hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) Alittle bit of background...Well the ex and I have been seperated for 2-1/2 years and we have 3 kids..I wasnt a good husband. I was a drinker, gambler, and was arrested a few times for DWI's...Yes I was a screw up but I maintained a good job and was a good provider.. Although I had my idiotic ways I bought us our house and maintained the household with my income.. 2-1/2 years ago my now ex wife tells me she took enough **** and was no longer in love with me.. I moved out and a few weeks later I find out she was seeing a guy from her job... I knew I was an idiot in the past and because of this, I tried to reconcile a few times but it didnt work.. When I left I was gone for 8 months till I ended up buying her out of our home which I now live in.. When I bought her out of the home I had to hired an attorney so that I have it all legal..At the same time we filed a sepration agreement which is our divorce agreement..We were very civil and she is not killing me for what she can get on child support..She actually takes less then half. We also have a good agreement on visitation rights..The kids come by all the time after school and she picks them up when she gets out of work..I also have them every other weekend..So we are good on that.. I try to do the best to maintain a half way decent relationship with her because of the kids and in hopes that one day we may work things out..However I feel in some ways I am getting taken advantage of and that all her wants and needs are met and I am getting crap in return.. This is what I mean.. She left me started dating another guy and I had no choice but to accept it. I left for 8 months to let her think things threw but that didnt come of anything but giving her more time with her boyfriend She wanted me to buy her out of the house and I did She asked me on a date last year and I said yes only for her to cancel She is now dating another guy which I have no choice but to accept My son got a job so she asked if he can use my car and I said yes being I dont use it anyway Maybe its me but I feel like I put myself out there to be the best person I can be to accomodate and help! Then this morning I get this which really pissed me off and I need advice about! Im on furlough right now so I am home and the kids are out of school..This morning my daughter rings the bell...She came over for the day to swim in the pool...I see a car drive away and I ask my daughter who was that? She says mommys boyfriend..It really pissed me off because it apparently means he slept over her house last night with my kids there...I feel like texting her telling her not to have that JO come by my house anymore but I know if I do its only gonna make her know I still give a crap! On the other hand I feel if I say nothing its like Im a punk! I just got home a bit ago from taking my daughter to breakfast and I get a text from my ex telling me she needs money for my older daughters summer school.This added more fuel to the fire and makes me fell I am only there for what she needs while this JO is getting his rocks off for free! I feel like calling her or texting her and telling her the F off so bad! Advice? Edited June 25, 2014 by hurts_so_bad
83cj Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I think she was serious when she said she fell out of love with you and is done. The behavior you described in yourself is the kind that will do that to a relationship and once it's gone, it's nearly always impossible to bring it back from the dead. I think it's over and that for both your sakes, you should just divorce and move on. It seems like she has, and you need to, as well. I'm not sure why the separation has gone on so long without a divorce - is it because you asked her not to divorce you and to give you more time/give you a chance to get her back? You said that she only receives half as much child support as she could. Right now, you seem to have a good arrangement. It requires some cooperation, but divorce and post-divorce will require cooperation, too. She will still be able to contact you to ask for money for things like summer school after you are divorced (and you should take care of them whenever you can, because it's best for your kids). In a divorce, I assume she would ask for the child support she is entitled to and not just half, so if I were you I would expect to pay whatever that is. Also, she will continue to have boyfriends and possibly marry someone else so you will have to get used to that, too. No doubt it all feels really awful, but I think this is reality. My advice is to be cooperative with your separated spouse, get a divorce (since reconciliation seems extremely unlikely), and move on with your life. But continue to work well with your ex when it comes to the kids and money you are required to provide, and you will have to get over the idea of her being with someone else so that you can move on. If you truly have changed, focus on how that can lead to a new relationship with a different woman that you can be happy with, rather than trying to resuscitate one that is sadly gone. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Calm down & be happy that the new BF is responsible enough to be trusted around your kids and he cares enough about them to drive your daughter safely to your house so she can spend time with you. You don't have to accomodate her but you do need to be there for your kids, which it sounds like you are doing. Keep that up & cherish the relationships you have with your kids. 4
