horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I was not sure where to put this. My situation is, I was with my ex for 11 yrs. We broke up cause he basically left me for another woman, 2 yrs ago. So, I cut him off and told him to go to hell. Well some months later he came back into my life and apologized profusely. But, I just couldn't get over it that easy. He got mad and said I would never get over it and he was not gonna sit around waiting. Lol So he turns into an ass about it. I cut him off again. Well a year has gone by since then and I have dated but nothing that went anywhere. So, here is the now, past few months he reeled me back in. Honestly, I truly thought he changed, he got a great job a new car, new house. He starts inviting me over and being very sweet and gentlemen like. He has not been like that with me in a long time! We were getting along great. I admit I started falling for him all over again. Staying the night and just everything going well. Since it had been a year I thought, just maybe, we can work this out. Then...this woman, who I know of, he met her a year ago when he started his new job. She is married with 4 daughters. She is 28, I am 36, no kids. He would not give me one.. He is 34, no kids. Well, anyways, so all the sudden I keep hearing about her, he keeps doing favors for her because she is separated from her husband and needs help with things. So he steps in to do them. I thought it was odd, so I asked him about it and he said I was crazy to think anything, they are just friends. So after a few wks of this, her always texting him and he always told me, he never tried to hide it from me. I then hear, her and her husband got back together. Well, a week ago, he suddenly got very distant with me. Too busy to see me, too busy to talk on the phone. Starts ignoring my text. Today, I find out she and her husband are already on the outs again. So she has once again been hanging out with my ex. He now ignores all my calls and texts and has dropped off the face of the earth, just like that. So I take it he is now with her all the sudden?? Done with me? Makes no sense!! He can't even tell me! I ask he don't tell me! Turns out I guess he is the same lying, betraying jerk he was! What is he gonna do with a separated woman with 4 kids??? When he wouldn't give me a kid when I wanted one. I'm so confused, hurt, I feel so stupid and lost. I don't know what to do? I'm so pissed off at myself for allowing him to reel me back in and to start believing in him and thinking he has changed and sleeping with him! I'm pissed that I'm almost 37 and have wasted so much time on him and he can't even say a word to me! This is how he thinks I deserve to be treated! What really just happened? Why on earth did he reel me back in for, to just do me this way again!!
Mr.Pine Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Why on earth did he reel me back in for, to just do me this way again!! Simple...you were stupid enough to back for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th helping. You have no one to blame but yourself. New car...new job. That impressed you? That made you think he changed? All materialistic, shallow changes. Meant nothing. Unless you're also materialistic and shallow. Gonna go back a 5th time or just go NC? What are you going to do now? 1
Author horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 No, I'm not materialistic at all Mr. Pine. I was with him for 11 yrs, most of those yrs he never kept a job and was always broke. My family and me helped him out all the time. So, the fact he got a good job and actually kept it and put goals to buy the car and house, was not something he ever did before.So I thought he was changing into a better more focused man, who was ready to settle down. Then he came back, reeled me in and was being really great to me, up until a week ago. I already know I'm stupid and to blame, which is why I said, I was upset at myself. I guess I just wanted so hard to believe he could become a better man and maybe he will be for this woman and her kids. I don't know. I'm just hurting bad all over again. Well, I am in no contact with him. We talked about a week ago. Everything seemed fine. Then I called him twice, and text him 3 times, he has ignored all. I do not intend on contacting him again. I don't think he will try to contact me now that he is with her.
stillafool Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 He obviously asked to get back with you once he realized the OW was going back with her husband. For all you know he got the new car, new place to impress her but it didn't work. Now that she is free again he is trying to get her back. She may be resisting him and that's why he is so down. Apparently he wants her even with her 4 kids. He isn't the one who has to pay child support for those 4 kids so the kids don't matter to him. I think you should forget about him for good this time. Who wants to be someones back up plan?
