Can we recover after near break up?

[jinjin113]

Need some help here.

 

I'm 32, my bf is 31. We both have kids from previous relationships that we have majority custody of. We've been boyfriend and girlfriend since January. We both commute to work, my commute is about 2 hours a day (back and forth), his is about 3 (back and forth). We also live about an hour away from each other. We live in Los Angeles, so this is why there's so much driving. We met online and knew the distance between us when we decided to go on a date (he approached me online). We've been making it work, but some circumstances around our situation have changed lately to make it even more difficult.

 

He's been really stressed out the past couple of weeks. He says it's hard to juggle everything especially now that he has his son almost 100% of the time (in the beginning of our relationship, he had his son about 80% of the time) and needs to study for an important exam for work that happens in December. He says he thinks the relationship is causing us both stress because it’s such a production to schedule time to see each other…between arranging childcare, coordinating schedules, driving, etc. He plans to move in about 10 months and when he moves he would be about 15-20 minutes away from me. He says he wishes we had met 10 months down the line.

 

We love each other (we've said it to each other), have talked about moving in together in the future, etc. For my part, I can say I'm very much in love with him and could see us getting married one day. So, we've been going through this strain and last week something came up that really threw another wrench in things.

 

Before we met, he bought a ticket to go to EDC (electric daisy carnival) with some friends and some cousins. We talked about it a couple of months ago and he decided not to go. Partly because he himself is not that interested in it anyway and partly because I told him I am not comfortable with him going, even though if it were reversed, he said he would be ok with me going. (We acknowledged that neither position was wrong, it's just always easier in relationships if the couple agrees on what's appropriate or inappropriate.) Three days before EDC, he tells me that he hasn't sold his ticket yet because he thought he could sell it last minute, but a new batch of official tickets were just released. He also can't get his money back on the lodging. About $1,000.00 is what he has sunk into this. Either way, it's a sunk cost, but he figures if he's going to lose the money he might as well go. I can’t believe he waited this long to take care of it. We then have a big fight over whether he's going or not and this combined with our other stress cause him to break up with me last Thursday.

 

He's confusing me during the break up though because I ask him things like so I guess we're never talking to or seeing each other again? He says he still loves me and he'd be really sad if he never saw me again, that he would want to find a way to make it work once he moved. So, eventually, I'm getting the idea that he's too stressed now to continue this, but is thinking we can get back together when he moves. I tell him I don’t want to lose him and that I love him too much to give up. I ask him why don't we just ease up a little and if it's too stressful to continue seeing each other 2-3 times a week even though it's very difficult, why don't we stay together but see each other less until things change? He says he didn't really think that was an option because he thinks I get upset if we don't see each other at least how much we were previously. In the end, we decide to try it and stay together.

 

Here's my issue. This just happened last Thursday and it's now Tuesday. It hasn't been that long, but I can't help but constantly worry he's going to want to break up with me again. I feel like I'm constantly on edge worrying he'll change his mind. I asked him last week if he changed his mind because he felt sorry for me or if he felt like I forced him to change his mind. He said no and has repeatedly told me he loves me since we decided to stay together. I just can't shake this worry though. I also feel like I can’t really show him how worried I am about it because I’m worried he’ll think I’m still too stressed out over the relationship and want to break up again. I’m feeling on edge, hurt, and worried things between us are not the same (meaning not as good). I think feeling like this is pretty normal for a little bit after what happened. I think I need to give it some time and see if it goes away. Has anyone come close to breaking up or broken up, gotten back together and experienced this? Is it possible for things to work out? Or is it just already doomed?

