Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hi. I've been with my boyfriend for over a month. It's the longest relationship I've had in 11 years. 11 years ago i was in a relationship that was abusive but I'm beginning to lose memories of what actually happened. For eight years i was in thr church and so after being frustrated i decided to advertise soely for sex. I had sex with five people. To make up for as much lost time as possible. I was so happy. I felt incontrol. But then the experience lost it's luster and i returned to the church. I'm finally dating someone. And I'm really grateful. Although there isn't a lot of chemistry, there is compatibility. Chemistry I've learnt has failed me, as ive felt something strongly for someone else amd they've not felt the same or so they say. I believe attraction grows. And attraction has grown between me and my boyfriend . So much so that he is talking of marriage and thr future already. My boyfriend has a child and been married before .. but it hasn't put him off wanting to do it again. I'm more tentative, scared and ambiguous about the whole thing. I know that my inexperience is a terrible embarrassment. Perhaps only I feel it because I'm me and only I'm going through it. But i've told him to slow down but he says he's inlove and wants to talk about the future. My ex never talked about a future with me in two years let alone one month. I'm really grateful and relieved that i have my boyfriend. Some days i pinch myself. But i was just wondering what are the pros and cons of relationship experience gaps... and how do we get through this " hump" in our relationship ?
HappyLove Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I don't see why being single for a long time is such a "hump" in your relationship. It's not like people who jumped in and out of multiple FAILED relationships over that time are somehow better than you. Some people who stay in relationships and are never single have a host of insecurity and other issues. My advice is to JUST.LIVE.LIFE. You are probably much more well adjusted with yourself because you took the time you needed to heal and hopefully better yourself. It's not a problem unless you make it one. It takes a strong individual to stay single and know they can rely on themselves. As far as your relationship. It's great that he talks about the future but the truth is you don't know someone well AT ALL after only four weeks of dating. You just don't. The only way you will know if he's sincere is by his ACTIONS not words! People can tell you anything. It's what they show you that's important. You're smart not to get too caught up as you're still a new couple. Good luck! 2
firmness Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Wow. Where to start. Here are a few thoughts: 1. You are repeating a pattern. One month is extremely quick to consider such things. You and he are way too early on to think about the future. If your last relationship was 11 years ago and lasted for two years, you must be in your late 20's at best. Do you not see this? 2. What experience gap are you talking about? You had several casual sex partners and one long term relationship. That is plenty of experience. What you may be talking about is the 11 years of (whatever). Gaps are not important. Experiences are most important and even more important still are the lessons you learn from those experiences. In other words - your wisdom. 3. Your boyfriend worries me. That he has a kid and was married and is willing to get married again within a month is a very serious red flag to me. So many bad stories start out this way. 4. Not sure I get your distinction between chemistry and compatibility. If you do not have "chemistry" you will cheat on him. Read this again as many times as you have to in order for it to sink in. Do not do this to him. It is wrong and selfish to seek comfort and security in a guy when there is not spark. When you are 40 years old you will feel differently. I promise you this. My very strong suggestion to you is that you slow things down. Spend a year or two getting to know each other. Get to know his kid when the time is right. Find out each other's deepest values. You may think you are compatible, but that is a process that can take years to figure out. It isn't like online dating where you check off things on a list. Relationships are infinitely more complex. Good luck.
FitChick Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Tell the boyfriend you will discuss this after you've been together a year. Until then you want to enjoy getting to know him better. Reassure him you aren't interested in other men. If he pressures you that is a red flag.
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I don't know what inexperience you are talking about. Everyone's pat makes them the person they are today. You seemed to have learned from your past. You also seem to own the choices you made. That level of introspection & self acceptance is a good thing. DH & I had very different relationship experiences. He had a HS GF, a few dates & a woman who broke his heart. She dumped him the night he had been planning to propose because she didn't think he was serious enough about the relationship. I had tons of dates through college and 3 long term relationships: 2.5 years, 12 years (we lived together) and 2.5 years, plus a smattering of dates between. It had no effect on our compatibility. 1
Assasda Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I just think OP is really insecure, and has been insecure for a long time. She doesnt think she worthy of relationships or thinks that she's inadequate, thats why you had the sex partners. Youre not missing anything OP, settle down and trust your gut, and work on your insecurities, I'm sure youre a special girl, and you'll get with a special guy, whether its now or in the future. Good luck
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 when the time is right you know it.......you just do it might be a month it could be a day, or it might be a year....whose to say how and when its right but you and the person you are with...... if you follow your heart you give it a chance at progression you stall when you listen and throw things back to your past....move forward take it how you feel and go at the pace yrou heart lets you go at...love is a risk...any time....any experience and any way so take the risk and i wish you the best.......life is too short ......dont waste it worrying what you dont know and live what you do know and that is in your heart...... ........deb
Elle1975 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hi. I've been with my boyfriend for over a month. It's the longest relationship I've had in 11 years. 11 years ago i was in a relationship that was abusive but I'm beginning to lose memories of what actually happened. For eight years i was in thr church and so after being frustrated i decided to advertise soely for sex. I had sex with five people. To make up for as much lost time as possible. I was so happy. I felt incontrol. But then the experience lost it's luster and i returned to the church. I'm finally dating someone. And I'm really grateful. Although there isn't a lot of chemistry, there is compatibility. Chemistry I've learnt has failed me, as ive felt something strongly for someone else amd they've not felt the same or so they say. I believe attraction grows. And attraction has grown between me and my boyfriend . So much so that he is talking of marriage and thr future already. My boyfriend has a child and been married before .. but it hasn't put him off wanting to do it again. I'm more tentative, scared and ambiguous about the whole thing. I know that my inexperience is a terrible embarrassment. Perhaps only I feel it because I'm me and only I'm going through it. But i've told him to slow down but he says he's inlove and wants to talk about the future. My ex never talked about a future with me in two years let alone one month. I'm really grateful and relieved that i have my boyfriend. Some days i pinch myself. But i was just wondering what are the pros and cons of relationship experience gaps... and how do we get through this " hump" in our relationship ? Inexperience can actually be a turn on to some. No worries there. And beside, it's never too late to learn how to ride a bike I am like you, I believe attraction and love grow overtime - provided that there is a minimum of it to begin with, of course!
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Chemistry can be quite blinding & lust can get in the way of a real relationship that can develop. Compatablility is more important. And attraction can grow over time absolutely! But he's already two steps ahead of me with the whole marriage thing.
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