amielyn Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hi all. I'm new here. I hope someone can relate to what I am going through because it sure isn't easy. I have dated this guy who I met on okcupid for a year and 3 months and I would have to say our relationship was based off a roller coaster of fights and arguments. I would write these arguments down for you, however, I, myself do not even remember them as there have been too many to name. Some have been serious trust issues to petty problems. Lately, I have been feeling a little distant in this relationship in that everytime we have a fight, it always turns out to be an explanation game. I voice my concern to him and he always has something to say about it (something opposite of what I have said). Sure, it would be nice to hear that, however, after hearing what seems to be excuses for so long, I can't help but think that they are excuses and not what he says it is, which is the truth. Many times in the relationship I have told him I have had enough (because I have), but he has always fought hard; constantly explaining things to me via text and over the phone, even go as far as missing work to talk to me face to face. However, recently, I have had enough and told him it is over and lately, it seems he has not fought for me/us. He claims he still wants to work it out but doesn't show it, doesn't seem to try as hard as he used to. A part of me wants to accept this behavior because of the way I have been telling him it wasn't going to work and possibly hurting his feelings with some of the things I have said, but I don't know. He got back to me last night after not talking to me since Friday. I assumed he had gone to EDC which is a music festival in LV. However, this upset me because last time we had fought, he also went out to some music event and when he came back we had talked about how he had left me hanging and he was sorry for that because if that was me, he would've been upset. He did it again this time, and my instinct was right. He had gone to EDC. He apologized for it but I dont think he means it. He even said that he was given a free ticket a while back but supposedly rejected it, which I do not buy, and said he had accepted it the day before the event. Which makes it worse bcus we were in the definite fighting staage at that time. He came back from dinner and wanted to talk but I didn't want to. However, I am extremely upset that he did not come see me to fight for us like he used to. Instead he goes out to dinner with some friends he's already seen at EDC. I am sure he has fallen short in working it out. He claims I've hurt him with my words, but he has hurt me with leaving me hanging on many of the fights we have had that never got resolved. We talked a little bit on the phone last night over text and he just stopped. I guess he fell asleep, but again, something he does not do when he fears he is losing me. He even told me this feels like he is losing me for sure, however he doesn't seem to try anymore. I don't know what to think. I want to do NC but at the same time I feel like I wanna pour my heart out on the things I am upset about but i am afraid he will just overlook it.
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hi all. I'm new here. I hope someone can relate to what I am going through because it sure isn't easy. I have dated this guy who I met on okcupid for a year and 3 months and I would have to say our relationship was based off a roller coaster of fights and arguments. I would write these arguments down for you, however, I, myself do not even remember them as there have been too many to name. Some have been serious trust issues to petty problems. Lately, I have been feeling a little distant in this relationship in that everytime we have a fight, it always turns out to be an explanation game. I voice my concern to him and he always has something to say about it (something opposite of what I have said). Sure, it would be nice to hear that, however, after hearing what seems to be excuses for so long, I can't help but think that they are excuses and not what he says it is, which is the truth. Many times in the relationship I have told him I have had enough (because I have), but he has always fought hard; constantly explaining things to me via text and over the phone, even go as far as missing work to talk to me face to face. However, recently, I have had enough and told him it is over and lately, it seems he has not fought for me/us. He claims he still wants to work it out but doesn't show it, doesn't seem to try as hard as he used to. A part of me wants to accept this behavior because of the way I have been telling him it wasn't going to work and possibly hurting his feelings with some of the things I have said, but I don't know. He got back to me last night after not talking to me since Friday. I assumed he had gone to EDC which is a music festival in LV. However, this upset me because last time we had fought, he also went out to some music event and when he came back we had talked about how he had left me hanging and he was sorry for that because if that was me, he would've been upset. He did it again this time, and my instinct was right. He had gone to EDC. He apologized for it but I dont think he means it. He even said that he was given a free ticket a while back but supposedly rejected it, which I do not buy, and said he had accepted it the day before the event. Which makes it worse bcus we were in the definite fighting staage at that time. He came back from dinner and wanted to talk but I didn't want to. However, I am extremely upset that he did not come see me to fight for us like he used to. Instead he goes out to dinner with some friends he's already seen at EDC. I am sure he has fallen short in working it out. He claims I've hurt him with my words, but he has hurt me with leaving me hanging on many of the fights we have had that never got resolved. We talked a little bit on the phone last night over text and he just stopped. I guess he fell asleep, but again, something he does not do when he fears he is losing me. He even told me this feels like he is losing me for sure, however he doesn't seem to try anymore. I don't know what to think. I want to do NC but at the same time I feel like I wanna pour my heart out on the things I am upset about but i am afraid he will just overlook it. Hi! Welcome to the threads! This is a tune that I can relate to in some ways. It's called the song of words and actions. Basically, he will say all a whole bunch of stuff to try to make it seem as if he cares about you and the relationship. He may even talk to you till the cows come home. Yet, his actions do not really seem to back up these claims. If anything, they seem to be getting even more suspicious. I am a writer on the side and words are a huge part of who I am. Yet, even I know that at the end of the day, it is what we do that really means the most. If his actions do not match his words, then what he says should be suggested to be simply empty, to be honest. You deserve a partner of action. Not mere words. 2
Author amielyn Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I know he loves me and I love him too but man, its too painful. lately hes been pointing fingers at me a lot... telling me i have been mean to him and recently i did apologize for it. for the name calling, for the breakup talks when i was angry, but idk its almost as if hes forgotten the face that hes the reason i have been this way. All the stories and leaving me hanging have really just made me lose interest and lose interest in resolving things. he used to be so apologetic but now hes so different. almost as if he didnt mean any of those. he doesnt "beg" and call me to fight for us. its all so sudden