Edited June 25, 2014 by jinjin113

[Versacehottie]

ok, not doomed, I know plenty of relationships that have gotten back on track after a break up. However, perhaps on a relatively "small" issue, in all honesty, he may be reconsidering in totality if it will ever work. Complete honesty: you seem like you are being unreasonable about him attending EDC. And to answer your question of why he didn't organize selling the ticket better:

a) he is somewhat unorganized and flys by the seat of his pants--uh, many guys do this

b) he never planned to but wanted to get you off his back about it

 

My advice is give the guy a break and let him have some fun away without you. It's allowed after all and part of healthy relationship. I think you will benefit from it. Good luck

[jinjin113]

Thanks for the reply. EDC already happened last weekend, so it's not really an issue anymore whether he's going or not. It's already over, he did end up going for two days and one night. I really do think everyone has their own opinion on this (again, doesn't really matter because it's already over). I've never been to anything like that and I've heard from people who have gone that it is a lot of nearly naked girls and a lot of people on drugs, drugs that make people want to touch each other. I guess since I've never been, it just doesn't sound like a great situation for my boyfriend to be in. Also, in the past he's gone to things where he says he won't remember certain periods of time (short periods of time that aren't really all that clear to him) because of things he's taken (E, molly, whatever). Are there people who would agree with me that that wouldn't be ok with them? Sure. Are there people who would just say if you trust him let him go? Sure.

 

I just want to move on past this. He bought the ticket before he met me and I'm 100% certain that if for some reason he were to go to anything like this again, we would go together. I'm not usually a jealous person and I'm pretty comfortable with most things some people wouldn't be. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club and got a lap dance for a bachelor party for example. Just from what I've heard from people who have gone to EDC and that it's three nights long, doesn't make me feel all that great about it. I don't think me not being comfortable with him doing stuff would be a problem in the future. I really just want to forget all this and go back to how we were (which is happy, albeit stressed dealing with our obstacles).

[Assasda]

Seems like youre trying to control him.

You already told him you dont want him to go.

There is nothing else you can do. He's a grown ass man.

So if you try to control his actions, its going to end. All the time.

 

You can tell him not to use drugs, and tell him to be safe, but you cant control what he does with his life, youre not his mother.

 

Glad that ou 2 are back together though, and worked it out

[Elle1975]

He's probably pulling away because of what happened with the EDC. My guess is that it's not the first time that you had this controlling kind of behavior with him.

 

You showed your anxiety and controlling tendencies by asking the whole "I guess we're never talking to or seeing each other again?", (super passive aggressive). Asking again if he had taken the decision out of pity, etc etc.... I really would have avoided that. It only made you look insecure. It's easy though to see clearly when we're not emotionally involved.

 

He's probably thinking "if she tries to tell me what to do now, what is it going to be when we move in together, get married, etc.."

 

Could be wrong, we'd need more info.

 

I'd let him breath.

 

One thing you can tell yourself when you feel anxious is "I just don't know" (meaning, why stress over something you don't know) - "I just don't know if he's going to dump me, just don't know what the future holds", etc..

[jinjin113]

 

One thing you can tell yourself when you feel anxious is "I just don't know" (meaning, why stress over something you don't know) - "I just don't know if he's going to dump me, just don't know what the future holds", etc..

 

Thank you, I find this useful.

 

I'm kind of surprised at how many people think I am being really controlling. I have never asked him not to do something before and he actually brought it up months ago as something he wanted to make sure I was ok with (EDC), I'm assuming he did that because he could see why it might be a problem. I said that I wasn't entirely comfortable and he promised he wouldn't go. He broke that promise and yes, I was upset. I don't really see why I'm wrong for being honest about how I feel and maintaining the same position I had before he broke the promise. I eventually backed off though and just let him make his own decision. I also think everyone has their limits of what they find to be acceptable behavior for their significant other, no?

 

I asked him if it meant we would never see each other or talk to each other again because I was pretty sure that's not what he wanted, but since he was using the term break up (which to me means a clean break, you don't talk to or see each other again...I'm not one to stay friends with exes) I wanted to clarify. Once I defined what break up meant to me (no talking or seeing each other again), he said that's not what he wanted. So, to me that shows it was an important thing to talk about.