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I asked her a lomg time ago about the divorce thing and she said she wasnt sure if we should close the book...There have been times when.she aeemed.really curiious about me and acyually asked.me.out on a date only to cancel and on another occassion she seen.me.out with a girl and got really jealous...why all this.if the feelings are gone? I think part of my problem is that she always ends up getting my attention and I always end up woosing out and paying her positive attention that I.still.care for her back...I have not gotten a divorce yet cause I do not have the money to...I.personally do not think she wants a divorce either cause she needs.my health coverage...So she is going to do.her beat yo.postpone it as long as possible....I know this is all still getting me crazy cause I havent found anyone yet that I reallymlike.while.she has been with atleast two guys already...Part of.my ptoblem.is having no fkn drivers license which is killing me...Im.at the point where Imam.ready to.just druve illegally cause the life I.have without the license.is.miserable and I.am.unable to.move on..I.know if I.had the license I.would.fins.aomeone.I.like ao.much easier and alot of his.paun and caring for.her would be at beat minimal! sorry for any mis spelling or.periods that dont belong...I.am.writting thia ony phone.and.its a real.pain.in.the neck
ThorntonMelon Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hope you don't mind a little constructive tough love. I try to do the best to maintain a half way decent relationship with her because of the kids and in hopes that one day we may work things out..You are evaluating this wrong - you're basically divorced and she has no intention of working things out, and you basically signed the divorce papers and she owes you nothing outside of your role as co-parents. You have to get through that, because it's obviously from your post that you haven't. I had no choice but to accept itI have no choice but to acceptAgain, this is about some sort of control over her that you want but don't have and shouldn't have. Your boundaries are out of whack. I am only there for what she needs while this JO is getting his rocks off for free!Again, your boundaries are out of whack. You're taking care of your kids. She is appropriately living her life. You have the right to ask her to do things if you feel she is asking too much of you, but not seeing that in your post. I feel like texting her telling her not to have that JO come by my house anymore but I know if I do its only gonna make her know I still give a crap! On the other hand I feel if I say nothing its like Im a punk!This is all sort of 5th grade kind of juvenile game-playing stuff. If you don't want another man driving your kids around because you believe it is not in their interest, then tell your ex-wife this. But understand if you fight her moving on with her life, it is going to make things tough on your kids. Nothing to do with being a punk or letting her know you give a crap. Trust me, she knows you give a crap! It bleeds out of everything you say and I am positive that she takes advantage of you because of it. That part is absolutely true of your post - but you're choosing to let her because you think you need to still take care of her. Funny thing is, a girlfriend you were really into and all this nonsense would evaporate. Anyways, good luck. This crap is hard, but remember its only about the kids, not the two of you... 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 You don't have to accommodate her but you do need to be there for your kids, which it sounds like you are doing. Keep that up & cherish the relationships you have with your kids. In addition to this good advice, understand that both the best and worst thing about divorce is this - you get to live your life and she lives hers. So your opinion of who "sleeps over" at her house is just that - your opinion. She's going to pretty much do what she wants. For someone 3 years down the road, you seem focused on her to an unhealthy extent. That energy should be given to your kids (sounds like you have much time with them) and your life going forward... Mr. Lucky
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Don't drive with out a license. You will get caught because all cops have computers & can run your plate just 'cause they are bored. Then you will end up in jail again which will further ruin your relationship with your kids. Focus on them. As you get more settled/ organized perhaps you can work something out with a friend to give you rides to get more of a social life.
