Am I cheating on my bf if I go see my ex-bf in this situation?

[littleplanet]

I'm always intrigued when an OP disappears after the first post

(and the #1 tells me it was her very first post ever)

Might be the last.

 

.......so I guess the rest of us just did a book review, um?

(where the author doesn't really give a damn what the critics say)

 

- spidey says there's probably more pertinent information that might clarify

......unless this is a dime novel and we already know how it ends.

[David87]

I'm always intrigued when an OP disappears after the first post

(and the #1 tells me it was her very first post ever)

Might be the last.

 

.......so I guess the rest of us just did a book review, um?

(where the author doesn't really give a damn what the critics say)

 

- spidey says there's probably more pertinent information that might clarify

......unless this is a dime novel and we already know how it ends.

 

At leat this is proof that dumpers have remorse sometimes and feel guilty.....

[todreaminblue]

i dont know if i would call it cheating or just straight out deception and ignorance towards your current bfs feelings and caring more about an ex.......the chances of it becoming cheating are pretty high...........deb

[Radu]

At leat this is proof that dumpers have remorse sometimes and feel guilty.....

 

Wish i could share your optimism.

 

What this proves to me is that ppl are selfish in general.

She doesn't want to do it to give him 'closure' but to relieve the burden from her own self.

That is selfishness ... living with the guilt and learning from it, only to many many MANY yrs down the line, when they accidentally [not fake accidental] they meet to say how sorry she is, now this would be less selfish and in this context, actually selfless.

[littleplanet]

Okay folks.

I'm not sure if I really want to post this or not.

But I'll write it out anyway, and see how I feel by the end of it.

 

The original poster wrote what she wrote - and then left us to it.

She offered no further insights, information, clarification.....zero.

 

Why is that? It's a done deal? She's an open book?

 

Is our purpose here perhaps, not to draw her out, gain more information, gain a bit of her confidence and trust as perfect strangers - that perhaps she would feel comfortable in engaging us back in open conversation?

 

Perhaps that is not our purpose at all.....collectively.

If that is the case, then I disagree with that model of conduct heartily.

 

We can all say that she is free at any time to jump right in and wax robust, proud and magnificent - defending herself, her honor....whatever.

Great.

 

But I don't think we exactly rolled out a red carpet for that, did we?

 

If I were sitting on this jury, the total amount of exact factual information designed to allow me to make a considered and informed judgement.......

would certainly hang that jury.

 

It was her very first post, folks.

 

I don't know that we were talking with her, at all. Seems more like we were talking with each other. The subject kind of got lost in the whirlwind of response to response to response.

 

If we'd looked up on the top left-hand corner, and found that it was post # 3,129...............would we respond the same way?

(I'm guessing our responses might be tempered just a little.....somewhat?)

Just a thought.

 

We don't know her from Adam.

(or in this case, Eve.)

 

Our court has already ruled her guilty in the first degree.

The lack of hard evidence feels too painfully obvious.

Does this not matter?

And if it doesn't - then why bother?

 

respectfully,

LP

[Purepony]

I can't believe this scum of a woman! The poor guy was cheated on and is finally okay and there you go popping up on the screen!

 

Leave him alone and listen to your new bf you know the one you chose over the other guy that you want to email!

 

In a perfect world they would both wake up and kick you to the curb

[Chi townD]

Okay folks.

I'm not sure if I really want to post this or not.

But I'll write it out anyway, and see how I feel by the end of it.

 

The original poster wrote what she wrote - and then left us to it.

She offered no further insights, information, clarification.....zero.

 

Why is that? It's a done deal? She's an open book?

 

Is our purpose here perhaps, not to draw her out, gain more information, gain a bit of her confidence and trust as perfect strangers - that perhaps she would feel comfortable in engaging us back in open conversation?

 

Perhaps that is not our purpose at all.....collectively.

If that is the case, then I disagree with that model of conduct heartily.

 

We can all say that she is free at any time to jump right in and wax robust, proud and magnificent - defending herself, her honor....whatever.

Great.

 

But I don't think we exactly rolled out a red carpet for that, did we?

 

If I were sitting on this jury, the total amount of exact factual information designed to allow me to make a considered and informed judgement.......

would certainly hang that jury.

 

It was her very first post, folks.

 

I don't know that we were talking with her, at all. Seems more like we were talking with each other. The subject kind of got lost in the whirlwind of response to response to response.

 

If we'd looked up on the top left-hand corner, and found that it was post # 3,129...............would we respond the same way?

(I'm guessing our responses might be tempered just a little.....somewhat?)

Just a thought.

 

We don't know her from Adam.

(or in this case, Eve.)

 

Our court has already ruled her guilty in the first degree.

The lack of hard evidence feels too painfully obvious.