Edited June 25, 2014 by jinjin113

[Elle1975]

Thank you, I find this useful.

 

I'm kind of surprised at how many people think I am being really controlling. I have never asked him not to do something before and he actually brought it up months as something he wanted to make sure I was ok with (EDC), I'm assuming because he could see why it might be a problem. I said that I wasn't entirely comfortable and he promised he wouldn't go. He broke that promise and yes, I was upset. I don't really see why I'm wrong for being honest about how I feel and maintaining the same position I had before he broke the promise. I eventually backed off though and just let him make his own decision. I also think everyone has their limits of what they find to be acceptable behavior for their significant other, no?

 

I asked him if it meant we would never see each other or talk to each other again because I was pretty sure that's not what he wanted, but since he was using the term break up (which to me means a clean break, you don't talk to or see each other again...I'm not one to stay friends with exes) I wanted to clarify. Once I defined what break up meant to me (no talking or seeing each other again), he said that's not what he wanted. So, to me that shows it was an important thing to talk about.

 

I suffer from anxiety related to dating/getting close to someone (my dad left, raised by an alcoholic mother, yada yada etc etc..). I learned a few tips on how to tell my anxiety to stfu and let me live my life

 

Anyway... You might not agree on what a break up means, it is still a break up. Either he's in, or he's out. Can't have his cake and eat it too... To me it would translate into "ah.. I am not sure if I want to keep dating you.. let me think.. oh yeah! Let me date other people.. and keep you on the back burner while I do so.."

 

Like I said, you're IN or you're OUT! Can't be both. It's confusing as hell; and cruel.

 

And nothing wrong with stating what you are willing to accept or not, then it's up to them to stay in the relationship or not. And vice versa.

[jinjin113]

 

Like I said, you're IN or you're OUT! Can't be both. It's confusing as hell; and cruel.

 

And nothing wrong with stating what you are willing to accept or not, then it's up to them to stay in the relationship or not. And vice versa.

 

Well, we've already decided that we're IN. We're just like we were before, exclusive (not seeing other people). So, it's not like we decided to become friends with benefits or lessen the commitment level or anything. All we decided was to not put so much pressure on seeing each other 2-3 times a week when we live an hour apart. Maybe just once a week until his test is over or his baby mama steps up and takes the custody she is supposed to take (his availability is greatly reduced by this because if he has his son 100% of the time like has been lately, it makes it hard for him to come see me).

[Versacehottie]

Thanks for the reply. EDC already happened last weekend, so it's not really an issue anymore whether he's going or not. It's already over, he did end up going for two days and one night. I really do think everyone has their own opinion on this (again, doesn't really matter because it's already over). I've never been to anything like that and I've heard from people who have gone that it is a lot of nearly naked girls and a lot of people on drugs, drugs that make people want to touch each other. I guess since I've never been, it just doesn't sound like a great situation for my boyfriend to be in. Also, in the past he's gone to things where he says he won't remember certain periods of time (short periods of time that aren't really all that clear to him) because of things he's taken (E, molly, whatever). Are there people who would agree with me that that wouldn't be ok with them? Sure. Are there people who would just say if you trust him let him go? Sure.

 

I just want to move on past this. He bought the ticket before he met me and I'm 100% certain that if for some reason he were to go to anything like this again, we would go together. I'm not usually a jealous person and I'm pretty comfortable with most things some people wouldn't be. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club and got a lap dance for a bachelor party for example. Just from what I've heard from people who have gone to EDC and that it's three nights long, doesn't make me feel all that great about it. I don't think me not being comfortable with him doing stuff would be a problem in the future. I really just want to forget all this and go back to how we were (which is happy, albeit stressed dealing with our obstacles).

