turbo-p Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 So all these threads are most useful, they really are, however not many tell us how to handle a situation when a child is involved. In my case we split a month ago (just over now) however lived together and have a year and half old boy. Just to set the scene, we were together 4 years, she moved in after 6 days. I've done everything I can for her, there have been arguments in the past and boring spells where its hard to pay for everything and still make time to go out and have fun (including paying her bills). She only earns a bit being self-employed. She suffered post natal depression and as all the mums know, the baby took a good couple years out of her body. She's getting her weight off now and starting to feel really good again. 6 months ago we bought an amazing big house (not jointly though as she couldn't get on the mortgage) and moved in. 6 days later she said she didn't love me and wanted to split. I was in serious shock (saw it coming i guess subconsciously) however after sleeping on it she said she would give it a while to see how she feels. It was the classic i love you but not in love with you/fancy you anymore etc. I am reasonably handsome i would add, not b7tt ugly. Anyway, at this point I failed to sit down and work things through, instead opting to carry on as before, but just being extra nice. That led to where we are now and what happened last month. She still lives with me but is trying to get her own place. And i just discovered she is seeing someone she met recently at a baby play centre. Somewhat worryingly he is "like me a bit" (her words) by being laidback, does things for her etc (has his own 5yo child from a failed marriage). So now, she is round his house most nights and I look after our baby. I guess this is because when she moves she will have him all the time so is readying herself..?? Anyway, here is the BUT.... Naturally after going through all this and trying to reason, use guilt, love gestures etc (bought her a new car which I probably shouldn't have ) it failed to bring her to her senses. In her own words she needs to "see if the grass is greener". However, in the meantime (as hard as it is for me) we are still really close. We had lunch in the pub yesterday with a good talk, today we went for a drive with the roof down and danced about in the car to the tunes and this weekend we are going to a festival. I know this is the opposite of NC and is probably making the breakup easier for her. She suggested we take our boy out together next week and has made it clear to the 'new guy' that I am to stay in her life (he will have to meet me) and that she loves me to bits and we will always be close and he needs to accept this. What I need to know what is the best course of action for me to take. I am coping better than I was 4 weeks ago (been allowing time to grieve), but the pain of having such a laugh with someone and being close, then seeing them go off to someone else is unbearable. I think she still relies on me a bit. I cant be an a-hole and ignore her (especially for our boy's sake). Keen to know people's opinions/thoughts..
Author turbo-p Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) So I should probably add that for ages she wanted me to get engaged to her and that gradually faded off about 8 months ago. I kept putting it off because I didn't want to buy a cheapy ring rather i would do it properly! So she was commited then however during the breakup kept saying she gave me enough chances and there are no more. She cant make herself love me, etc etc. I am 32 and she is 27 turning 28. Since then, I have done the usual guy stuff, go gym, loose weight and tone up, got a tan (natural ) and paid attention to appearance and image. Edited June 25, 2014 by turbo-p
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 You need to give her a deadline by which she needs to move out. If she can't get suitable housing you should remain as the custodial parent. That one may take some lawyering. Otherwise support & love your child but stop letting her be a drain on you. Also stop being nice to her. You need to start distancing yourself from her without being impolite. Make it clear that her free lunch on your dime is over.
Author turbo-p Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks. Its quite scary how you can write that not knowing me and it mirrors the advice from one of her friends. I am too nice - obviously its because i want to reconcile with her and always hope this will happen. And we do have a bond. I dont want nastiness and bitterness its not in either of our personalities which makes this whole situ harder to deal with. She even gives hints that her heads jarred and she cant stop thinking/worrying.
Author turbo-p Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 This is a realtime situation and i need some guidance to stop me just falling over when shes around! She'll be back again later today!
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Just think about your child & what is in the child's best interests.
irishsimon Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 OP.. as someone who is in a situation with an ex, her new man and our son.. I can tell you this woman is using you. Cut her off as nicely as possible. She is seeing another man for gods sake..what are you doing? She is weaning herself off you and taking everything she can from you while she sleeps with someone else. Get legal advice regarding your child and as a previous poster mentioned - give her a deadline to get out. Once she is out go NC unless it relates to your son. You will not get her back by doing what you are doing..and if you did she would know she could easily do this again. This reeks of codependent behaviour and your ex's attitude is simply selfish.
Author turbo-p Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Thank you, this makes sense. I am doing too much especially after the breakup. I said today that I have to distance myself and I can't stay close friends as its simply too hard. She said i don't have to be cold to her and that i am still her best friend regardless of what has happened, but i said again I cant be close friends in this situation it's too hard on me. I never realised I could be showing codependant behaviour I guess I thought I was just being a nice guy but now it seems obvious. Part of me thought it might change something I guess and I never wanted to become a cold hearted person towards her. But today like I said I had the confidence to put the record straight. I can't give her a deadline to move out because its out of my hands - she needs help from the local authority for housing etc and that can take a few weeks.
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