DivorcedDad123 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) It's called being a dad.You're paying half of child support,while she has primary custody. I wouldn't rock the boat over summer school money. She can take you back to court and get full child support at any time. Why didn't you go for more overnights with the kids,instead of every other weekend? Don't jump to conclusions about the OM. He may have come over early so your daughter could use his car,or he might have left it the night before for her to use. New people will come into and go out of your childrens lives. Nothing you can do about that. When you find someone special,you'll change your mind. Nevermind on the car. I see he dropped her off instead of her driving it over. Edited June 25, 2014 by DivorcedDad123 sucky reading comprehension 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I am just getting sick of this existance! I know I made my mistakes in the past but what I am going threw is total BS! How am I supposed to find a nice women without a license? Atleast one that I like the same way in return..It seems I only find desperate women who are willing to go out of their way to find a man..Any man! I am worth so much more then settling for someone Im not attracted to! The women who have higher standards are looking for the same standards in return..Not a man who cant drive a god damn car! Ive done everything! even set up my car which cost me $300 a month to insure so that I can get around with my son and daughters...I love my kids with all my heart and would do anything for them but there is another part of life that is missing for me..Thats the love of a beautiful women that I care about and cares about me in return.. Its been over 6 years since I have had a license and as far as the DMV is concerned, I will never have another one again! How am I supposed to have a half way decent life when my freedom to meet someone new or life a decent life is gone? On top of that I have to see the person I love living her life rubbing it under my nose while I just sit here with empty arms! I dont know what else to do!
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Can you move to town . . . so you can walk to restaurants & stores & have access to public transporation?
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Well, I'm not gonna bash on you too bad, but you only have one person to blame for not having a license. You made some mistakes. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do about getting your license back. See if there's ANYTHING you can do, driving safety courses set up by the courts....whatever! But, the only thing you need to be worrying about is you and your kids. No one else. You got yourself in this mess, you need to work things out to improve your life. 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 To answer both questions, I am in town and everything I need is right here..Im actually one of the lucky 7000 NYS residence that are in my boat without a license..I have transportation to and from work right behind my home and all the stores and transportantion I need is right here.. I know I am the one to blame.. However, I am looking to better my life again and not make the same mistakes I have in the past.. But how am I supposed to do so with my hands tied! There is no worse feeling! Its like having a itch under your cast! The state of NY is not allowing anyone to do so with the DMV's new policy on repeat DWI offenders which blindsided people...I was ok'd to apply for my drivers license by the courts in 2012..My application and $110 fee was mailed to them in April or may of that year..My application along with many other peoples applications were held till sept 2012 when the new DMV policy came into effect then the applications were denied.. In all fairness, anyones application that was recieved prior to this policy coming into effect should have had their licenses restored..I do have a lawyer from Albany working on the case but he says its going to be a long road! Even a murderer gets a chance at being a productive part of society at one point if he/she wants to be..Murder is a far cry from any amount of DWI convictions! Its just not fair to ruin peoples lives who only hurt themselves in the long run.. Someone who did hurt or kill someone while D&D its understandable but most people who get caught are doing much less then what the cops do on their nights out and yet they get away with it and have the nerve to convict others with what they do themselves! I dont know! Im just disgusted and done! Even with my ex..I have not answered her call about the money and Im not going to! Maybe if she was more concerned with getting her daughter up on time and to school instead of fkn around with some piece of sh*t my daughter wouldnt have to go to summer school!