 

Well, I certainly hope it all works out and usually after a break period things are a little out of norm or shaky feeling. And even though EDC is over, what I think is important is that even if you are not comfortable (because I probably wouldn't like it all that much either), sometimes you just have to trust people rather than control all that they might come into contact with that you don't like; for example, from your posts, I get the impression that you feel if you had met before he purchased the tickets, you could influence his decision regarding EDC, ie "next time I will be able to control it better--he'll go or he'll take me". And this is what I would caution you against. 'Cause if I'm getting that feeling (whether or not it's true), then he's probably getting that feeling and people can run from someone trying to control them. If I'm reading between the lines, it's seems like you might not believe he has self-control in situations around drugs or naked people on e or molly. If that is truly your concern, that really won't go away by keeping him away from this one event. It will just manifest itself in regards to other events, other situations, other areas with lack of self control, perceived or real. Anyway, so that you think i'm not down on you, perhaps your own subconscious is sending you red flags about him because these are real concerns. So probably smart that you keep your guard up and evaluate things--both what he is and your actions.

 

And so to get back to what you really want to know: yes, I have seen many couples weather rough periods. Come out fine or greater for it. A word of caution: the one thing that I have never really seen bridged with success is issues of trust/control, which is why I addressed that part in my answer to you. Good luck.

[Priv]

I've never been to anything like that and I've heard from people who have gone that it is a lot of nearly naked girls and a lot of people on drugs, drugs that make people want to touch each other.

 

 

 

You are talking about xtc. It does make you lovey lovey with everyone, and also true, your memory of the evening is cloudy at best. However, a heavy night drinking lowers your inhibitions and judgement a lot more in my opinion. And while you might be feeling horny on XTC, most men including me won't be able to get it up without some pharmaceutical help much less orgasm so no worries about cheating (I am Dutch, we have a little bit more liberal stand on party drugs and I have done it a few times so shoot me).

 

 

Besides that, I agree with Versace and Assasda. It was unfair/controlling to force him not to go, while he made arrangements before he met you that amounted to a 1000+ dollars. You don't trust him either with not doing drugs and/or cheating. Like I said, a night out on the booze is much more dangerous, and also without these festivals can be a lot fun.

 

 

This on top of a demanding LDR (let's face it, it is with 2 families with kids, 1.5 hours commute to work + an hour from each other)

[Versacehottie]

oops,

"he'll NOT go or he'll take me"

[Elle1975]

Well, we've already decided that we're IN. We're just like we were before, exclusive (not seeing other people). So, it's not like we decided to become friends with benefits or lessen the commitment level or anything. All we decided was to not put so much pressure on seeing each other 2-3 times a week when we live an hour apart. Maybe just once a week until his test is over or his baby mama steps up and takes the custody she is supposed to take (his availability is greatly reduced by this because if he has his son 100% of the time like has been lately, it makes it hard for him to come see me).

 

Okay, you're in. I understand feeling a bit anxious, just don't let it consume you. I also understand why you're feeling that way, the "if he did once, he'll do it again" kind of deal.

 

What I would do is distance myself emotionally, without playing games of course. Be busy, do your own thing, etc.. Easier said than done, I know. I guess what I'm saying is be ready for a good or bad outcome.

[J21]

I think it was unreasonable for you to want him not to go. I read your post about EDC not being an optimal place for a bf to go, but to that point, that's not your decision to make. He's a grown man that can make decisions for himself.

 

If he did go, did something stupid, and you guys had a fight, then that would make be reasonable. But to throw up a fuss for him wanting to go/waiting too long to sell tickets? That's on you lady.

 

After seeing this side of you, I think he is reconsidering whether he wants to consider maintaining the relationship and definitely long term related issues (u guys did talk about marriage afterall). "Is she gonna be like this when we are married?"

 

I'd say he's unsure at the moment, and hedging with "still loves you" statements in case he becomes more clear and makes up his mind. It's natural to feel the way you do after almost ending something special, but if it was meant to be, this will just be a bump in the road.

