Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Before we met, my partner had a two year affair with a married woman. He was separated from his wife at the time and is now divorced. He ended the affair about a month or so before we met as NJ, the affair partner, wouldn't leave her husband. About 2 months into our relationship NJ began pursuing him again vigorously when she realised that he'd got somebody else and suddenly changed her whole tuned and claimed that she would leave. My partner and I live together. He keeps in contact with NJ and I disagree with this as I don't know to what level (he refuses to say due to my general bad reactions to the subject). I don't think that it is his place to be in contact with a married woman, with regard to her husband or myself. However, I could tolerate a low level of contact as that's what I have with several exes. We have a complete impasse on the subject as he refuses to see my point of view at all, and thinks that I should trust him and says that they are "just friends". Does a person become "just friends" so soon after a relationship or an affair? I don't think so at all and think that he is tricking himself. I trust him in general and don't believe that he is having an affair or that she would ever leave her husband (I think that she was just playing around again), yet always feel uneasy wondering what is happening in the background. I feel that his contact is unfair given the situation. I find is so frustrating to talk to him as there is a complete brick wall around the subject and it's as if I have to contend with fantasy figure and story that seems very unreal to me. If I contradict the story, then it's my fault. There is no real exchange on the topic. We have a very nice relationship in general and I have no other issues with him. I put up with it for the sake of our relationship and also because I hoped that with time he would move away from it, yet I do sometimes have a burning resentment about it. In turn he feels that I am distrusting due to a past partner cheating on me at the end of a relationship, and says that it is disappointing not to feel trusted and I should worry about better things. He also makes it worse by sometimes teasing me about her, and has made some thoughtless comparisons at times. I have no objections whatsoever to his contact with his ex wife (with whom he has a child) Would be grateful for any views. Thanks
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 There is a difference between casually keeping in touch once in a while with an ex AND keeping in touch with a recent ex that still wants you back! I would not accept that my partner keeps in touch with a woman that is openly pursuing him. On top of that being teased and compared to her? No way, I am sorry that would not fly. It would be me or her, period. 6
PegNosePete Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I have no objections whatsoever to his contact with his ex wife (with whom he has a child) To me, this shows that you have healthy boundaries and expectations. His relationship with his ex wife appears to be a good one and you accept that. Whereas being "friends" with an ex-lover who he was having an affair with, is another matter entirely. I find is so frustrating to talk to him as there is a complete brick wall around the subject That is a major red flag. He is keeping secrets from you. Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing. I would tell him it's her or you, choose NOW. If he chooses her or refuses to decide or just gives you crap for not trusting him, then start packing up your things and move out. If he chooses you then he can never talk to her again except to call her up right now (with you present), and tell her it's over. It's a wholly inappropriate relationship and you need to cut it off right now.
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 There is a difference between casually keeping in touch once in a while with an ex AND keeping in touch with a recent ex that still wants you back! I would not accept that my partner keeps in touch with a woman that is openly pursuing him. On top of that being teased and compared to her? No way, I am sorry that would not fly. It would be me or her, period. Thanks Gaeta, I think that he teases me sometimes because otherwise it's hard to even mention the subject. I've added to it by reacting badly to talking at times. There have only been a few comparisons, but I thought that it is obviously a wrong thing to do.
SummerDreams Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Since you are accepting this behavior from him, then you are silently accepting every consequences that will arise from this. Do not wait for him to cheat in order to clear things up or leave him. The fact are in front of you, just see them and react.
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Since you are accepting this behavior from him, then you are silently accepting every consequences that will arise from this. Do not wait for him to cheat in order to clear things up or leave him. The fact are in front of you, just see them and react. Thanks Summerdreams. It's hard to know what reaction to have. I'm not expecting him to cheat on me as such. We have a really nice time in general but yes I am uncomfortable with it....but not at the stage of wanting to end my relationship because of it.
