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Am I cheating on my bf if I go see my ex-bf in this situation?

Angelina_xox

By Angelina_xox
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Angelina_xox New Member

Angelina_xox

Posted
Posted

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a while back for another guy. Shortly thereafter, I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend as I wanted him to move on with his life as well. However, I never got the opportunity to apologize to him or give him closure. Due to this, I recently apologized to my boyfriend and offered to give him an explanation through text. He accepted, but preferred if we discussed all that in person.

 

I spoke to my current boyfriend about seeing my ex JUST to give him the closure he never got, and my current boyfriend wasn't understanding about it at all. My boyfriend thinks it's best for me not to message him OR see him as this would make him highly uncomfortable, and he feels that there is no need for explanations or discussions.

 

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex-bf, I JUST want to close the chapter once and for all. If I message or see my ex-bf without my current bf's permission would this be considered cheating? I'm not doing anything bad.

somecamel Established Member

somecamel

Posted
Posted
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a while back for another guy. Shortly thereafter, I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend as I wanted him to move on with his life as well. However, I never got the opportunity to apologize to him or give him closure. Due to this, I recently apologized to my boyfriend and offered to give him an explanation through text. He accepted, but preferred if we discussed all that in person.

 

I spoke to my current boyfriend about seeing my ex JUST to give him the closure he never got, and my current boyfriend wasn't understanding about it at all. My boyfriend thinks it's best for me not to message him OR see him as this would make him highly uncomfortable, and he feels that there is no need for explanations or discussions.

 

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex-bf, I JUST want to close the chapter once and for all. If I message or see my ex-bf without my current bf's permission would this be considered cheating? I'm not doing anything bad.

 

What closure does he need? You cheated on him with another man, that's closure in my book.

 

I'm not surprised the new Boyfriend is a bit annoyed by you wanting to meet your ex, remember you cheated with him on your now ex. who's to say you two won't end up one last shag for old times sake. This is what is going through his head.

 

Leave the poor guy alone, that's what he deserves from you, not some have assed attempt to give some imaginary closure when he will see it as false hope, you'll crush him again.

  • Like 7
Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

Posted
Posted
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a while back for another guy. Shortly thereafter, I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend as I wanted him to move on with his life as well. However, I never got the opportunity to apologize to him or give him closure. Due to this, I recently apologized to my boyfriend and offered to give him an explanation through text. He accepted, but preferred if we discussed all that in person.

 

I spoke to my current boyfriend about seeing my ex JUST to give him the closure he never got, and my current boyfriend wasn't understanding about it at all. My boyfriend thinks it's best for me not to message him OR see him as this would make him highly uncomfortable, and he feels that there is no need for explanations or discussions.

 

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex-bf, I JUST want to close the chapter once and for all. If I message or see my ex-bf without my current bf's permission would this be considered cheating? I'm not doing anything bad.

 

It's a matter of what matters most to you. Since the current boyfriend raised concerns, I'd be honest about what you are going to do, and face the consequences.

 

It's not cheating if you only meet him to give him closure, however it is definitively a lie, and that in itself is a good reason to break things off.

marcjb Established Member

marcjb

Posted
Posted

Your current boyfriend who you are with because you cheated with him on your ex is acting "jealous" and "insecure" because you want to give your idea of "closure" by contact and possibly meeting with him?

 

Oh, give me a break. You need to put yourself in the shoes of the two people that you are ruining. Emotions are not toys to play with. Don't for one second say that you would be ok with your boyfriend doing the same thing if the situation was reversed. We all know that would not be true. You are being extremely selfish, just as selfish as when you cheated on your ex with your current boyfriend.

  • Like 3
BroknHrt Established Member

BroknHrt

Posted
Posted

How long has it been since you left your ex and started dating this new guy?

littleplanet Established Member

littleplanet

Posted
Posted
What closure does he need? You cheated on him with another man, that's closure in my book.

 

I'm not surprised the new Boyfriend is a bit annoyed by you wanting to meet your ex, remember you cheated with him on your now ex. who's to say you two won't end up one last shag for old times sake. This is what is going through his head.

 

Leave the poor guy alone, that's what he deserves from you, not some have assed attempt to give some imaginary closure when he will see it as false hope, you'll crush him again.

 

:mad: Totally disagree with this.

 

It is assumed (incorrectly?) that you left your ex for your current by cheating on the ex. I didn't get that at all from reading the opening post.

 

Your current bf has insecurity issues.

One would wonder why.

I might suggest this could have to do with his ability to trust.

 

OP - you may be trustworthy as the day is long....but ultimately it means nothing if your current bf cannot trust.

If you know in your own heart that you want nothing futher to do with your ex romantically - then it becomes a matter of human to human.....

not shag to shag - if you catch my drift.

 

Sometimes, SO's need a bit of a learning curve in their lives, when it comes to trust.

We do not live in a world of 100% guarantees of anything, let alone absolute warantees on human behaviour. We are not machines that come with customer service 40-page contracts. (thank heaven!)