2sunny Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Alittle bit of background...Well the ex and I have been seperated for 2-1/2 years and we have 3 kids..I wasnt a good husband. I was a drinker, gambler, and was arrested a few times for DWI's...Yes I was a screw up but I maintained a good job and was a good provider.. Although I had my idiotic ways I bought us our house and maintained the household with my income.. 2-1/2 years ago my now ex wife tells me she took enough **** and was no longer in love with me.. I moved out and a few weeks later I find out she was seeing a guy from her job... I knew I was an idiot in the past and because of this, I tried to reconcile a few times but it didnt work.. When I left I was gone for 8 months till I ended up buying her out of our home which I now live in.. When I bought her out of the home I had to hired an attorney so that I have it all legal..At the same time we filed a sepration agreement which is our divorce agreement..We were very civil and she is not killing me for what she can get on child support..She actually takes less then half. We also have a good agreement on visitation rights..The kids come by all the time after school and she picks them up when she gets out of work..I also have them every other weekend..So we are good on that.. I try to do the best to maintain a half way decent relationship with her because of the kids and in hopes that one day we may work things out..However I feel in some ways I am getting taken advantage of and that all her wants and needs are met and I am getting crap in return.. This is what I mean.. She left me started dating another guy and I had no choice but to accept it. I left for 8 months to let her think things threw but that didnt come of anything but giving her more time with her boyfriend She wanted me to buy her out of the house and I did She asked me on a date last year and I said yes only for her to cancel She is now dating another guy which I have no choice but to accept My son got a job so she asked if he can use my car and I said yes being I dont use it anyway Maybe its me but I feel like I put myself out there to be the best person I can be to accomodate and help! Then this morning I get this which really pissed me off and I need advice about! Im on furlough right now so I am home and the kids are out of school..This morning my daughter rings the bell...She came over for the day to swim in the pool...I see a car drive away and I ask my daughter who was that? She says mommys boyfriend..It really pissed me off because it apparently means he slept over her house last night with my kids there...I feel like texting her telling her not to have that JO come by my house anymore but I know if I do its only gonna make her know I still give a crap! On the other hand I feel if I say nothing its like Im a punk! I just got home a bit ago from taking my daughter to breakfast and I get a text from my ex telling me she needs money for my older daughters summer school.This added more fuel to the fire and makes me fell I am only there for what she needs while this JO is getting his rocks off for free! I feel like calling her or texting her and telling her the F off so bad! Advice? You've known for a long time your exW has had other men involved in her life. I think it's admirable this guy is helping out with your daughter. Any "extra" money your exW asks for - well, just answer with NO. She can ask for everything she wants - you have the right to simply say no. If she needs more - she can figure out how to pay it herself. It's your job to pay your support money - and you've been doing that. I think it's great you spend time with your kids. Keep doing that! Just because your ex asks for additional stuff doesn't mean you need to accommodate her requests. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Someone who did hurt or kill someone while D&D its understandable but most people who get caught are doing much less then what the cops do on their nights out and yet they get away with it and have the nerve to convict others with what they do themselves! You are confused on many levels. With multiple DWI's - and those are only the times you got caught - blind luck is the only difference between you and someone who hurt or killed a passenger or other driver. Blaming the system for your situation is, at best, unproductive. Women don't avoid you because you don't have a car. They avoid you because your past actions show an appalling lack of judgment and your current statements a lack of remorse and motivation. You're in charge of you. Only you got you here and only you can move forward. Transportation isn't what's holding you back... Mr. Lucky 4
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Again, Like I said, I'm not going to bash on you. Keep working with that lawyer, bug him or her a lot to get the ball rolling. Six years is a long enough road. Don't let them sit on it like the DMV did to you! Screw your Ex. Take care of what you need to take care of. I would focus on your kids. If your daughter has to attend summer school when you KNOW she can be a good student, then there's a chance that this transition in her life is not going well for her. If your Ex has her head so far up her ass that she can't see that your daughter needs help, then YOU have to be the parent. YOU have to be her rock and YOU have to be the one to encourage her and push her. Get her the help she needs. Maybe she needs to sit down and talk with someone about what's going on in her life? You need to make positive changes in your life. And maybe you're about due to take a trip somewhere to decompress and recharge.