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) I know he loves me and I love him too but man, its too painful. lately hes been pointing fingers at me a lot... telling me i have been mean to him and recently i did apologize for it. for the name calling, for the breakup talks when i was angry, but idk its almost as if hes forgotten the face that hes the reason i have been this way. All the stories and leaving me hanging have really just made me lose interest and lose interest in resolving things. he used to be so apologetic but now hes so different. almost as if he didnt mean any of those. he doesnt "beg" and call me to fight for us. its all so sudden How do you know that he loves you? Just curious as to what specifically suggests this fact. Interesting that you bring up the word 'fight' to be honest. From all you have put forward, it does not sound like he is fighting for you and for this relationship perhaps as much as he should be. If he is, then he has a rather interesting way of trying to show it. Relationships are a constant cycle of relentless communication. But, these words have to be backed up by actions. If two people are willing to put forth equal effort to make it worth, then anything is possible. Sounds like to me that you have a good head on your shoulders and know what it is that you want from a relationship. All of your worries seem to be justified. You realize that your own name calling was not proactive and positive. This shows the healthy ability to self-reflect. Now, it is his time to do the same. Sudden, but better realize now then later on that this is ultimately not what you want from a partner. Nor, what you fully deserve going forward. Edited June 25, 2014 by thekid36
Author amielyn Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 It is hard to explain. I just know he loves me.
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 It is hard to explain. I just know he loves me. He may actually love you, Amielyn. The real question here perhaps is if he is showing you how he feels. Feeling something and showing it are seriously two different things. I am always aware of this, myself. The thing is that thoughts and words are not nearly enough for you. If they were, you would not necessarily be here. If this is indeed the case, then something here needs to change sort of quick. He simply needs to show you that he seriously wants all of this to work. Otherwise, you are going to be open to delirious disappointment going forward.
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 No, actually you really really don't know what he is feeling for you currently. I only say this because this is exactly what occurred before I was broken up with. He SAID I love you all the way till that last day, but he did not, obviously. If we fought he would always come to me first thing in the morning and talk, towards the end, even if he had screwed up big time he just avoided me and went about his day, the whole distant feeling, me asking if he was still into working it out, the whole thing. 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 are you sure you are just not looking for a reason to break up with him because it kind of sounds like you are??? people can get busy with work and other committments and if sometimes if you tell a guy you are "ok" even when you are not he may take it at face value - as men often say, we are not mindreaders. my ex dumped me after a fight we had and I was always (and still am) pissed at her that she decided to give up on me after the fight instead of try and fight for us and do what we could to stay together. she just decided it was all too hard and walked away. if you do dump him whatever you do dont offer to stay friends with him, we hate that.
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 idk wat to do Your definitive decision has to come from within. All we can offer on here is advice which is based on our own experiences. You can try to talk to him and tell him that if his actions do not start to show how much you mean to him, that you may be forced to consider a decision he may not like. Another option is that you can continue to wait things out a little longer and see what happens. Or, you can simply trust your initial instinct and get out now so as try to move on. I would say that no matter which route you take, it is perhaps positive to look at yourself as worthy of total happiness. Right now, you seem to not be at that point. Thus, something needs to seriously change.
Author amielyn Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 i dont stay friends w exes thanks tho
Ordinaryday Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 i dont stay friends w exes thanks tho yeah, most dumpers don't, but that doesnt prevent them saying "let's just be friends"
Author amielyn Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Your definitive decision has to come from within. All we can offer on here is advice which is based on our own experiences. You can try to talk to him and tell him that if his actions do not start to show how much you mean to him, that you may be forced to consider a decision he may not like. Another option is that you can continue to wait things out a little longer and see what happens. Or, you can simply trust your initial instinct and get out now so as try to move on. I would say that no matter which route you take, it is perhaps positive to look at yourself as worthy of total happiness. Right now, you seem to not be at that point. Thus, something needs to seriously change. yeah, im still debating what i should do. i can tell you know that he txted me at 9 this morning to tell me hes sorry that he had fallen asleep. and then he called me another 6 times. this is where i feel like his old self is coming back where he would call continuously to work things out which i always appreciated. but why is he acting this way now?
thekid36 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 yeah, im still debating what i should do. i can tell you know that he txted me at 9 this morning to tell me hes sorry that he had fallen asleep. and then he called me another 6 times. this is where i feel like his old self is coming back where he would call continuously to work things out which i always appreciated. but why is he acting this way now? Still sounds like erratic behavior to me. Hot one day and then cold the next. I worry about that because it may make you even more confused. Which is the last thing you seem to need right now. And when he is hot, he seems to be basically on fire. Calling you six times a day seems a little excessive. Especially when tomorrow, he easily may ignore you altogether. Not sure why he has these sudden changes in behavior. Could be the basic fear of losing you when he realizes he made a mistake. Or, perhaps he treats you conditionally based on his current mood. No matter what the reason, not fair to you to be fully honest. You seem to be on the brink of making a rather important decision. I think that the fact that you are questioning things says a lot about where your mind may be. But as stated, you have to take the path which is best for you.
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