 

I get that it is important to you to close that chapter of your life in a way that is meaningful to you. No loose ends left dangling. I see nothing wrong with it.

And to be challenged on that...is perhaps a measure of condescension you do not deserve.

 

As to your current bf's pain and discomfort:

Perhaps a little bit of quick sharp pain now is far better done and over with, rather than a long slow burn for who knows how long?

 

 

Trust is a fundamental building block in a good relationship.

I'd say the house falls over, if it never allowed to be tested...............

(for tensile strength?) :cool:

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

I see a lot of "I" in that post.

 

There is really no need to meet in person. If you are truly sorry, send him the email with an apology for your behavior and that provides YOU with closure. Closure happened for your ex when you cheated and when the relationship ended. The best thing to do with your ex is to leave him alone. You revisiting him this way and him wanting to meet you is a problem. He hasn't let go. You're potentially stirring things up for him again.

 

If meeting him crosses a boundary set within your relationship, then you need to prioritize that boundary versus you acting on what you desire and what benefits you.

 

Jealous and insecure? You've cheated before so it's understandable that your boyfriend feels that way.

 

Send an apology and CLOSE the chapter.

  • Like 1
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted
:mad: Totally disagree with this.

 

It is assumed (incorrectly?) that you left your ex for your current by cheating on the ex. I didn't get that at all from reading the opening post.

 

 

 

 

 

No, the poster was right. She cheated on him. She stated that she left her Ex boyfriend for her current boyfriend. That tells me that she was emotionally involved with this new guy; so much so, that she broke up with her Ex to be exclusive to him. That pretty much establishes that an EA was happening at the minimum. You don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat.

 

 

Compounded on the fact that she feels guilty about it tells me she knows she cheated. If it was just a standard break up where she just wasn't feeling the relationship anymore and she just happened to get into a new relationship months later, I can assume that she would have nothing to feel guilty about.

  • Like 2
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

 

 

 

it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got

 

What closure does he need? You got involved with someone else and you left him for the other guy! I think you gave him all the closure he needs! Hell, you slammed that book shut on him!

 

 

But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

 

No reason? So, you want to have a one on one with the guy that you used to be intimate with and the guy he stole you away from and HE'S being jealous and insecure? Yeah, I think he has a reason.

  • Like 2
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Is this thread vaguely familiar to anyone else here?

  • Like 3
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
Is this thread vaguely familiar to anyone else here?

 

Yes, very familiar.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

It's not cheating but it's also not a good idea.

 

Closure is a myth. Your EX knows why it ended -- you cheated. He wants to know why you cheated. Can you articulate a reason for that? If you say you don't know or you were bored so something your EX isn't going to get closure. There really isn't anything you can actually say to help your EX move on from that past relationship.

 

Your EX isn't insisting upon a face to face because he wants closure. He wants an in person meeting for a chance to win you back, to romance you to pressure you for a kiss or more. If all he wanted was words, he could get them on the phone.

 

Honor your current BF, don't meet up with the ex & keep any limited future communications transparent.

  • Like 5
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

 

Honor your current BF, don't meet up with the ex & keep any limited future communications transparent.

 

 

There's no honor in a guy that would steal another dude's girlfriend.

  • Like 6
Smarty Pants Established Member

Smarty Pants

Posted
Posted

Sounds a lot like my last ex. Trust me, don't talk to him. He doesn't want to talk to you. It's been 4 months for me. I'm over it, but I wouldn't want to speak to her at all. It also makes it seem like your ex is having a hard time. I'm sure he's just fine without you.

  • Like 1
Alcatraz Member

Alcatraz

Posted
Posted

Leave the guy be and let him move on. My ex met up with me when she was seeing another guy (the guy she left me for) and it only left me with hope, ultimately making it harder to heal. Perhaps don't look for advice on a breaks/breaking up forum as well as there are a lot of people on here who have been the victims of such heartbreak. Just a thought.

  • Like 2
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
There's no honor in a guy that would steal another dude's girlfriend.

 

 

My suggestion was so not much that the new BF "deserves" it but that the OP needs to reform her ways. I am not in the once a cheater always a cheater camp but I am in the twice a cheater (whereby we now have a pattern), probably always a cheater.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Yeah, I agree. But, her post are also very telling. If the dude is freaking out that she wants to talk to this guy; well, he knew she was with someone else and he didn't give a damn. He wanted her all to himself and screw anyone that got in his way. Now, that she wants to see her Ex again. He's going crazy at the thought of it.

 

 

But, I think I've lost track on what's really important here and that's her Ex. And I agree with you and everyone else on here that she should leave him alone. However, I also see her not listening to us either.

  • Like 3
WhiteTan Member

WhiteTan

Posted
Posted

Your ex doesn't need anything from you at this point so this isn't worth the drama.

 

Ultimately, his life is gonna be better off without you and if he hasn't figured that out yet, he will in his own way on his own time.

 

If you really feel bad about what you did, then leave it alone so everybody can keep it moving.