Zahara Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 So I take it he is now with her all the sudden?? Done with me? Makes no sense!! How does it not make sense? He's done this before. What is he gonna do with a separated woman with 4 kids??? When he wouldn't give me a kid when I wanted one. I'm so confused, hurt, I feel so stupid and lost. It's because he was never fully emotionally invested in you, as well as being toxic and unhealthy, I am not sure why you would even want to bring a child into this world when he provides ZERO stability. I don't know what to do? I'm so pissed off at myself for allowing him to reel me back in and to start believing in him and thinking he has changed and sleeping with him! I'm pissed that I'm almost 37 and have wasted so much time on him and he can't even say a word to me! You go strict NC and never let him back in again. Yes, be pissed at yourself. It's time you learn this lesson, albeit the hard way, never repeat it again. And why would he say a word to you. You teach people how to treat you. He's dumped you more than once and you kept going back. You just show him time and time again that you have no boundaries. This is how he thinks I deserve to be treated! Again, you teach people how to treat you. What really just happened? Why on earth did he reel me back in for, to just do me this way again!! He reeled you back in because he knew that you would be available and the door would be open. He's reeled you back in on more than one occasion and you never grasped the lesson. I'm not sure why you are surprised by his behavior. 1st time: Left you for another woman 2nd time: Left you because you weren't abiding by his terms 3rd time: Left you again for another woman Why are you confused?
Author horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 No, the first woman he left me for is not the same as this one. The first one I met, she wanted him back after he left her, to try to get me back at that time I cut him off I couldn't forgive him that easily. This was 2 yrs ago! This woman now he met at his new job. So this all just happened past few months.
Zahara Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 No, the first woman he left me for is not the same as this one. The first one I met, she wanted him back after he left her, to try to get me back at that time I cut him off I couldn't forgive him that easily. This was 2 yrs ago! This woman now he met at his new job. So this all just happened past few months. I know it's two different women. Who cares? When he said he was done waiting for you, that was your huge red flag whacking you in the face. He should have been doing everything to win you back and prove to you that he was serious and ready for commitment. Instead, the moment you conveyed your insecurities and fears, he said adios. Too much work and effort to invest in you. His intent was never genuine.
Author horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry. I was talking to @stillafool she thought it was the same woman. I was just cleating it up for you. I know. I just when he came back apologizing and he went to my parents, I never seen man cry so hard. It was overwhelming. He begged my parents and his sister(my best friend) to help get me back. But at that time I just could not jump back in right away. So he then got mad. He told me he would become a better man rather I believed him or not. So, when he started doing well, then came after me again. I really thought and wanted to believe he changed. Everything was going good. Then all the sudden this woman is always texting him for help and he starts always helping her out. Now here we are. He has not admitted anything. But, the sudden cutting me off and ignoring me. I already know. Edited June 25, 2014 by horselife7
Zahara Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) I know. I just when he came back apologizing and he went to my parents, I never seen man cry so hard. It was overwhelming. He begged my parents and his sister(my best friend) to help get me back. But at that time I just could not jump back in right away. So he then got mad. He told me he would become a better man rather I believed him or not. So, when he started doing well, then came after me again. I really thought and wanted to believe he changed. Everything was going good. Then all the sudden this woman is always texting him for help and he starts always helping her out. Now here we are. He has not admitted anything. But, the sudden cutting me off and ignoring me. I already know. Yes, the crying and begging. Typical behavior when a child wants something but then when the child realizes he's not getting what he wants, then the temper tantrums starts and goes and pouts in the corner. It was a manipulative play towards getting what he wanted. Buying a house and a car is not an indication of doing well. Doing well would mean him coming to you and saying that he knows that he's emotionally unhealthy, he knows he needs help -- therefore he's been doing counseling, he's been finding introspection, he realizes he did XYZ and he's doing ABC to work on it, that he wants to be apart of your life again and allow you all the time you needed to regain trust, etc. Material things aren't indicative of change. And you should have again taken all the time you needed to decide if you wanted to jump back in again. Date slowly. Have a boundary system in place. Maybe even seeked some counseling together seeing how volatile his behavior was. Kept sex out of it for a long while until he showed you he was committed in every way. Most likely if you had made him wait again, he would have bolted soon enough because Round 1 and Round 2 was a clear indication that he was never fully invested. Edited June 25, 2014 by Zahara