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Pete. Well for keeping secrets, I made it worse by initially telling him that I didn't want to talk about her or anything related to it. He was initially trying to tell me things. However, now it is true that more clarity is needed. If I had clarity then I could make a better judgement about things. Do you think though that it is entirely unacceptable that he should maintain ANY contact with her? Being practicle I realise that it's very hard to get past the end of a relationship and simply cut of contact, yet felt that it should be have left for a good while at least in this case.
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 This would not fly with me. And I wouldn't trust him one bit, he was willing to date a married woman, says something about him to me. No integrity. He knows she wants him. That is not friends. 3
Emilia Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I don't know to what level (he refuses to say due to my general bad reactions to the subject). Do you really believe that if you are in a serious relationship with someone (you live together) it is acceptable for a person to keep engaging in an unexplained behaviour that distresses their partner? What do you mean 'he refuses to say due to my general bad reactions to the subject'? How about saying it regardless your bad reactions? Or stopping it altogether? You live together, this isn't just some guy you met. This is a serious boundaries issue. 1
SummerDreams Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Summerdreams. It's hard to know what reaction to have. I'm not expecting him to cheat on me as such. We have a really nice time in general but yes I am uncomfortable with it....but not at the stage of wanting to end my relationship because of it. There is no relationship if you can't talk about everything or if you don't feel "at ease" with your partner. What you describe is a form of abuse, in my opinion. We are in a relationship cause we want to feel comfortable, to progress, to learn things about ourselves and improve, not to feel repressed. In my opinion you have to invite him out for dinner and request to discuss about this matter seriously and openly, expressing also the fact that how this conversation ends will influence the future of your relationship. Demand respect and honesty, and if you don't find these two things you will know that you will never find them in the future. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Do you think though that it is entirely unacceptable that he should maintain ANY contact with her? Yes I do. I realise that it's very hard to get past the end of a relationship and simply cut of contact No it's not. 2
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Emilia. In his mind she is like any other ex and seems to think that therefore contact is acceptable. I have casual contact with 2 exes. I think that it is different in the cirumstances. He initially hoped that I could be friends with her. I agree that it is a problem with boundaries. Probably due to not realising what is or isn't ok, rather than being any attempt to mislead me. But all the same. 1
Emilia Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Emilia. In his mind she is like any other ex and seems to think that therefore contact is acceptable. I have casual contact with 2 exes. I think that it is different in the cirumstances. He initially hoped that I could be friends with her. I agree that it is a problem with boundaries. Probably due to not realising what is or isn't ok, rather than being any attempt to mislead me. But all the same. I thought he would have got the idea by now.... 1
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I thought he would have got the idea by now.... Exactly Emilia! 1
Author Misslondon Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 There is no relationship if you can't talk about everything or if you don't feel "at ease" with your partner. What you describe is a form of abuse, in my opinion. We are in a relationship cause we want to feel comfortable, to progress, to learn things about ourselves and improve, not to feel repressed. In my opinion you have to invite him out for dinner and request to discuss about this matter seriously and openly, expressing also the fact that how this conversation ends will influence the future of your relationship. Demand respect and honesty, and if you don't find these two things you will know that you will never find them in the future. Thanks Summerdreams. Oh it's hard to convey a point here! I DO feel at ease in general but this point does linger and bother me often. I agree that things should be talked about again with honestly
FitChick Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 He could be the type who always needs to have someone on the side as an "escape hatch." These people cannot handle true intimacy. The other woman might be that type of person herself = match made in heaven. Why don't you invite this woman and her husband out for dinner? That might put a stop to things.
