h919m Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hello I am a first time poster. I am so distraught that it led me to this forum. My BF broke up with me two weeks ago. I just moved to a new city and he was planning to move with me. He accepted a job here and had a start date, and got an apartment near me. He had been nervous about the move, insecure that I know people in the new city and he does not. But days before, he was ready. He couldn't have loved me more, was telling me how he couldn't wait to marry me, etc. The day before I was set to leave town, he got suspicious that I had changed my iPhone passcode and began questioning me about whether I was texting someone I shouldn't have been. We have a slight (ridiculous) history with this. I am still friends with two exes (8+ years ago exes). My BF found out I still talked to them and was mad I didn't tell him. He looked in my phone and saw texts from that ex. They are innocent. I have no feelings for that person other than as a friend. Suddenly, BF tells me I'm a liar and he can't trust me. However, he still said that he would get over it and the good in our relationship was more than this. For two days he was telling me he missed me and wished he was with me. Then, one night, after telling me those same things, he says he can't move and doesn't want to do long distance. He unfriended me on FB and Twitter and hasn't communicated since. He has also been posting pics of him out having fun, one of them with a girl he had been seeing before he met me. Will I ever hear from this guy again? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life and wanting to marry them to this? Sorry for the long post, but I am so heartbroken and need some words to help. Thank you. 1
somecamel Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hello I am a first time poster. I am so distraught that it led me to this forum. My BF broke up with me two weeks ago. I just moved to a new city and he was planning to move with me. He accepted a job here and had a start date, and got an apartment near me. He had been nervous about the move, insecure that I know people in the new city and he does not. But days before, he was ready. He couldn't have loved me more, was telling me how he couldn't wait to marry me, etc. The day before I was set to leave town, he got suspicious that I had changed my iPhone passcode and began questioning me about whether I was texting someone I shouldn't have been. We have a slight (ridiculous) history with this. I am still friends with two exes (8+ years ago exes). My BF found out I still talked to them and was mad I didn't tell him. He looked in my phone and saw texts from that ex. They are innocent. I have no feelings for that person other than as a friend. Suddenly, BF tells me I'm a liar and he can't trust me. However, he still said that he would get over it and the good in our relationship was more than this. For two days he was telling me he missed me and wished he was with me. Then, one night, after telling me those same things, he says he can't move and doesn't want to do long distance. He unfriended me on FB and Twitter and hasn't communicated since. He has also been posting pics of him out having fun, one of them with a girl he had been seeing before he met me. Will I ever hear from this guy again? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life and wanting to marry them to this? Sorry for the long post, but I am so heartbroken and need some words to help. Thank you. Has you ex boyfriend been burnt before with infidelity? I had issues with my ex GF being friends on Facebook and chatting with her ex before me for the 7 years I was with her, she left me for him beginning of this year Or Maybe he's just not grown up enough to do the move to the city with you and had ran away.
CaliBabe Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Yikes. I can see why he felt betrayed. You changed your passcode for a reason. There was obviously something you didn't want him to see. I think any person in a relationship would feel a certain way had their partner changed their passcode (looks like hiding) and then to find out their partner was talking to an ex... It just looks sketchy. I mean he was uprooting his life for you. Trying to make it work and to discover this, whether innocent or not is heartbreaking. I don't know if this man will come back. Trust has been compromised. And as you stated in your post, you have a slight issue with this in the past... I hate to sound so harsh, but you should have known better. Take this as a learning lesson. 3
redbaron005 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Yikes. I can see why he felt betrayed. You changed your passcode for a reason. There was obviously something you didn't want him to see. I think any person in a relationship would feel a certain way had their partner changed their passcode (looks like hiding) and then to find out their partner was talking to an ex... It just looks sketchy. I mean he was uprooting his life for you. Trying to make it work and to discover this, whether innocent or not is heartbreaking. I don't know if this man will come back. Trust has been compromised. And as you stated in your post, you have a slight issue with this in the past... I hate to sound so harsh, but you should have known better. Take this as a learning lesson. ^this. And seriously why would you not cut ties with these exes? You seem to still hold steadfast to the idea that that is okay since they are "friends." In my mind as a guy I would be thinking these guys are backups and that you didn't love me enough to make me the only one. F that, I wouldn't move cities with you either. 4