stillafool Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'm sorry. I was talking to @stillafool she thought it was the same woman. I was just cleating it up for you. I know. I just when he came back apologizing and he went to my parents, I never seen man cry so hard. It was overwhelming. He begged my parents and his sister(my best friend) to help get me back. But at that time I just could not jump back in right away. So he then got mad. He told me he would become a better man rather I believed him or not. So, when he started doing well, then came after me again. I really thought and wanted to believe he changed. Everything was going good. Then all the sudden this woman is always texting him for help and he starts always helping her out. Now here we are. He has not admitted anything. But, the sudden cutting me off and ignoring me. I already know. Well that's even worse than if he had known her before. So he cried, begged you back and then willing to dump you again for a 28 year old with 4 kids that he just met. Girl! please take back your self respect. He isn't worth starting a thread about! He is co-dependent and that's why he was crying to get you back because he doesn't want to be alone; but the minute someone else comes along that he wants he ignores you. Make up your mind that you are DONE with him no matter what he does. Why is that so hard to figure out.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Dont take the comments on here to heart... they are just hurting and angry and it seems a lot of people like to be mean to others... Dont worry i know it hurts but u do want to believe in the person that you have spent that amount of time with and yes I would have wanted to believe it too especially if those changes had been made, anyone would have thought he was changing for the better... PEOPLE GROW AND CHANGE ALL THE TIME despite what is thrown about on here and you would have only beaten yourself up if you didnt try again after seeing those changes x Its the second time now, now you have nothing left to hope for... he isnt who you thought he was and yes it does sound like there is something going on with this other woman... u have to cut him out now once and for all xx
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Dont take the comments on here to heart... they are just hurting and angry and it seems a lot of people like to be mean to others... Dont worry i know it hurts but u do want to believe in the person that you have spent that amount of time with and yes I would have wanted to believe it too especially if those changes had been made, anyone would have thought he was changing for the better... PEOPLE GROW AND CHANGE ALL THE TIME despite what is thrown about on here and you would have only beaten yourself up if you didnt try again after seeing those changes x Its the second time now, now you have nothing left to hope for... he isnt who you thought he was and yes it does sound like there is something going on with this other woman... u have to cut him out now once and for all xx I'm not heartbroken and angry, and most people don't grow and change. Also, someone can say they've changed but if their actions to match the words then they haven't. People are blunt on here because many posters have their heads in the sand and it's frustrating to watch people get hurt when they could prevent it. This man gave no indication that he changed. He may have been better off financially but how did that prove to op that he "grew and changed"?
Elle1975 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I was not sure where to put this. My situation is, I was with my ex for 11 yrs. We broke up cause he basically left me for another woman, 2 yrs ago. So, I cut him off and told him to go to hell. Well some months later he came back into my life and apologized profusely. But, I just couldn't get over it that easy. He got mad and said I would never get over it and he was not gonna sit around waiting. Lol So he turns into an ass about it. I cut him off again. Well a year has gone by since then and I have dated but nothing that went anywhere. So, here is the now, past few months he reeled me back in. Honestly, I truly thought he changed, he got a great job a new car, new house. He starts inviting me over and being very sweet and gentlemen like. He has not been like that with me in a long time! We were getting along great. I admit I started falling for him all over again. Staying the night and just everything going well. Since it had been a year I thought, just maybe, we can work this out. Then...this woman, who I know of, he met her a year ago when he started his new job. She is married with 4 daughters. She is 28, I am 36, no kids. He would not give me one.. He is 34, no kids. Well, anyways, so all the sudden I keep hearing about her, he keeps doing favors for her because she is separated from her husband and needs help with things. So he steps in to do them. I thought it was odd, so I asked him about it and he said I was crazy to think anything, they are just friends. So after a few wks of this, her always texting him and he always told me, he never tried to hide it from me. I then hear, her and her husband got back together. Well, a week ago, he suddenly got very distant with me. Too busy to see me, too busy to talk on the phone. Starts ignoring my text. Today, I find out she and her husband are already on the outs again. So she has once again been hanging out with my ex. He now ignores all my calls and texts and has dropped off the face of the earth, just like that. So I take it he is now with her all the sudden?? Done with me? Makes no sense!! He can't even tell me! I ask he don't tell me! Turns out I guess he is the same lying, betraying jerk he was! What is he gonna do with a separated woman with 4 kids??? When he wouldn't give me a kid when I wanted one. I'm so confused, hurt, I feel so stupid and lost. I don't know what to do? I'm so pissed off at myself for allowing him to reel me back in and to start believing in him and thinking he has changed and sleeping with him! I'm pissed that I'm almost 37 and have wasted so much time on him and he can't even say a word to me! This is how he thinks I deserve to be treated! What really just happened? Why on earth did he reel me back in for, to just do me this way again!! It's not too late for you to have kids. It seems important to you. Cut contact with this guy immediately. Find someone else. I say that out of personal experience, years go by fast. As for the why he did what he did? She was in limbo with the ex husband, so he decided to give it another shot with you. As soon as she became available, he dumped you. It's a horrible way to treat people.
