tuxedo cat Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) It's been a year and a half since we broke up and he broke my heart. Then we continued to see each other on and off for another year but only on his terms with no strings attached. While we were together he was like a crazy, bipolar parent who was doting, encouraging and hyper attentive half the time and demeaning and rejecting the rest. I cannot stop myself from seeing him because on some level I don't want to. I even convinced myself last night that I was seeing him for my own good to confront him about something he had done in the past that had hurt me (it didn't help). Every time I see him he makes a point of reminding me how much happier he is without me and how well his life is going. Now I've managed to convince myself that I even need him to ensure my professional success because he is well connected in my field and my confidence is so low that I don't believe I have the capacity to make it on my own. My worst fear is that I'll stop talking to him, give up on my dreams, and one day, years later, start seeing his name appear everywhere as he reaches monumental heights of success. This fear is so gripping that I keep torturing myself by reconnecting with him so that he doesn't forget about me in the future. I don't even know who I am anymore or have any confidence in my own voice. When we were together he always spoke with authority on everything and I always deferred to his input. It was a subtle dynamic where he never explicitly insisted that I was wrong but sort of bulldozed over my beliefs by being louder and more verbose. I've tried cutting him off for months at a time and I can never get his voice out of my head. It feels like he's narrating my thoughts sometimes and I don't even remember which beliefs about the world are mine or his anymore. Everything reminds me of his opinions because in the course of our many conversations we've turned over nearly every subject there is to discuss. I just want to own my own brain again, forget his opinions, and not feel so damn empty. It doesn't help that I'm shy and isolated in a strange city where he is my strongest connection. I know the most important thing is to somehow convince myself that I'm better off not seeing him again but how do I do that when I'm so afraid that cutting him off may lead to my professional ruin? Other people tell me that I'm very capable but try as I might to see it, I can't. The sad thing is he believes in me more than I believe in myself. HELP. Edited June 25, 2014 by tuxedo cat
Justaguy30 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I know the feeling, it sounds like you are seeking his acceptance in your life because its the one thing you always wanted from him and he never gave you. Just know that your life is yours and it doesn't sound like he will be going out of his way to better your life in any way. Perhaps you should make it a point to connect with new contacts in your line of work. You really just love him and you don't want to spend your life without him but it sounds like you really have no choice. I know the feeling and its a harsh reality to succumb to but it must be done. If you are able to start dating and try to enjoy life without him with another partner. Sometimes that is the only way to move on. As a woman it should not be that hard to find a new guy. I know that sounds sexist but its true.
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