My wife and her double standards on women

[DerekMiller]

Sweet short and simple:

 

My wife admits if she has sex with another woman it's cheating. If I have sex with another woman it's cheating. However, because she's a woman and I'm a man she thinks it's ok to do the following, but wrong for me to do it:

 

 

1.Watch lesbian porn, and sometimes even men with women together.

 

2.Stare at other women whether it's sexual or not.

 

3.Fantasize having sex with them and getting turned on by them.

 

She wants to watch lesbian porn and wants to restrict me to gay porn. There's a huge problem with that though, I don't like men, I like women.

 

I never agreed to these rules she wants to enforce. Yet sonehow she thinks she is priviledged to view something in a manner I would like to as well just because she is a woman and I am a man. Can't help the gender we're born as or what we like to look aylt and think about. We love each other and have a good sex life.

 

I believe this is a double standard, sexist, and descriminatory. Am I right?

Edited June 25, 2014 by DerekMiller

[compulsivedancer]

Yes. You should either both be allowed to or neither be allowed to.

 

Additionally, if she's against porn because she thinks of it as unfaithful, but she's attracted to women and you're not attracted to men, then what she's saying is: I'm allowed to be "unfaithful" and you're not. You are only allowed to look at images that don't turn you on, but she can watch images that DO turn her on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

In this case I think it's going to benefit you more focusing on understanding how she feels rather than what is "right" or "wrong"...in relationships it doesn't matter who's right or wrong in theory, it's about mutual respect, consideration and compromise in practice...but also if you cross a woman, she will make you pay a price for it...period.

 

So you're going to have to calculate the cost/benefit of watching porn for now, if you really want to work on a compromise first without making waves. If you simply go against her and do things behind her back, then you're going to stir up the hornets nest and she's going to blame you, doubt you, resent you and everything else under the sun, that in her eyes will give her the right to further "punish" you for your behavior, even if it's unreasonable, women never claimed to be fair anyway...and she's going to focus on her feelings rather than yours.

 

You can either lock horns with her and get nowhere, or have an open conversation with her about this...what women usually need is acknowledgement of their feelings and reassurance. So arguing and protesting her on this is likely to get you nowhere. That's why it's important for both partners to establish the rules and boundaries of what is "ok", long before you ever step foot on that alter.

 

For some women men looking at porn is considered cheating, personally I make it clear or even just known that I'm not changing fundamental rights or beliefs I feel I have...if someone is insecure about me watching images of paid women having overly exaggerated sex on a screen then that's not my kind of woman. I don't budge, I don't barter, I don't waver...unless it's something I FEEL is an appropriate request and I choose to make that decision, but I will never be forced into something I don't want to do, just because someone else has a different opinion about it..I also don't feel porn is an excuse to neglect a woman in other ways, there is no residual effect for me watching porn...which is partly why I've probably never had any issues with it, it's not a noticeable thing.

 

Double standards, sexism, and discrimination all exist...it just depends on what you consider to be that, and what boundaries you set within the relationship, every relationship doesn't function using the same rulebook...what works for you might not work for some other guy, or even couple, but hopefully people are making these choices for themselves while secure within themselves.

 

I'll give you tip though about being a man...it never goes well when you try to justify anything through that, women don't believe or just feel like it's an excuse. You've got to go it from a different angle, you've got to first resolve the issue within her first in why she feels the way she does and come to some compromise or agreement..it's probably not going to happen overnight and it's probably going to be difficult, her perception along with her personal issues can make her extremely sensitive to this...even if it's for you it's relatively just a basic need/thing that guys do.

 

The plain truth, doesn't typically bode well. All that above you're talking about is just going to lead you in circles...I'm really not sure why you're having this conversation with her just now, i mean this couldn't be a recent problem, what's been the situation or unspoken agreement so far? did she even realize you looked at porn? how honest and open with her were you even about all of this?

 

She can't expect you to watch gay porn, but at the same time in her mind it doesn't mean she can give you the right to watching straight porn. You do have an angle on the fact that she watches men in her porn, but she'd probably just say something like "fine, I won't watch men in my porn...but you still can't watch women in yours"...that's how women are, so really, I'd advise you to use caution when bringing up this discussion and do it the slow, methodical and considerate way, using A LOT of patience...or shet will hit the fan and you'll come out the worse, she'll make sure of it.

[anika99]

It's pretty obvious that your wife feels insecure about you looking at or fantasizing about other women. She feels that if she is indulging in lesbian it's okay because she is not looking at or fantasizing about other men. She has somehow rationalized that lusting after the same sex is not cheating behaviour but lusting after the opposite sex is. Basically she just doesn't want you to want any other woman besides her. I get where she is coming from. Not saying it's right but I do understand her reasoning.

 

 

That being said I think she does need to be the one to compromise. If she has banned you from watching the porn that you enjoy then she should also sacrifice her own porn. If you she doesn't agree then perhaps you can drive the point home by suggesting that you are not comfortable with her lesbian porn and have decided that the only porn she watch is cartoon sex. There actually are fetish sites dedicated to cartoon characters having sex, lol. So tell her from now on she can only watch daisy duck and Minnie mouse getting it on. I expect that she will say watching animated drawings of animals having sex doesn't turn on and then you can say that's exactly how you feel about watching gay porn.

[ughgeez]

That's an absolute double standard. Is this a recent thing?

[Mr. Lucky]

 

 

1.Watch lesbian porn, and sometimes even men with women together.

 

2.Stare at other women whether it's sexual or not.

 

3.Fantasize having sex with them and getting turned on by them.

 

 

Is your wife openly bisexual? And have you always known this about her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[man_in_the_box]

Ridiculous double standard indeed - what if you told her she could only get off to something she didn't like? How about a diet of good ol' fashioned honking clown porn?

[oldshirt]

This has nothing to do with porn and she really doesn't give a crap.

 

 

This is just a 'fitness test' to see how much she can push you around and see if you have the giblets to stand up for yourself.

 

 

She's testing to see how much of your sexuality she can manipulate.

 

 

If you comply with her unreasonable demands, she will see you as weak and she will lose a certain amount of attraction and desire for you.

 

 

Flunk enough of these fitness tests (look up the term if you are not familiar with it) she will lose all attraction and desire for you and you will be one of these guys on here moaning and groaning that you haven't had sex in six months.

[Keenly]

Do you want to be an equal in this relationship, or do you want to be treated less than?

 

 

This is a preemptive strike, telling you that your needs will always come last to hers, and that your sexuality pales in importance to hers. If you continue to allow this behavior, you validate that.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Seriously, this is just a power struggle. It's about who sets the rules. Be clear about what you want, and do it and be honest. None of this whining it's so unfair stuff. Women can't help trying to push their man around. Don't play to her version of fair - it's only there to push you around.

 

Pity you can't focus on each other without porn, but trying to police each other's turn ons is absurd idiocy. I go with "you pick my porn/I pick yours!" to expose the foolishness of it all.

 

Dwarf clown porn - what do you mean, you don't like it?

[amaysngrace]

Don't listen to her. She is not the boss of you.

 

Or is she??