Edited June 25, 2014 by J21

[jinjin113]

Okay, you're in. I understand feeling a bit anxious, just don't let it consume you. I also understand why you're feeling that way, the "if he did once, he'll do it again" kind of deal.

 

What I would do is distance myself emotionally, without playing games of course. Be busy, do your own thing, etc.. Easier said than done, I know. I guess what I'm saying is be ready for a good or bad outcome.

 

Thank you. I appreciate that you are focusing on what I am really wanting to talk about, which is how to deal with my feelings and whether we can or how to make it through a near break up.

[Elle1975]

Thank you. I appreciate that you are focusing on what I am really wanting to talk about, which is how to deal with my feelings and whether we can or how to make it through a near break up.

 

I'd distance myself emotionally, like I suggested. I think the key is element is not to play games. That's why I suggested being genuinely busy and happy. Return his calls, be who you are, etc.. It's a win-win kind of deal for you. A way not to put all your eggs in the same basket.

 

I'd be wondering about it too. If it was me, I probably would just call it off. I don't like standing on shaky ground anymore; but anyway.. it's not about me.

[jinjin113]

You are talking about xtc. It does make you lovey lovey with everyone, and also true, your memory of the evening is cloudy at best. However, a heavy night drinking lowers your inhibitions and judgement a lot more in my opinion. And while you might be feeling horny on XTC, most men including me won't be able to get it up without some pharmaceutical help much less orgasm so no worries about cheating (I am Dutch, we have a little bit more liberal stand on party drugs and I have done it a few times so shoot me).

 

 

Besides that, I agree with Versace and Assasda. It was unfair/controlling to force him not to go, while he made arrangements before he met you that amounted to a 1000+ dollars. You don't trust him either with not doing drugs and/or cheating. Like I said, a night out on the booze is much more dangerous, and also without these festivals can be a lot fun.

 

 

This on top of a demanding LDR (let's face it, it is with 2 families with kids, 1.5 hours commute to work + an hour from each other)

 

I appreciate the insight about the drugs. I am not completely anti drug, but yes, I do not have experience with xtc or whatever. I get the sense that everyone thinks I was being too controlling, so I'm slowly starting to consider that maybe I was. I guess the way I saw it was that he asked me if I was comfortable with him going, I gave an honest answer, he accepted my answer without difficulty, promised not to go, didn't take care of what he needed to take care of to keep his promise, then I became the bad guy because I was upset he didn't plan ahead enough to keep his promise.

[Versacehottie]

I appreciate the insight about the drugs. I am not completely anti drug, but yes, I do not have experience with xtc or whatever. I get the sense that everyone thinks I was being too controlling, so I'm slowly starting to consider that maybe I was. I guess the way I saw it was that he asked me if I was comfortable with him going, I gave an honest answer, he accepted my answer without difficulty, promised not to go, didn't take care of what he needed to take care of to keep his promise, then I became the bad guy because I was upset he didn't plan ahead enough to keep his promise.

 

Listen, the reason everyone is talking about the issues that led up to the break and reconcile IS to determine IF we believe it is possible for you guys to recover after a near break up. They are relevant because they are the issues that led there in first place and now color the experience that the two of you have as a couple. I understand wanting to ignore it and just move on, but in most cases if you don't address or acknowledge you can't make it better and you won't be able to recover. Even from asking here and hearing some things that you didn't agree with initially you can see things a little clearer for yourself for your end of it.

 

I completely agree that if it is the breaking of the promise that you are mostly upset about that you have a right to be. Not saying it's right at all, but sometimes (A LOT) guys will do that to avoid confrontation. He wants to make you happy in a moment, may have somewhat intended to cancel plans to go but also didn't wholeheartedly believe in it, then knowing your position didn't want to argue with you about it but was going to back himself into a corner so he could still do what he wanted. So in a way, you have learned important things about him and can now work on how to deal with in the future, knowing how he is. Not saying it is going to be easy. But discovering who each person is and communication styles is part of the game.