Elle1975 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hello I am a first time poster. I am so distraught that it led me to this forum. My BF broke up with me two weeks ago. I just moved to a new city and he was planning to move with me. He accepted a job here and had a start date, and got an apartment near me. He had been nervous about the move, insecure that I know people in the new city and he does not. But days before, he was ready. He couldn't have loved me more, was telling me how he couldn't wait to marry me, etc. The day before I was set to leave town, he got suspicious that I had changed my iPhone passcode and began questioning me about whether I was texting someone I shouldn't have been. We have a slight (ridiculous) history with this. I am still friends with two exes (8+ years ago exes). My BF found out I still talked to them and was mad I didn't tell him. He looked in my phone and saw texts from that ex. They are innocent. I have no feelings for that person other than as a friend. Suddenly, BF tells me I'm a liar and he can't trust me. However, he still said that he would get over it and the good in our relationship was more than this. For two days he was telling me he missed me and wished he was with me. Then, one night, after telling me those same things, he says he can't move and doesn't want to do long distance. He unfriended me on FB and Twitter and hasn't communicated since. He has also been posting pics of him out having fun, one of them with a girl he had been seeing before he met me. Will I ever hear from this guy again? How do you go from calling someone the love of your life and wanting to marry them to this? Sorry for the long post, but I am so heartbroken and need some words to help. Thank you. What's the reason behind changing your passcode? Did you give him the code or did he have to pressure you into doing so? I have no problem leaving my phone laying around the person I am dating. There is nothing in it, like promiscuous texts, that would raise suspicion. I wouldn't want someone to snoop into my phone, sure, but I don't give them a reason to do so. I would like to know, what are the reasons behind the "slight (ridiculous) history". Is it about the same ex who was texting you? If it is, I can understand how it rubbed him the wrong way. 3
lovebug_5858 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 It seems that there was more than just this one thing, there were two. There wasn't much, if any, trust to begin with or he would have been more susceptible to the "just friends" reason. I'm not saying he would have liked it obviously but if there was trust I don't believe he would have left you. Also, in any circumstance, we as feeble humans, want to take care of what we have and like a caveman, we don't want to feel challenged. He felt challenged, and whether you care to admit it or not, you would have too. Take this and learn from it, don't make the same mistake a third time.
hogwild Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hello @h919m, You can get him back. But it ain't gonna be easy. It'd be easier to make eggplant taste like bacon than to get him to move to you. HINT: Slice the eggplant into thin strips. Fry for 5 minutes. Add salt and pig flavor. You need to do something AMAZING to get him back. You broke his trust. He has no safety now. Why should he change his entire life and move to you for a girl who can't even keep a promise to stop talking her ex-boink-buddies? Was your talking with exes innocent? Who cares. You HID it. It looks bad. You felt you didn't NEED to stop talking to exes because there was no harm in it. Well guess what, it harmed him. Every relationship has a price. The price to be with him was to lose the friendships with your exes. You weren't willing to pay that price. Is he worth it now? If yes, TELL HIM. Start with, "I'm sorry I broke your trust. I felt entitled to talk to whomever I wanted because I knew I'd NEVER cheat on you. But still, it was wrong to hide it from you and I can see why it looks bad. I'm so sorry. I want to make it up to you AND I want you to know I FINALLY understand how important it was to you." This might get his attention. Or if not this, send him a bouquet of flowers. And by flowers, I mean beer. And have it delivered by 1980s pop star Rick Astley. THEN, you can slowly work on him. He was clear about what he wants and why he broke up with you, and he won't be back with you until you give him that and change your lifestyle regarding being secretive and not open. He is right about demanding what makes him happy. If you can not give him that, don't waste your time and let him find a new girlfriend who can give him exactly what he wants. Go get him back ONLY if you can give him all that, without any exception, (without deceiving him that you are opened but really secretly contacting those people on different devices,or deleting texts). In this case you would need to email him, and describe honestly: * why you did what you did before with these exes * why you decided to stop contacting your exes for him * why you changed the passcode - honestly- if you kept it to keep in touch with them- say it- but state that now you will keep the phone open * and THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT- state clearly that you WILL NOT engage any contact with these or any potential backup people anymore & in case they will contact you, you won't be engaging in conversations or chatting with them, but classy and politely dismiss them WITHOUT any jealous boyfriend explanation. * AND MOSTLY be open about all this to your boyfriend including showing him your responses to gain back his trust and confidence in you and your honesty. You should be clear about what you have to offer to him and that you won't disappoint him this time. And that you want to be "Together Forever with YOOOOOOU." DAMMIT! Rick Astley's song is stuck in my head! Don't try to convince him to trust you right away. Let him do it in his own speed... if he needs time you will need to give him time and your maximum effort. Pressure won't work. Give 100% to earn the trust back. Stay focused on your goal. Each good action will make a difference, but remember that even the smallest bad action will take you a few steps back and he might break up again, so be thoughtful and careful and comfort him as much as he needs it. That should work in time. Not all, but many people deceived by a lover in the past will find it a trigger when a partner will keep their phone locked. So do what you gotta do to get him back. Give him what he wants: no contact with exes, no hiding things, proof you are only his, and REAL bacon, not that fried eggplant crap! 3
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 If he has already moved to your city, there is a chance you can get him back. Why you would want to get back together with somebody who clearly doesn't trust you & who resorts to ending the relationship before talking about what's wrong. If these EXs were friends for 8 years before he ever came along, he's going to need to make peace with their existence but you need to be transparent in your dealings with them & make him comfortable. When you have calmed down, talk to him. Explain why you changed your passcode. I don't even know the code to my husband's phone or computer nor do I want it. Work on your communication & possibly this can be saved but that is a two way street.
