Resentment towards former best friend

[sooshi]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been trying to let go of the resentment I have felt towards my former best friend.

 

Shortly after my ex-fiance ended our engagement, he pursued my best friend. They have never met and they had barely ever communicated. They never communicated while we were together and he hardly knew anything about her.

 

I only found out about his pursuit of her following at least a couple of weeks after he started to blatantly start, but it seemed to begin at least a few days after our engagement ended, which makes me think he left to pursue her.

 

My friend only told me because my ex had crossed her line (he had asked her if he could listen to a song she had sang while he drifted off to sleep). She told me she didn't tell me because:

- she didn't take him or his feelings seriously, as it was online. She said she probably would've responded differently if it happened in person.

- she enjoyed the attention and the desire

- she wanted to test his limits and see how far he would go

 

He told her things like how she was the only one he wanted, that pursuing her would be a beautiful victory for his soul, that he wanted to get wrapped up in her passion and empower her, that he hadn't felt inclined to pursue anyone in a long time and that he hadn't felt that vulnerable in ages. He told her that I didn't fulfill him. He told her that a clearing had FINALLY been activated in his heart. He said he liked the way she looks and the way she sings, he likes how much she loves her son; likes her passion and authenticity, and her geographical location (much warmer than where he is). Sounds like all generic stuff to me. She told me he told her a LOT of things, and yet she only told me about it at least two weeks after the obvious pursuit began.

 

He also wrote her a love song and sent it to her and she didn't tell me about it. I ended up bringing it up because he sent the song to ME (he didn't tell me who it was about, and told me not to assume what it was about, but it was obvious since I learned about his feelings for her).

 

At first, I was very forgiving and understanding. She didn't take his feelings seriously. She even put them in quotation marks - "feelings" and that he "claimed" to have them. Doesn't matter that it was online. Or whatever. The reality is, she let it go on. She did nothing to stop him. And after he deleted me on FB, he kept her on and she kept him on. Even when she was in a relationship. And after sending her that love song.

 

Ugh. I recently dreamed about yelling at her, and I am a very soft-spoken and calm person. This situation with her and my ex was in March and I still feel a lot of resentment towards her. I feel completely disrespected. I feel like she valued petty attention over me and our friendship.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? Any ideas on how to let go of this resentment?

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Edited June 25, 2014 by sooshi

[Grumpybutfun]

She did value pettiness over you. Forgive her and stay NC because she is never to be trusted. She not only betrayed you, she didn't come completely clean when you gave her the opportunity. Friendship should be relationships that support us and our other relationships, not become detrimental to them. I tell you to forgive her for you so you can move on with your life without any residual feelings for either one of them except indifference. Accept neither of them back in your life for any reason because the saying that we teach people how to treat us means acceptance of their horrid behavior invites more horrid behavior when we accept it.

Good luck,

Grumps

[sooshi]

Thank you for your reply, Grumpy. I am working on forgiving both of them.

 

The end of the engagement was hard enough. But then this happened, and it's been a lot harder to move on from than the broken engagement itself.

 

After blocking him on FB, and having my friend do the same (and contacting one of their mutual friends--which I do regret), he told me I was one of the most manipulative, inauthentic, and untrustworthy people. And then when I contacted my friend's partner to congratulate them on FINALLY getting together (I was rooting for them for months), my ex-fiance told me that I'd crossed too many lines and that it was manipulative. I fell for it.

 

In reality, he was the one trying to break up their relationship, whereas I was validating it. He tried to woo her with a love song and with sweet words, even after learning she was in a relationship. When I asked her if my ex knew she was in a relationship, she just said she thought he did. I think you would know whether you've told someone who's been flirting with you.

 

I can't believe my ex-fiance behaved this way. It's so disheartening that spark with someone was truly more valuable to him than our years of friendship, than my feelings; perhaps he was never really cared for me after all. Petty attention from some my friend's former fiance was more valuable to my friend than our years of friendship. Sigh.