This anniversary was much better

[compulsivedancer]

Last week was our second anniversary since DDay. Last year's anniversary was so painful and was what prompted me to join LS. I searched something about surviving post-affair and ended up reading one of Anne's threads. Last year it looked like we still might not make it. H has commented that my interactions changed around the time I joined LS. I honestly think being on here helped to pull us through. We still have a long way to go, but there's a lot more hope these days.

 

For our anniversary, we both kind of forgot that the day was coming up. I hadn't bookmarked it in my head this year, as I know how sore it was last year, and I think we both wanted to soft-pedal the occasion.

 

However, because of work timing, I had planned to take this week off and we decided to do a trip together. It was coincidental that is was so close to our anniversary. Long story short, we decided we mostly wanted a hotel getaway with a pool, etc, so we stayed local. It was exactly what we needed.

 

It was very relaxing. I did trigger him at one point, which made for a busy mind that night, but overall it was a good vacation.

 

Just a little hope. It can get better.

 

Sidenote: this was a first for us. We rarely do anything extravagant, so it was a really nice step, and a nice NEW memory.

[anne1707]

I hope that whichever thread of mine you found helped. My journey as shown on LS shows that there is no smooth path to reconciliation. It takes time and a lot of hard work and soul searching from both the WS and the BS but it can be done. You just have to find a way through it that works for you and CM. I reckon slow and sometimes painful progress is probably far more effective and "real" than some who will come on here and post how they have reconciled etc within a few months.

 

Stay strong and appreciate what you have x

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm glad you two are seeing some healing. I know last year was bloody awful so I'm glad you two had a different experience this year. If you could tell pre-affair compulsive dancer one thing, what do you think it would be?

Best,

Grumps

[Oberfeldwebel]

Congrats to you and husband. I know that your ride on LS has not always been smooth and you have taken your bumps and bruises along the way. The fact is that you dedicated yourself to fixing your marriage and not taking the easy way out. I agree with Anne that most relationships can be reconciled, but it takes a lot of work and time to heal the wounds. You are fortunate that you married a man that was willing to work with you to repair the problems. For all the sad stories that hear on this forum, it is nice to see that reconciliation is possible. Take one Atta-girl for your hard work.

[Trustnoone]

Compulsivedancer,

 

 

How good this must feel for you and CM! Your hard work has bee giving you rewards in the good times you and CM enjoy. I understand the road has been hard but you continue to work harder determined to succeed. Reconciliation is not easy, has no shortcuts, and will test you individually. The both of you have stood tall facing adversity head on with determination. You will succeed without a doubt as both you and CM refuse to accept anything less. So happy for the both of you. Hearing success in any life story on this forum is heartwarming. I wish you both continued success in your journey of life. Good luck!

[atreides]

((CD & CM)) keep us posted and tell CM not to be a stranger.

[Owl]

Sidenote: this was a first for us. We rarely do anything extravagant, so it was a really nice step, and a nice NEW memory.

 

That was a key part of our recovery as well. We made NEW memories, did new things together that were special, fun, exciting, and brought more joy back to our relationship.

 

Good job to the both of you!!!

[tornapart2002]

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. My husband has all kinds of plans, but all I can think is "What the hell for? Last year you took me to a local crap restaurant, refused to go see a movie or take a walk with me, fell asleep on the couch, told me to take our son to bed early and called the MOW adn talked to her for two hours (according to our phone records)." It's not exactly a day I want to remember at all.....Two weeks after that will be the anniversary of DDay 1 and a week after that DDay 2

[compulsivedancer]

I hope that whichever thread of mine you found helped. My journey as shown on LS shows that there is no smooth path to reconciliation. It takes time and a lot of hard work and soul searching from both the WS and the BS but it can be done. You just have to find a way through it that works for you and CM. I reckon slow and sometimes painful progress is probably far more effective and "real" than some who will come on here and post how they have reconciled etc within a few months.

 

Stay strong and appreciate what you have x

 

Anne, I'm not sure whether the thread itself helped as much as joining LS (I think it might have been the first one, but I'm not sure - I didn't figure out how to search peoples' posts until I'd been on LS for a few months).

 

I'm definitely grateful for it! The thread introduced me to LS, and let me know what to expect. I have not read all of your threads/posts, but of course we have interacted in the last year, and it's helpful to see a fWW a few years out in R. Thanks for the words of wisdom!

[compulsivedancer]

I'm glad you two are seeing some healing. I know last year was bloody awful so I'm glad you two had a different experience this year. If you could tell pre-affair compulsive dancer one thing, what do you think it would be?

Best,

Grumps

 

Grumps, I'm not sure what I could really tell her at that point that would make any difference. She was pretty determined to act in a certain way, and she even hardened her heart against her H's feelings.

 

If I could go back earlier, I'd try to get her into counseling after her miscarriage. I think it would have helped her deal more effectively with her grief and feelings of hopelessness, and in the process I think she would have moved on to addressing other issues that needed to be addressed.