Does this not matter?

And if it doesn't - then why bother?

 

respectfully,

LP

 

 

 

This is an advice forum and not the "law of relationships". She doesn't have to follow the advice that's given here and she won't end up in "Love Shack Jail" if she doesn't.

 

 

She's free to do whatever the hell she wants. And well as anyone else that posts here with a problem. I've read the posts here and all I read was people telling her that it's a bad idea and the reasons why it would be a bad idea. Whether she chooses to listen or not is up to her.

 

 

And given that she's only has 1 post and hasn't returned for a follow up or further questions, then I'm calling this a hit and run thread. Chances are she didn't hear what she wanted to hear and bolted.

 

 

I could be wrong, we'll see if she comes back.

[theexfiance]

Although I notice that the OP has been MIA since her initial post, I want to throw in my two cents for the benefit of anyone else who might be struggling with something like this:

 

If you have to ask yourself "is this cheating?", you probably shouldn't do it. As a general rule and if you care about or have any respect for the other person, just forget about doing this kind of immature crap.

[littleplanet]

This is an advice forum and not the "law of relationships". She doesn't have to follow the advice that's given here and she won't end up in "Love Shack Jail" if she doesn't.

 

 

She's free to do whatever the hell she wants. And well as anyone else that posts here with a problem. I've read the posts here and all I read was people telling her that it's a bad idea and the reasons why it would be a bad idea. Whether she chooses to listen or not is up to her.

 

 

And given that she's only has 1 post and hasn't returned for a follow up or further questions, then I'm calling this a hit and run thread. Chances are she didn't hear what she wanted to hear and bolted.

 

 

I could be wrong, we'll see if she comes back.

 

 

 

 

I rest my case.

Over and out.

[Chi townD]

I rest my case.

Over and out.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay...ummm....Bye?

[Angelina_xox]

Wow, okay.

 

To those referring to me as a "sum of a woman", thanks but you can get your thoughts/opinions across without attacking me. As for others, who have provided their criticism in a more appropriate manner, I genuinely appreciate your time and effort to respond to my dilemma!

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend BEFORE I got together with my current boyfriend. I felt like I wasn't sincerely happy with my ex-bf, even though he treated me well, I just WASN'T happy. I was 20 years old when I got with my ex-bf, and quite frankly I didn't know what I wanted.

 

My ex-bf, and I were both extremely immature throughout our relationship together - not to say that's an excuse to break someone's heart, but we both weren't very experienced at all. I frankly think that I grew out of the relationship, discovered what I wanted, and broke it off with him when I realized I was spending more time thinking about someone ELSE than him, and the old relationship wasn't right for me anymore. I didn't physically cheat on my bf - emotionally, however, yes - because I did start to think about someone else. (my current bf)

 

Anyway, if I broke things off with my ex BEFORE establishing a relationship with my current bf, I don't think my current bf is at fault for that. Plus, I didn't express my feelings to my current bf until AFTER I broke up with my ex. Nor did my current bf express himself until I expressed it to him. So, my current bf isn't responsible for taking part in any sort of cheating.

 

I agree, if anyone is accountable for this mess, it IS me.

[marcjb]

Well yes, cheating is cheating. Emotional, physical, same thing.

[Chi townD]

Wow, okay.

 

To those referring to me as a "sum of a woman", thanks but you can get your thoughts/opinions across without attacking me. As for others, who have provided their criticism in a more appropriate manner, I genuinely appreciate your time and effort to respond to my dilemma!

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend BEFORE I got together with my current boyfriend. I felt like I wasn't sincerely happy with my ex-bf, even though he treated me well, I just WASN'T happy. I was 20 years old when I got with my ex-bf, and quite frankly I didn't know what I wanted.

 

My ex-bf, and I were both extremely immature throughout our relationship together - not to say that's an excuse to break someone's heart, but we both weren't very experienced at all. I frankly think that I grew out of the relationship, discovered what I wanted, and broke it off with him when I realized I was spending more time thinking about someone ELSE than him, and the old relationship wasn't right for me anymore. I didn't physically cheat on my bf - emotionally, however, yes - because I did start to think about someone else. (my current bf)

 

Anyway, if I broke things off with my ex BEFORE establishing a relationship with my current bf, I don't think my current bf is at fault for that. Plus, I didn't express my feelings to my current bf until AFTER I broke up with my ex. Nor did my current bf express himself until I expressed it to him. So, my current bf isn't responsible for taking part in any sort of cheating.

 

I agree, if anyone is accountable for this mess, it IS me.

 

 

 

 

Uh huh.....So, you're telling me you never even met your current boyfriend while you were with your Ex. You met him after the break up...right? You didn't spend any time with the current boyfriend while you were with the Ex? Didn't go out for coffee or meet up anywhere?