Author horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you all, I know what you are saying and where you are coming from. He fooled me and he broke my heart again. No one to blame but myself. I need to stop trying to find good in this man, there is none. At 34 he is who he is. Most likely he will hurt this woman too. Hopefully she will be smart enough for her 4 daughters sake to run away from him. She is still married not divorced yet. Even his sister says he needs help and that I deserve much better than him. She told me to never speak to him again or believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He actually did admit to needing therapy, that he has something wrong inside and fights insecurities and he always needs attention and ego strokes, and that he hates feeling emotions. But when it came right down to it he would never go to get help, he cancelled out. When he came back a few months ago, I actually thought he had been talking to someone, cause he really truly acted like a new person. Sweet, respectful, open, and we had talks like we never had before. He had quit a lot of his bad habits, was looking better than before, goes to the gym daily. Just I had seen changes. Ok, so yes, I got fooled! When ypu love someone for 11 yrs it is hatd to not want to believe tbere is goid in them. I don't know if he just likes playing hero to this heart broken woman and stepping in to do her honey do list, now that her husband left. Who cheated on her BTW.I seen her on his fb. So I checked her page out which is public and there was everything about everything on there. Including a quote to my ex I saw today. That said he devours her thoughts and makes her heart skip. Lol I actually laughed out loud. Some reason it made me laugh. I almost feel I should warn her not to get involved with him. But I won't.
Zahara Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I think it would be best for you to block this woman on FB, block your ex from phone, text, email, FB and start moving on with your life. There is no need to expend any more energy or attention on him anymore. As you said you spent too many years on this man only to be disappointed. Stop snooping, stalking and keeping track of him. Enough is enough. This is over and done with. I bet you my bottom dollar he will be back and he will contact you. Hence, block him because you do not want Round 4 or have to be derailed while you are healing.
Author horselife7 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Zahara, I have done so already. He is off all my social networks and out of my phone. I deleted all the recent pics of us in my phone. All his bs text msgs. All of it. Deleted, blocked and gone. I really appreciate all you guys advice and words that deep down I knew, just needed to see. As a woman when the man you love chooses another woman over you, it can really mess with your self-esteem. But, after reading what you all said, I realized, what am I doing?? He is NOTHING! The thought that I could have wasted so many yrs on him. I know it's gonna hurt and suck. But, today, I finally am letting go of him for good!
Zahara Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Zahara, I have done so already. He is off all my social networks and out of my phone. I deleted all the recent pics of us in my phone. All his bs text msgs. All of it. Deleted, blocked and gone. I really appreciate all you guys advice and words that deep down I knew, just needed to see. As a woman when the man you love chooses another woman over you, it can really mess with your self-esteem. But, after reading what you all said, I realized, what am I doing?? He is NOTHING! The thought that I could have wasted so many yrs on him. I know it's gonna hurt and suck. But, today, I finally am letting go of him for good! Hun, I have been cheated on before so I absolutely understand the feelings of betrayal and rejection. You've taken major steps by removing and blocking him as most struggle with severing those ties to their ex. Letting go is a hard thing to do. So, kudos to you for exhibiting strength and determination. Half the battle won! Don't think of it as wasted years but use that as a lesson and learn from it. This may be the life lesson that sets you on the right path moving forward, opening you up to better judgment, better insight and a healthier sense of boundaries and emotional intelligence. It's never wasted if you can get something positive from it that you can apply in the future. It's gonna hurt and suck for awhile. But this pain is just temporary. Being with that asswipe would have given you years and years of indefinite sorrow. 1
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