Author RachelJansen Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 That sounds so pretty and romantic. Just like a movie. Unfortunately, it's a fantasy. Just like a movie. Don't worry. I am not expecting some happy ending here. I am well aware that it could go either way, and much more cynical than I let on in my writing.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Today, I am wondering who is the dumper here and who is the dumpee. Does it even matter? I know he told me many times that he didn’t want to lose me, followed by kisses. Lose what? A friend or a potential girlfriend? Accepting words not actions. I know that he is still healing from his ex, and having me there every day whenever he needs someone to talk to about it, is not helping him figure out where his feelings about his previous relationship actually stand. Rationalizing bad behavior. Sometimes I feel like I abandoned him, but I know that it is not my job to fix what is broken in him. Taking responsibility for his bad behavior. I really miss him and I still hope that we can either resume a much healthier friendship or maybe start dating and see where it goes. But I am not holding my breath. Strategizing your next step in the relationship - which of course means you're not letting go at all. It's ok, it's all new to you, but just pointing that out. ****, I miss him and wish I could at least ask him how he is. But I will remain strong and in reality. That's a good thing. Nothing wrong with missing people. But why would asking him how HE feels make YOU feel better? Aren't you worried about how YOU feel? The reality is that he is a mess in his life and not the most proactive at cleaning that mess up. My life is also a mess, but perhaps more proactive at cleaning it up so that I can be the best me for my future and whoever I will end up building a life with, because I do want to build a life with someone. Rationalizing bad behavior. Yes, I was definitely friendzoned, but at the same time not quite, since he did initiate kisses, and the way he touched me was not the way you touch a friend. However, there was a lot of restraint, usually because he kept thinking about his ex. His ex did not give him time to heal...she would contact him ever now and then just to see how he was. It would give him hope. She would remind him that there was no hope. So, she was contacting him to just feel better about herself because of the pain she inflicted on him. You are right. He has been hurt so badly that he built some huge walls around his heart. I have been hurt just as badly too. We often discussed the walls around our hearts together, and would joke about them. Most recently, he told me that he wishes that he could be the one to demolish my walls. He told me that while we were holding each other in bed, a few days ago. 10 months may not be enough. While I was struggling with my break-up, he told me that sometimes, after the end of a significant relationship that lasted more than a year, we may need at least a year to get over that person. We need to experience a year's worth of events without that person. So maybe that is what he needs to do as well. My year is up. Yes, my walls fell quicker than I ever thought possible. I honestly thought I was never going to forget my last ex, that he was the one and that no one would ever compare, and that no one could ever break my walls...and yet! My love probably did scare him away, but at the same time he knew about it and continued to want to see me... It was after he invited me on a weekend getaway where he kept reminiscing about his ex over and over that I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and needed time apart to heal from this because it's a mess, and he needs to be alone. Will spare separating that all into paragraphs. Rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing. Seriously, a shrink wouldn't spend this much time trying to see into his reasons. They'd just say "hey, you can't act that way". Honestly you sound more like his mother than potential girlfriend, or his shrink, or some kind of scientist. This guy has treated you like crap. At what point does "why" stop mattering??? 3
Author RachelJansen Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Accepting words not actions. Rationalizing bad behavior. Taking responsibility for his bad behavior. Strategizing your next step in the relationship - which of course means you're not letting go at all. It's ok, it's all new to you, but just pointing that out. That's a good thing. Nothing wrong with missing people. But why would asking him how HE feels make YOU feel better? Aren't you worried about how YOU feel? Rationalizing bad behavior. Will spare separating that all into paragraphs. Rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing. Seriously, a shrink wouldn't spend this much time trying to see into his reasons. They'd just say "hey, you can't act that way". Honestly you sound more like his mother than potential girlfriend, or his shrink, or some kind of scientist. This guy has treated you like crap. At what point does "why" stop mattering??? Hello ThorntonMelon, Thank you for your tough love. It is much appreciated. Keep in mind that I am also coming here to write out what I feel and trying to understand what happened, in hopes of healing from this and moving on and not repeating this behavior in the future. You are right. I started acting like a doormat the moment I developed feelings for him. But I did walk away the moment I realized that he was nowhere near feeling what I was feeling or able to give me what I needed and wanted. It was hard, but I walked away instead of hanging in there. I walked away in hopes of getting over it and making place in my heart for someone else. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I understand that. Trust me I've done FAR worse than you. I just have decided my role on this board will be Dr. Toughlove. My only disagreement is you're not trying to understand it from your perspective. That is incredibly healthy. You're trying to understand it from his. A waste of time. 3
Author RachelJansen Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 I understand that. Trust me I've done FAR worse than you. I just have decided my role on this board will be Dr. Toughlove. My only disagreement is you're not trying to understand it from your perspective. That is incredibly healthy. You're trying to understand it from his. A waste of time. Okay. From my perspective. Let me be as honest as possible here. I am in love with him, but I know I deserve better from a man I love. I walked away because I am tired of doing the heavy lifting, something I have done often in my past relationships. Usually that may get me the guy, but some time down the line, I get tired of doing the heavy lifting and resentment develops. At the point, either I leave or they leave. In other words, I have trouble finding a balance and I am not quite sure how. I walked away because I believe in keeping my dignity. Kissing me and touching me was awesome, but always a bad idea according to him. But he loved it. But it was a bad idea. I walked away because there is no way I was going to compete with someone like his ex for a guy who pines for someone like her. I walked away because it was dishonest to remain his friend if I had feelings for him. If I am to be his friend again, it has to be without the feelings agenda. I walked away because I am not in college anymore where we pine away forever for unrequited love. I walked away so I could open up my heart to other people. I am ready to open up my heart to someone else now that I am over that ex I never thought I could be over. I walked away because I was tired of hearing about his ex and of hearing about him pining for her even thought she treated him like crap. Am I understanding it enough from my perspective here? I have never been really good at doing that. I am making an effort here!