Ewelorka Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Have you ever heard the saying: "Couples who never fight, have a lot of secrets." Ask yourself if you want to live an honest life, filled with plenty of opportunities of confrontations and mutual growth - or - the life full of secrets, with no confrontation about any topics regarding jealousy, cheating or betrayal. I agree with many people here that what you did was not right and was simply being not honest. Price of honesty is always more pleasant than a price of dishonesty. I agree that not all people but most of the people deceived by a lover int he past will find it a trigger when a partner will keep their iphone with a pass code unknown to them. Altho from a psychological point of view, I must add that those people are usually those who have secrets themselves, or had perhaps had them previously. Yes, people with a flirtatious nature, who have something to delete here and there, even if only few times a year or so, would definitely rather to hide it so they partner won't find out, they believe it protects their partner and a relationship - but they are wrong- it actually disables them from mutual growth and understanding, connecting on a higher level. People with promiscuous nature are the ones who demand such privacy. DOn't get me wrong, but a person who has nothing to hide, will not hide it. They are also people who simply don't care for having partner's passwords, but that is either to please them, or because they have something to hide themselves. Some people call it "a privacy issue" but the deep root of this problem is that they are afraid of potential confrontation or being honest. It might be because in the past they were punished for being truthful, honest, or because they got caught, and didn't learn the lesson yet. On the other hand as it has been said, a person who was deceived even once, very often ends up having permanently heightened senses, and quick reaction to this sort of secrets. For people hurt previously this will always be a major pain and a red flag. Person who was hurt, by logic, wants to be with a person who definitely has noting to hide. they want to share their life completely with a sharing person, who is willing (not under any pressure) to be completely open about everything, starting from what color you like, to if your ex texted you today and what you decided to reply, or that your co worker tried to seduce you.. Most of people who call this a "privacy matter"fear this type of confrontation, so they chose to be dishonest. Dishonesty and secrets never lead to a truly great strong relationship. Being open always pays of and is less of a hassle and a heartache, because not only you will be able to create a special bond of trust but also will avoid the partner to question you and your every step. You will learn about your triggers and how to present the ugliest situation in a loving honest way, having your partner understand it. Trust doesn't come with avoiding the honesty and confrontation. Trust comes with being to share anything and be sure your partner won't take it the wrong way. That attitude can be obtained only with practicing the true transparency by both of the partners/lovers. With total honesty (openness) comes the true trust. You not only trust the other person they speak the truth, they won't do something to hurt you, but also you trust they don't have the need to snoop on you because you provide them a total safety. This is admirable, and rare. The fact is this couples are the only ones that posses complete ability to understand each other under any circumstances. NO judgement, just mutual love, care, trust, respect and safety. It's been medically proven that the best couples out there are able to tell each other anything about their life, but not only. Those with an exceptionally admirable bond, will share anything between each other only, they will be able even to discuss some of their friend's secrets knowing there will be no further judgement & that both of the partners will keep it to themselves. It's almost like a secret bond between two people that contains no secrets. What it teaches a couple is communication and sensitivity to each others feelings as well as non judgemental mistrusting approach. It is pure art of creating a capacity of higher love and understanding between the two of people. It takes effort, and time to master that. The beginnings are the hardest because people have still a lot of expectations and ego barriers. The beginnings bring a lot of confrontation that most of people will feel to weak to cope with. That is why people refuse to pay the price of being completely honest in the beginning, because they are more scared of being honest then of being secretive. They think being honest might lead to some misunderstandings or minor arguments, so they avoid the complete honesty hoping they will never have to face any complications. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Confrontation about sensitive topics and feelings pays off & A LOT. This approach tho pays of very well in a long run because teaches the couple of not reacting with their ego or fears and jealousy. This teaches two people to understand each other deeply, and that is a path to a indestructible true bond between them. Couples practicing full openness begin to be able to talk and share thoughts about any sensitive or ugly topic with confidence, love, trust, high level of understanding, care, respect and sooner or later a laid back approach and even great sense of humor. They have very high comfort of sharing everything with each other, therefore they crate the highest kind of a bond there can be between two people. They live with the soothing feeling that their relationship comes before anything and there is no chance in the universe that they will feel thretened by anyone or anything because they learnt to trust and love their partner beyond limits. THEY BECOME ONE.
benzo72 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Ok well im not sure how he can just go back and forth like that but i can say this, those pictures are to get you jealous! Thats a classic move by him trying to get back at you. I suggest you NEVER again talk to those other exs. He's obviously not cool with it ok? Tell your bf the code and dont let it appear like your hiding anything if he is gonna be so insecure! I think this should serve as a wake up call for both of you! Get rid of your exs anywhere they are, they are exs not friends! So natuarlly your bf had a pronlem to you still talking to a guy who you were prob intament with, duhhhh. Give him space and time to cool down ok? I think he will come around! Goodluck
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