need to explain myself more since I had that talk with him only a few days ago and he knows what I want and how I feel... I know this isn’t the breaking up forum, but do you think that is a good/strong way to really let him go?

[upsetnhurt]

April,

 

I think your anticipated actions are the right way to go and I now agree that by saying you need space you might be giving him the wrong impression. Let me ask you a few things and think hard because something tells me that you will fall down and beg him back..........What is it that you love so much about him? Is it really him or are you just in love with the idea of having someone in your life? I could be wrong yet I think it is the latter..........You might think he has such a great heart and you would be willing to do anything and everything for him yet how does he reciprocate........by ignoring you and disrespecting you on numerous occassions and quite possibly focusing his attentions on another woman (I am still confused on that topic)...........Seems to me that there really isnt much to be in love with. April, what is it that you want in life and a partner? Are you willing to work to get it? Shouldn't your partner work just as hard? Three years is long enough to form an opinion on his potential as a mate and I don't think he passes the test. Let these other women fall all over him cause they too will get hurt in the end. Be the smarter one and start moving towards getting healthy and realizing you are ten times the better person here. Stop the tears (although crying is a good thing), get angry and hold your own. Why would you break down? What are you losing here........someone who hurts you on numerous occassions? He hasnt called yet has he? CMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I am helping. I am going through a similar process and I have hit the anger stage and you know something.....I think I am seeing the light. The right partners are out there and we will find them soon enough.

[April22]

I have a million thoughts about upsetnhurts last post. This tends to get long, but I want my real feelings to come out so I don’t stop and think before I write. I don't expect anyone to read all this, it really is just thoughts that came from what you said I should think about. I can just update with what happend, after he calls... whenever that may be.

 

Ok,

I think everyone loves the idea of having someone in their life. It is nice to have someone that is there to always talk to, be with, and to love/be loved by, but this is not the reason I’m staying with him. My friends are there for me and I was perfectly happy spending my time with them before I met him.

 

There are many reasons why I love him so much. First is his life. He has a very successful job. He could support both of us with no problem if there was ever a need. He even just bought his own house. He is 26 and did this on his own with no help from the parents or anyone, I really am proud of him for that. (I'm sorry if I repeat myself in this thread) The house is brand new and is big and perfect for a family which we both said we wanted someday. He is responsible, smart, and mature about all these things in his life. Also he has a wonderful, loving, caring, and close family. They all adore me and I adore them as well. Those things are not all needed, but are nice for the other person to have, in my eyes.

 

When it comes to him personally, I guess I am in love with the person he was. I remember one day I was having a bad day at work and called him upset about it. When I got out of work, on my windshield was card with a love note inside to make me feel better and happy. It became a normal thing, him putting notes and single roses on my windshield while I was at work. Another time I was out of town for something and when I came back I found 11 pink roses and 1 white (I forget the meaning of that) on my bed with a note telling me how much he missed me. He always sent me little gifts at work for special days and I have a box full of notes and cards he wrote me that clearly took lots of thought and heart to write. He always did little things to show how much he loves me.

 

The little things mean the most to me. He has supported every decision I have had to make from quitting work to go back to school to much more serious stuff. I guess I should throw in also that we had and still have the most amazing sex life. There has never been a dull moment for either of us anytime or anywhere. He sure takes care of me in that dept and I happily do in return. We just have clicked since day one of that level of our relationship. I have never had a connection with anyone like that and he has always said it is the same for him. I’m tingly just thinking about it.

 

Whew that was a lot.

 

All of the above plus more that was not on the top of my head are why I thought he was such an incredible guy and I fell head over heals in love with him and thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt in my mind back then.

 

When I talk about me worrying about another women, I mean I am thinking back to like 6 months ago when he was unfaithful to me. I have forgiven him for it and he swore it was the biggest mistake of his life, but it is always in the back of my mind. Especially when this no contact is happening like now.

 

I would never beg for him back. I have been close to that point before and have seen how guys react to a girl begging for him to take back. Not good at all lol. They eat it up and keep you crawling. That is until you give up, then they miss the attention and want you. I have learned the best way to get a guy back is to leave them alone no matter what. They even come back when you don’t want them!

 

What I want in a life partner is a commitment, honesty, communication, a fire in the sack, and someone who is willing to put the time and effort into the relationship that I and we deserve. Comparing Ryan to those things, he has been unfaithful, he lied to me to avoid fights, he obviously isn’t communicating with me, yeah we are red hot in bed, but I have dropped down to the bottom of his priority list lately, which is so wrong. So I guess that says he really isn’t want I want in a life partner. I can’t keep staying with him hoping the guy he was (and still is sometimes) is somewhere inside and will come back.

 

I have thought that maybe after his stress and busyness of RL slows down, (the house buying has put him through heck) he would be ready to put his time and thoughts back into our relationship. Is it worth waiting for everything to be complete to see if he is then ready to move onto the next level like he said, with me moving in and everything? I guess it is better to instead spend that time healing and getting ready to meet the guy that will treat me right.

 

If it wasn’t for ignoring me and disrespecting me on various occasions, I would say yes he worth waiting for. His actions make me say no, he has hurt me enough so it isn’t worth it. Gosh the thought of starting over with someone new after this long relationship is kind of scary. I'm so unhappy, but I can't keep myself from remember all the great times. I want to let go of all those thoughts and be angered about the awful things he does.

 

Nope he hasn’t called yet!! Why am I not angry, I am scared and literally feel sick almost dreading for when he will finally call because of what I am going to say. After all this time and the stuff we have been through, I can’t believe that it will be officially over. It's almost like I'm still debating it in my head, but I know what I have to do. I know this bad feeling won’t last once it is finally over. You’re right, the right partners for us out there and I can’t wait for us to find them.

 

Upsetnhurt, you are helping me more then you could ever know and I could not thank you enough. I apologize that I am rambling a lot. I never knew I could write so much. I never realized how much putting thoughts into words I can read makes me feel better and see clearer.