ThorntonMelon Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 You're a great girl, Rachel. And a real catch. Don't forget it. Now start backing up and work through why you stayed. Oh, and I almost guarantee (almost) that when you have about 3 weeks of distance (please keep yourself very, very busy) you will notice that you loved the idea of him, not him. No way you loved someone who wouldn't make love to you and spent his time ruminating on an ex. But it felt good, scratched an itch while you were healing, and thats what it was good for, as well as teaching you a few lessons. 2
jphcbpa Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) OMG this thread is speaking to me: accepting words not actions, rationalization, taking responsibility/justifying, fantasizing, strategizing. Rachel, thank you for your experience and sharing it. Eye opening for me. Edited June 27, 2014 by jphcbpa
EZNona Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Your situation in a nutshell is that you both started off as an emotional crutch for the other to help distract from the fallout of your previous relationships. Yet, the problem is that you fell in love with your emotional crutch and he has yet to follow that path. I do believe that he does care for you, but that he loves his Ex more. I think it's really just that simple. He can't love you if he is still in love and pining over her. He is just not over her. I think at first the friendship was innocent and mutually beneficial in that it fulfilled a loss and a need of belonging to someone. But now the scales have tilted and you want more out of this friendship and he is clearly not in the green yet to handle that. It is best to go NC in this situation because you two will never truly be friends unless your feelings for him were to go away completely and we know that is not happening any time soon. And if you were to try to remain friends, I can almost guarantee that you would find yourself back here again with the same complaint as he will still be hung up on the Ex. You would never have a chance at a good, healthy relationship with him unless he was completely over his Ex and he's not. So trying to maintain a friendship would only push you further away from what you are looking for with him. Leave him be for now and open yourself to other potential men. If further down the line when he is over his Ex and wants to rekindle something with you...well, that would be the only time I would even consider going back to this situation. By then you may have already found someone who is ready RIGHT NOW. 1
Author RachelJansen Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Hello everyone, Thank you so much for all the support and kind words. I am learning a lot. I am coming back to give a little bit of an update. Day 4 – Broke NC (Saturday, June 28th 2014) You are all going to want to slap me. I broke NC. On Saturday morning, I missed him so much. I caved. I texted. I texted asking if we could talk, that not talking was silly. He replied to remind me that it wasn’t silly because while there are feelings, he is unsure about them and we both need time apart. He also told me that he misses me and thinks about talking to me several times a day. I wrote back that I understood, and left it at that. He then texted me later about something that reminded him of me, and I replied with something lighthearted. I didn’t think he would miss me. Day 5 – NC still Broken (Sunday, June 29th 2014) I texted him about something that reminded me of him throughout the day. He replied with something lighthearted. I did not reply back/continued the conversation. Day 6 – NC (Monday, June 30th 2014) Silence. Communication would just hurt me at this point. I learned my lesson. I felt a little bit better about taking some space today and I did not miss him as much. This guy is on the fence about what he wants. It’s better to just stay away and focus on me. Day 7 – NC (Tuesday, July 1st 2014) Silence. I miss him a lot and wonder if he misses me too. I tell myself that it is what it is, and take the time to think about myself, my life, my goals. Whatever will be, will be. Day 8 – NC (Today) Struggling. I miss him like crazy. After talking every single day for hours, for so many months and now…nothing…feels empty and strange. I am trying as hard as possible to bring the focus back to me, but I will come here to write down my thoughts throughout the process of putting this guy behind me. I wonder who he will talk to about stuff that annoys him throughout the day, dreams he has, things he wants to do, feelings etc. I wonder if me not being there for that will make him miss me...one can dream, right?
ThorntonMelon Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Feeling for you, Rachel. Can feel the hurt through your words. No need to slap you. Obviously you know that talking to him improves very little.
BC1980 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I get it. I had the same types of conversations with my ex. He would say he missed me, and he needed time. It was a hard to stop contacting him because it does give you a little high when you talk to him. It gives you false hope, but it always makes you feel worse in the end when you are faced with the reality. Being in LC was probably the most sadly, painful thing I've been through. It's like watching someone slowly die, day by day. I didn't feel liberated when I went NC. I just numbly accepted it as the best thing to do, and I definitely stand by my decision. But I know it's hard, especially when you have an ex who is generally a nice person. It's hard to give up talking to that person, but you can't move on otherwise. 1
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