lonely_soulsearching Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 I was needing some opinions about my situtation with my on and off again relationship. A little history. I love him dearly still....and I don't understand why. He has never given me enough attention or affection ...but he has always been a gentle soul ...never hit on me or anything. I am barley 104 lbs now...at one time in our relaionship I got up to 120 and he said i was fat that is why I thought his interest was being lost in me sexualy...so I obssessed about it and starved myself into a depression. My x boyfriend (I think) and I have been together off and on for 4 years...I am in my mid 30's and him mid 40's we both have kids of our own involved and I figured 2 years ago when I moved in after selling everything I own...in hopes of building our relationship even more and closer eventually leading to marraige. We have always had quite a bumpy relationship....but after I moved in he went on a vacation with his sister and her husband to Europe ( Amsterdam)and said he visited the red light district and ordered 2 prostitutes to his room but couldn't do anything with them cause he was thinking of me (YEAH RIGHT) but then several times since then when he was drinking he would say things like he wishes he had of...that really hurt me, then he would tell me from time to time that there was no such thing as being inlove but he did love me and he would marry me one day if I ....quit drinking...then smoking then...etc...after attempting each of these things and nothing made a difference. The biggest thing that had bothered me the last year of our relationship that made me finally up and move out this last weekend is that...he had a porno addiction. I tried to accept it, make excuses for it, join in on it...but after a while i become more depressed cause I would find that he had been watching them and taking care of himself instead of trying anything with me...when I would bring it up he would say things like...I have been doing it since I was a kid..no big deal all men do or it is just a tool to get the job done or it is better then cheating on you , or I love all women, or men are more visual then women. Finally it caused such a problem that I finally moved out 4 month ago for 30 days and he told me he was sorry missed me and wanted me back so I went he told me he would work on the porno thing... Well I moved back and he had more of them say a collection of 150 tapes all together 20 ears of collecting he says. Then when I moved backI found a new dvd he bought a nd 10 dvd pornos he bought just in the 30 days i was gone Well now I was not feeling good about myself at all...which led me to drink heavier then usual and be more depressed ..then 3 weeks ago he came home from work ...said he realises he has and addiction and said he didn't want to die one day and every one find them. SO he threw them all away (supposedly) Well he only attempted to make love to me once in those 3 weeks. Very discouraging and confusing. Why would someone tell you they love you and lay next to you everynight and prefer to masturbate to porno instead of touching me or making love to me...I am pretty attractive...all my friends tell me I have gotten more and more depressed since moving in with him 2 years ago. I have never felt good enough or pretty enough for him...and he claims it is my own lack of esteem but when someone tells you the things he has about my weight, always looking at pornos with young 18 yrolds in it and mags featuring girls barely legal age. Well I am completly moved out again..and for Valentines Day he brought me a rose bush and a plant for my new apt. Says he still loves me too but just wants to see me happy...he is giving me more attention now that I have moved?????go figure............ He keeps calling me and coming by and I am trying my hardest at avoiding him this time around so I am not crying all the time wondering if I made the wrong decision leaving him.... i am already there and it had been 5 days since moving out...I sit in my apartment and cry when my daughter is gone and feel completely like a failure which I am sure is noticable to my 12 yr old girl still living at home. She has asked why we have split and I told her I would rather be alone and wait to find someone who is as much inlove with me as I am them...but inside I feel totally different. I feel like i maybe should have hung in there and give it moe time or maybe I was making a big deal of things or I was too needy.... Question to you men? Is this normal for all men to over do it on the porno or watch them regularly. Question to anyone? Did I make the right decision in moving out again? Why is it so hard to let him go? Sorry this has been so long.... loosing my mind!
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 how does one die from a porn addiction? and be glad you are away from this crap-hole loser!
MassiveAtom Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 No, all guys don't overdo it. Most guys like it. Some don't. ANy guy who would choose it over the real thing has some problems with sexuality. If you were in bed next to me nekkid. I know what would happen!
Author lonely_soulsearching Posted February 17, 2005 Author Posted February 17, 2005 "how does one die from a porn addiction?" I know one does not die. But I do not understand why this man that claims to love me would prefer porn ( in abundance) over having sex or showing intereset in me. I watch it occasionally myself. I am not frigid or closed minded at all. It left me feeling so bad about myself. Now he is calling telling me tha tif I want sex he is there for me and he still loves me...I moved out last Saturday and he didn't once try to make love to me in 3 weeks after he threw the porn away..... I am confused still and more so. Hasn't anyone out there experienced anything similar to this or have any advice to help me understand.
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