 

Good luck

  • Like 1
Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a while back for another guy. Shortly thereafter, I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend as I wanted him to move on with his life as well. However, I never got the opportunity to apologize to him or give him closure. Due to this, I recently apologized to my boyfriend and offered to give him an explanation through text. He accepted, but preferred if we discussed all that in person.

That already speaks volumes about you, and not in a good sense.

 

I spoke to my current boyfriend about seeing my ex JUST to give him the closure he never got, and my current boyfriend wasn't understanding about it at all. My boyfriend thinks it's best for me not to message him OR see him as this would make him highly uncomfortable, and he feels that there is no need for explanations or discussions.

It can also be interpreted as stringing your ex along.

Ever heard of 'let sleeping dogs lie' ?

 

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

It also means that how your ex-bf perceives you, or what you feel is more important than your bf.

That means you do not love your bf, as love is selfless, not selfish.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex-bf, I JUST want to close the chapter once and for all. If I message or see my ex-bf without my current bf's permission would this be considered cheating? I'm not doing anything bad.

What you are doing is you are going against your bf's express desire, behind is back.

 

Cheating is not about sleeping with someone, it's about violating the trust the other person has placed in you.

 

You have a few potential problems :

- you ended a relationship for another man [look up gigs]

- you do not respect him, and consider strangers to the relationships as more important than him

 

I really hope you are a teenager.

  • Like 3
Friskyone4u Established Member

Friskyone4u

Posted
Posted

You are just looking for the ego trip of finding out that your ex still wants you.

There is absolutely no reason to be meeting with him. You cheated with current boyfriend and you really should be honest and say you want the attention.

It is cheating because you discussed it with your current boyfriend and are going to do it behind his back

What is your definition of cheating if that does not qualify?

  • Like 2
SciFiWriter Member

SciFiWriter

Posted
Posted

So, who is this 'apology' and 'closure' going to benefit?

 

I'll give you a hint - it's not your ex-boyfriend.

 

This is about YOU and what YOU want. Try being honest with yourself. What do you want out of this proposed contact? Becasue I can see very little in it for your ex - except possibly annoyance, irritation and (worst case) further unnecessary hurt.

  • Like 2
2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a while back for another guy. Shortly thereafter, I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend as I wanted him to move on with his life as well. However, I never got the opportunity to apologize to him or give him closure. Due to this, I recently apologized to my boyfriend and offered to give him an explanation through text. He accepted, but preferred if we discussed all that in person.

 

I spoke to my current boyfriend about seeing my ex JUST to give him the closure he never got, and my current boyfriend wasn't understanding about it at all. My boyfriend thinks it's best for me not to message him OR see him as this would make him highly uncomfortable, and he feels that there is no need for explanations or discussions.

 

I, however, feel otherwise, and feel it's necessary to give my ex-bf the closure he never got. I've told my ex-bf that I'll send him an e-mail first, and if that causes any misconceptions then perhaps we can meet up. I know I'm already violating my current bf's thoughts by sending my ex the message. But I really think it's harmless, and my bf is being jealous and insecure for no reason.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex-bf, I JUST want to close the chapter once and for all. If I message or see my ex-bf without my current bf's permission would this be considered cheating? I'm not doing anything bad.

 

If you want the R to work with the new guy - consider his feelings first.

 

You started a NEW R with this guy before ending the last one. You've ALREADY communicated with the old BF - yet you didn't take that opportunity to spell it out "I cheated on you" would have been enough!

 

Now that the new BF knows you opened that door - and he wants it shut tight - never to communicate with old BF again - you either honor that request or risk loosing the new guy.

 

The old BF I'm sure can figure it out on his own - it's not really yours to give him HIS closure now - you could have done that when it ended, but you didn't.

 

Too little too late - your new BF has a boundary and if/when you cross it he's done (good for him).

 

 

Start NEW patterns that earn trust.

  • Like 1
Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

Posted
Posted (edited)
Too little too late - your new BF has a boundary and if/when you cross it he's done (good for him)..

Perhaps it is really old pain speaking, but in my book the new guy hasn't got any right here. he sounds like a self-absorbed dude, whatever would be new in these kind of cases. His insecurity is also laughable. He was man enough (barf) when he got together with her (I am assuming here that he knew). I would say her ex has more rights in this case, but I am not sure if his rights are served when she contacts him. I get the feeling she wants it more for herself. Sorry for the rant.

Edited by Itspointless
David87 Established Member

David87

Posted
Posted

WOOOW so you feel sorry for the poor bastard now and you want to give him closure . Leave him alone woman, you dumped him and crushed this heart. I understand you feel guilty but he already got closure, leave him alone whats done is done.

  • Like 2
mangetout Established Member

mangetout

Posted
Posted

OP you may think you are on control if you see your ex but it's too easy to get back into bed with him. This is a temptation in itself. I would just send an email.

 

 

My ex fiancé made contact with one of his exes for this so called closure. They had ended their relationship badly three years ago. After the third meeting they slept together. And he so regrets it.

This obviously ruined what we had together.

 

An ex is an ex for a reason. Leave your ex alone if you are in a relationship with another man. You gave him your closure by ending that relationship.

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