Author Misslondon Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) He could be the type who always needs to have someone on the side as an "escape hatch." These people cannot handle true intimacy. The other woman might be that type of person herself = match made in heaven. Why don't you invite this woman and her husband out for dinner? That might put a stop to things. Well fitchick, my partner did suggest that I could meet up with her for a chat!! but no way because what's the point as I am not having her in my life so there is nothing to discuss with her. We bumped into her a couple of times; the first time she came to say hello and was polite and got a frosty reception from me and the second time she came and imposed herself hanging around near us, pretending that she hadn't seen us. So we said hello and it seemed to bust the little drama bubble that she was hoping to create. I don't think that I could cope with the unsuspecting husband in the picture too lol. Though it is food for thought as ideas go...... Though she openly looked at a linkedin profile of mine where you can see your viewers, so I figure that she's trying to get attention by exposing who she is and that it's better to ignore her and not get roped into playing the games. Perhaps she wouldn't even care if the husband was there!? Hmm she seems a bit nuts to me. Edited June 26, 2014 by Misslondon
PegNosePete Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I don't think that I could cope with the unsuspecting husband in the picture too lol. Though it is food for thought as ideas go...... I think the suggestion was meant to prove a point rather than to have a nice dinner. It's extremely unlikely that this "friend" would accept such an invitation. You would suggest the idea, and start to hear every excuse under the sun as to why they can't do it. This would be revealing of the nature of their "friendship". If they are truly friends then it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure it's really a good idea though, what if they just say yes? You're right it would be a terrible dinner. You don't need this kind of gambit and games to assert your boundaries. 1
Author Misslondon Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Hi Pete, exactly on the small chance that they might say yes (desperate people do strange stuff!), I feel it would be best to avoid. Also like you said, really I should just be able to put forward straight "no's" on this issue.
PogoStick Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 It's within your rights to not want him to stay in contact, and it's his right to stay in contact. Who's going to budge, or who's going to end your relationship? But also keep in mind, your insecurity and paranoia could also ruin your young relationship. A girl I just started dating a week ago is already upset that I have a couple pics on facebook of an ex from 5 years ago who lives in another state. I don't have tolerance for that kind of drama. Obviously your situation is more close to home, regardless insecurity is unattractive. 1
Author Misslondon Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) It's within your rights to not want him to stay in contact, and it's his right to stay in contact. Who's going to budge, or who's going to end your relationship? But also keep in mind, your insecurity and paranoia could also ruin your young relationship. A girl I just started dating a week ago is already upset that I have a couple pics on facebook of an ex from 5 years ago who lives in another state. I don't have tolerance for that kind of drama. Obviously your situation is more close to home, regardless insecurity is unattractive. I fully agree pogostick! there is a fine line to be trodden and it's very hard to know where it is. I can get paranoid with it and sometimes when it's not merited. Yet how to be comfortable with a person who doesn't have boundaries hanging around? and of course my own partner's boundaries...the lack of clarity doesn't help and I think that I need to clear things up on that point - the actual level of contact that they have. At the end of the day do I dump a nice relationship that brings me lots of things because of some exchanges with some idiot? hard to know. Thanks for the comments. Edited June 26, 2014 by Misslondon
sisa Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 how long you and him are together, 2 months? from my point of view, it's really soon that he start a new relationship after only one month ending the affair. the reason why they ending their affair is important, and may give you some insight of it. He is lucky to have you, I think the best way is try to find a way to let he can talk about this issue with you openly, it might sounds hurt but will be good in long turn, keeping secret is not good for the relationship. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 how to be comfortable with a person who doesn't have boundaries hanging around? and of course my own partner's boundaries The "idiot" here is not the other woman, but your boyfriend. He is the one who is supposed to be on your side, to have your back, to be looking out for your interests. He is the one who has made a commitment to you. What promise has she made to you regarding faithfulness, boundaries or your relationship? None. You can't enforce her to have boundaries but you can him. If he is unable to make a judgement on what is a reasonable and normal boundary then you need to do it for him. The line in the sand would be very clear to me; you do not have a friendship with this woman. I would have told him long ago that it is her or me. His relationship with her is totally inappropriate. 3
Author Misslondon Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 how long you and him are together, 2 months? from my point of view, it's really soon that he start a new relationship after only one month ending the affair. the reason why they ending their affair is important, and may give you some insight of it. He is lucky to have you, I think the best way is try to find a way to let he can talk about this issue with you openly, it might sounds hurt but will be good in long turn, keeping secret is not good for the relationship. We've been together for 10 months, although our relationship started one month or so after their affair ended. And yes I agree that it is too soon, hence the problems of him not detaching yet. Agree for the talking, thanks
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