[Angelina_xox]

If you want the R to work with the new guy - consider his feelings first.

 

You started a NEW R with this guy before ending the last one. You've ALREADY communicated with the old BF - yet you didn't take that opportunity to spell it out "I cheated on you" would have been enough!

 

Now that the new BF knows you opened that door - and he wants it shut tight - never to communicate with old BF again - you either honor that request or risk loosing the new guy.

 

The old BF I'm sure can figure it out on his own - it's not really yours to give him HIS closure now - you could have done that when it ended, but you didn't.

 

Too little too late - your new BF has a boundary and if/when you cross it he's done (good for him).

 

 

Start NEW patterns that earn trust.

 

I definitely do want to reform my ways, and start new patterns that earn trust. I just thought I should close the old book shut once and for all. Otherwise, I find myself often lingering over the thoughts of my ex, and feeling sorry for him and wondering how he's feeling. I don't want to emotionally cheat on my current bf, the way I cheated on my ex. As a result of which, I felt this would be a good way to completely end things. And SINCE, my ex has also expressed he is interested in hearing what I have to say, I thought I should go ahead with it.

 

Of course, I don't want to risk my current relationship for the sake of the old one though.

 

That said, I think I've already created another problem by telling my ex that I would at least e-mail him, if not meet him.

 

But after reading all the posts here, I feel like that will qualify as cheating AND be of no benefit to my ex.

 

So.. should I leave him hanging.. AGAIN?

[Angelina_xox]

Uh huh.....So, you're telling me you never even met your current boyfriend while you were with your Ex. You met him after the break up...right? You didn't spend any time with the current boyfriend while you were with the Ex? Didn't go out for coffee or meet up anywhere?

 

My current boyfriend and I actually used to study at the same university. We had classes together, and that's how I met him. I did not meet him outside of university, until after things ended with my ex.

[d0nnivain]

Emailing your EX does not qualify as cheating. e-mailing your EX behind your SO's back is a problem but again not necessarily cheating but on the slippery slope there.

 

 

Did you start this whole I want to give my EX closure BS or did your EX reach out to you asking for it? Closure is a myth. There is nothing you can do or say to make your EX feel better about the fact that you dumped him. You can't soften the blow & you really can' t do it now, months later after you have a BF. promising him something you can't deliver is even more cruel. Once you make a clean break -- leave it alone. Going back is pouring salt in the wound & giving him false hope.

 

 

When you reached out or even if your EX did, your EX is now pressing for a face to face meet because he's interpreting your actions as renewed interest in re-kindling the relationship. Your new BF knows this & is hence nervous.

[Chi townD]

My current boyfriend and I actually used to study at the same university. We had classes together, and that's how I met him. I did not meet him outside of university, until after things ended with my ex.

 

 

But, you spent time with him, study groups or having lunch together on Campus. Emotional and sexual attraction at it height and felt by the both of you. He would text you and call you periodically under the guise of being a classmate and "a friend".

 

 

Girl, call it what you want, but in my book, that's cheating.

 

 

Now, getting back to the point and I have re-read this thread and you never really got to the point of what kind of "closure" you wanted to give your Ex.

[Angelina_xox]

How long has it been since you left your ex and started dating this new guy?

 

Left my ex 6 months ago, started dating my current bf 5.5 months ago.

[Zahara]

Left my ex 6 months ago, started dating my current bf 5.5 months ago.

 

I'm going to reiterate that this isn't a good idea as your ex wants to meet face to face because he hasn't let go. For his sake, and if his wellbeing is important to you, leave him alone, focus on your current relationship and the boundaries that come with it. Your ex doesn't need closure. He needs to be left alone so that he can emotionally detach and move on.

 

Also, your email should suffice. There is no need to keep dragging this on. Nothing you can say face to face changes the fact that it is over and that he needs to move forward with his life.

[Angelina_xox]

Emailing your EX does not qualify as cheating. e-mailing your EX behind your SO's back is a problem but again not necessarily cheating but on the slippery slope there.

 

 

Did you start this whole I want to give my EX closure BS or did your EX reach out to you asking for it? Closure is a myth. There is nothing you can do or say to make your EX feel better about the fact that you dumped him. You can't soften the blow & you really can' t do it now, months later after you have a BF. promising him something you can't deliver is even more cruel. Once you make a clean break -- leave it alone. Going back is pouring salt in the wound & giving him false hope.

 

 

When you reached out or even if your EX did, your EX is now pressing for a face to face meet because he's interpreting your actions as renewed interest in re-kindling the relationship. Your new BF knows this & is hence nervous.

 

I contacted my ex first. And I thought to myself, if he doesn't want any sort of closure - then he wont respond back to me, and I'll be fine.