 

If I could go back even further, I'd have a frank discussion with her (around the time she got married) about the true nature of commitment. I don't think she would've really had the experience yet to understand, however.

 

Btw, it's weird to talk about my past self in third person.

[compulsivedancer]

((CD & CM)) keep us posted and tell CM not to be a stranger.

 

Lol, I can't promise anything. But rest assured, even if he doesn't post often, he DOES check in on what I post periodically, and he does read all of the responses on his threads, even if he doesn't respond much.

[compulsivedancer]

Our anniversary is coming up in two weeks. My husband has all kinds of plans, but all I can think is "What the hell for? Last year you took me to a local crap restaurant, refused to go see a movie or take a walk with me, fell asleep on the couch, told me to take our son to bed early and called the MOW adn talked to her for two hours (according to our phone records)." It's not exactly a day I want to remember at all.....Two weeks after that will be the anniversary of DDay 1 and a week after that DDay 2

 

Torn, I put a lot of thought into our anniversary last year (first anniversary since DDay), because for the first time ever I really understood what commitment meant, and so it was a hopeful thing for me and I wanted to prove myself to H. I even went so far as to start looking at new wedding rings to recommit ourselves.

 

For H, it was a kind of torture.

 

H tried to wait until after our anniversary (last year) to talk to me about how he was feeling, but it was a really hard time for him, and I believe we finally talked before the day itself. He told me that he didn't really feel married to me, that as far as he was concerned I had killed our first marriage. Yes, we were still in a relationship, but the anniversary didn't feel like anything to celebrate. In fact, he still wasn't sure that we were going to make it.

 

I felt like such an idiot for making such a big deal about it. I didn't realize that I was actively triggering him and essentially making a fool of myself. I wish we had talked about it sooner, so that we could have been on the same page, and saved ourselves a lot of hurt. Obviously, the hurt was unavoidable, but I think it could've been mitigated.

 

My advice would be to talk to your H about what you are feeling and ask him to soft-pedal the anniversary plans. Tell him that it hurts and that a quiet dinner at home or at a restaurant would be more appropriate. Don't wait for him to build this whole thing up (unless you would appreciate the gesture).

 

Good luck! The first year is hard, but it can get better.

[drifter777]

You know that I advise all BH's who don't have children to save the pain, shame, anger, and frustration of R and simply walk away from the marriage. However, once a BH is determined to try R I stop that kind of advice and just urge him to face all of his emotions and the reality of the situation now and not just hope that time will heal the wounds. I cannot know what is in your BH's heart, but from what he and you have posted over the past year is encouraging.

 

Now matter how much you want it all to be over and left in the past, remember that this is your BH's time-frame for recovery and it will take as long as it takes. You will grow weary of him triggering, but as long as it is (in general) decreasing in frequency and ferocity things are going in the right direction.

 

Your sensible decision to wait on having kids until things between you are more stable makes a lot of sense. The thing is, if you wait until the "right" time to start a family you never will. The right time never comes. At some point the two of you are going to have to decide to take the plunge or not. Nearly every couple has to make this tough, scary decision whether they are dealing with infidelity or financial issues or other messy things. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just that the perfect time never comes.

[Snowflower]

You know that I advise all BH's who don't have children to save the pain, shame, anger, and frustration of R and simply walk away from the marriage. However, once a BH is determined to try R I stop that kind of advice and just urge him to face all of his emotions and the reality of the situation now and not just hope that time will heal the wounds. I cannot know what is in your BH's heart, but from what he and you have posted over the past year is encouraging.

 

Now matter how much you want it all to be over and left in the past, remember that this is your BH's time-frame for recovery and it will take as long as it takes. You will grow weary of him triggering, but as long as it is (in general) decreasing in frequency and ferocity things are going in the right direction.

 

Your sensible decision to wait on having kids until things between you are more stable makes a lot of sense. The thing is, if you wait until the "right" time to start a family you never will. The right time never comes. At some point the two of you are going to have to decide to take the plunge or not. Nearly every couple has to make this tough, scary decision whether they are dealing with infidelity or financial issues or other messy things. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just that the perfect time never comes.

 

Nice post^^^ Drifter, I'm agreeing more and more with you lately, uh-oh!

 

I cried a lot on that first anniversary. I didn't want to do anything-like go to eat or go away for the weekend. Our anniversary was about 5 months after d-day. I remember my H had tried to make a nice dinner at home and I sat in the bedroom and cried. It was quite depressing.

 

OP, I'm glad your 2nd anniversary was much better. Mine was too. It was the first time I got a sense that things might be okay. There were still rough times ahead but some equilibrium had been restored by that time.

Edited June 27, 2014 by Snowflower

[jnel921]

I agree with Owl. It's time to create new memories and form a better foundation. This is a new Relationship built on ongoing trust and unconditional love.