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 You are confused on many levels. With multiple DWI's - and those are only the times you got caught - blind luck is the only difference between you and someone who hurt or killed a passenger or other driver. Blaming the system for your situation is, at best, unproductive. Women don't avoid you because you don't have a car. They avoid you because your past actions show an appalling lack of judgment and your current statements a lack of remorse and motivation. You're in charge of you. Only you got you here and only you can move forward. Transportation isn't what's holding you back... Mr. Lucky Yeah ok..Its easy to say that until you have been in that situation..Try yourself dating without the ability to drive a car..It has nothing to do with lack of motivation to move forward! Perhaps I have to much of it and that is the problem! I want to move forward so bad! I want to move forward with a few aspects of my life...I have a small business on ebay I want to build on so I no longer have to break my back doing what I hate doing but I need a car to do that.. On top of my side ebay business I work 5 days a week traveling 1-1/2 hrs each way, I take care of my home by myself which includes laundry, cooking, cleaning, and mowing the lawn..Lets see what else I do...I tend to my kids, 2 dogs, a 7 ft boa constrictor, Im at the gym 3-4 days a week with my son, I take karate 2 days a week, I just power washed my 32' by 36' deck and restained it practically by myself all for my daughters 12th bday party this Sunday..Lack of motivation is far from it! Thats what kills me! I do so much and feel like I havent gotten anything in return in the past 2+ years! Like I said earlier..I love my kids but I am missing that special someone to fill that gap in my heart and the license is standing in the way big time regardless of what anyone thinks.. The license thing is the issue because if I had it I wouldnt have to explain why I dont and no one wold know about my past. Even if I said I cant afford one! Thats just as bad! As for remorse for my actions..Yes there is remorse for the situation I am in now due to it..I did my time.. 16 weekends in jail, 5 years of probation, outpatient counselling, huge lawyer fees and fines. I did my time as they say and no NO One got killed! Its easy to say someone could have but no one did..The only person who suffered threw my actions was me..Its very easy to judge but if you were in my boat (I know your not) I think you would look at things a little differently!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Again, Screw your Ex. I wish I still could! lol...Thats another issue that still plagues me on top of all the other BS that she would rather be with another man then me..The thing that bothers me the most though is that I havent found anyone else.. Its hard enough on a mans ego to deal with an ex that he still cares for sleeping with someone else. Not being able to find anyone else makes it worse! Everyone says that it will happen but the past 2-1/2 years feel like forever! Everyone also say it happens when you stop looking so hard..I do believe in that cause I do believe in the law of attraction but its hard not to look for something you so much desperately desire.. I have met women but just not the right one.. Theres one in particular who is in love with me but the feelings arent mutual and Im not willing to settle..So many people do as to not be alone.But if my need to be with somebody takes priority over what I truely want then Im not going to be happy even if im with someone im not happy being with Its gotten to the point where I have actually thought of packing up my **** and moving back to the city because the chances there are much higher to find someone. But I'd hate to give up my house and what I have invested here and move 2 hours from my kids and in the future ask myself if it was the right move that maybe if I waited a bit longer I would have found someone here..
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 The only person who suffered threw my actions was me..Its very easy to judge but if you were in my boat (I know your not) I think you would look at things a little differently! Understood. We all step in sh*t at some point though some more than others. And it sounds like you have indeed paid a heavy price. But you're going to have to come to terms with your current lot in life - Divorced. No license. No relationship - and accept responsibility for the path that delivered you here. Complaining about everyone from your ex to her BF to the state of NY doesn't help you move forward. And I'd certainly hope that wouldn't be the conversational material you'd drop into a new relationship. As others have said (and you've listed), there's also lots of positives in your life. You're going to have to build on them to put your life back together... Mr. Lucky 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Understood. We all step in sh*t at some point though some more than others. And it sounds like you have indeed paid a heavy price. But you're going to have to come to terms with your current lot in life - Divorced. No license. No relationship - and accept responsibility for the path that delivered you here. Complaining about everyone from your ex to her BF to the state of NY doesn't help you move forward. And I'd certainly hope that wouldn't be the conversational material you'd drop into a new relationship. As others have said (and you've listed), there's also lots of positives in your life. You're going to have to build on them to put your life back together... Mr. Lucky I get what your saying, I do..But how do you come to terms with such a **** sandwich? Im having a hard time doing so..Ive always been a get up n go guy..Always energetic looking to do something and have a happy fun life..Never been a guy to sit around! Tons of motivation to be happy and make my life better..How does someone like me deal with this mess? I feel like I am held back from a major part of my life that can make me happy! The feeling really sucks! There is more to being a dad in life and that alone isnt the only thing that can make me happy... kids get older start their own lives and then what? If you have no one in your life you live to hope your kids have grandkids to make you happy? Sounds like a pretty scary existance to me! I want that love and affection back in my life..Some things make you a better man and I know if I had it I'd be happier all around and everyone would reward from it!