 

But he did respond.

 

And he does want to hear me out.

 

And, he DOES know I'm still in a relationship with my current bf.

 

I understand my current boyfriend's position. And though, I don't want to violate his trust, I know he's a jealous and insecure guy in GENERAL. Anything related to a third person or opposite sex makes him uncomfortable - so he's just that kind of guy. And knowing that, I felt he was being unreasonable about my ex situation.

 

Anyway, that isn't even the point anymore.

 

This is more about my ex than my current boyfriend now, and I don't want to make the healing process anymore difficult for him. I've taken heed to the advice here. Meeting him isn't an option anymore.. but now that I've told him that I will give him some sort of closure (which he himself said he wanted, after I asked him) - do I just leave things like this, and leave again?

[Angelina_xox]

I'm going to reiterate that this isn't a good idea as your ex wants to meet face to face because he hasn't let go. For his sake, and if his wellbeing is important to you, leave him alone, focus on your current relationship and the boundaries that come with it. Your ex doesn't need closure. He needs to be left alone so that he can emotionally detach and move on.

 

Also, your email should suffice. There is no need to keep dragging this on. Nothing you can say face to face changes the fact that it is over and that he needs to move forward with his life.

 

Thanks. I suppose an e-mail should work then... But I know my current bf won't be okay with the e-mail either. So, should I still go ahead and do it (without him knowing). Or leave it?

[Zahara]

Thanks. I suppose an e-mail should work then... But I know my current bf won't be okay with the e-mail either. So, should I still go ahead and do it (without him knowing). Or leave it?

 

I'm sorry, I misread. I see you sent him a text. That should suffice. I thought you sent him an email.

 

Yes, you should leave it. Your ex has to "cure" himself on his own. Nothing you can say or do will help him. Even if you met him and explained yourself entirely and he walked away feeling good about closure, he'd wake up tomorrow and have more questions swirling in his head. And seeing that he wants to take it a step further and meet you, this is only going to cause more chaos in his head.

[Always Pondering]

I contacted my ex first. And I thought to myself, if he doesn't want any sort of closure - then he wont respond back to me, and I'll be fine.

 

But he did respond.

 

And he does want to hear me out.

 

And, he DOES know I'm still in a relationship with my current bf.

 

I understand my current boyfriend's position. And though, I don't want to violate his trust, I know he's a jealous and insecure guy in GENERAL. Anything related to a third person or opposite sex makes him uncomfortable - so he's just that kind of guy. And knowing that, I felt he was being unreasonable about my ex situation.

 

Anyway, that isn't even the point anymore.

 

This is more about my ex than my current boyfriend now, and I don't want to make the healing process anymore difficult for him. I've taken heed to the advice here. Meeting him isn't an option anymore.. but now that I've told him that I will give him some sort of closure (which he himself said he wanted, after I asked him) - do I just leave things like this, and leave again?

 

I feel this is more about you than your ex or your current boyfriend. After dumping your ex for another guy, you should completely leave him alone and cease all contact if you really want to "make the healing process easier for him". Your ex can only get closure from within himself, not from any words you say. The little black book should have been closed when the relationship ended and prior to getting together with your current boyfriend. I was in your ex's position once, thinking I want closure when I subconsciously wanted reconciliation through contact.

 

If you really actually want to help your ex in healing then don't contact him anymore. Also, thanks for coming back to this thread and not just shoving the advice aside. I hope that you don't contact him anymore in the future, for the sake of him and your current relationship.

 

My $0.02.

[Diezel]

Closure is a fallacy.

 

It happened 6 months ago. If he doesn't have any closure, that's HIS problem. You clearly did achieve it when you gained a boyfriend not even 2 weeks after breaking up with the last one.

 

What's the point of emailing him and then maybe even meeting up with him?

 

It's not going to go well. This isn't a Hollywood movie where he will just give you kiss on the cheek and wish you good luck with your new boyfriend. And why would you expect your new boyfriend to understand? Would you be as benevolent if it was him in the situation and he had an ex that might need "closure"?

 

Why can't you just leave it be and try to fix your mistakes from the past with the relationship in the present?

[d0nnivain]

This is more about my ex than my current boyfriend now, and I don't want to make the healing process anymore difficult for him. I've taken heed to the advice here. Meeting him isn't an option anymore.. but now that I've told him that I will give him some sort of closure (which he himself said he wanted, after I asked him) - do I just leave things like this, and leave again?

 

 

I see the following problems:

 

 

1. You are putting your EX before your BF. You have the order of importance reversed.

 

 

2. What exactly do you think you can say to him that will give him this closure? telling him why you left will make it worse not better. You don't seem to understand that he's holding on to this breadcrumb like a lifeline because he things that you want him back.