2sunny Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 You asked about the money your exW asks you for. Then you say you're mad at all these other things:ex wife, no license, no new dates, no special woman in your life...on and on and on. What woman would want to date a guy like you who is STILL SO stuck on his ex wife that he leaves NO ROOM for the new gal? I wouldn't! I get that you're not OVER your wife - so it's no time to be dating anyone new - because you are still so focused on your ex. It's NOT FAIR to ANY gal you may date. Hurts - please just go get professional therapy that addresses your resentments. You've been spinning and spinning the same wheels for a few years. Please seek help. 3
TheBladeRunner Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 You asked about the money your exW asks you for. Then you say you're mad at all these other things:ex wife, no license, no new dates, no special woman in your life...on and on and on. What woman would want to date a guy like you who is STILL SO stuck on his ex wife that he leaves NO ROOM for the new gal? I wouldn't! I get that you're not OVER your wife - so it's no time to be dating anyone new - because you are still so focused on your ex. It's NOT FAIR to ANY gal you may date. Hurts - please just go get professional therapy that addresses your resentments. You've been spinning and spinning the same wheels for a few years. Please seek help. Hey "Hurts", I feel ya', but I have to agree with Sunny. I WAS over my XW, but still dealing with the fallout up until a few months ago. I just started dating a few weeks ago from a 10 month break. If you are still under the spell of the Ex_Hex I woulod refrain from dating, at least seriously. As far as the BF, have you met him? It may be a good idea to try to reach out. I went through the same stuff where the XW drug this guy in (too early IMO), but after meeting him he seemed like a good guy and they are still together. The way I see it is she's gonna' do what she's gonna' do. The best I can hope for is that the guy she's with is good to my kid, I suggest (and yes it's hard) you do the same. It is what it is. 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Yes I am seeking help and its been about a year and a half..The first person I saw I didnt think was doing much for me..I started seeing a new person around december... The thing is its not my ex! Sure I still care for her and miss her but its not her! I think its the situation Im in..Plus Im 45 and I think I may be going threw my mid life! All in one! Its the idea that I cannot get around to atleast date and make a life for myself thats killing me..I know if I had my license I would have already met someone! I know that for a fact! Im an attractive guy and Ive met a ton of women on the dating sites but for alot of women no license is a deal breaker... Regardless of how I got in this situation and who's fault it was (mine) makes no difference on how it makes me feel like a loser who cant even get on with his life. A person who has no control over his own life..A person I feel others are looking at and saying what a loser who cant find a girlfriend! My ex mother in law even told my mother one day that "He is going to have a hard time finding someone" That b*tch probably put a wammy on me! All of this stuff not only angers me but makes it harder for me to see her move on when it appears I cannot do the same. Look I know I Fd up but all and all I am a good man and a good person and I do deserve to be able to have a happy life that is going somewhere and all the comments of "you did this" really do not help the situation or make me feel better..Ive come here to ask for advice but I hear alot of "you did this" stuff and I dont know how that is supposed to help me! Unless its supposed to help me with acceptance but it doesnt... Being in a situation that I cannot control or atleast try to make this better for a guy like me is toture!
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 It is what it is. And to that truism I'd add that your future's going to be what you make of it. Everything you've posted so far is about looking back... Mr. Lucky 1
2sunny Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 It has NOTHING to do wih your license- I guarantee you that!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 And to that truism I'd add that your future's going to be what you make of it. Everything you've posted so far is about looking back... Mr. Lucky Did the jews at the hands of hitler? Its not always what you make it..Sometimes the cards your dealt just suck! No one can get ahead if they are being held down and its not about looking back..Its about a future that looks bleak due to crap from the past..
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